Back & Forth | Book 1 of Back & Forth Series
Thirty Seven: Confusion

A bright, glaring light invades my vision as I open my eyes. Closing them again is the only thing I can do to prevent myself from getting blind.

Fuck. Why is it so bright? What time is it now? Did I overslept? I don’t think the sun will be this bright if it’s still early in the morning.

I take in a deep breath and open my eyes, slowly this time. I squint at the bright blue sky outside the window, letting my eyes adjust to the bright light. The sound of birds chirping playfully fills my ear as I stare at them flying past my window weakly.

How long did I sleep? What time is it now? It has to be around one in the afternoon from the look of it. I can see that the sun is set above the house so it’s gotta be one in the afternoon.

I avert my drowsy gaze towards my clock on the nightstand. The device shows me that it is indeed one in the afternoon. Not exactly though. It’s already 1.15. I let my eyes wander around the room, searching through the spacious room for the presence of my cousins and Luciano. None of them are here in the room with me. That’s strange. Where are they now? Maybe they’re working already? That’s the only reasonable answer. Considering the current time, it could be the truth.

I roll over to the extra bed on my left side lazily and then push myself to sit. Fuck. My head hurts. Let me recollect my mind. What the fuck happened last night? Okay, I remember I was getting my makeup done so I have fake bruises and wounds all over my face and body. After that we left to get to the meeting point to meet my father. What happened next? Oh, I got the vision at the same time Alessio did. What’s after that? Kicking and kneeling. Right. I kicked and kneeled Federico and his men in the nuts. Awesome.

Wait. Why is Federico there? He tried to take me away. What else? What happened? Shit. I can’t remember anything else. I do feel that this memory loss is only temporary. I’ll get my memories back later. Let’s just forget about everything for now. I’m here, safe and sound, so, I think we beat Federico last night. I feel like we beat Federico.

I better go to the bathroom now. I feel like I’m going to pee myself. Thank god I didn’t get any of those toilet dreams. That would be embarrassing to replace myself peed on my own bed like a child.

I put my feet down onto the cold marble floor. I stretch my legs and arms for a few seconds, and then head to the bathroom as I let out a yawn. I feel so tired. What I did last night definitely used up all my energy.

After doing my nature’s call, I get in front of the sink and look at myself in the mirror. Oh? The fake bruises already gone? Did I clean them up myself? I don’t think so. I remember myself falling asleep in the car and not waking up after that. I guess someone cleaned it off for me while I was asleep. Wait. There’s still one left.

I rub it off and then wince at the pain that comes right away. Oh shit. That one’s real. When did I get that? I can’t remember. Something definitely happened last night. Whatever. I’m not going to worry about it.

I look at my clothes and I’m still wearing the same pair of sweatshirt and sweatpants that I wore last night. It doesn’t really matter. It’s not like it’s dirty from sweat or anything else. I guess while I’m here, I better take a shower. Maybe it’ll help me wake up and feel a bit rejuvenated.

Just like any other day, I brush my teeth, wash my face, and then take a shower. Steam escapes the shower cubicle as I open the glass door after I finish showering. I step on the mat and then dry off my body. Up next in my daily routine is applying facial moisturiser, lip balm, body butter, and of course, some deodorant. With my body wrapped in a towel, I look around the bathroom and then face palm myself. Right. I forgot to bring clothes in here. I guess I have to go to the closet now and get dressed up for the day.

I stagger back, gripping my towel tightly, as I replace Luciano standing right in front of me with his fist up. He looks down at me and then quickly turns around, noticing that I’m wearing nothing but a towel. Shit. I better hold onto my towel like it’s my dear life. There’s no way I’m letting it fall, not when Luciano is here.

Yeah, yeah. I know he’s my boyfriend now but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let him see me naked now. Absolutely not. Not yet. Not anytime soon.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t see anything. I promise.” Luciano said nervously.

“It’s okay. I believe you.” I said with a smile.

“Uh, I’m here to let you know about your lunch. I brought it here. I figured you were in the bathroom so I was going to knock and tell you about it.” Luciano explained.

Lunch? Yay! I didn’t realise how hungry I am before he mentioned it. My stomach feels so empty from not eating breakfast. I better get ready now so I can eat my lunch.

“Okay. Thank you. I’m gonna get dressed first now.” I said, stepping towards my walk-in closet door.

“Wait!” Luciano said. His back is still facing me. I stop in my track, staring at the back of his head. I wonder what he wants to say now.

“Yeah? What is it?” I asked.

“Do you want to eat on this desk here or the bed?” Luciano asked.

