Chasing Cthulhu (Urf Oomons #2)
: Chapter 19

Mandy is in the cafeteria having lunch with Seven when I replace her. I help myself to the food generator and sit down with them.

The noodle machine is pretty cool. At first, when I heard that noodles were all there was available to eat here, I could have cried. But I’ve found that they’re printed out of this machine, and they can come in any texture, any flavor. The hard part is programming it. Luckily, Mandy brought all kinds of Earth food aboard just to program this machine. Nothing is ever exactly right like the fruits are dull, or the lemon flavor doesn’t have any zing to it, stuff like that. The textures are always off a little bit too.

Mandy and I couldn’t program it because we don’t have implants, so we had the guys look, touch, and taste each food item and their neural implants programmed that information into the food machine. I have a suspicion that they don’t have the same kind of taste buds as we do. But, anyway, it’s fun to experiment and beats eating plain noodles every single day.

I order up some almost-orange chicken with fried rice-like noodles and take a seat with Mandy and Seven.

‘So,’ I say between bites of food. ‘I just saw Ken jump across a room.’

Mandy shakes her head. ‘He can’t jump.’

‘I just saw him do it.’

‘It’s kind of impossible with the way they’re bodies are. Tentacles can’t jump. Right Seven?’

Seven looks a little lost and says, ‘What do you mean by jump? I am getting multiple translations—’

Mandy stands up and walks around her seat then performs a few jumps.

‘See how my feet left the ground? That’s a jump.’

She sits back down.

‘We could jump under water,’ Seven says.

Mandy asks, ‘But could Ken have jumped across a room?’

Seven shakes his head.

‘Well, I saw him do it. Review the logs if you don’t believe me.’ As soon as the words leave my mouth I want to take them back.

‘Okay, good idea.’

I wave my hand and say, ‘Never mind.’

‘No, I’m curious now. I don’t think you’re lying, and I want to solve this mystery.’

We continue to eat and chat about Ken.

Mandy mentions again that she feels like he’s acting weird.

‘He never hangs out while I’m painting anymore. And look, he used to have every single meal with us.’ She gestures around illustrating that Ken isn’t in the room with us.

I glance at Seven, but he is looking down at his food. His tentacles are all moving with a slight jerk though. Like he’s trying to hold them still, but not succeeding.

‘Seven,’ I say, and he still doesn’t look at me. ‘Do you know why Ken is acting weird?’

‘I may have encouraged him to be more productive with his time.’

Mandy is pissed. Her cheeks flush and her mouth has thinned into a hard line and she’s holding her fork so tightly in her hand that it may break.

Seven continues, ‘I let him know that it is annoying for him to spend his free time following my mate around like a lost pet.’

The fork snaps in half.

‘I told him that he should be aware that he does not contribute any value to—’

Mandy stands then stomps to the reclamation bin and throws her dish and fork pieces inside with force causing them to clank together.

Seven has changed from his usual pink/purple color to a dark blue. ‘Dear One—’

‘Gloria, please tell Seven I’m not talking to him.’

Seven stills, his tentacles motionless. ‘What? Why—’

‘I think he heard you,’ I interrupt.

I feel bad for Seven, but he was a total dick to Ken. He has to know that Mandy wouldn’t want him interfering in her friendships like that. She’s been really worried about Ken’s strange behavior and Seven didn’t say anything about it until now when I confronted him. What did he expect?

‘Good.’ She studiously avoids looking in his direction. Linking her arm through mine she says with forced cheerfulness, ‘Let’s go look at that security log.’

Seven is hanging back, looking miserable as he follows us into the corridor.

‘Gloria, please tell Seven that it’s annoying when he follows us around like a lost pet.’

I turn toward Seven. I’m not really going to repeat what she said. He’s obviously heard, and he’s stricken. He’s as dark a color as I have ever seen on one of these guys, so blue he’s nearly black. And all of his tentacles are still. Then he makes a trilling sound that is muffled and drawn out and just so very sad.

Mandy and I continue down the hallway and around the corner until he’s out of sight.

‘That was kinda harsh,’ I tell her.

She slumps her shoulders and sighs.

‘I know. But it’s not the first time he’s pulled this sort of thing. He told me that it’s instinctual guarding behavior that Homeworlders have toward hosts. But he’s not an animal. He should be able to control himself. And anyway, he knows Ken isn’t any kind of a threat. He’s being an asshole at this point.’

I nod because she’s right. Seven shouldn’t be so controlling and possessive. Like, it’s okay for him to feel that way. But he shouldn’t act that way.

‘Why did Ken listen to him though?’ I wonder aloud.

