Honored (Book 2 of the In Search of Honor series)
Chapter 12: Wishes of the Dying (Part 5)

“What is our next stop?” I asked Dan as we walked in the direction of the mover we had come from.

“Next is delivering you to the City. Daniel took control of the City, and his men are mostly keeping order, but everything's a bit in disarray since the explosions and the loss of the central government. Right now order is basically don’t steal or murder, but even that is more a semblance of order. Daniel and his troops refused to do more until the Wall either sent him your dead body for burial or you rolled back out.” As he finished his report, a section of the Wall slid open revealing the mover again.

I had agreed to let Daniel do whatever he wanted after I died. I’d given him a fair amount of additional explosives. As Daniel strapped me into the mover I asked, “Were there other explosions than the castle?”

He stopped for a second and gave me a funny look before finishing the straps. “There were a couple after it. Did you not plan those?”

I turned my head away from him so I couldn’t see his face silently calculating out how bad of a leader I was, “No. After I thought you were dead I didn’t care anymore. I planned out what I thought was needed for the castle and gave Daniel the rest.”

“You planned to die. Like your sister.” His even voice that held no judgement hit my guilt for my own actions hard.

I couldn’t deny his acquisitions. I said nothing as the mover took off toward delivering me to the city I had abandoned.

“I cannot blame you.” His voice was like a bullet into my guilt.

“You,” I turned toward him, and I could see his ever calm eyes watching me, “don’t blame me?”

His eyes were fastened onto my own, and I noticed strange light lines on the black of his pupil, but before I could say anything his words sliced my thoughts, “I would not be able to go on without you. You are my purpose.”

“Purpose. How can you not feel, and yet you say things such as I am your purpose. What will you do when I die?” I reached out my hand toward him, wanting to touch him, but stopped and let my hand fall.

“It is simple. I am alive to protect you. If you die I have no purpose anymore. I will stay by your side until the living parts in me die and I am nothing more but a pile of useless mechanical, computer, and decomposing organics.” He blinked, and his words felt so human even in their deadpan presentation that I felt like I could hear the old Dan mixed in with his perfect annunciation and fancy vocabulary.

I couldn’t die. Not while this man was next to me. Once I finished fixing the city, I knew what my choice was. If Casia was right and all humans were selfish, and my selfishness was my desire to live at all costs, then maybe I could be a little selfish and selfless, and live for Dan.

I reached back out and gripped his hand as the mover stopped and the door opened. He didn’t move, staring at my grip. “Dan, I promise you I will do all in my power to survive now that I know you are alive.”

He looked up at me again, “I know you wouldn’t desert me on purpose.”

I held his hand, staring into his unnervingly evenly blinking eyes until I realized that he probably wasn’t moving because I was holding his hand. My face heated up, and I dropped his hand. He immediately started unbuckling me from the mover.

Once he finished unbuckling me he stood and walked out of the mover with my chair following along behind. His even stride quickly led to a dead end in the hallway that he stopped at. He stood there, staring at the wall, and then turned toward me. “The elders put a check on this door. I am requested to ask you if you are ready to face the city.”

“What do you mean by ‘face the city’?”

He stood there for a couple seconds staring at me, and then answered, “From here we will go into a preparation room where you will be dressed to look nice. After that, we will go to the large entry hall you have entered and left through before. The grand door will open and we enter the city and meet Daniel. You will be expected to give a speech there to the people of the city about what type of government will be instated. After that we will head to the center of the city where a table has been set up near the rubble of the castle. Here you will start working to build the new government.”

That was a lot to do in one day! Was there a way to shorten the day? I looked down at the simple long gray dress I was in. It probably wasn’t the best look for a revolutionary leader, but the leather armor I had worn previously wasn’t really right for a woman sitting in a wheelchair who had lost all of the soldiers under her command. “I- I’m not sure I will be able to handle all of that in one day.”

“Do you think you can make it through entering the city?” He asked.

That should be something I could handle, “Yes.” Though it would depend on when the pain settled in. For now whatever they had given me was keeping away whatever pain I might be feeling. I did have to think up a small speech quickly. Something something democracy and letting the people choose their leaders?

