Lost in the Deep Blue Sea
08.

I felt the presence linger behind me and slightly turned my head that direction. “Hello.”

“Hello,” he said.

I turned my gaze back to the water. The waves rolled in as they usually did. The sun was going down as the warm array of colors lit up the sky. It made for a very peaceful mood on this fateful night.

I kept my arms wrapped around my tail as I bent it like humans bent their knees.

Mr. Pan took a spot next to me. “Anything new to tell me?”

“My people want to banish me because they know we kissed.”

“Why are they so against romance?”

“They feel it’s unfair that I get to have love and they don’t. They don’t think I’m trying to allow for all of us to love. I have never been out for revenge even if they did judge me. I just want everyone to have a happy ending.”

“Ah, so they just don’t want you to be happy if they aren’t.” Mr. Pan nodded his head. He pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them.

“They don’t. Why did you kiss me? I want a real answer this time. Was it out of pity?” I looked at him.

He was already staring at me. “I didn’t kiss you out of pity. I kissed you because I wanted to see what it was like. I’ve never met a mermaid and you’re just nice to me. I think it’s nice of you to try and fight for their right to love despite all the hatred they’ve shown you. You’re so different. I wanted to kiss you.”

“But you don’t like romance.”

“I don’t. There are people who change their minds. Some people say they never wanna love until someone comes along. Some don’t want to get married until another person changes that. Some people don’t want children until they have children. I didn’t like romance until I met someone who could give me the romance I thought I didn’t want. Sometimes we don’t always know what we want until it comes to us,” Mr. Pan explained.

“So you do or you don’t want romance?” I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

“Both. I don’t want romance in general but I do want romance with you.”

I still barely understood. “So... You did like that kiss?”

He smiled a bit. “I did.”

I turned red and looked at the water. “I liked the kiss, too.”

We both liked the kiss. What did that really mean for us?

Mr. Pan grabbed my hand, unwrapping one of my arms from my tail. He intertwined our fingers. “I’m glad to hear that. I know that you’re new to this and I’m probably somewhere between new and old to romance but I would like to try it.”

“What do you mean?” My heart started to get louder in my ears.

“I want to try this romance thing with you.” Those words almost made my heart stop.

“Why?” I turned my head his direction far too fast.

“Why not? Raina, I’m not completely stupid about this. I want to try it with you. What are you afraid of?”

“I...” I didn’t know what I was actually afraid of.

“I’m not a bad guy like the mermaids tell you. I at least like to think I’m not.” He chuckled.

“But I look different. I’m not a human. Do you not want a human wife?”

“Human wife? I didn’t realize I was getting married.”

“I would like to get married someday. I want the romance that humans have. I want love and marriage. I want to have babies and raise them with him. I want to spend my forever with someone. Do you want someone to be with forever?” I looked at our fingers that were still enjoying the warmth of each other.

“I want to be happy until forever ends.”

“Forever doesn’t end, does it?”

“Not on Neverland.” He smiled. “Let’s go to Neverland and never come back until forever ends.”

“What about my kingdom? What about the mermaids? I have to be their queen.”

“They want to banish you, don’t they?”

“I can’t just abandon them. If I’m going to be the queen I’m supposed to be, I must look past that and change our laws for the better.” I looked at the barely visible sun above the horizon.

Mr. Pan nodded. “I understand. You look different. I won’t deny that. You are still beautiful in your own way. I mean that. Humans look the same all the time. That gets boring. They all aim to look like each other to feel included and like they belong.”

“I don’t belong?” I frowned.

“You belong in Neverland. You belong in magical worlds. You are beautiful because you belong in the world we are already in. You aren’t half human because you do not belong there. Embrace who you are here.” He leaned in closer.

“I want to be with you and I swear I do but I don’t know if I can. The mermaids will never approve. If they know we’re together, I’ll be shunned and banished so fast that I won’t even have time to prepare.” I sighed.

He pushed some of my hair behind my shoulder. “Then we can hide it. My lost boys wouldn’t approve of us, either. We can hide this romance we share until things can change.”

“Can we hide successfully?” I looked at him.

He nodded. “I’ll make sure the area is always clear before we get romantic. Is that okay?”

“As long as we aren’t caught.” I nodded a bit.

“We won’t be.” He smiled.

“Okay.” I laid my head on his shoulder for some of the comfort he could give me. I closed my eyes.

“You should really try to walk around the island with me sometime. Will you do that now that we are together?”

I laughed a bit. “Oh, I see what you did there. You only want to be with me so I’ll walk around your island with you.”