Oh. Where do I want to eat? I don’t think eating on the bed at this time would be strange. I do feel kinda sick. I’m probably sick. My head is bruised and still hurting and I don’t know why. Anyways, I better just eat on the desk. It feels more proper.

“I’ll eat here on the desk.” I answered.

“Okay. I’ll bring your lunch here later. Do you want me to stay here with you in the room or will you be fine on your own?” Luciano asked.

I know that Federico won’t bother us anytime soon because now we know the traitors who works for him, all thanks to the list. I’m getting that Alessandro already ordered the capos to lock up the traitors. Not really sure if he has interrogated them. However, I feel like I’ll need Luciano to stay with me for the sake of my sanity. Something tells me that I might get an anxiety attack or face something uncomfortable later. I need him to be there to soothe me and no one will be able to do that if I’m left alone.

“I want you to stay with me. If that’s fine with you.” I said hesitantly.

“Of course it’s fine. I’ll stay with you.” Luciano said.

“Okay. I better get dressed now. I’ll talk to you again later.” I said. I’m starting to feel cold. I guess it’s the air conditioner. Wearing nothing but a towel doesn’t help either.

“Okay. I’m going to take your lunch and wait here.” Luciano said.

“Okay.” I said.

I step into the closet and then sigh as I close the door and lean my back against it. My mind races with anxiety. It feels as though it’s trying to show me something but it’s still searching for the file. It’s making me dizzy. I don’t want to think about what happened last night but my mind seems to have a mind of its own. It doesn’t obey my command to stop thinking even just for a second. I think I better just ignore it as best as I can. I need to get dressed now and eat my lunch or else I’m going to get sick.

I browse through my closet, searching for something to wear for the day. I decide to wear what’s on my sight, a pair of blue sweatshorts and a white t-shirt. After I put on my underwear and clothes I’ve chosen, I step out of the closet with my eyes fixed on the floor. I take back what I said earlier, I’m actually still feel sleepy even after the shower. Maybe I should’ve take a cold shower instead of a hot, steaming shower.

My gaze falls on Luciano’s black pants covered legs. I stop in my track as my eyes slowly move up to his body. With his hands on each of his sides, Luciano stands there leaning against the desk. You can’t tell me he doesn’t look so fucking hot right now. Fuck. I can’t even describe it with words. The way his black t-shirt fits snuggly around his body, the pose, everything. Everything about him is just so fucking perfect. Like, ugh! Just imagine getting-

“Allura? Are you okay?” Luciano said. I snap out of my daze. My cheeks turning hot as realisation hit me. I’ve been staring at him for god knows how long. I definitely look like a creep doing that.

I blink rapidly and nod vigorously at Luciano. Shit. He definitely knows I was staring at him. Fuck. This is so embarrassing.

“Uh, yeah. I’m just- uh, spacing out.” I stuttered.

“Alright. Now that you’re done staring at me, come here and eat your lunch.” Luciano said with a smirk. It was too obvious, wasn’t it? Shit. I’m so embarrassed. But how could I not stare? You can’t blame me. I wish I ca. disappear right now. If only I can go invisible.

“Sorry.” I said, looking down at my feet with my face still hot from embarrassment.

“For what? Staring at me? I’m all yours, amore. You can stare at me as long and as much as you want.” Luciano said. His words only make my face even hotter. Fuck. Did he just called me amore? Oh my god, I’m going to pass out now.

(Love.)

The smirk on Luciano’s face suddenly disappears as he pushes himself off the desk. He steps closer to me with a sad frown. Why is he looking at me like that? What’s wrong?

“Are you really okay though? Alessandro told me you hit your head a couple times when your car was attacked.” Luciano said. His gaze then moves from my eyes to my forehead. I hit my head? How? What happened?

“Your bruise is getting darker. You’ll need an ice pack later for that.” Luciano said. He reaches for me and gently moves my hair away from my face. I frown at him, suddenly feeling anxious at my memory loss. How could I not remember what happened last night?

“I actually forget about most of what happened last night. I only remember the men with my father got caught by Federico and his men and then I fought them off. The rest, I don’t know. I don’t even remember hitting my head.” I said, shrugging. Fuck. I feel dizzy again.

“You don’t remember anything else? Like your father?” Luciano asked. My father? I did saw him in my vision being forced by Federico to go onboard with his plan to take me but that’s it. What happened- oh.

I feel a pair of hands catch me as I lose my balance. Luciano sits me down on the chair with my mind already elsewhere.

