Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 196

Buck was staring at my ankle when I opened it, still trying to get the crutches working. I kept thinking that I would get better with them; I mean, they were just stupid sticks to help me move around the apartment, not f*****g rocket science, so why was I so bad at it!? "Andy...." He made a sigh when I just made a blank face, that sounded like he was wondering how it happened, at that suddenly he did feel guilty about telling me no when I had asked him to come and help me when Sophia was out with Tom, she was to be back soon, or Buck was going to hunt her down. He would, I knew that she was fierce, but he was a f*****g hammer when he wanted something, and she was still his kid.

"What?! I know how I look like Buck; just get inside...." I was too tired to start fighting, he walked inside, looking at me like he wanted to say more, but I didn't want to hear it, nope. He was just here to get the kids, and I wasn't going to listen to more shit about him being sorry for shit that we couldn't return from. He was my ex-husband now, no matter how much we loved one another.

"Kira is ready then?" He was looking around when I needed him. Oh yes, she had been since last night, told me a thousand times that she had packed everything she needed, all her dolls and three new dresses that Joseph had bought her.

"Yes, she is in the bathroom...." I was limping towards it, knowing that I should check her. She was so going to skip a step hearing that Buck was here like she couldn't wait to get out of there and go home.

Buck walked past me, picking up both the boys and grinning. He was so happy seeing them, and this time it was my time to feel bad, he did want to have them, and me living over here and him back in town, that was going to be a problem. I knew it. He didn't want to be a long-distance dad and didn't want to move here, he hated the city, and I didn't even know why?

"Look at my boys! I'm going to show you off to everyone; they will love you!" He made a chuckle when I was staring at him. Kira walked out when she saw Buck, going for a hug when I held her back, not wanting her to tackle Buck when he was holding Noah and Jamie; they were just as important as she was.

"Daddy!" she made an offended face when I had stopped her, and Buck lighted up seeing her, nodding to let her go when I sighed and shrugged, sure he could handle her way better than I did.

"Wow, hold up, princess, you can't just attack people; we talked about that, right?" Buck made a frown that she stared at like she had forgotten that. To my snort, yeah, she sure had, but that wasn't a problem for him. She had stopped the second he opened his stupid mouth.

"Look at me, I'm holding your brothers, and we don't want them to get hurt, right?" I sighed, seeing that Buck glared at me for one split second, showing me that he thought I had done a lousy job keeping her in check. Surprise... I wasn't a f*****g disciplinary figure, not with my baby; she and her brothers were my whole world, and I didn't want to yell all the time; it's not like I had my shit together anyway.

"Yeah... yeah, I'm sorry, Daddy, I won't do it again, please just don't leave me here..." Buck looked back at me again, hearing her say that, fuck. That hurt more than I had expected it to do; I know she didn't like living here in the city with me, but she was my baby, and I was going to cry all night when they left; it wasn't easy seeing all my children driving away with Buck, no matter how fair it was to them, it didn't feel good for me.

"I'm not leaving you, princess... never... I just can't be around all the time anymore since mommy and I aren't married anymore..." he stopped looking sad again, that stupid man like I wasn't standing here trying not to bawl my eyes out. Did he think this was any easier for me, seeing him wanting so bad for me to forgive him when I couldn't...

"Can't you just get married again, right, mommy?" Kira turned when I didn't know how to answer that, gulping before answering when Buck looked like he wanted to ask the same question, making me feel even worse. Why did he have to stand there looking like he just wanted us to forget all the shit that happened and go back home? He knew that was never going to happen.

"Oh... no... no.... Kira... it doesn't work like that.... I told you that we live here now, and daddy is back... home...." I gritted my teeth, saying the last part when Kira wasn't happy, she wasn't, and there was no way around that like I couldn't see that for miles. She wanted to go home and never come back here ever again.

"I thought you loved daddy!?" her face had changed; she wasn't this happy little girl that was so excited to be with Buck, her eyes went dark, and I swear to God that I was staring at Jonah when he was mad at me, which was always these days.

"I do! Kira, stop that! I was trying to get her to calm down when Buck made a big sigh, putting the boys down, already wanting to take over; well, he wasn't the boss of me! I could fucking handle her since she was clearly angry at me when she was screaming and going for the stuff that was on the small table. I had stuff I didn't need that all were being heaved down onto the floor, making Noah laugh and Jamie cry, perfect!

"Don't!" I was going after Kira when she started running to her room, slamming the door with Buck wanting to go after her and scolding her for acting out when this was nothing. She wasn't this perfect girl that he saw for the most part, no, she was really upset most of the time about what had happened, and he was fucking thick if he didn't get that.

