ACADEMY OF THE UNDEAD; BOOK TWO Stand Together ... Or Fall Together
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Catholics And Anglicans

Elizabeth wandered over and saw the two trembling witches heavily involved with Aleisha, and she wanted to walk away and leave them in peace, although everybody else seemed to be talking to a witch except her. Aleisha had two witches to talk to, although there didn’t seem to be much talking happening, so Elizabeth said shyly, “Hello, is everybody having a good time?”

Elsie looked at her, then she turned back in for another kiss, although Daisy was more courteous. “Yes, we are having a good time, because we are kissing the beautiful vampire and also caressing her breasts.”

“Lucky you.” Elizabeth smiled. “And her name is Aleisha.”

Aleisha pulled away from a kiss, then said, “Guys, guys …” Both of the girls snapped their heads around, and Aleisha, conscious of nouns that could disrupt the girls focus, said, “Sorry, I won’t say that again.”

“Can you see Jess?” Daisy asked.

“No, where is she?” Elsie replied.

“What’s going on?” Elizabeth asked.

“I’ll explain later.” Aleisha chuckled, then she said, “Witches, kiss and swap!”

“I beg your pardon beautiful vampire?”

“There are now two attractive vampires here, so the attractive witches can kiss a vampire each, then you swap to the next vampire.”

Elsie lowered her gaze and mumbled, “I am sorry beautiful vampire, but I cannot do what you ask.”

“Her name is Aleisha.” Elizabeth muttered.

“Why not?” Aleisha asked.

“She, she is a Catholic.” Elsie replied.

Suitably bemused, Aleisha asked, “So what?”

“Me, I’m an Anglican, so I will make myself accessible to all the vampires, except for her.”

Aleisha shook her head and asked, “Beth, what am I missing here?”

“Ohhh yes, Elsie is Anglican, and the Anglican church has a well-deserved reputation of being the Little Brother to the Catholic Church.”

“Excuse me,” Elsie jumped in, “We are the progressive and modern branch of the Christian faith!”

“You are a branch of the Christian faith that chops and changes your views and principles like a change in the weather!” Elizabeth replied.

“We are flexible, and we continually update to keep pace with the changing values of modern society!”

“The Catholic Church stays faithful to the time-honoured values and principles on which it was founded!” Elizabeth shot back.

“Our Church gives our Priests and individual dioceses freedom to make their own decisions, whereas your stupid church takes it orders from some clown called the Pope!”

“How dare you call the Pope a clown!” Elizabeth huffed, “And if you want a real clown, your church was started up by Henry the Eighth!”

“Hmmm, Henry the Eighth, I think I’ve heard about him,” Aleisha mused, “Was he a bad guy?”

“Yes, and he was also the perfect guy to start up a pissy little church!” Elizabeth stated.

“Well our Priests can marry!” Elsie declared.

“Yes, that’s because they’re fornicators!”

“Ohhh yeah? What about your hands-on-dicks, supposedly celibant Priests?”

Elizabeth cringed, and with recent controversies and on-going investigations into members of her church’s clergy in mind, it came to her quickly; maybe now was a good time to let this discussion scamper off into the wilderness. She faced Daisy and said decisively, “Excuse me Daisy, I would like to kiss a witch!”

Daisy glanced at her and said, “You are quite pretty in a girl-next-door kind of way, but I am sorry, I am currently kissing the beautiful vampire.”

“Her name is Aleisha.”

Aleisha, an expert in resolving disputes about who could kiss her, said, “Daisy, I promise that I will honour your offer of accessibility after the big surprise is unveiled, but until then, please kiss Beth.”

Elizabeth asked curiously, “Offer of accessibility?”

Aleisha gazed at Elizabeth and said, “I think she wants to have sex with me.”

“I do beautiful vampire!” Daisy gushed.

“So do I beautiful vampire!” Elsie declared.

“Her name is Aleisha.” Elizabeth reminded the witches.

“Ummm, Beth, I can live with Beautiful Vampire, I mean Beautiful Vampire sure beats the hell out of Camel or Rich Bitch.”

Elizabeth nodded, then asked, “What is the big surprise?”

“If we told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise.” Daisy replied, then feeling duty-bound to kiss the vampire who wasn’t as knee-trembling attractive as the Beautiful One, she squared up to Elizabeth and said, “I apologise in advance if this kiss is not my best kiss, but I need to inform you that I am saving all my best kisses for the beautiful vampire.”

Elizabeth pondered, then she glanced at Aleisha, and in a burst of inspiration, she said, “So am I!” She pushed in front of the Anglican Witch and sought a kiss from the Royal Lips.

