Cut the Cord
Chapter 13

They go back to Kurt’s and have some sandwiches beforespending the afternoon alternating between browsing fashion blogs and makingsnarky comments about the contestants on America’sNext Top Model. When it gets to four o’clock, Kurt suggests that theyshould stop being mean human beings and do something else.

“How about some Rummy?” He asks, and Blaine remembers whenhe taught him how to play the card game, an activity used to fill many an emptyevening when Blaine had been boarding at Dalton. He feels instinctively excitedat the prospect, a little shot of happy exhilaration sparking through him.

Kurt goes off to replace the cards and Blaine stares around theroom, eyes jumping between trinkets. Sofamiliar, yet so distant. A flash of red catches his eye and he leansforward from his spot on the floor to pick up the little piece of paper whereit’s peeking out under the bedside table. It turns out to be a gift tag—afestive one probably, given the colour. He feels the cardboard between hisfingers, then flips it over to its non-shiny side. To his surprise, there’sunmistakable writing on the otherwise unblemished white rectangle. Why did Kurtkeep a random tag he wrote? Blaine tells himself not to read it, his heartbeating a little too fast in a different kind of anticipation, the cardsuddenly seeming heavier in his palm. Of course, he reads it anyway.

Blaine,

Wishing you the bestof Christmases ever to exist —You really do mean the world to me!

I love you,

Kurt xxxx

Blaine’s pretty sure he can’t breathe and his ears areringing with the sound of absolutely nothing. He’s empty; a balloon with noair.

He doesn’t even hear Kurt come back into the room until he’sstood right above him.

“Blaine?”

The voice sounds strange but all Blaine can think of is thatword—his name—scrawled across the tag in his hand. Kurt apparently registerswhat Blaine is holding because he slowly bends down and takes it out of hisgrip; it doesn’t require much force.

“I—I wrote this in September and then—I wrapped things waytoo early this year—And I didn’t know— I couldn’t bring myself to get rid ofit.” Kurt explains unnecessarily. Blaine is pretty sure his heart is pulsing atan unhealthy speed.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise I left it lying around…Are you,um, okay?” Kurt sounds worried, and Blaine remembers vaguely that he’sconsidered a hazard to himself at the moment, and that Kurt’s worry is technicallyjustified. But his rational thoughts are usurped by a sudden desire.

“Can I keep this?” He stares at the wall as he says it,disproportionately terrified that Kurt will say no.

“Yes, of course you can.” Kurt pauses, flicks somethinginvisible off his jeans. “It was for you.”

Blaine doesn’t know what to say as he takes the little pieceof cardboard back, but he feels that Kurt’s statement needs a response of somesort. A recognition, or an acknowledgment that you’re a good person and I don’t deserve this, or you for that matter—andyour handwriting is beautiful—I don’t think I’ve ever told you that before, butI should have—it’s so beautiful.

He turns his face back to Kurt’s, catching the shimmeringeye, and wonders whether Kurt is about to cry or whether the lamp light is justillusive.

“I have to go back to New York tomorrow night.”

The words come out of nowhere and hang in the oxygenparticles between them, sucking Blaine’s breath from his chest.

He nods and drops Kurt’s gaze again, the fire starting toburn unpleasantly.

“I’m sorry—I swear I tried to get more time off, but MadamTibideaux is adamant I don’t miss any more classes and I think it would be best.”

Blaine nods again, insides slowly blistering. “Iunderstand.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Your education is important; you worked hard to get intoNYADA and you shouldn’t just throw that a way.”

“Told you that you didn’t understand,” Kurt smiles and sitsdown on the floor beside Blaine, their knees brushing. “You think that I’mgoing back because otherwise I’ll be kicked out of school; because I have awhole life waiting for me in New York that I’ve already abandoned for too long;because graduating and pursuing my Broadway dreams are incredibly important tome; because my future plans are much moreimportant to me than you are.”

Blaine shrugs. “You care about me, I know that—that’s whyyou came back in the first place. But you can’t afford to screw up your lifeover some messed-up high school ex who you can’t even trust anymore.”

Kurt doesn’t attempt to interrupt him or make any physicalgestures of negation, he merely listens to Blaine incredibly carefully, in away that no one else seems to do anymore.

