Cut the Cord
Chapter 33

The fire fades as Blaine gets ready for Kitty’s party,unable to settle on an outfit. All his clothes seem to be too big, swamping himand making him feel like a cartoon character, or too small, restrictive anduncomfortable against his skin. He sinks down onto his bed, lets his arms sagheavily at his sides, fingers stroking uselessly over the duvet. The softfabric is sort of comforting, but also a reminder of how rough his fingers aregetting; he really should start moisturising again.

He looks at his clock and decides he doesn’t have time tochange yet again. He’ll settle with this silly polo top which makes his armslook pathetically small because everyone there will be too drunk to noticeanyway. He gathers his phone and his wallet and waits for his dad to shout upthe stairs. He feels uneasy with the persistent feeling that he’s donesomething wrong yet wouldn’t go back and change anything if he had theopportunity to do so. It manifests itself in the beginnings of a headache andjust a hint of nausea, his body handing him a ready-made excuse to bail on thewhole thing. But he promised himself he’d make more of an effort, that thistime he wouldn’t push people away, so he takes a painkiller mainly for theplacebo effect and goes downstairs to wait for his dad instead.

When he first arrives, most people seem to have had a headstart on the whole alcohol thing. Either Sam gave him the wrong time or there’sbeen some serious pre-drinking going on. He snags a beer of his own fromKitty’s stash and makes his way into the front room where everyone seems tohave congregated. He almost panics when he doesn’t immediately recognise anyone(apparently Kitty invited her more popular cheerleading buddies as well), butthen he spots his Glee friends in a corner and makes a beeline for them. To behonest, the first hour is incredibly dull and Blaine considers calling his dadto come and pick him up again. He doesn’t want to look rude and he’s doing hisbest to smile and wave his beer in time with the thumping music whenever anyonelooks in his direction, but time is passing torturously slowly and he’s justnot feeling it.

And then, somewhere between a bad rap battle between twocheerleaders and the latest Katy Perry song blasting through the speakers,Blaine stops pretending to have a good time and actually starts to enjoyhimself. He dances with Tina and Sam and laughs at the antics of people whohave definitely had more to drink than himself. Somehow each time he finishes adrink someone offers him another which he accepts gratefully. He’s not smashed,he is definitely still aware of his surroundings and the room isn’t spinning,but he does feel buzzed and he can’t think of a reason not to climb on the sofaand dramatically sing along to the stereo.

As he jumps down rockstar-style to the laughter of hisfriends, he feels like a balloon, but not a shrivelled one. He’s weightless ina good way, soaring upwards as someone pushes him into Sam to take a picture. Hesmushes his face against Sam’s and grins as widely as possible, Tina gigglingsomewhere to his right. Blaine is a balloon and it’s awesome.

Kurt wakes the next morning to Rachel’s infuriatingly loud vocalexercises and lets out a snarl of frustration. He got approximately three hourssleep last night because every time he dozed off, his subconscious dragged himback into alertness. It’s not that he’s worried about Blaine—they’d agreed thatif they were to rekindle their relationship on any level, Kurt couldn’t keep walkingon eggshells—but it is the first time they’ve fought since things got back tonormal. And maybe it’s a little selfish, but Kurt doesn’t want to have moreguilt forced upon him. Okay, maybe it’s very selfish, but he loves Blaine and he hates being the causeof Blaine’s pain, even if he is an oblivious idiot sometimes.

When it’s clear that the pillow isn’t going to block outRachel’s (albeit tuneful) screeching, Kurt heaves himself out of bed and overto his laptop, deciding he’s not hungry for breakfast just yet. He mindlesslylogs onto Facebook as his work email account loads and is instantly bombardedwith pictures of his high school friends mingled with some unfamiliar faces. Heclicks on the album, noticing that it was Tina who uploaded it, and scrollsthrough the pictures. He bites his lip, but he’s unable to stop the smile fromforming when he starts to see Blaine in the pictures halfway down the page.Some of them are a bit blurry and it’s clear that everyone’s more than a littletipsy, but Blaine’s happiness filters off the screen and inside Kurt, makinghis heart lurch. There’s one of him dancing with Sam and then with some girlshe doesn’t know, one of him holding a green-coloured drink in the air, one ofhim jumping off something and posing mid-air. In all of them, he’s grinningbroadly, his eyes crinkled and his teeth on show.