Federico killed my father. He fucking killed my father. He shot my father in the head. Why am I so upset about it right now? My father didn’t even care about me. He only agreed to meet us just so he can save his ass from getting killed. He even let Federico get me for free at first! For fucking free! He only agreed to do what Federico told him because he wanted to stay alive. Am I that fucking worthless to my own father? If so, why do I feel bad about him getting killed?

“Allura, please talk to me.”

I blink my eyes and look at Luciano. He’s already kneeling in front of me. His hands holding onto mine as he stares right into my eyes with worries.

“I- I remember what happened. I remember Federico killing my father. He shot him. Federico shot my father.” I said. Tears brimming in my eyes as I stare back into his eyes.

Am I actually crying right now? Why am I crying over my father’s death? Why? What’s there to cry about? Why am I crying over someone who didn’t care about me?

“I’m sorry about your father.” Luciano said. I can hear the sympathy in his voice. I don’t even care about my father so, why am I crying over him right now? This is so confusing.

I’m being brought back to reality as I feel Luciano’s hands on both sides of my face. I stare into his eyes again but say nothing. I still don’t get this. How can someone who I didn’t care about who also didn’t care about me make me cry like this? Am I just traumatised about what happened? I don’t think so. This is really confusing.

“I don’t understand why I’m crying over him. It’s not like I care about him. He hurt me before. He didn’t love and care about me as his daughter like other fathers. So why am I sitting here crying over his death?” I said. Luciano sighs, his hands still frame my face with his hands. He wipes away the tears from my eyes with his thumbs. His expression is somber.

“I know you’re confused about your feelings right now but just let it out, okay? Talk to me. Cry as much as you want. I’ll be here with you.” Luciano said. His words trigger my tears to pool in my eyes, blurring my vjsion. I quickly pull Luciano to me, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face into his shoulder. I let it all out. I sob onto his shoulder. Luciano stays silent, one arm around my back while one of his hand gently holds my head close to him.

“There you are.”

I look up from Luciano’s shoulder with my tear-filled eyes. Luciano lets go of me as Alessio and Alessandro approaches us. Sadness immediately clouds my cousins’ faces when they notice my current state.

“Is this about last night?” Alessio asked with a frown. I nod at him, my lips are trembling as I hold back my sob. I throw my arms around Luciano again and bury my face in the crook of his neck, continuing my crying and silent sobbing.

“It’s okay. I’m here. We’re here.” Luciano whispered.

Someone puts his hand on my shoulder and rubs it. I just let it as I continue crying in Luciano’s arms. Fuck. It feels as though I can’t stop my crying. My tear ducts are like a leaking tap right now. After I’m not sure how long it is, I finally stop crying. I feel calmer but my chest hurts from the sobbing.

I slowly let go and move away from Luciano. My gaze fixed on the floor beneath me, avoiding everyone’s gaze as I’m still embarrassed from my long crying session. Everyone remains silent but I can feel their eyes watching me. I sniffle and then rub my itchy nose. Ew, look at that long snot.

“Ew, what the fuck?” I said. Everyone laughs and I quickly take a few sheets of tissues from the desk. I quickly clean my face, nose, and fingers from any tears and snot. I look up at my cousins with an embarrassed smile before letting my gaze falls to the floor again. My eyes snap to Luciano and see his black shirt already drenched with my tears and snot. Yikes. That’s bad.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

“No. Don’t apologise. It’s fine. I’ll change my shirt later.” Luciano said with a reassuring smile. I only smile apologetically, still gathering my thoughts.

“I don’t understand this. I don’t even care about my father but here I am crying over his death.” I scoffed.

“I don’t think you’re crying because you care about him. It might just be sympathy. People die and you feel sad about it. What you saw last night wasn’t a normal death either. You saw your father got shot and killed. It might be traumatic to you.” Alessio explained. He could be true about that but I’m still not sure about it. Consciously, I don’t think I have the slightest bit of empathy and sympathy for my father. Subconsciously, I probably do. I’m probably traumatised by what I witnessed as well.

“You’re probably right. I hate crying over someone who doesn’t deserve my tears though.” I said.

“Repressing your feelings is not good. If you want to cry, you should do it even if it’s for a stupid reason.” Alessio said.

“Yeah. You’re right.” I said. I rub my swollen eyes, feeling how uncomfortable they are right now. This is what I hate about crying. My eyes are heavy and all weird. I probably look like shit right now with my puffy face and eyes. Fuck. I definitely need to wash my face again after this. My face feels so sticky.

Everyone goes silent again and I also stay quiet, not sure of what else to say. I take in a slow, deep breath and then exhale. My mind still feels foggy but my chest feels lighter now. Every time I’m done crying, I always feel numb, but now, I actually feel calm and relieved. Almost refreshed.

