Amnesia - The Matlock Pack: Book One
Chapter 65 - Nat

Thursday 31 December

~*Nat’s POV*~

My eyes drifted open to the sounds of knocking on the front door.

With hope ever present in my heart, I rolled over in bed to see if I was still alone or if Bells had returned whilst I’d been asleep.

There was no-one there. The mattress was still cold.

The hope drained from me as the pounding on the front door continued. I knew it wouldn’t be Bells, as he had access to the apartment. There was no need for him to be hammering at the door.

If Bells wasn’t here, I had no interest in seeing anyone else. Let Cody answer the door.

I heard the door being opened and the sound of Auden’s voice, but I couldn’t decipher what she was saying. Figuring if she or Cody wanted me, they’d knock on my bedroom door, I decided I’d lay in bed and see if I could get back to sleep.

And hope that Bells would somehow miraculously appear by the next time I woke up.

~~~

I woke up and went back to sleep several more times over the next few hours, each time the hope diminishing in my heart just a little more.

The bed remained cold and empty, my phone clear of messages.

I eventually got up and pottered out to the lounge area, feeling like death warmed up. My nightmares hadn’t returned, but I’d still tossed and turned when I had been asleep, leaving me feeling wrung out and anxious.

As always, Cody was already up and about, cheery as ever. I scowled at her as I walked past her to the kitchen, which only made her smile broaden even more.

“Have you seen Bells?” I asked. Just because he hadn’t been in bed, didn’t mean that he hadn’t come home.

Home. How quickly this apartment and Bells had made me feel like this was home.

Cody shook her head. She grabbed her phone from the coffee table and typed. “He could have been caught up somewhere during the pack run last night. I wouldn’t worry.”

“He snarled at me, Cody. I need to know we’re okay,” I said, a headache already forming. God, I really was a grump this morning. Afternoon? Evening? What fucking time was it?

I checked my phone and found it was close to five in the afternoon. I’d slept a little under six hours, and so had Cody. Where I felt, and presumably looked like I hadn’t slept enough, she looked as fresh as a daisy on a spring morning.

God, I hated her sometimes.

“Are you ready for the midnight fireworks tonight?”

I picked up my bowl of cereal and wandered over to the couch to sit next to her. “There’ll be fireworks tonight?”

“New Year’s Eve. Tomorrow’s the start of a new year.”

I raised an eyebrow. Time had gotten away from me, so I didn’t know what day it was. Had I really been in Matlock an entire month? Wow. In some ways, I wondered where the time had gone, and in others, so much had happened that I wondered how it could have all happened in only thirty-one days.

“The entire pack gets together to celebrate. It’s just like a pack run, but without the shifting. There are fireworks at nine-fifteen for the littlies, as well.” Cody looked excited. She was almost jumping up and down in her seat at the prospect of two lots of fireworks. God help me.

“Great.” I knew I sounded sarcastic, but my heart just wasn’t in it. After what had happened last night with the pack, I had to go through another night in front of the entire pack? As much as Takeshi assured me that everything was going to be fine, how welcome was I truly going to be?

Cody punched me in the upper arm at my tone.

“Hey!” I rubbed my now aching arm and scowled at her.

She typed away. “Snap out of it, you little shit. Fireworks are awesome and tonight we get two lots of them.”

“Who are you calling little…” I muttered, looking her up and down with a tiny smile playing at the corners of my mouth. Cody truly was impossible to stay mad at.

She grinned at me. “That’s more like it. Come on. Go get ready. The barbecue starts soon.”

I groaned half-heartedly, but got up anyway. After washing my bowl and spoon, I did as she requested. Within half an hour, I was washed, dressed and physically ready for whatever tonight was going to bring.

Mentally, however… Thoughts of how I would be received at the barbecue troubled me, as well as concern about where Bells had gone. We had spent so much time together, especially this past week, that not having him with me felt exceedingly strange.

As much as I trusted Takeshi, I was terrified that the pack wouldn’t accept me. It was one thing to feel confident in yourself; another thing entirely to feel confident around people you barely knew. I’d only been here a month and for most of that time, I’d been in the camp. I didn’t know half the campers, let alone the pack at large. Would they really trust what Takeshi said, even if he was the pack Alpha?

Cody stuck to me like glue when we entered the lobby of the pack house, glaring at anyone who looked at me with even a hint of malice. Surprisingly, there weren’t as many people as I had imagined there would be sending me nasty glances. Most simply ignored me, carrying on with their conversations like normal as we passed. It didn’t stop me from shaking with nerves, though, so she led me outside to replace a picnic table at the edge of the grounds.

Yamparti and Tyipa both swooped down and landed on our shoulders. A sense of calm spread through me as soon as Tyipa touched me, allowing my nerves to dissipate.

“Thank you, Tyipa,” I murmured, stroking her chest. She nudged me with affection in response.

We sat there silently, watching the rest of the pack mill around the barbecue and chat amongst themselves. No one ever looked our way, for which I was eternally grateful. I could live with being ignored more than being the subject of ridicule. Being the centre of attention had never sat well with me at all over the past month, so this felt like it was business as usual for me.

Cody eventually got her phone out when the crowd around the barbecue lessened. “I’m hungry. You want anything?” As she got up, Yamparti took flight and headed for the nearest tree.

“Sure. I’ll have whatever you have.” I wasn’t fussed. At this stage, any food was going to be good food.

