Alpha Nicholas
Chapter 32 –

Alpha Nicholas

"Going through all of that... I can't imagine how you even begin to move past it and what happened with Lottie is just mind-blowing but you said... You said that your reason for not wanting a mate was connected to Lottie, but if you never met her mother and she wasn't your mate then I don't understand."

"I didn't meet Lottie's mom until she was 7. One day while she was in school her mom showed up at the pack house. She was dirty and smelly and looked like she hadn't eaten in months. At first, I thought she needed help but I couldn't have been any more wrong. Well, she did need help because it turned out that she was on drugs but she didn't want any help with that."

"Did she come for Lottie?"

"No, she came for money. She turned up and demanded money for Lottie or she would take her and leave. There was no way on earth that she was taking my daughter so I paid her, I essentially bought my daughter from her. There were other ways around getting rid of her without paying her but unless I killed her she would always come back and regardless of anything else she was still Lottie's mom and I didn't want to have to tell her one day that I killed her mom so I paid her, she left and I've not seen her since." "I don't know how you've got through all of that and can still be such a good person, such a good Alpha."

"How can you even think that let alone say it after how I have treated you?" This girl must be seeing something that I'm not here because I don't get how she can think that. "No, you haven't been the best to me but you also haven't treated me badly. You haven't called me bad names or hit me and you helped me in the woods when I was hurt."

She stares at my chest as she speaks while Anger shoots through me at hearing her words and I have to remind myself that those kinds of treatments are all she has ever known in her life but not anymore. I hock my finger under her chin so that she has to look up at me and my chest hurts with how sad she looks.

"Listen to me and listen to me good. I would never and will never call you names or hit you, just the thought of doing that to any woman never mind you makes me want to throw up. I would cut my own hands off and cut out my tongue before I did any of that to you, baby." She stares at me for several seconds then nods and lets a little smile out, it's not the biggest smile that I've seen on her but it's a start and it makes me breathe a little easier.

"Wait, what happened to the Rogue that told you everything?" I smile as I think of him "Well, it turned out that he was a doctor and after some time of proving himself he became a doctor in our pack. Sadly we lost him last year when he tried to defend a she-wolf from a crazed wolf in our pack. He had lost his mate and went insane and tried to hurt her, Devon stepped in to protect her and got his heart ripped out as a thank-you. Of course, Zane the wolf that hurt him was killed for his actions but I do miss Devon. He worked closely with my uncle and I know he misses him too."

"And what about Lottie's grandad? Do you know what happened to him, where he went?"

"Yeah, Max stayed here with us. Sadly, 9 months later he died in his sleep but I'm glad that he got to stay with Lottie until the end. We cremated him and we had his ashes put in a necklace for when Lottie was older. I also kept a photo of both of them for her. He loved her so much and I've always made sure that she knows that."

"Does she know about her mom?"

"Yeah, she started asking about her when she was around 5 however, I managed to hold her off until she was 13. Just after her birthday, she asked about her again and I told her everything because I thought she deserved to know and I felt she was old enough to handle it but still I was surprised at how well she did take it. She doesn't talk about her much anymore but she knows I'm here whenever she needs me."

"When you made it clear that you didn't want me as your mate I got it, it happens sometimes but I get it even more now. Only whereas before I thought it was that you just didn't want a mate or that you didn't want me, I now see that there's so much more to it and I'm guessing trust is a big part of it?"

"It is. While I learned to live with what happened, it still scared me but I don't think what happened with the Rogues has much to do with it anymore. Not knowing what happened is a factor but having Lottie's mom do what she did to me was a massive blow and it wasn't just that, a few years after that happened I started seeing a woman from a neighbouring pack. I gave it my all only for her to cheat on me with the pack Beta 5 months later."

"Then about a year after that, I met a she-wolf from another pack, we started up something but I didn't trust her, and I made sure she knew it even if I didn't mean to. She was a lovely girl and didn't deserve how paranoid I was. Within a few weeks she ended things and I didn't blame her. She deserved better. Our breaking up turned out to be a good thing anyway as 4 months later she found her mate and they now have several pups. That was the last time I tried to start any kind of relationship with women." "Did you ever want a mate? If you have had other relationships then surely you were open to having a woman in your life?"

"Truthfully, I'm not even sure how to explain it. I know it sounds strange but for some reason in my head it was ok to be with someone who isn't my mate, maybe it's because I could walk away at any time and it would be ok, whereas if I had my mate I wouldn't be able to just walk away, the bond would be too much to leave behind. As I said I can't really explain it but I just knew after what Lottie's mom did that I didn't want my mate. I just couldn't see myself trusting a woman as much as I would need to if it was my mate" "I understand I think..." She nods and it's easy to see that she's being honest when she says that she understands but the heartache in her eyes is burning right now and it just makes me want to knock my own ass out for making her feel this way. I take her hands in mine and stare down into her eyes and watch them swirl with emotion.

"Bonnie, all of that was before I met you. It was how I felt until you came along. Fuck the moment I picked up your scent I knew that it was going to be harder than I thought to walk away and then I saw you and... Fuck, the moment I saw you I knew that walking away from you was going to destroy me, I tried to ignore that thought but it was still there."

"But you only saw me for a few seconds before you ran from me. How could you think so much in so little time?"

"It may have only been a few seconds but I stored the image of you in my head and kept replaying it. After I was stopped from my attempt to hide out in my office and drink the night away, I came back to the ball and spotted you within a minute, and even though I tried my best to avoid looking at you I rarely did. Storm didn't help matters either"

"I don't want you to do something because you feel like you have to or that you need to. I promise I won't hate you, if anything I'll always respect you for being honest with me. Dispute what you say about yourself and dispute your reputation for being known as an angry grumpy Alpha, I just want you to know that I don't see you as any of those things, not really. I'm honestly glad that I got to meet you and I'm even more glad that we got to talk and I got to know more of the real you. It helps me now and I know that it will help me in the future.

The more she talks the more I start to panic and while I appreciate what she's saying it still doesn't take away from the fact that she sounds like she's leaving this place and me behind and I can't let that happen, I won't. Moon goddess, please help me here, I'm begging you!

"Why don't you go for another run?" We've been sat in silence for several minutes and she throws me with her words. Of everything she could have said I did expect that. "I'm fine right here, darling." She shakes her head as a small smile blesses her face and again I replace myself wanting to kiss her. "No, no you're not. I can feel how tense you are and I can see Storm trying to take over control. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to tell me everything but, I can imagine that you have a lot of anger and emotions that you need to work through and we all know that a run is the best way to do that."

She's right, it is the best way to work through things but at the same time, I don't want to leave her, not yet anyway. "I don't want to leave you. I don't want you to think I just run when things get tough."

She shakes her head and after several minutes of going black and forth, she somehow managed to not only convince me to go for a run but that she also didn't need anyone to keep her company while I was gone. Of course, I had guards on the door before I had even left but still, watching her telling me how it was going to happen and seeing that little ball of fire pop back out showed me more than ever that one day she would be one incredible Luna, and be a Luna she will be.