“Hey, the Catholic is infringing on my kissing time!” Elsie complained.

Daisy did not complain, for she watched in fascination as two blond-haired vampires seemed to get lost in a kiss, hands skimming through blond hair then caressing bottoms, the bodies squeezed in close as free hands searched for breasts.

“Strange,” Daisy mumbled, “I believe my arousal is continuing to spiral.”

“Strange,” Elsie muttered, “I would like to be involved, but I am enjoying watching.”

Decisive in a very polite manner, Daisy tapped Elizabeth on the shoulder and said, “Vampire Elizabeth, I am now ready for my kiss with you.”

Elizabeth pulled away and smiled at Aleisha as she whispered, “If it bleeds you can kill it, and if it has emotions, you can arouse it.”

“Yeah, go Arnie!” Aleisha chuckled, then she delivered a parting kiss.

Before settling into a kiss with Aleisha, Elsie turned to Daisy and said, “Sister, you have my permission to kiss the Catholic Vampire on my behalf.”

Before settling into a kiss with Vampire Elizabeth, Daisy thought about it, then said, “No, I shall kiss Vampire Elizabeth on my behalf, and then we shall swap, and I will kiss the Beautiful Vampire!”

“No, you need to kiss Vampire Elizabeth on both our behalves, because I cannot kiss a Catholic Vampire!”

Aleisha tapped Elsie on the shoulder and said, “Daisy, can I tell you something …”

“Beautiful Vampire, my name is Elsie.”

“Ohhh, sorry, I meant Elsie; but Elsie it’s kiss and swap, or else it’s no kiss from anyone.”

“Beautiful Vampire, I don’t like Catholics.”

“Sure, but remember, it’s kiss and swap, or else no kiss.”

“Beautiful Vampire …”

“What?”

“I like kissing your lips and I like caressing your breasts, and I believe that I am already in love with you, so I will do whatever you ask.”

“Elsie …”

“What Beautiful Vampire?”

“I’m beginning to like you.”

Elizabeth heard the conversation, although she was more interested in her kiss with the cute witch. If Daisy was saving her best kisses for the Beautiful Vampire, Aleisha was in for a treat, because Daisy’s next best kisses were divine. Involved and energised, Elizabeth pulled away for a moment and cooed, “Gee, you’re a good kisser.”

Daisy ran her hands down the back of the vampire’s tight jumpsuit and said, “I will remember to give you one of my best kisses later on, because you have a very nice bottom.”

Elsie pushed away from the kiss with Aleisha and said, “The Beautiful Vampire has a nicer bottom than the Catholic Vampire.”

Aleisha said, “Elsie, I want you to do something for me.”

“I will do anything for you Beautiful Vampire.”

“Good, so no more talking.”

“Don’t talk?”

“The choice is yours; kiss or talk.”

“I choose kissing.”

“Good, so stop talking.”

Witches and vampires were enemies, although not on this sacred night, and an Anglican Witch settled into a kiss with a Beautiful Vampire, and a Dark-Haired Witch settled into a kiss with a Catholic Vampire.

Nearby, Vicky the witch said to Sophia, “So what do you want to do?”

“Errr, how you say …” Sophia began, hoping to translate her feelings into English. All around her vampires were kissing witches, and she wanted to do the same. Her growing arousal was affecting her translating skills, so she muttered, “Errr, baiser.”

Vicky the witch was confused, and she asked, “Baiser?”

“Oui.”

“Wee? Do you want to use the bathroom?”

“Errr, how you say, no.”

“Okay, so what do you want to do?”

“Baiser.”

Vicky looked around, hoping to see Isabelle, and after hearing a collection of swear words pinging in the night, she saw Isabelle with Debbie. “Excuse me Isabelle, what does baiser mean?”

Isabelle said, “Fuck.”

Vicky assumed that since Isabelle was from Illinois, she might be like Debbie, swearing all the time, so Vicky asked again, “I’m sorry to disturb you, but what does baiser mean?”

“It means fuck.”

“Ohhh,” Vicky looked at Sophia and said, “We can not fuck, errr, I mean baiser yet, because we have a big surprise for you.”

Sophia asked, “Qu’as-tu dit?”

Vicky asked, “What did you say?”

Isabelle called out, “She said, What did you say?”

“Ummm, I asked her, What did you say.”

“Soph, forget about talking,” Isabelle called out, “Kiss the witch and go the grope!”

“Kiss and grope?” Sophia asked.

Wanting consent to be given freely, Isabelle called out, “Witch Vicky, can Sophia kiss and grope you?”

“Well Mistress told us to be accessible to you creatures, so amongst the range of things she can do to me, those two are in the range.” Vicky replied.