She nodded and headed off on her quest for nourishment. I passed the time studying each pack member that was within eyesight of me, setting up little imaginary meetings with them. Tyipa took flight and joined Yamparti at some point, but I didn’t take it personally. She had to eat and sleep sometime.

“Brock came back from his business trip to Sydney yesterday, just in time for the pack run,” the blonde with the toddler on her hip said in my imagination.

The brunette standing next to her, with his arm around her waist, was grinning in happiness. “It went so well; we might have to move there in winter,” my imaginary version of him said.

“That’s wonderful news,” said the older woman in my imagined dialogue. She had grey hair and was standing opposite them, gripping the blonde’s forearms excitedly. “But when will I see my grandson?” She was looking at the toddler, a grin on her face as she let go of the blonde and ruffled the toddler’s hair.

My eyes left the little family and looked for the next small grouping I could project my imaginary dialogue on. I caught sight of a couple, their backs turned towards me, so I couldn’t tell if I knew them or not.

“Did you see her last night? What an absolute spectacle,” the female brunette said in my head.

“Right? I’m sure she knew what was going to happen the whole time and did it so she’d become the centre of attention. She’s probably been faking her memory loss the entire time she’s been in Matlock,” the blonde male said.

I blinked. What the fuck? Why would my imagination be talking about me? Especially like that?

“Are you sure it’s your imagination, Nat?” Alex asked. “All of your senses are heightened by being a werewolf. Now that you’ve shifted…” He trailed off.

“Are you telling me I have super-hearing?”

“No, just that your senses weren’t exactly at their peak before you shifted.”

I gulped. If that was the case, people were actually talking about me, and not in an altogether friendly way. Brilliant. I looked at the darkening sky above. Things weren’t as peachy as I thought they were. Had I made the wrong call?

“Hi Nat. Mind if I sit?”

I dropped my gaze back to the Earth to see Murph standing in front of me, looking unsure. Cody placed an overflowing yet mouth-watering plate in front of me and sat down next to me. She nudged me with her shoulder and nodded, looking over at Murph, then back at me as she picked up her burger. She obviously wanted me to let him stay.

I rolled my eyes at her before turning to Murph with a smile on my face. “Sure, Murph. Take a load off.” I grabbed the burger Cody had given me, leaving everything else on the plate for later.

He lowered himself onto the bench seat opposite Cody and me, his hands splayed out on the picnic table between us. “I’m sorry about how I reacted last night, Nat,” he said. “Your shift surprised me.”

I snorted around the food I had shoved in my mouth. I waited until I’d swallowed before I responded. “It surprised me too, Murph.”

He grinned sheepishly. “I’d imagine it did…” He trailed off, not knowing what else to say. His gaze lowered to the table, letting an awkward silence fall.

I frowned slightly at him. “I’m still me, Murph. You know that, right?”

He looked up at me like a deer in headlights. “Of course!” The guilty look that drifted quickly over his face belied his words. “It’s just a lot to take in…”

My frown deepened as I lowered my burger, my appetite suddenly disappearing. “Imagine living it,” I said frostily. Murph knew me better than a lot of other people in the pack. I realised I’d have an uphill battle against pack members who didn’t know me, but I didn’t think I’d have to defend myself to those that I’d spent almost every day with for the past month.

“Oh, that’s not how I meant it!” He started backpedalling immediately. He reached across the table to grasp my hand. I jumped as the first fireworks went off just as we made contact. There were cheers from the children in the crowd as the colourful explosions filled the night sky, the noise almost overwhelming.

We all looked up; our meals forgotten for the moment. For fifteen minutes, the fireworks filled the air above us; the booms bouncing back to us from the surrounding mountains and gullies.

When darkness descended on us again, my eyes settled on Murph. He looked ashamed, his eyes not wanting to meet mine at all. I didn’t say anything; I simply picked up my burger and continued eating.

“So…” he began, trying to fill the silence at the table. “How have you been today?”

I raised an eyebrow at him and kept chewing.

“I mean, after last night,” he said, tugging at his shirt collar and glancing at Cody for reassurance. “It must have been rough on you.”

I chewed for a little more before I swallowed. “I don’t know, Murph. Being snarled at by my boyfriend was a fabulous time. Balloons and streamers should have descended above me for the full ‘surprise!’ effect.” Clenching my jaw, I took a deep breath in when I saw how horrified Murph was, letting it out slowly to release my tension. “I’m sorry, Murph. I know you’re trying.” Reaching over, I gripped his hand to reassure him. “Have you heard from Bells? I haven’t seen him today and I’m worried.”

He shook his head. “Wyatt ran off just after you and Roux did last night. It was when Scout fought Kairu. I thought he’d show up in the pack run, but I couldn’t replace him.”

Cody’s fingers flew over her phone. “What happened last night between Scout and Kairu?”

Murph looked relieved to be talking about something else. “Takeshi mind-linked everyone last night after you shifted, letting us know he would replace out what was going on. Scout tried to go after you, but Kairu stopped him.” He sounded impressed. “Archer, Kennedy’s wolf, started the pack run while they fought. I guess he was worried about us being caught in the crossfire between them. I’ve never seen two wolves go at each other like they did last night. It was brutal.”

I could well imagine. Both Kairu and Scout were massive creatures. Any blows between them would have made the ground tremble.

I sat back to eat the rest of my meal, half listening as Murph caught Cody up on the rest of the gossip from last night. It seemed I had a lot more to thank Takeshi for than simply granting me membership to the Matlock pack.

