Losers: Part II
: Chapter 13

The morning air was crisp and fresh as I stepped off the porch. I stretched my arms, my back, and then my legs, savoring the ache of my muscles releasing their tension.

That orgasm had left my head feeling fuzzy, and I bounced on my toes as I tried to wake myself up. This was why I usually reserved playtime for after a workout, otherwise I was too lazy to function. But I could make it work.

“Are you sure you want to come with me?” I said as Lucas put in his earbuds and scrolled through his phone, deciding on what to listen to. I’d listen to music if I was in the gym, but out here, I wanted the sounds of the forest around me. “It’s not exactly going to be a light jog.”

Lucas rolled his eyes. “I’m not afraid of a little exercise.”

“I dunno, man. You were huffing and puffing from playing paintball with Jess.”

He made a dismissive sound. “Whatever. Just lead the way, I’ll keep up.”

Lucas had always hated running. It was weird, because he struck me as the kind of man that would benefit from using exercise as an outlet. Personally, working out helped me feel calm. I could zone out to a physically demanding session and let my brain wander. It gave me a good opportunity to think.

And that morning, I had a lot on my mind.

Ever since that first night, when Jess had whispered her apology to me under the stars, I hadn’t been able to put it out of my mind. The way she’d looked at me, how full of hope and fear her eyes had been — I’d never expected to see that kind of sincerity from her.

It had been obvious she was making an effort to change, of course. The last few weeks had proven that much. But Jess was a prideful person, and I’d never thought she would put that aside for the sake of making amends.

She’d surprised me. My feelings for her had already been in a confusing place; hovering on the edge of something that felt too serious, yet not serious enough. But after that conversation, something had changed.

How I felt had changed.

Like a door that had previously been locked tight was suddenly cracked open.

Falling into a rhythm as I ran, I let my thoughts run idly. Lucas was keeping pace with me, running behind me as we wound along the path through the trees. There were miles of hiking trails around the cabin, and I didn’t have any particular destination in mind. I kept going until my legs began to ache, and I finally had to stop to catch my breath.

Only once I’d stopped and stood there for several seconds did I realize Lucas had fallen behind. It only took him about thirty seconds to catch up, but it took every shred of my self-control not to laugh. He doubled over, hands on his knees as he panted.

“Don’t you fucking laugh,” he snapped, and I shrugged innocently.

“I didn’t say a word. Don’t die on me now. I don’t want to have to carry your ass back.”

“Oh, shut up.”

We walked on, taking our time so he could catch his breath. The path carried us along a sheer rock face for the next hundred yards before curving back down the mountainside, but I didn’t feel like returning yet. We’d been running on an incline — no wonder Lucas was having such a hard time.

Plant life was growing out of massive cracks in the rock face, and water was trickling down the smooth stone in a thin, cascading fall. Partially hidden amid the thick plant life was the narrow opening of a cavern in the rock, carved out by centuries of flowing water.

“Did you know there were caves up here?” Lucas said, nodding toward the opening. It wasn’t much of a cave really. The space within was lit by a shaft of sunlight falling through the rocks above, creating a space that was damp and cool but full of life. Tiny frogs sat on algae-covered stones near the flowing water.

“You’ve been here before, don’t you remember?” I said, but he shook his head.

“I was wasted as hell the last time we were up here, J.” He gave me an accusatory look, and I laughed.

“Just because it was my twenty-first birthday doesn’t mean it was my fault you drank too much,” I said. “I can’t help it that I have a high tolerance, or that you’re so damn competitive you had to try to keep up with me.”

He snorted as he brushed past me to enter the cavern, and I followed him. Smooth pebbles crunched under our shoes as we wandered around. There was a large boulder in the middle of the cave, sitting directly under the shaft of sunlight spilling in from overhead. I climbed on top of it and sat with my legs dangling off the side as the sun warmed my face.

Lucas wandered over to where the water was trickling down and stripped off his shirt. He let the stream pool in his hand and then splashed it over his shoulders, trickles running down his back.

It was hard not to stare. For a guy who didn’t give a fuck about self-care of any kind, his physique was ridiculous. When I’d first met him, he’d intimidated me so much I could barely manage to say a word to him. Back then, I hadn’t been sure if I wanted to be him or fuck him.

I still wasn’t sure. And he still intimidated me, as much as I hated to admit it.

I’d really been lacking in role models when I’d met him. The men I’d once looked up to — my father, uncle, leaders in my family’s church — had all turned their backs on me. But Lucas had been everything I wished I was. He was bold, he didn’t seem to care what people thought. He wasn’t trying to please anyone. He was living his life the way he wanted it.

At least, that was how I’d thought of it back then.