For no rational reason, Kurt feels the sharp sting ofrejection, like somehow he wasn’t cool enough to be included, that he wasdeliberately not invited to this gathering. It’s ridiculous, of course it is;he doesn’t recognise the house where the party was held, nor half the peoplethere, but the idea of spending an evening with his old friends and lookingafter an adorably giggly Blaine is appealing. It looks innocent and fun and alittle silly and everyone is clearly enjoying themselves.

More to the point, Blaine is enjoying himself and Kurt knowsthat is a good thing, that after months of Blaine not being able to smile, heshould be thrilled at this display of simple happiness. But there’s also asmall part of him, a vicious, whiny part he tries his hardest to suppress, thatis vexed at this turn of events. Kurt had spent the whole night tossing andturning in bed and for some reason, he had just assumed that Blaine had beendoing the same thing. He had never imagined that Blaine would be out enjoyinghimself, carefree and grinning, and Kurt is a little jealous that he is nolonger the only cause of that beautiful smile.

He tells himself to snap out of it because that isdefinitely bordering on controlling, psychotic boyfriend territory and insteadlikes his favourite picture of the lot. Blaine is stood on what looks to be acouch, with his arms spread wide on either side of him, his head tilted backslightly and his bowtie a little loose as he smiles coyly down at the camera.It’s as close to a peace offering as Kurt feels able to offer right now so hestops himself from liking all the pictures with Blaine in them and shuts hislaptop.

Naturally, he only manages half his reluctantly poured bowlof cereal before he is checking his phone for a message from Blaine. Hisirritation limps into sadness when the screen remains blank and he pushes hisphone away from him.

“What’s the matter?” Rachel asks from across the room whereshe’s now stretching against the units. “Because I need to leave on time so ifyou’re about to have an emotional crisis, it needs to happen quickly.”

“Get your feet off the units where we prepare food!” Kurtsnaps in response, stomping back into his partitioned room. He is so far from beingin the mood to deal with her today that it’s not even funny. If he has to watchher rotating her wrists while leaning to touch her pink sneakers one more time,he might just slap her.

A few hours later and it’s still radio silence from Blaine.Kurt wonders what on earth he’s doing, whether he’s still out socialising,whether he even went home last night. But for the first time in a while, Kurthas absolutely no idea what Blaine might be up to which leads him to therealisation that usually he doesn’t have to wonder about these things; usually Blainejust tells him. Kurt never asks about Blaine’s upcoming plans—what he’s doingright now when he rings late in the evening and the dull light makes his chestache with longing, but never what he is getting up to next week, or next month.Not unless Blaine volunteers the information, usually after listening to Kurttell him all about his own life.

Even if Kurt has made a point recently of asking Blaine howhis day was, he never asks him to elaborate which, he realises, makes him theworst sort-of-boyfriend ever. The guilt he’s spent the better part of a morningfighting flares hot and heavy in his gut, but he doesn’t mind anymore becausehe deserves it. He’s falling into the same traps over and over again, andwhilst Blaine is learning from his mistakes, turning to his friends instead ofa random stranger, Kurt is stuck on repeat in his own little selfish bubble.It’s ironic that he’d basically accused Blaine of being immature last nightwhen he himself still manages to trip over his own feet while taking babysteps.

What he really wants is to call Blaine until he picks up andthen apologise a lot and then maybe cry, but he feels like he doesn’t have theright to bombard Blaine at the moment. Instead, he waits until Rachel slams thedoor on her way out, still in a huff with him, and logs back onto Facebook. Hescrolls back through the album until he replaces the picture he likes and thentypes a comment underneath, hoping that Blaine will in some way understand.It’s not about a peace offering anymore, it’s about Kurt letting Blaine knowthat he loves him so much even if it is in a horrendously imperfect, selfishway sometimes, and that if Blaine wants to reach out, he would grab a hold ofhim.

