Lost in the Deep Blue Sea
07.

Cora waved her fin in the water, looking more irritated than ever. “You said you didn’t like him.”

“I don’t. We aren’t together. That was just a silly kiss. I promise you that I wouldn’t lie and I didn’t. He kissed me and it was over and then we forgot it happened.” I defended myself because it was the truth. I didn’t need to be afraid, right?

Cora sighed. “You better not lie to me. It would be messed up to kiss a boy after saying you could get me to charm him.”

“I know.” I smiled at her. I didn’t know how else to explain to her that I wanted to kiss him again and again but she wouldn’t take that well. I had to keep it to myself.

Viviane came over and smiled with a glint of mischief in her eyes. “Hello, ladies.” She put her arm around my shimmery blue shoulders and looked up at Cora.

Cora was sitting on the ledge attached to the wall of the cave that hung a few inches above the sea. Her tail fin continued to flap back and forth in the water as her irritation couldn’t falter in Viviane’s presence.

I looked at the arm that dangled around my shoulders.

Cora sighed, not afraid to show Viviane her true feelings towards her. “What is it that you want?”

“I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. Raina kissed a boy?” She looked at me and pulled my gaze from her arm and to her face.

“As I told Cora, it was meaningless. Why is this such a big deal to you?” I asked.

She shrugged. “It is a big deal because I need to know if our queen is trying to screw us over.”

“Viviane,” I warned. “I am not screwing anyone over. I told you it meant nothing. I am sticking to my argument because it’s the truth. I need you to know I am not out to hurt any of you or screw over any mermaids. The kiss meant nothing.” That was far from the truth.

Viviane rolled her eyes but smiled anyway. “Right, because you wouldn’t lie. You’re perfect.”

I wanted to take another route this time. The one I had been taking wasn’t working for some reason. “And what if I had kissed him? What if I liked it and wanted more?” That was the truth.

Viviane turned to me as she pulled her arm back from my shoulders. “If that’s true, then something will need to be done. There is nothing that is more important about kissing a boy than running your own society. We must come first.”

I mumbled to myself, “You guys don’t even like me as your queen.” I spoke up, “but what exactly would you be able to do?”

She looked at Cora. I wondered if the two were secretly communicating. “Well, it is a mermaid law that if the queen goes against the law of her people, the queen must be shunned and banished from society. We could easily banish you and you would never be able to come back.”

“Why are you against love?”

“Why are you not against love?”

“There’s no reason for me to personally be against something I have never been a part of or don’t really understand. It’s like judging someone’s appearance without knowing their personality.” I subtly tried to argue against everything the mermaids believed.

Viviane narrowed her eyes at me and came closer. “Raina, you are nothing without the people who hold you up and you know that. You need to realize that we are all you have.”

“Viviane, with all due respect, you mermaids judge me. You have always judged me and I don’t understand why. I never hurt anybody here. I have never been a bad queen or mermaid. I just focus on my own thing.” I tried to keep myself calm, but it wasn’t making me feel any better. I never liked fights or confrontation.

“Exactly. You were never fit to be a mermaid queen. You are not one of us. You do not support us.” She scoffed.

“You never supported me. I can’t support the people who hurt me. I want love because I can’t even get it from my own kind. This is why I’ve always wanted love. You judge me for the way I look.” I wiped a tear.

She laughed with humor in her voice. “You are already crying. You are so weak. We were only trying to teach you how to be strong and have thick skin. You can’t do that because you’re not strong. You’re not a queen. You’re just afraid.”

“A queen can only be as strong as the way she was raised. I wasn’t raised with love or strength. I was raised to think I was ugly and worthless because of you. It makes me feel so small.” I looked at my own reflection.

Cora was still sitting on the ledge as she watched us. She couldn’t even come to my defense.

“I may be different from everyone but I have just as many feelings. I’m just as much of a person as the rest of you.” I wiped more tears.

Viviane sighed. “You’re trying to kiss a boy and rub it in our face. That’s hardly fair to us. You think you deserve love and we don’t? Tough luck. We deserve love just as much. If we can’t have it, neither can you.”

I swam under the water quickly, thankful nobody would chase me. If they tried, they would never match my speed.

I swam through the tunnel and swam to the beach. Mr. Pan was nowhere in sight. I laid my face against a rock and let all of my pain pour in the form of liquid. I couldn’t hold in how I felt anymore. It always hurt.