I let out a sigh and then look at everyone through my heavy eyelids. My gaze fixed on Alessandro. He’s been quiet ever since he got here. I wonder what’s on his mind. It seems like he’s lost in his thoughts right now.

“Now that my father’s dead, I don’t think you’ll get your money back.” I said to Alessandro. He snaps out of his daze and then does a nonchalant shrug.

“I don’t care about the money. I just wanted to teach your father a lesson. No amount of money is worth getting if I have to lose you in the end.” Alessandro explained. I can’t help but smile at what he just said. His words make me feel like I’m finally worth something to someone. Like I’m finally cared for. After everything I’ve gone through with my unloving and uncaring parents, this feels like a huge improvement of my life.

Sometimes I still can’t believe that I have such amazing people as Alessandro and Alessio as my cousins and Luciano as my boyfriend. Well, there used to be Uncle Ryan but ever since I kept my distance from him for the past couple years, I always feel alone. I don’t have anyone to talk with but that’s on me. My uncle is not the one to blame because I was the one who wasn’t brave enough to open up to him. He’s always ready to listen to my problems and help me solve them, but I never accept his help.

“That really means a lot to me. Thank you for saying that to me.” I said.

“You deserve a so much better life after what you’ve been through with your parents. I should’ve gotten you out of their shithole earlier.” Alessandro said.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this now but I’m so glad that I’m kidnapped by you.” I said, smiling to Alessandro and then Alessio and Luciano. Alessandro chuckles and then shakes his head at my statement.

“I still won’t forgive you for putting me in Alessio’s hookup room, though. That’s just foul, dude.” I said, scowling a little at Alessandro.

“Yeah. You really ruined my night.” Alessio added.

“Yeah and I don’t care about it.” Alessandro said to Alessio. Alessandro’s nonchalant response only cause a scowl to appear on Alessio’s face. Alessandro turns ro me and then frowns.

“Why won’t you forgive me? You told me you’ll forgive me if I buy you a new car. I have no regrets doing that though. It was and still is a funny joke.” Alessandro said, grinning at me. I roll my eyes at him. Oh wait. Oh god. I just remember about it. I asked Alessandro to buy me a car just so I’ll forgive him after that room incident. Where is the car though? Alessandro never told me about it.

“Where’s the car, then? I’m not forgiving you for that until I see my car.” I said with my arms crossed over my chest.

“I haven’t bought it. We’ve been busy with all this stuff with your father, Federico, and the traitors. I promise I’ll buy you the car.” Alessandro said. Good for him.

“Thanks! What are you going to buy me though? Is it the Porsche or Audi?” I asked.

“You’ll see about that later.” Alessandro said with a sneaky grin.

“Fine. I’ll wait.” I said, rolling my eyes playfully with a smile on my face.

“Gosh. I can’t believe someone as amazing as you are actually my cousin.” I sighed. The way everyone cared for me really makes me happy on the inside. I’ve only been here for a week but they’ve shown me how much they actually care for me, unlike my parents. I have to stop thinking about them. My father is already dead and I don’t know where my mother is now.

I wonder what would my mother think after my father hasn’t gone back home for days. Will Alessandro actually tell her about my father’s death to my mother? Has Alessandro done anything to my father’s body?

“About my father, did you get his body?” I asked. Alessandro’s smile falters as he nods at my question.

“Yes. Our men have retrieved his body from where Federico killed me. However, when they got there, no sight of Federico and his men was found. They just disappeared and left your father body to rot. His body has been cremated this morning.” Alessandro explained. That’s good, I guess? I don’t really care if my father’s body got buried or cremated.

“Okay. How about Fabio, Benedetto, and Vincenzo? Are they safe? Vincenzo and Benedetto were shot last night.” I said.

“They’re safe. They’ve been taken care of by the doctors. They’re fine and currently recovering. No need to worry about them anymore.” Alessandro explained.

“Thank god. I guess what I did didn’t go in vain.” I said.

“Yes. They’re definitely grateful about it. They’ve been talking about how they’ve been saved by an unseen creature. You really did great last night.” Alessandro said with a smile. Nice. I guess I could say that I’m their hero now. I really saved their lives. That’s good.

“I was just helping them by doing what I could do. I can’t stay and do nothing when I know that I can help them.” I said, shrugging.

“You’re a good person, Allura. It’s good to have you here. You’re officially a part of the famiglia now.” Alessandro said proudly.

“I don’t think I’m a good person but I’ll accept the compliment.” I said with a shrug.

“I guess none of us are really a good person.” Alessio said with a grin.