“Then are we good to continue with the understanding that you will rest after entering the city?” His words broke through my attempts to think about what I would say.

“I guess,” I wasn’t really ready, but when would I ever be ready? The Wall had me study governments before doing this, and I’d thought about the grand scheme of what the government should be, but now it seemed they were going to put me in charge of everything about creating the government. Hopefully this wasn’t actually the case, because I didn’t feel qualified to be the final voice on the details of implementation of my ideas. I was more of a grand picture person, and I didn’t have any real world experience on running any sort of government. Heck Casia with her negative view of people had more experience in actual government.

The wall in front of us slid open revealing a blindingly colorful bedroom. The walls were a shade of pink that seemed to glow with large blotchy purple letters that read “Cat” near the bed. The floor was painted red with red light along the where the wall met the floor giving the pink walls a bloody glow. The bed itself was the most muted part of the room with it’s tame medium toned blue, though it did look like the comforter had lights making it glow.

“You’re here!” A chipper voice I recognized well came from behind a door.

The wall repair person peaked her now light green topped head out from behind the door. Her smile seemed brighter than the light shining down from the ceiling. “I’m so glad you survived! I begged to be your stylist for this, and they gave it to me. I have a really neat idea for how to make you look like a rebel battle queen!”

“I don’t plan on being a queen.” I told her, and noticed Dan wasn’t at my side. He was back near the entrance of the room. He gave a wave to me, and then the door to the room slid shut.

“Don’t worry, he will be back.” Cat giggled. “I’m so glad you two got back together! I wanted to tell you he was alive before you went to the castle, but I was ordered not to let that slip.”

“You knew?” I couldn’t believe this girl hadn’t let that slip. She seemed to be all about slip ups.

“Uh, sort of.” She ducked behind the door and I could hear shuffling from whatever she was doing.

“What do you mean ‘sort of’?” I called to her, trying to make my voice carry beyond her door.

“I just knew he was alive and in the care of the Wall. Nothing more really. I mean, you knew he was in the Wall too.” Her voice strained to get to me through the partially open door.

She popped back out holding a dark purple dress that made me think of the dress my sister was wearing. “What about this?”

“No.” I would not wear a dress similar to my sisters’. I couldn’t.

“Hmm,” she slipped back into wherever she was going for clothes. A moment later she was back with a dark blue dress that had pinpoints of lights like stars in the night sky on it.

“What about this one?”

“Yes. It reminds me of the night sky.” I wished I could move closer to it. That I could be back outside the Wall staring up at the night sky.

“You’ve got a good eye. The fabric was designed by one of our astronomers.” She proudly said as came closer with the shimmery fabric.

I had no idea what an astronomer was, but their design skills for fabric seemed quite impressive. She laid the dress on the bed and then slipped back into the room she had come out of. “The dress is the underlayer. I still want to remind people of your Exile roots, so I had your old Exile leather repaired.”

I didn’t want to put back on the full leather outfit. It would be a pain to get the leather pants on especially, and how did those work with an underlayer dress? “Uhh-” I started.

“Don’t worry. It’s not the full Exile leather this time. I had it modified. Well, I had planned more of it being used, but I hadn’t planned on you being paralyzed when I designed it.” Her voice carried past the pink door to my sore eyes. As long as whatever she’d done to my exile leathers wasn’t as gaudy as this room it should be fine.

“So you live in this room?” I asked as she came back out with a pile of stuff.

She looked around it as she walked over, as if noticing the crazy color scheme for the first time. “Not really anymore. I mostly stay with Von and store clothes here.” She looked at the purple writing and smiled with a little giggle, “This room was the creation of my rebellious teenage years. Everything about the Wall is all conform and be drab. I hated it, so I went wild.”

Wild was one way to put this atrocity of a color scheme. She held up one piece of the exile leather, and I realized the old leather was cut to look like a Most Honored’s corset now. She placed it on the floor and held up another thing that looked like strips of leather hanging off a long piece of leather that had small metal plates on it. “I had this skirt belt created from the pants when I realized you were paralyzed and wouldn’t be wearing them again.”