“No, you don’t get it at all.” Kurt says, reaching out andturning the tag over in Blaine’s hand so that the writing is once again facingupwards. “If it were about school or Broadway or New York, I would never, everget on that flight—never. You have to believe me when I say this: I wouldchoose you over any one of those things, or all of them. I don’t just careabout you and I most certainly didn’t come back out of pity or guilt orwhatever else you’ve convinced yourself it was; I came back to Lima becausewhen my dad told me what you’d done to yourself, I knew I had to be at yourside as fast as humanly possible. You might have been the one in the hospitalbed, but we both nearly died that night. Imagining my life without performingis horrible, but a life without you in it in some capacity? I can’t imaginethat. I physically can’t. You aren’tjust someone I care about, you’re someone who is inextricably connected to me.”

Blaine watches Kurt’s finger trace over his own name and thesubsequent row of ‘X’s.

“So why are you going back then?” He asks, feelingridiculously immature. “…I still need you…”

Kurt’s face falls and he looks much older than Blaineagain—like he’s gone away for a year and come back an adult whilst Blaine remainsa perpetual child.

“I know you do, but that’s why I have to give you somespace, just for a little while.”

“But why?” HasBlaine lost his intelligence as well as his mind? How come nothing is makingthe slightest bit of sense?

“Because we are so connected.”

Blaine suspects that eighty-percent of Kurt’s message isbeing communicated through his eyes, but he replaces those just as intenselycryptic as his words. Suddenly, there’s a weird whining noise and it startleshim before he realises that he wasthe one to make it, that the pathetic sound came from the back of his throat.

He feels the heat rising to his cheeks and draws his kneesup, pressing his too hot face against them. His vision goes dark even though hestill has his eyes wide open, tiny crevices of light visible where his legsmeet.

“Blaine…?” He feels a gentle pressure on the back of hishead, but he resists it, burrowing further and wrapping his arms tightly aroundhis shins.

Kurt doesn’t say anything else, but the soft scritching athis hairline continues and he tries to focus on that.

After far too short a time, the hand retracts and he hearsKurt reshuffle himself next to him, moving just a tiny bit closer.

“When I left for New York, I had to make a lot of changes. Ihad to learn how to be a tiny fish in a huge pond; how to posé turn in 6/8time; how to live away from home and deal with homesickness. Hell, I had tolearn how to cook for a vegan— thank you very much for that one, Rachel!”Blaine smiles into his knees at that. “Point is, the hardest part in all of itwas becoming a person who could live in a different state from you. But Imanaged it; I made the change. And I don’t feel any differently about you as aresult—I’m still just as connected to you—but I now know how to stretch thewire when necessary. I need you, but I’m not dependent. You haven’t had thatchance yet; you never got the memo that I was changing and our relationship hadto readjust, and that’s my fault.”

Blaine turns his head so that his cheek is now resting onhis knees and he can see Kurt.

“So you’re saying I need some time on my own to learn how tobe a fully functioning individual. That for some reason, being around you makesme even more needy and clingy than I naturally am?” Blaine surmises and Kurtwinces at the harsh tone, even though it isn’t directed at him.

“For a start, you’re not going to be on your own, I’m justnot going to be right here. Andyou’re not clingy—you just like to show you care.”

Blaine bites his lip, tilting his face back into his legslightly.

“No, I mean it!” Kurt assures. “And I think that you wouldget better quicker if I was here, unequivocally showing you that I care, in fact I’m certain of it. Butthen what’s to stop it happening again? And again after that? I can’t be yourlinchpin, in the same way that you couldn’t keep being mine. I’m not going tosit here and tell you that you’re feeling the way you are entirely because ofme and our relationship—not even I’m that arrogant—but you must see that if Iput you back together now, you’re always going to need me to keep you together.You need to do this for yourself and worry about us afterwards. I might be in New York, but I’m not going anywhere,ok? I’m just giving you time to heal so that you can be your amazing selfagain. You’ve done it before after the Sadie Hawkins debacle and you can do itthis time, too; I promise.”

“Oh.” Blaine says, because he never thought of it like that.

“Good ‘oh’ or bad ‘oh’?” Kurt asks.

“I’m not sure, but I think I understand what you mean now.” Blaineslowly uncurls himself and slides the tag into his pocket, out of side but notout of mind. Never out of mind.

Kurt smiles and reaches over to take Blaine’s hand in one ofhis own. He interlocks their fingers and squeezes once before resting theirjoined hands on his thigh. “So how about that game of Rummy?”

Kurt goes back to New York the next day. For the first timein weeks, Blaine gels his hair.