"Andy, wait!" I ignored Buck, that was picking up Jamie, still crying when he wanted me, and I knew that was making it even harder for me. He didn't know Buck, not that good, and here I was about to send him away with a man that was supposed to be his safety, and still, he wasn't.

"Kira.... Hey.... Baby... please...." I was limping after her, opening the door and cursing when I was about to slip on one of the many things scattered over her small room. I frowned since I told her to clean up; that was one of the terms of leaving with Buck. "No! Go away! I hate you!" I stopped hearing that, and closing my eyes for a second, she did. She hated me, and there was no way around that. Fuck... this was so much easier when I didn't have to worry about having her and the boys to look after. My life had sucked, but at least I wasn't dragging anyone else down but myself....

"I know.... I know, baby... I... I know you hate me for not being married to daddy anymore... okay?" I tried to balance on the crutches, knowing if I sat my a*s down, I wouldn't get up again, and I sure as hell wasn't going to let Buck help me up again. "Good!" she was still under the covers, snarling at me like the sheer force of her voice would turn me into dust like she probably wished for right now.

"Kira... baby... please... I can't be with daddy anymore...." I didn't know what to tell her, this wasn't the first time this had happened, and she didn't understand. How could she? She wasn't that old, and sometimes.... Well, I was treating her like she was bigger, and I got that; ever since I got the twins, she was way older than I ever had imagined her to be before them...shit, I was such a bad mother.... God.... I just wanted her to be happy, like Noah and Jamie, and I couldn't fix anything, not with Buck or Jonah...

"Andrea.... Let me try..." I turned around seeing Buck standing in the doorway. He looked just like he did when I first met him, same shirt, jeans, and boots that were rugged, same as him even if he was still handsome, bright grey eyes that perked up when he looked at me, well... or used too I guess... now they only lighted up when he saw the kids....

"I just .... I don't know what to do.... Buck..... "I hated that I was sniffing, showing him that I was just as lost as Kira I was, and he knew that all of us were just struggling to get along, and him and me living so far apart wasn't helping; there was no way this would work out and still it had to.

"I know... same..." I was batting my eyes hearing that.... Meeting Buck's conflicted eyes, he was frowning and looking sad at the same time, so he really didn't know what to do either than... great.... Just perfect...

"Shit.... What the fuck are we going to do this, Bucky?" I had turned the whole way around, Kira still having her head under her covers when I was staring at Buck, making a slightly hurt look hearing me call him that, yeah that was stupid, too, He wasn't the best guy, and still I wanted him to be the same men I thought he was, that was the worst part, him showing me that he could just go cold on me and now he was all emotions trying to tackle this same as me.

"I don't know... I honestly don't know... I don't want to move here, Andy, I'm sorry, but I just don't... not with Mitch being in therapy and Sophia still living at home..." he was sorry, he really was, when I started to cry. Kira came out of the covers, she had been crying too, but now she was sad that I was, f**k.

"I know.... Don't you think I know that Buck!? Look at you, you fucking love living in that small town, you fucking redneck...." he made a small smirk hearing me call him that, Kira being confused when she had crawled up from the bed and staring at us like she thought we were crazy. She was right. None of us was fucking sane, not me and not Buck... fucking soldier and all that shit.... Fuck him...

"fucking prod redneck...." He was grinning when I snorted, still crying the slightest over what the hell we were doing. I still fucking loved him, that motherfucker.... Shit... I really wished things had been different, so bad...

"I can't move back... I can't see Sarah and Mitch... I just can't..." I know it was stupid, telling him like Kira wasn't in the room, but what was the use? She would probably listen to us anyway; it wasn't that big of a place I had. Buck looked guilty, shifting his big body against the doorframe. He knew and wasn't going to argue over it, and I was not coming back.

"Yeah, I know... to much city girl in you.... I have known all along.... I don't get how you like it here... it's all cold..." he made a turn around the room when I did smile; that made Kira happier, too, when she was still on the bed, watching Buck and me silent for once. "It's my home, cold or not...." I was still trying to wipe my eyes, balancing on the crutches, when Kira climbed out from the bed, hugging my leg hard like she was sorry, and so was I, sorry for f*****g up her life, along with her brothers.

"I know that we aren't married anymore and.... You live here, but you know I have your back, Andy. Nothing has changed about that part..." Buck was still staring at me when I did another sniffle, yeah sure.... He wanted to believe that, and he wanted to be the guy that everyone could trust, but I didn't not anymore.

"Sure, Buck..." I was drying my eyes when Kira was still holding me hostage, when I was stroking her long dark hair, hating everything around me.