She set the belt thing down and held up two large metal curved things, “Pauldrons for the shoulders, and,” she placed them on the ground and pulled out two long metal things that I recognized.

“And bracers for the arms?” I asked, remembering the word for them.

“You’ve seen these before! I guess that would be true. You were wearing them when we first went to the Undesirable area.”

She stared at me saying nothing long enough to make me feel uncomfortable. “Is something wrong?” I asked.

“Yes, I was just thinking about how to actually get you dressed. I hadn’t really thought about you being in the wheelchair when I asked your cyberman to leave.”

Others had called him a cyborg, and now she called him a cyberman like Lok called himself. “Why do some people call what he’s become a cyborg and some call him a cyberman?” I asked her, stopping her movement.

She looked at the door we entered through, and then at me, “Some people in the Wall say that when a certain amount of a person is machine and not natural, they no longer count as a person and have lost their rights. Those people use the old term “cyborg” to define a person who has become part machine. Others of us think that there is more to them than their machine parts, and that they are still people. We call them cyber men and women. Even the cyber people have taken sides in the debate and use different terms to define their existence. Unfortunately, the elders see them as machines they can order around, so all new cyber people are force fed that they are no more than machines to serve a purpose.”

“Oh,” I thought of how Dan was referring to himself as a cyborg. He was definitely more than just some machine that served a purpose.

“Back to getting you dressed, are you comfortable having him help you? I’m assuming he will be helping you with most things in the future.”

Heat rose in my cheeks. I knew he would probably view it as ‘part of why he existed’ or something, but the thought of him constantly needing to help the weak useless person I’d become was frustrating. If I laid on the bed, I might be able to pull the dress over my head, and then shimmy the length of it down my legs. And this light weight white bag-like dress garment thing I was currently wearing seemed relatively easy to get off. The hardest part would be getting myself onto the bed, and doing up the straps and laces of the armor which would have been difficult even before losing feeling and mobility in my legs.

Or I could let go of my dignity and worry about strengthening myself so I could get back my independence in the future and rely on Dan’s help for now. I took a deep breath and forced the words out, “It would be easiest for Dan to assist me.”

“Ok.” She held up her hand and pressed something on it. The door slid open, and there was Dan patiently standing just outside the door. “We could use your help.” She told him with a smile and wave.

“What do you require my assistance for?” He asked as he walked into the room.

“Getting the battle queen dressed!” She waved her hands in my direction, “I’m too weak,” she giggled at this as if it was some inside joke, “and our queen isn’t used to her new state yet.”

I sighed at her choice of words, “I’m not a queen, and I won’t be one. I’m not going to take over ruling the city.”

She smiled cheerily and slapped her hand over her heart dramatically, “Ahh, but you are the queen of our hearts!”

“What did I - Ack!” Dan lifted me out of the chair. I could feel his one metal arm behind my back gripping my shoulder, but I could only see the other arm supporting my lumps of flesh called legs.

“May I place her on the bed? It will be easiest.” His words carried that logical emotionless weight that made them seem like the only option. That and the fact that he had already picked me up even before asking.

Cat was staring at him with her wide eyes and her mouth slightly agape. “Uh, sure.”

She stood there as Dan carried me over to the bed.

“Where are the clothes she will be wearing?” Dan asked as he gently laid me down on the bed.

I felt so useless and humiliated needing help changing. It was more humiliating than anything the guards had done when I was Dishonored. As Dan talked with Cat about the outfit she had planned, I focused on getting myself undressed. I should be able to at least do that. I reached behind myself and found ties holding my thin shift of a garment together. I quickly started untying the top one near my neck. The more I had untied the better.

Dan came back over with the pile of clothes and armor right as I was trying to reach the second tie. He dropped the pile of stuff on the bed and walked over, reaching out and easily untying the tie I was trying to reach. He silently got the third tie as I sat there useless.