“You caught me, bloody hell. I can say I tried.” He sheepishly smiled.

I took a deep breath as the sun disappeared behind the sea and the sky was barely lit with an orange glow. The stars were beginning to shine brightly as the moon finally showed its light.

“Is there something you have on your mind?” Mr. Pan asked.

“Not really. I think I’m getting through to Cora. I thought it would be easier since she’s supposed to be my friend but shes really set in her ways. She is slowly coming around. I won’t be able to tell her about us until I know I can trust her and I don’t know how long until that will be.” I looked at him.

He put an arm around me. “I can understand that. I don’t have any best friends but I do have someone I could consider my...friend? Or is he more of an acquaintance? He’s considered my second in command but he isn’t a friend.”

“Why not?”

“We just aren’t close. He has his thing and I have mine. Some relationships just hit it off while others don’t. That’s the way of life.” He swallowed.

“The way of life sucks, doesn’t it?” I looked at my body.

“That it does.”

A question wandered into my head and before I could really grasp it, it slipped out. “What about clothes? If I ever decide to walk on Neverland, I need to make sure I have clothes. You said it’s not in human nature to be naked and I have to accustom to the way of human life if I embrace my human self.”

“I can provide clothes. That will not be a problem. How long does it take for your tail to dry off?” He looked at me.

“A few hours.” I laid my hand on my tail, feeling the skin.

“Why so long?”

“I’m only part human. The other mermaids are half human which means their tails dry much faster. Their human legs are easier to grow as opposed to mine since my fish DNA is more prominent.” I looked over at his legs.

“Do mermaids ever grow their legs except for...the purpose of mating?” He gestured to my tail.

“Not really. We don’t have a reason to. We aren’t very curious about the human world. At least, they aren’t. I’m a whole different story. I just never tried it because I don’t have the clothes and I already look different in my appearance. I would stand out too easily.” I shivered and shifted my tail to a new position.

“That makes sense. I guess mermaids don’t have a reason to go into the human world. How do you expect to replace someone to mate with if you look different? I just hear you always say you feel ugly or something and I wonder how you would continue the population if you can’t...” He didn’t know how to finish his sentence.

“I’m not confident in my looks. The past queens were but I’m not. Cora says that men notice confidence. I guess it makes us more attractive or something.” I shrugged.

“I mean, I could see how a human could fall for a mermaid. You’re not ugly. They would be curious like I was. They’d get to know you and want to kiss you. You can attract more than you believe you can,” he said.

“Really?”

“Really.” He smiled and pulled my chin up so I would look at him.

I smiled in return. He brought his face closer until our lips met once again. I didn’t let him get away this time. I kissed back. Our lips moved together and I could feel this feeling of joy growing within me. This kiss held much more than what our first kiss contained. I felt all these positive emotions that continued to grow. They became intense.

Mr. Pan pulled away and pulled some hair in front of my shoulder. “I would feel weird kissing you with your breasts on full display.”

“I’m sorry.” I fixed my hair and covered my chest. “Better?”

“It’s not that it’s better. It’s just...more respectful,” he finished. “I want you to be respected.”

“How’s that?”

“In the human world, boys are known for wanting women for sex or being more sexual than a female. It helps build a woman’s self-esteem if the man is with her for more than just sexual things. I know that you’re only part human but you have a lot of insecurities and I just want you to know I am not with you because you are topless.” He gave me a half of a smile.

“Of course. I understand. You can make me a top to wear around you. I’ve never worn clothes but I’m curious. If I’m to embrace more of my human side and human curiosities, I can wear clothes somehow.” I nodded a lot.

“Deal. I’ll have a top made for you. It’ll look cute with your crown.” He fixed the crown atop my head.

“You make me a lot of things now.” I laughed.

“I like to. You deserve to have some things. You deserve to wear a crown because you are a queen. You deserve to be respected. I know that your people don’t respect you but I do. I know I’m not your people and I rule my own nation but as one royal to another, you deserve more respect for the way you run your kingdom. You hold a lot more civility than most I’ve seen. You put up with the monsters you rule over and you still look out for their best being in the end.” He began to stroke my hair. “I admire that.”

“You admire the way I rule my people? Are you going to take my method and apply it to the way you rule yours?”

“I would if I ruled over female mermaids. I work with a different species. I rule human boys. They need a different set of rules to follow. There’s a different kind of training and leadership that goes into what I do. Boys are different and human are different. I have a different deck of cards to deal with.” He planted a kiss atop my head.

We stayed silent and let the sound of the sea end our night.