"No, no, I'm serious... I mean it. I know I didn't.... handle it well when we...." He stopped seeing Kira, and I sighed. He meant when we had f****d, and I had freaked out on him, yeah, I wasn't handling shit either....

"Kira, could you look after your brothers? Just for a minute?" Buck was asking when I made a slight shake. No, please I didn't want more of him telling me he loved me and that we should try again, how bad Jonah was, and all that shit he had been spewing since we broke up.

"Okay...." Kira was walking past him when he smiled at her, making her own face light up and going with more pep in her step than before. He really was her hero, no matter what had happened.

"Alright.... listen, Buck... I don't want to hear it...." I saw him close the door, walk inside, and stand before me in the small bedroom, looking so sure suddenly, like he wasn't lost anymore. I wonder what that felt like...

"Andy, I'm serious. I know you hate me; I do... and I can't change that, just... I'm fucking sorry for what went down last time I was here... you really made me want to just go out and replace that bastard, kill him on the spot." I hadn't looked at him, avoiding as much eye contact as possible since he closed the door when I looked up again, seeing his serious face, so he really wanted to kill Jonah then. Well, I guess he wasn't the first to feel that way....

"You can't fix this, Buck, not with killing and not with... this...." I made a slight nod at him, standing too close for me to be sure he wasn't just trying to get inside my pants again, and I wouldn't stop him like the desperate bitch I was.

"I'm not trying to fix anything, Andy... just that If you need me, I swear to God, just call me, and I will come, and it doesn't matter what you want from me, I love you, and I want you to be happy, even if it can't be with me..." he took a deep breath when he stopped. I blinked, not knowing how to answer that. He was trying to make up between us, and I wanted to get along, too; it just wasn't easy.

"What... is that some kind of special deal only your ex-wives get?" I snorted again at his grin as he got it, mocking him for being so stupid and helping Sarah all the time, but he couldn't help it, just like he couldn't help wanting to be there for me, even if he couldn't. "Yeah... yeah, I guess so... it's an exclusive membership too..." he smirked to my laughter, feeling better. He wasn't yelling, and I wasn't crying; it was something.

"Okay, Buck.... Sure... If I need you to kill someone... I will call you...." he lost his smile when I was still laughing over the stupid thing. I didn't want to kill anyone, never again. I just wanted to live in peace with my babies and forget that I ever had been in the shit I had.

"Andrea, I'm serious. You call me anytime." My laugh got stuck when his eyes switched off again, making him look scarier than I had ever imagined him to be when I first saw him. He was so big. With no grin on his face or light in his eyes, he was terrifying. "Buck, no." I was shaking my head. No, I didn't want to think about it, having him on a call like some contract murderer at my beck and call, ordinary people didn't have one, and I didn't want to be having a life that involved more killing; I had seen death enough for a lifetime.

He was closer now, making me feel even worse when he took my hand and made me look at him with a small squeeze of his own big one like he could see that I didn't want to look at him when he wasn't himself, not the man that I had loved.

"Andrea, believe me.... In the world you are living in, you will need it... and ... I still love you more than you will understand... I just want to make sure that you know that I will never let you handle shit on your own and..." he stopped when I looked back up at him. he was sad again. He wasn't even looking at me, staring into the wall behind me like he was just as lost in his thoughts as I was.

"I wished that I could just go back to that second date and tell you everything, just suck it up and tell you instead of just staring at you like I couldn't believe how fucking lucky I had been to get paid to be with the woman I loved..." he was still staring at the wall when I made a hurt sound, I wished that too, I would have been so angry at him, but I could have forgiven him, I would.

"Bucky... please..." I was leaning against him, my head against his shoulder and breathing in and out, when he finally looked back at me, pulling me close like he couldn't resist it, and I didn't stop him. Holding me right now felt like I wasn't breaking apart, at least for a minute.

"Yeah, I know.... Shut the hell up... it doesn't change shit..." he was still holding me hard when I was sniffling, feeling him kiss my head. I did still love him; it was just different.

"Yeah.... That's right, you big lump...." I laughed again, even if it was hollow. He was a great man and still an asshole, and I had no idea how I would make it without him. He was a big part of why my life had been so good before it came crashing down. "Alright... I'm going to go now and.... Well, call when we get back. Kira is going to miss you so much..." he blinked like I couldn't see he had been crying, always trying to hide it from everyone.

"Yeah.... It's going to be hard... but... I want her to be happy, Buck, that is the one important thing, and I feel like shit having to send my boys away. However, you are their daddy, so..." I sighed heavily, still having Buck holding me steady; it was nice getting some support for my ankle and, well, life in general.