‘I don’t know. And to be honest, I don’t think Seven’s nonsense is the only explanation for it. Those two disagree and talk shit to each other all the time.’

‘Well, what’s changed recently?’ I ask her. ‘Besides me coming aboard?’

‘Oh, well, they were arrested, had all of their credits and this ship confiscated, Lu and Ken were abducted by Seereechee slavers, then Lu was stranded on Earth all that time until he was abducted again—’

‘Maybe you should give them back their ship,’ I suggest.

She purses her lips then asks, ‘What difference would that make? It’s all of our home. It’s not like I’m going to kick him off the ship.’

‘Well, it could be that Ken thinks of you as his boss now, ya know? Because he doesn’t own anything and is basically living on charity, which Seven seems to have made clear to him. He probably feels kind of vulnerable and useless.’

She’s looking at me wide-eyed now. ‘You know, that makes sense. Here I was thinking that everyone understood that we’re a family and everything is shared but—’

‘Is that true though?’ I cut in.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You have all the credits. You own the ship. You’re making the plans and these aliens are your yes-men and I’m your personal assistant.’

She looks a bit shocked.

‘I’m not saying it’s a bad thing,’ I reassure her. ‘Somebody has to be in charge. It might as well be you. I’m just pointing out that the relationship dynamic has changed between you and Ken because you’re his boss now.’

She grapples with this for a moment then asks, ‘But we’re friends though, right, Gloria? You’re not just—’

‘Don’t be silly.’

‘I’m serious.’

‘Don’t be serious, either.’

She laughs and I’m relieved because the tension that had strung between us evaporates.

‘Okay.’ She nods. ‘Let’s go check the log and then figure out how to give the ship back so these aliens aren’t so completely at my mercy.’

‘Yes, Boss.’ She elbows me. ‘Ow, Boss.’

When we review the footage on the security log, after Mandy teases me about making out with Lu, we see that Ken had reached out a tentacle and grabbed the edge of the pod entrance. He then used that hold to fling himself into it, pulling that tentacle taught then snapping it like a rubber band.

So he hadn’t really jumped.

This investigation has piqued our curiosity though and now Mandy and I decide to go to the med-bay and figure out exactly how these aliens work, anatomically. Like, how do they hold themselves upright? Shouldn’t they kind of flop around like an octopus does? What is anchoring their upper bodies to stand up straight?

It’s quite a long lesson. And not as interesting as I thought it would be until we get a full anatomical map projected onto one wall. That’s when I see something very interesting.

‘Is that a dick?’ I ask, pointing at what is too small to be a tentacle arm and a little too large to be a penis.

It looks vaguely shlong-like, but its ribbed, the base is a lot wider than the head and it seems to be kind of—bifurcated? Like, instead of the tiny slit on the head that human cocks have, the slit on this alien cock goes all the way from back to front splitting it in half. And instead of having a rounded cock-head, it’s slightly pointed. And even though this picture doesn’t show it, I get the impression that it can move independently, like a tentacle.

Mandy studies the rendering. ‘I don’t know, it looks kind of weird, doesn’t it?’

‘Mandy, are you serious?’

‘What?’

‘You should know what it looks like.’

She scrunches her face.

‘You and Seven.’ I gesture at her and then at the map. ‘You know. He’s your man—alien—Whatever. You’ve done it with him.’

She’s staring at me like I’m the crazy one.

‘I didn’t study it!’

‘You didn’t even look at it?’

She’s blushing now.

‘You had sex with an alien, and you didn’t even check what he was working with?’ I ask, shocked. ‘It could have had spikes or something! You could have been hurt!’

‘I—I guess I got caught up in the moment,’ she explains lamely.

‘You guys only did it once?’

‘Well, no—’

‘But you’ve never taken a peek, at all?’

‘Christ, what are you? The sex police?’

‘From the Alien Intercourse Investigation Unit,’ I deadpan.

‘Ugh—’

‘Because in the criminal justice system, alien encounters are considered to be especially heinous—’

She covers her face and lets out a long-suffering sigh.

‘Okay,’ I tell her, ‘Here’s what you’re going to do. You go make up with Seven, then investigate and get back to me. I expect a full report.’

She uncovers her face and asks, ‘Why don’t you conduct your own alien peen investigation?’

‘I don’t have one to investigate.’

She unclasps a clip from her hair then turns and throws it toward the wall. Before it can hit though, it’s stopped in mid-air and seems to float.

Lu slowly un-camouflages, holding Mandy’s clip in one tentacle.

‘Oh, look who’s here,’ she says nonchalantly.

She saunters over, retrieves her clip, and then she’s leaving the room.

‘I expect a full report,’ she calls over her shoulder.