It had taken me a while to see past Lucas’s bravado, but once I did, it was clear how much he struggled. His assertion that he didn’t care what anyone thought was a lie. He wasn’t bold so much as he lacked the self-control to manage his anger, so it spilled out of him constantly.

I still looked up to him, but it was for different reasons than before. He was admirable because despite all his flaws, despite how hard it was for him to maintain relationships and care about other people, he still tried.

“What’s on your mind?” he drawled, snapping me out of my daydreams.

“Besides your strip tease?” I said. He rolled his eyes at my remark, slinging his shirt over his shoulder “What makes you think I have something on my mind?”

“You’re brooding.” He shook the water off his hand and strolled toward me. “Staring off into the sky all twitterpated-like. What are you thinking about?”

I leaned back on my hands, kicking my feet against the stone beneath me. “Her.”

He nodded as he fished around in his pocket for his cigarettes. But he must have forgotten them, because he sighed heavily and began to fidget with the thin silver chain around his neck instead. “You’re not alone there. It’s been hard to think about much else.”

Bringing a new lover into the group was bound to shake things up. But this was different, and I think we all felt it. Despite our relationship with Jess having a time limit on it from the start, it didn’t feel that way anymore.

She had me thinking far further into the future than merely how long it would take Manson and Lucas to get her engine installed.

“She apologized,” I said. Lucas’s eyes widened, then swiftly narrowed.

His tone was cautious as he said, “For what?”

“Everything.”

She’d meant it, too. That was why I kept replaying that conversation in my head again and again. I wanted to give her a chance. I wanted this to work.

Lucas rested his palms against the stone on either side of me. His dark eyes looked more like caramel when the light hit them. It made them softer. Warmer.

“How did that make you feel?” he said.

“We’re talking about feelings?” I said. “Really? Have you been taking notes from Manson’s therapist?”

He hopped up on the boulder to sit beside me, giving my shoulder a shove as he scolded, “Watch your mouth. Vincent isn’t out here to save you.”

“As if I need saving.”

The look we exchanged shouldn’t have felt so damn intense. But Lucas was intense without even trying.

“It made me feel…hopeful,” I finally said, after mulling it over. “Like things are brighter. Like something has gone right.”

We sat in silence for a while. Lucas had struggled with Jess getting involved, but I couldn’t blame him. What had shocked me wasn’t that he’d been hesitant about it; it was that he’d tried so hard not to fight it too much. He could have put his foot down if he really wanted to.

“I think she’s really trying,” I said. He was plucking at a loose thread on his jeans and his fingers stilled at my words. “I think…I don’t know, I think she wants to stick around.”

“Yeah?” His fingers tightened. His nails pressed hard into the denim for a moment before they relaxed again. “I guess you’re right. She’s changed…still trying to change too, I think.” He took a deep breath, releasing it with a sigh. “It isn’t easy to rewire your own brain.”

“Takes a lot of effort,” I said. “But I managed it. I think she can too.”

“You’re different.”

“Not really. You hated my guts when you first met me. You should have seen me during freshman year, when I was still enrolled at that private school.” I shook my head. “I was Mr. Morality Police.”

“I should have met you back then,” he said. “I would have punched you in the damn mouth and set you straight.” He snickered. “Straight probably isn’t the descriptor I should use.”

Another few moments of silence passed. Faintly, I could still hear music playing from Lucas’s phone; it sounded like Hozier, and it melded into the sounds of the trickling water and rustling leaves.

Then, he said, “I’m proud of you, Jason.”

Hurriedly reaching over, I laid the back of my hand against his forehead. “Are you sick? You must have a fever.”

He swatted my hand away, laughing at my teasing. “I’m serious! You better fucking appreciate how nice I’m being, because it ain’t natural for me. I’m going to have to start a fight with someone to balance this shit out.”

Lucas had a hard time being nice, but I had an even harder time accepting that niceness. I probably would have wept if he hadn’t been looking at me.

“I appreciate that,” I said, clearing my throat so hard that I coughed. “Thanks. I…it’s, uh…thank you.”

Lucas shook his head. “You’re even worse at accepting a compliment than I am. Jesus Christ, just accept it in silence.”

So that was what I did, although I wasn’t able to keep myself from smiling like an awkward fool.

“You didn’t think I had it in me,” I said. “Back when we met. You thought I’d bail on the group.”

“Would’ve been smart if you did,” he said simply. “I knew you had it in you, J. I wasn’t underestimating you. I didn’t want you to need to have it in you. That make sense?”

He’d never put it like that before. I moved a little closer, so we were seated with our arms touching. “That makes sense.” Then, after another long pause, I said, “I love you. Don’t forget that.”

“I love you too, you little shit.”