The cutest <3

At least, that is what Kurt hopes he gets across, but he’dunderstand if Blaine chose not to read anything into it at all.

It’s not until after dinner that Kurt’s waiting pays off andhe frantically pauses his TV marathon to answer the phone.

“Hello?” He answers breathlessly, gripping his phone so hardthat his knuckles start to hurt.

He must sound half-crazed because Blaine laughs slightly.“Hey.”

“Ok—I can’t believe you just—sorry, I’ve been planning thisout all afternoon and I didn’t think—wow, you actually called me…”

“I promised to always pick up your calls, remember?”

“I didn’t call, though.”

Blaine laughs softly again. “Yeah, okay, but maybe I couldsense that you wanted to, I don’t know.”

“Wow,” Kurt repeats, trying to force his thoughts intoorder. “I promise I did have this all worked out—what I wanted to say, I mean.”

“It’s fine, apology accepted. I shouldn’t have made thecomment in the first place and I know that we’re not together so I had no rightto—”

“No! You can’t just accept my apology!”

“I can’t?”

“No, not yet.” Kurt sighs in frustration, messing up hishair as he thinks of how to word everything. “Okay, just listen for a secondwhile I get this out and then you can talk. I’m sorry, Blaine. I’m sorry that Idon’t always listen to you and I try so hard to answer your calls because Iknow you’d drop everything for me, but sometimes it all gets so hectic and youalways complicate things—in the best of ways most of the time—but sometimes Ijust can’t deal with that on top of everything else if that makes sense? And Iknow it’s horrible and selfish because you always keep your promise to answermy calls. Hell, you even know when to answer my calls before I’ve decided tocall you! How is that even possible?

“Anyway, my point is that you’re perfect and amazingand—okay, you’re not perfect, but you’re always perfect towards me—and I just keep repaying you by beingthe shittiest boyfriend on the planet because I always talk about myself and Inever ask about your plans and…I suck, basically. But I love you so, so much, Iswear. Even if it doesn’t seem like it sometimes, you literally mean the worldto me. And I was so proud of you last night because while I was being patheticand wallowing in the mess I caused myself, you were replaceing your own happinessand not letting me drag you down again. I seem to be too good at doing that.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is it made me realise twothings. Firstly, I’m a crap boyfriend—actually, I’m a crap friend as well—butI’d really like to work on that. And not just by asking about your day, but byactually listening to the response because you said once that I was the singlemost interesting kid in all of Ohio. Do you remember that? But you were wrong; you are the most interesting person onthe planet and I was stupid enough to let my own self-absorption distort that. And—andthe second thing I realised was that you don’t need me anymore. You’re sostrong and you know how to deal with me when I’m being a bitch, but when I hurtyou, you don’t self-destruct anymore. You know how to deal with me and you knowhow to deal with yourself and you have this, I don’t know…self-awareness that Ijust don’t have.

“It’s sort of scary because you don’t need me so there’snothing to stop you walking away and never coming back when I’m a jerk, but it’salso less scary because I don’t feel like you depend on me anymore. I don’tfeel like I’m going to take a step back into my bubble and you’ll topple overbackwards. Am I making any kind of sense? It’s like you’re still my missingpuzzle piece but you don’t complete my jigsaw anymore; you compliment it. We’reseparate puzzles but we complement each other. I just need—okay, I’m just goingto go ahead and say it and then you can—you can just be honest. I know we’restill both learning and it’s hard because we’re not in the same state, but Ilove you and I need you back in my life—properly, none of this uncertainty. Canyou—will you be my boyfriend again?”

“Kurt.” It soundsalmost like a whine, thick with tears which immediately jolt Kurt’s own tearducts into action. It’s weird how he’s so in tune with Blaine’s emotions, butthey’ve always been a bit if you cry, Icry; it has its advantages and disadvantages.

“Is that—I can’t tell if that’s a good ‘Kurt’ or a bad‘Kurt’.”