I felt the garment was loose enough to pull off, so I quickly tugged at it to get it off myself. The garment easily pulled off the front, something clearly designed for an invalid. Dan let me pull it off myself, and took it from me once I got it off. He wordlessly handed me the light specked gown, and I felt a swell of a calming warmth fill me. He was here to help, not to do everything for me. I took the dress and pulled it over my head, pulling it down to wear I couldn’t anymore. He lifted me up by the waist, and I pulled the skirt down over my dangling legs.

I looked over at Cat, and I could see she was staring at us with her mouth slightly open again. “Trying to catch flies?” I used the village expression.

Her mouth closed and she looked visibly confused.

“It is an expression from my village to both tell a person their mouth is hanging open and to ask them why they are shocked.” Dan answered her wordless question.

She blinked and laughed, “I guess I must have looked a little shocked. You two are just so in sync! It’s adorable!”

We were in sync and adorable?

I looked over at Dan, whose eyes met mine, and then he looked back over at Cat. “I know her well. The algorithms in my brain allow me to process all past knowledge and create an advanced understanding of what she wants in certain situations.”

I looked down at my feet stretched out on the bed. He made it all sound so emotionless and calculating. I liked Cat’s interpretation better.

“Don’t let their programming convince you that you aren’t the one understanding Liv. For all your fancy words it’s your understanding that has you able to work in perfect sync with Liv without saying a word!” Cat’s voice was uncharacteristically loud and angry.

She turned her scowl toward me, “And Liv! Don’t you let him think that way either! There is programming in those chips that tells cyber people they are not human, and you have to fight it.” She turned her glare on Dan again, “The only way to rewrite the nonsense is to have the human part of your brain rewire the chips so that you are in charge and they serve you! Don’t let the Wall win!”

Dan stared at her until she finished her tirade and then calmly asked, “Are you not part of the Wall community you bash?”

She looked down, and her ghostly cheeks turned red, “I am. There’s not much choice. But if I could, I would turn this way of life upside down!” Her eyes lifted filled with anger and her fists clenched, but then they unclenched and she looked back down, “It’s why I’m in the repair division. Uncouth ideas and all.”

“That is what happens to all dissenters,” Dan replied to this strange bust of emotion.

She nodded with her eyes still downcast. When she looked back up, a forced smile turned up the sides of her mouth, “You have a long day today. We should finish getting you ready for your showing!”

Dan grabbed the leather corset, and pulled it around my waist. As Dan laced up the corset, Cat grabbed a bracer and my arm. The two of them quickly finished doing up the armor pieces and no one spoke. With the belt of leather strips on, Dan picked me up and carried me back to the chair.

Cat walked back to the room she’d grabbed the clothes from, and then came back carrying a long mirror. “Dan, can you hold up the mirror while I do her hair up?”

He held it up, and I saw a strange reflection. A gaunt face with dark circles lining the blue eyes. A pale E stretched across cheekbones. The dress and armor was perched on my thin frame like a pretender. I didn’t look at all like what Cat wanted, but she seemed to think differently as she combed out my shoulder length hair and pulled pieces of it back behind my head. Pulling it back only further accentuated the sharp planes of my face.

“You look so fierce!” Cat seemed proud of her work, and I forced myself to give her a smile.

In the mirror it looked sickly and shaky. A dying woman stretching her chapped lips into a smile. I looked like a puppet propped up as a leader. I didn’t look like someone anyone would want to follow, but I kept those words to myself.

“Thanks,” I said, forcing myself to look away from the mirror. “I look quite…” I wanted to say frightful, but I couldn’t finish the sentence.

Cat just smiled happily and took the mirror from Dan, “Go wow that crowd!” She called out while carrying the mirror to her hidden room.

“Thanks, and goodbye!”

“Bye! See you later!” were her parting words as the chair followed Dan out of the room.

The door closed behind us and Dan stopped, “You don’t like it do you?”

“I don’t think anything you put on me would make me look decent right now,” I told him, fiddling with a strip of leather hanging from the belt.

He looked down at me, his eyes analyzing me. “I don’t think so. I think you look like a fighter. A woman who’s been through hell, and is back to bring hope.”

His kind words ran like raindrops on a window over the mirror image in my mind. They blurred it, and what was left was a sea of blue with little lights shining brightly through it to light the way.