“Good, so Soph, go the grope!”

“Excuse me Isabelle,” Vicky asked politely, “May I kiss and grope her?”

“Of course, she loves being groped! I mean the first words I taught her were kiss and grope!”

“That’s good to know.”

“We’re vampires okay, and because of our enhanced senses, we have enhanced orgasms, so pretty much all vampires are sluts.” Isabelle stated.

“Hmmm, I guess that’s pretty handy to know as well.”

Debbie and Isabelle wandered away and sat down under a towering oak tree, and Debbie, excited by talking to a vampire, especially a vampire from Illinois; asked, “So all vampires are sluts?”

“Yeah, straight up, I mean we’re all like Major League sluts.” Isabelle replied.

“So vampires like fucking?”

“We’ve got enhanced senses yeah, so sometimes the enhanced senses kinda like control us.” “Cool, cool, and all of us were excited about meeting you Suckers, because you know, we fought in the battle for you guys, but we’re more excited about getting to know you Suckers better.”

“Yeah well, you bitches saved our asses.”

“You mean witches.”

“Yeah, you witches saved our asses.”

Debbie faced the Rockford vampire and said, “So like anyway, we’ve all been talking about this night see, and Mistress says to us, you can fraternize with the vampires, but your keep your wits about you. So I’m super-fucking-excited yeah, and I asks, does fraternize mean fucking? And she goes, Mistress goes, you do not have to do these things, but we should try to be accessible for the vampires. Accessible to me means like she’s saying, Let the vampires fuck you if they want, so I says, Mistress, I’d like to fuck a vampire, cause you know, I haven’t done that before, and I mean I would only do it if the sucker-fucker didn’t bite me yeah, and Mistress is like, yeah, let’s just see what happens, okay.”

Isabelle nodded and said, “Yeah I understand what you’re saying, because I’d like to fuck a witch, but only if the witch didn’t put a spell on me and turn me into a frog or something.”

“Ohhh, shit no, we can’t do stuff like that, fuck me.”

“What, turn vampires into frogs?”

“Well, I’m only a two-and-a-half-year witch ya gotta understand, but I don’t think we can turn any fuckers into frogs.”

“No fuckers into frogs?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Well, that’s good to know.”

“Anyway, you’re a Sucker-Fucker, so do you know of any Sucker-Fucker that I can fuck, you know, just so that I can say, I’ve done that, I fucked a vampire, and then I can cross it off my bucket list.”

“An item on your bucket list is to fuck a vampire?”

“Yeah, yeah, I mean us witches are scared shitless of you fuckers, but if you Sucker-fuckers promise not to bite us, I wanta fuck one of youse, because I never fucked a Sucker-fucker before, see?”

“I’m a Sucker-Fucker, I mean a vampire!”

“Ohhh, yeah I saw that, I mean I saw your fangs, but you wouldn’t let me fuck you.” Debbie said despondently.

“Says who?”

“Are you saying you would?”

“Well, you know, I got a bucket list too.”

“Yeah, what kind of stuff is on your bucket list?”

“Ummm, ummm, stuff like, you know, fuck a witch.”

“I’m a witch!”

“Yeah, I know that, I mean I saw you walking into the fucking fire!”

“Yeah, that was me,” Debbie said excitedly, “And you’re a vampire who wants to fuck a witch!”

“Well yeah, I mean it’s on my bucket list.”

“Okay, so I’m a witch who wants to fuck a vampire!”

“I’m a vampire!”

“I know, and I’m a witch!”

Isabelle was piecing it together, so she said brightly, “So I’m a vampire, and you’re a witch, and we both wanta fuck.”

“Yeah, well that’s the way I’m reading it,” Debbie said, then she asked expectantly, “So what, you wanta fuck?”

“Put it this way, I wanta cross that item off my bucket list.”

“Yeah, if we fuck, we can both cross the item off our bucket lists!”

“And we’re both from Illinois!”

“And we both swear fuck-loads!”

“Ohhh, yeah, but I got Tourette’s, so I can’t help it.”

“Vampires get Tourette’s?”

“Ummm, I used to have it as a human, and I like swearing, so maybe I got pretend-Tourette’s now.”

“Fuck, I like swearing too, so maybe I got pretend-Tourette’s as well!”

“Fuck yeah, maybe we both got it.”

Debbie was excited, although a negative thought popped into her mind, and she asked, “So if we fuck, I want you to promise me that you won’t bite me, cause I mean getting bit by a vampire ain’t on my bucket list, see?”