There’s another pause filled only by Blaine’s sniffles.

“Okay, I’m going to combust if you don’t give me a yes or nohere.” Kurt tries, feeling uncomfortably wound-up inside.

The choked little laugh that follows is the most precioussound in the world and Kurt wishes his phone was recording it so he couldreplay it later.

“I think—no, I know—I’d really like that.” Blaine sayseventually.

“So is that a yes…?” He hardly dares to believe it, to behonest. He had sort of expected the opposite after the hesitation and thetears.

“Yes, Kurt Hummel, I will be your boyfriend again.”

Kurt squeals and jumpsup and down in his seat and almost doesn’t catch what Blaine says next.

“On one condition.”

“Oh?”

“You’ve got to stop beating yourself up over everything. Iknow the distance and then the break-up really didn’t help with the stuff thatI was going through, but you know I was depressed right? And I know that canhave triggers and things can aggravate it and all that, but at its core, it’snot something you can control. It’s just like any other illness. So you didn’tcause it or make me feel that way, okay?”

“I know—”

“—Also, I concede that you handled things badly at times,but then we were—I think it was sort of inevitable. Because, well, you wereright; at the start we were each other’s missing puzzle pieces, just like thesong. We completed each other when we met and that was—that was amazing. Butthen you moved here and you became your own complete puzzle. You were lookingfor another puzzle to coexist with and I was still a half looking for you tomake me whole like before. So put us together and we were one and a half andneither of us felt complete. My instinct was to cling even tighter, yours wasto pull away—I guess we were both being selfish, really.”

Kurt thinks about it, how it all makes sense in hindsight. “Ithink you might be right.”

“Wow, shall I record that momentous sentence? Did youactually just say I’m right about something?”

“Shut up.”

“Shut up and dance with me!” Blaine sings back ridiculously,and Kurt can hear it when his presumably flailing arm hits his bedside lamp.“Ouch!”

“Serves you right. And I’ve had enough cheesy songreferences for one day.”

“Excuse me, Mr Hummel, but Teenage Dream is sacred.”

“Good job you picked an appropriate song on that particularoccasion then. Imagine if I’d walked into Dalton and you’d started singing‘When I Get You Alone’. I think my baby penguin self would’ve been scarred forlife.”

Blaine snorts. “I am never going to live that down am I?”

“Nope; I’m going to make sure it haunts you for the rest ofyour life.” He pauses when he realises what he has just said, the implicationsbehind it.

“I’d be okay with that.” Blaine’s voice has gone seriousagain, scratchy with honesty, and Kurt’s chest tightens and then feelsbeautifully light.

“In that case, we have a deal.” Kurt pauses, runs his freefingers over his arm. “I wish you were here right now.”

“Me too, then I could hug you.”

“A kiss might be nice.”

“Fine. Then I could hug andkiss you.”

They fall silent, listening to each other’s breathing, andit’s at least a minute before Blaine speaks again. “Kurt?”

“Mmm?”

“Can I tell you about the awesome party now?”

“Yes,” Kurt moves from the couch into his room so he canlean back against the pillows. “For a start I want to know how you managed tolook the perfect combination of dishevelled and put-together. Also, who tookthose pictures because they definitely got blurrier as the evening progressed?”

“Oh, that was Tina. Or maybe she gave it to Jake later on,I’m not sure.”

“Blaine Anderson, are you suffering from a classic case ofmorning-after memory loss?”

“Well, technically it’s now evening…”

“You little rebel!”

“Shut up!”

Kurt takes a breath, opening his mouth and preparing tosing—

“And don’t you dare use my own cheesy songs back at me!”

“Damn it. You’re doing the weird physic thing again.”

“What can I say? I’m sort of a Kurt Hummel guru.”

Kurt groans, but it turns into a laugh halfway through. Healmost feels too full of too many emotions; Blaine might not complete himanymore, but he still manages to top him up with feelings. He closes his eyes,lets the pillow cool his warm cheeks. “Yeah, you are. So tell me more aboutthis party. Were you climbing on furniture again?”