The Structural Silence (Book 1 of The Transition of Pinn)
Just a say (Chapter 25)

Giddean:

I don’t know what is wrong with everyone today, but it is like they are on a mission to fucking annoy me. First James messes with my things, then Sean refuses to be Ivy’s guard, now Ivy is asserting her independence as if I had been the one to take it away from her.

Oh yeah, and James gave me the letters from my constituents to read. The fucking Head Priest has noticed that I have skipped the vote for the temple funding for the last few years and has clearly decided to do something about it. I can’t even think about it right now.

Nobody understands how busy I am. They don’t understand how tired. Yet they go out of their way to create constant problems for me to fix.

“You’ve been here less than a week for fucks sake!” I try to contain my roar, but from the way she flinches I guess I didn’t succeed, “you got lost on your first day out.”

She takes a deep breath and then licks her pink lips as she stands before the desk. Fuck me but somehow that is sexy. Maybe I need to replace Luke for a quick fuck.

“I want a say in when we have children” She demands as she puts her hands on her hips like she has some fucking moral high ground.

Goddess, she assumes the worst. “Have I forced myself on you? No? I don’t see what the problem is.”

I don’t tell her that we don’t have a lot of choice; we will have to start trying for children in not too long. As much as I don’t mind giving her time, Pinn is not a place where a female without a baby is treated nicely. Questions will be asked, things will be assumed. But its best she replaces out about this from somewhere else.

“Of course not you’re…” She pauses and then looks at me, “I want my own money, my own job”

“Well, we don’t get everything we want. Females don’t work on Pinn”

“Then how am I supposed-“

“Look, Ivy, the simple truth is you know nothing about Pinn, not really. Those silly little classes you had just scratch the surface of life here. And until you know more it is my job to protect you.”

Shit. I think I need a drink. It’s far too early in the morning, but fuck it. I reach over and grab the bottle of liquor and the only clean glass left on the small drinks table next to the desk. The sweet sound of liquid on glass reaches my ears and I fill my glass to the top. I take a large swig before looking back at her.

She just watches my actions before continuing, “Look I just think we need to be honest and upfront with each other for this to work.”

There’s no way I will be able to be honest and upfront with her. I can’t tell her what haunts me at night and fuck, I mean she has enough to think about as is. I hear her crying softly in her room often enough, the sound irritates me beyond all else. I couldn’t concentrate for hours after the first time I heard it.

“Fine” I hear myself saying, “Is there anything else?” Skip the quick fuck with Luke, I might need to visit the temple of the god instead. Beating the shit out of some loser in one of their boxing rings sounds really good right now.

She opens and closes her mouth several times before continuing, “I think we should consider sending me back…”

“Absolutely fucking not!” I see red and pound my fists on the desk. No no no. It won’t happen again. Never again. I try to breathe through my nose to calm myself.

“You don’t want me here and we don’t get-“

I stand which such force my chair groans across the floor. I round the desk in only two strides and grip her shoulders and give her a shake. I am much taller than her and she feels frail as my large hands grip her thin shoulders.

“You will never go back.”

She looks scared, good. Anything to keep her from thinking she can go back. There is no going back, not really.

“But you’re gay” She says in the smallest of voices. I can barely hear her.

I look down at her. How she found out about Luke, I don’t know. Maybe Luke said something while drunk last night; I’ll have to have a chat with him. Fuck me. No one around me can hold it together.

“My relationship with Luke has nothing to do with you.” I say in the calmest voice I can muster. I am still holding her upper arms, goddess she is small. Tiny really. I can smell the soft scent of roses tickling my nose. It’s the first time I have touched her and I can feel my body responding to her nearness. Fuck, but I want to pull her closer and rub a part of myself that is coming alive.

With that thought I let go of her. I hands running down her arms in an almost caress as I take a step back.

She says nothing. Finally. And just peers up at me.

“Look, Ivy, it’s going to be hard to understand everything until you have been here longer. Right now all you have to do is get to know Pinn”

She looks away and just nods.

Thank the god and goddess. I know the situation is hard on her. It would be hard on anyone. But females do adjust; many are able to go on to have a good life on Pinn. I just hope Ivy is one of them. Maybe I need to set up a meeting with Senator Brouse’s partner as Kin suggested. Someone for her to talk to might help her.