Isabelle knew that this was the witch she was going to slam, hopefully in mid-air, although it never hurt to have a little fun. She said, “Have you ever heard the story that has that really important moral message about a creature’s nature, and some creatures can’t change the nature of their nature?”

“Arhhh, what’s it about?”

“It’s about a frog and a fox.”

“Frog and a fox, frog and a fox, no, don’t think so.”

“Well this fox wants to get across to the other side of the river, and he sees this frog, and he goes, Hey frog, can I jump on your back and you take me across to the other side of the river? The frog goes, Okay, but only if you promise not to bite me, and this is where the really important message about a creatures nature comes into it.”

Debbie pondered, then asked, “Why did the fox wanta go to the other side of the river?”

“Arhhh, I’m not sure, I mean that’s what the little fuckers do isn’t it, go from side to side of the river?”

“I dunno, but it’s a stupid fox, because he ain’t gonna fit on a frog’s back!”

“I think it was a small fox and a really big frog, I mean like a real big fucker.”

“Okay, but it’s still a stupid small fox, because foxes can swim!”

“Really?”

“Yeah, when I was a young human-fucker, we chased this furry little fox-fucker one time, and he jumped in the river and swam like all fuck, and I’m throwing stones at the little fucker, and I don’t know if foxes have got world records for swimming across rivers or anything, but if they did, this little fucker would’ve broken all the world records!”

Isabelle sucked her bottom lip then mumbled, “Hmmm, I better speak to Piper.”

“Sorry?”

“No, nothing.”

“Anyway, what was the important message about a creature’s nature?”

“Arrhh, ummm, thinking about it now, it wasn’t that important.”

“Okay, but back to the important point, or the important point from my point of view, because I don’t wanta get bitten up see, so if we fuck, you won’t bite me?”

“If you don’t turn me into a frog, I won’t bite you.”

“I can’t turn you into a frog!”

“Okay, so I won’t bite you then.”

“Excellent, excellent, because I love being a witch, but I’d hate to be a witch who got bitten by a vampire, because everybody would be bagging me and saying, Yeah, Deb got bitten by a vamp, so I’d get a bad rep, see?”

“I promise, I won’t bite you.”

Debbie was excited, although she liked to have a little fun as well, so she said cheekily, “I can’t turn you into a frog, and I’ll try my best not to turn you into a fox.”

“What, you can turn people into foxes?”

“I’m a witch, of course I can!”

Isabelle seemed stunned, so Debbie nudged her and said, “I’m kidding.”

“What?”

“I was kidding, I mean witches can’t turn people into different stuff, we just put spells on people and make them do stupid stuff.”

“Fuck, that’s a relief.”

“So yeah, after we unveil our big surprise for you guys …” Debbie stopped mid-sentence and looked around anxiously.

Curious, Isabelle asked, “What are you doing?”

“Shit-fuck, I just said guys, and I hope Jess didn’t hear me, or else I’d be in for a big lecture.”

Isabelle spluttered out a laugh.

“So yeah, after we unveil our big surprise for you vampires, I can fuck the fuck outta you?”

“What’s the big surprise?”

“If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise!”

With Giddy prancing along excitedly by her side, Apollonia wobbled towards Aleisha, Daisy and Elsie. Aleisha asked knowingly, “Great Queen, did you enjoy?”

Apollonia gazed at Giddy, then turned back to Aleisha as she said uncertainly, “I, I’m not sure.”

The witch looked dazed and dishevelled, while the small vampire bounced around excitedly, so Aleisha asked mockingly, “Did the Great Queen break our little vampire?”

“No.” Apollonia replied. She gazed at Giddy again, the creature hopping around and pumping her hands in the air as she yelled, “Nit-nit, yip, yip!”

“It, it was a sixty-year-old bed.” Apollonia mumbled.

“Ohh God, did she break your bed?” Aleisha asked.

Apollonia gazed at the hopping creature again, then mumbled, “My mattress is on the ground.”

“Whoops’um, sorry ’bout that big witch.” Giddy said shyly. She hunched her shoulders and turned to Aleisha as she said, “The roof of yo bed fell on ma head.”

“What?”

“She means that the canopy of the bed fell on us.” Apollonia explained.

Daisy was interested, and she asked, “Mistress, how did she break your bed?”

“Arrrhh, I’m not sure that I can explain it.”

Aleisha turned to Daisy and said proudly, “Our Beast engages in sexual activity with a manic physical aggression, and she tends to break things.”

Elsie was amused by the hopping, prancing vampire, although she was wishing to engage in her own sexual activity, so she asked excitedly, “Mistress, shall we prepare ourselves for the surprise?”

“Good idea Baby, gather the girls.”