“Yeah. All of us here at least have done one bad thing.” Luciano said. That’s definitely true. There’s no way a mafia member like my cousins and Luciano never done anything bad at least once in their whole life.

“All that aside, I’m so happy to be a part of the famiglia. I still can’t believe that I have amazing cousins like you.” I said. It’s nice to finally have a real family. I know they’re my family by blood still but what makes them a real family to me is that we care about each other. We want to protect each other from harm.

“Am I best one?” Alessandro said as he wiggled his eyebrows. He gives me a cheeky smile and I smile at how silly he looks right now.

“No. I’m obviously the best one.” Alessandro retorted. Alessandro turns to Alessio. The smile on his face has been replaced with a scowl.

“No. I am.” Alessandro responded. I chuckle at their little banter.

“Guys, stop. I know you’re just joking but both of you are equally amazing. I love you guys.” I said. I jump to my feet and wrap my arms around both of my cousins.

“I love you too, cousin.” Alessio said, patting my back gently.

“Love you too.” Alessandro said as he rubbed my back. I step away from them, suddenly remembering about when Alessandro told me he’s going to invite the family here again to discuss about my telepathic connection with Luciano.

“I just remember something. When are we going to invite our family here again? I’m really curious about what Nonna and Aunt Emilia think about my telepathic connection with Luciano.” I said. The smile disappears from Alessandro’s face at the question. From the look on his, I don’t think I’ll be able to see them anytime soon.

“I’m not sure. We have to make sure Federico won’t do any stupid shit anymore before we see them again. We can’t risk them getting hurt. It’s safer for them to stay wherever they are they are right now than being near us.” Alessandro explained. A disappointed frown forms on my face. I hate hearing it but Alessandro is right. Yeah, Aunt Emilia and nonna has their powers but it’s definitely better if they stay away from us for the time being. At least until we’re sure that Federico won’t do anything to us anymore.

“You’re right. It’s better if we meet them after we stop Federico for good.” I said.

“Yes. You two are right. We better do something to stop Federico before he cause more harm to us and everyone else.” Alessio added.

The thought of the traitors suddenly enters my mind. Now that they’ve been locked up, we definitely need to interrogate them ASAP. We should not only make them confess their betrayal towards us but we also need to replace out more about Federico’s plan through them.

“About the traitors, when are we going to interrogate them?” I asked.

“We’ll interrogate Giulio first and then we’ll go straight to the warehouse to interrogate the others. We can start the interrogation later if you’re up for it.” Alessandro explained.

“Sure. Let’s do it. Let me eat my lunch first and then I’ll go to the basement with Luciano later.” I said. Alessandro looks down at my clothes and then stare at my face again.

“You might want to change your clothes just in case.” Alessandro said. From the way he said it, there might be some tortures involved. I better get myself ready for that.

“Okay. I’ll change my clothes later.” I said.

“Good. Luciano, let me know if Allura has finished her lunch. Alessio and I are going to prepare Giulio first.” Alessandro said.

“Will do, boss.” Luciano said.

“Alright. I’ll see you both in the basement later.” Alessandro said.

“Okay.” I said. I watch as Alessandro and Alessio leave my room, once again leaving me and Luciano alone with each other. I sit back on the chair again and stare at the plate of spaghetti aglio olio with shrimps. Nice. I swirl the spaghetti around my fork and put it into my mouth.

“Are you really okay right now?” Luciano asked. His eyes clearly telling me that he’s doubting my current feelings.

“I’m fine. I’m serious. The crying really helped me release my pent up emotions.” I explained as I stare inro Luciano’s eyes. He sighs at my reply.

“I’m really glad to hear that. If you feel sad again, don’t hesitate to tell me about it. You can always tell me about anything, and I mean anything, okay? I’ll always be there with you if you need my company.” Luciano said. He puts his hand over mine and I nod at him with a smile. He’s so sweet. I can’t believe he’s actually my boyfriend now. What he means about anything is probably about me being suicidal. He always seems so sad when I’m being suicidal by talking about death and how I want to die. I don’t want to make him sad like that anymore. I really hope my suicidal side won’t come back anymore.

“I will. You’ll be the first person I go to when I want to vent or need something to help with.” I said. I used to not trust people but now I know for sure that I can trust my family here including and especially Luciano. I don’t need to worry about anything anymore. I can tell Luciano everything. He’s my boyfriend now. I can trust him.

“Good to hear that. I’m going to get changed now. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Luciano said.

“Okay.” I responded. Luciano immediately leaves the room and I continue eating my lunch in silent. I can’t wait to interrogate Giulio. Let’s see if he’ll confess and say anything about Federico, with or without my powers.