I wanted to feel like I wasn’t alone in this but I knew I was. Cora couldn’t defend me or have my back. The mermaids hated me. I had myself but I wasn’t even very good at defending myself. Words hurt. I was too emotional to be able to defend myself without crying. It never looked good in my defense to cry.

I wanted someone to care. I wanted to love and be loved. I just wanted to have something worth living for but I had yet to replace it. I was nothing without my position in the mermaid world and I was on the verge of losing that. I was never the best at being a queen but I wanted to change.

I sobbed until I had no more tears to let go. I held onto the rock that kept me company. I had nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. I just wanted to feel like I mattered to someone. I didn’t like feeling this way.

I coughed a bit, feeling the lump that formed within my throat. I swallowed it and closed my eyes, listening solely to the sound of the sea. It was the one thing that could soothe my sorrow. It never made me feel so much like I never belonged. The sea always welcomed me and I could never leave the sea for that reason alone.

I let my dark hair cover my face against the rock. I didn’t want a bit of my face to show to anyone who could see. I wanted to pity myself in silence. I had to learn how to defend myself or I needed to replace a reason to keep living.

I was the only support I had.

I slipped into a calm and relaxing dream, one that took me away from this cruel world.

I felt a finger push hair from my face and behind my ear. I opened my eyes to reveal the person to be Cora. She smiled a bit. “I see you’re awake now.”

I let go of the rock I still held onto like a pillow. “Why are you here?”

“Am I not allowed to see my best friend?” She frowned.

“I wasn’t aware we were best friends. Friends should stick up for each other, right? That’s how it works in the human world.” I didn’t dare give her an apologetic smile.

“Why are you so driven to become more human when you have a small bit of their DNA? What does humanity have to offer you that we don’t?” She crossed her arms.

“Love. Hope. Friendship. A reason to live. I want what I can’t have. I don’t have enough human in me and I want to. I want to be normal like everyone else. I’m always judged for the way I look or sound. I look this way because I’m more fish than human. I sound like a dying shark because I’m more aquatic than land. Wanting these things is the only way I know how to relate to the people who refuse to accept me as I am. I’m different. I want things that a normal mermaid wouldn’t want because I’m not normal. I want to truly live.”

“You are living. Your heart is beating.” She gestured to my chest.

“I’m not. I feel dead inside. I feel like I mean nothing to anyone. Viviane is looking to get me banished. I am alive physically but emotionally and mentally, I feel dead. I have needs, too. Those are not being met.” I pushed the rest of the hair from my face.

Cora didn’t know what to say to that.

“Say what you want to say. It can’t be any worse than how I already feel.”

“You really want this love thing? Is it because of Peter Pan?” she asked.

“I’ve wanted it before but he helped me realize how much I did. He told me it was okay to accept it. I wanted to embrace who I am. I want to love a boy and kiss him. I want to go on a date and stay up all night. I want to have that. I don’t know if I can but I still want it either way.” I shrugged.

“Why can’t you have it?”

“Mr. Pan isn’t into me and he doesn’t want love. Humans don’t normally want love with us. They are here to fulfill one thing and that doesn’t involve loving us. We are different. Who wants to be with a mermaid forever? We have tails. Men want normal babies.”

“But we can walk on land. We just happen to live in the sea.”

I shook my head. “We can live in the sea and we can live on land. Men still want human wives. They don’t accept mermaids as wives. They don’t accept me.” I looked down.

Cora grabbed my face and pulled it to look at her. “Stop. You are as beautiful as you see yourself. If you are confident in yourself, men notice. They will love you more. You look different but you are beautiful, too.”

“My skin is blue. My forehead and shoulders are blue. They shimmer. My eyes are big. I have a fin. I have black and pointy fingers. My voice is not soothing or nice to listen to.” I sighed.

“That only depends on who you ask. Some people might like your voice. Everyone is different. Your eyes are bigger but so what? That’s just a better view to admire the beautiful blue pigment they show off. Your skin is beautiful. I wish my skin had that iridescent shine to it. It’s unique. It sets you apart. Your fingers are still fingers. They may be black but who cares? Black is a color, too. They’re just a different color is all. Your tail is absolutely gorgeous. It makes you who you are. It is DNA unique to you. Nobody else will ever look exactly like you and that makes you special. It is possible for a man to love you and the way you look.” She let go of my face.

I looked at the water. Mr. Pan had told me that my tail was beautiful. He liked music and he was a king, too. If only he would feel the same way but he wouldn’t. He did not want me in the way I wanted him. I craved for romance and I didn’t understand why I wanted something I wasn’t supposed to have. I guess I really did want what I couldn’t attain.