"It's two weeks, Andy, and I promise that I'm not going to do anything else, just spend time with them, and Sophia is going to be home too before school starts again..." Buck was rubbing my arms, making me feel a little less like a monster, the worst mother in the world, sending away my kids to live with him, even if it was just two weeks.

"Yeah... you are right... just... don't let Mitch be around them, please... I don't want that right now....." I was going to say Sarah, too but let's be honest, I couldn't stop that. Buck would be at his old house even if we still had ours. I still didn't know what to do about that. I guess Buck could buy me out.... Shit... I didn't want to think about that right now...

"Don't worry, I wouldn't do that, he is getting help, and he is just moved back into the house, so... yeah, I'm not going to be around there, no matter what Sarah says... Andrea, I told you, I'm not letting my kids down, no matter what..." he made a grin now that I believed in, yeah... he did believe that... was one of the parts I did love the most about him.

I took a deep breath, trying to fucking collect myself, when Buck made another smile and walked towards the door, having me follow along with my crutches; seeing Kira drawing on the floor with pens that I knew the twins were going to grab and do stuff with when she left them... damn kid...

"Okay, let's go, princess. Are we all ready?" Buck made a big grin when Kira got up, happy again like she had forgotten that she wanted to kill me just ten minutes ago for not wanting to go and re-marry Buck.

"Let me go down with you...." I was coming along when Buck was carrying both boys and all the bags strapped around him, not breaking a sweat for a second, making me want to laugh thinking about Joseph's complaining. He was out of shape compared to Buck and was at least twenty years older than him twenty-five.

Buck's truck was standing in the parking lot when Kira was already climbing inside to get into her seat, she wanted to sit up front, but Buck wouldn't let her, and Sophia was coming along. I was snuggling Noah and Jamie, knowing that I would hate myself so bad for doing this. Spend the whole night bawling my eyes out; this wasn't f*****g easy for them or me.

"Andy, we need to leave.... I'm sorry, Sophia just texted me and is waiting for us...." Buck was talking when I was crying again, holding Noah and Jamie's hands, wanting to tell Buck that I couldn't do this; they were so small. I felt like a monster again, making them live with Buck even if he was their father. They deserved to spend time with him, same as me.

"You be good Kira, listen to daddy and..." Buck made a smirk hearing that when I stopped. Oh yeah, that wasn't going to be a problem for him; that only applied to me.

"I love you so much...." I was kissing her hand, sitting in the truck, already had her tablet and ready to go, even if she did seem sad that I wasn't coming along.

"I love you too, mommy..." she smiled when I did one back. I know she did. f*****g loved me more than I ever would deserve.

Buck closed the door, making me whimper; I was not handling this well, seeing Kira, Noah, and Jamie leave me. This was worse than being locked up, starved, and all that had happened together, seeing my babies sitting in a truck that was taking them away. I moved over to Buck, about to tell him that if he didn't come back with them, I wouldn't care if he was a trained killer, I was coming for him, and he would be dead!

"Take it easy... nothing is going to happen. I'm not going to let Mitch be around them, I'm not going to spend time with Sarah more than I need, and Sophia is coming along, Andy... please just take a deep breath; it's going to be okay...." Buck had his big hand on my arm, giving me a reassuring smile that didn't make me feel better. Nothing did.

"Just.... Just be careful, Buck. I am fucking trusting you here. I don't care what happens; you keep them safe and..." I stopped when he moved his other hand to my second arm, looking at me like he got it when I shook the slightest. This was going to be the worst two weeks of my entire life.

"I won't let anything happen, Andy.... This isn't my first rodeo... alright?" He made another grin that made his eyes light up again, making him look like he did when I started to date him, yeah, he really was a great dad, not perfect, but he wouldn't let me down, not with this.

"Call me the second you are there. I'm serious, Buck! Don't fucking ignore my calls, or I'm going to hunt you down...." He snorted, hearing that like I wasn't that scary when he had no idea that I wouldn't stop for anything, not anything for my babies. "I will... promise..." He squeezed my arms, looking like he wanted to kiss me, but he didn't make me grateful. I didn't want him to.

I stared at him climbing inside and then at Kira, waving like she was thrilled when I was holding my hand over my mouth, trying to smile back, fuck was this really happening then? I thought I had made peace with this. Still, I sure didn't feel like that when Buck made a nod, gave me another reassuring smile, and started to back out, giving me cold hard fear seeing the truck start to drive away when he had turned out. I was standing there like I didn't know what to do anymore.