~~~

It was getting close to midnight, and I was walking through the crowd that was still milling about, waiting for the fireworks to welcome in the new year.

Auden had found us at the same picnic table we had been at earlier and joined us for the countdown. Murph had stayed, the awkward tension we had felt earlier disappearing when he found out from Auden that Takeshi had made me a pack member. His immediate excitement at the news was enough to remove any lingering doubt I had about how he felt about me and Alex.

We were going to be okay.

Now, if only I could replace Bells…

I had left Auden, Cody, and Murph at the picnic table to stretch my legs. Takeshi had made a reappearance several minutes earlier and was chatting with Kennedy, Casey, and some other pack members that I didn’t know. They all looked like they were joking around, even though I could see the hint of a bandage on Takeshi’s right arm and hand.

I noticed Tatum and Zelda at the edge of the crowd and adjusted my wanderings to avoid them. Tatum was sitting on one of the picnic tables, holding Zelda around the waist as she leaned on the table between his legs. He was nuzzling her neck, and she was giggling; both looking like they were just one of the regular teenaged couples waiting for the fireworks, including Owen and his latest squeeze of the moment.

As I changed course, I noticed the top of Bells’ head bobbing away through the crowd, trying desperately to avoid touching anyone. My eyes flitted back towards where I had seen Tatum and Zelda to make sure I had indeed seen Bells and not Tatum, and sure enough, they were still locked in the embrace where I had seen them last.

I picked up my pace and followed Bells. It was the first time I had seen him in over twenty-four hours, and I needed to make sure everything was okay.

Bells cleared the crowd first, heading for the nearest trees in the surrounding forest. Once I broke through the crowd, I called out to him, picking up the pace to catch up with him. He paused at the forest edge, his hand on one of the many trees. He turned to face me and waited until I was a few metres away from him before he spoke.

“That’s close enough.” His voice was low, harsh; nothing like the warm tones I was used to.

I stumbled, then stopped. “Bells…?” I was so confused. What was he upset about? “Are you concerned about the colours when I glowed? Because there’s a reason for–”

“I can’t, Nat.” He cut me off and shook his head, his eyes downcast, refusing to look at me.

“You can’t what?” I took a tentative step forward, holding my hand out to him.

He flinched when my foot landed that one step, and he took a corresponding step backwards to keep the same distance away from me. “You’re male, Nat. I can’t.”

I frowned at him and dropped my hand. “No, I’m not, Bells. That’s Alex. That’s not me.”

He shook his head, his locks swaying. “You and Alex are the same, Nat. You’re one and the same.”

“Alex is a part of me, Bells. He’s–” I paused when he flinched. “–my wolf, just like Wyatt is your wolf. But I’m still me. I’m still the woman who loves you.”

He stared at the ground at my feet, still shaking his head. “No. You’re male. You’ll end up hurting me.” He still couldn’t look at me. “Just like him.”

I felt a single tear track its way down my cheek. “I’m not him, Bells.” My voice cracked with the emotion filling me, my subconscious already sensing where this was headed. “I could never be him. I love you.”

His hand gripped the tree that he was leaning on, his knuckles white with tension. “Don’t make this harder than it already is, Nat.”

“Don’t do this, Bells,” I begged, his face still facing my feet. “Please.” Look up. Look at me. Please.

“It’s over, Nat. I can’t,” he muttered, swallowing heavily. “I just can’t.” He shook his head once more, tapped the tree with his hand and walked away from me, never raising his eyes to me once.

I fell to my knees, just as the midnight fireworks erupted behind me, the booming echoes of the colourful explosions echoing off the trees. I screamed at him, tears streaming down my cheeks as he disappeared into the darkness, the trees enveloping him completely in seconds. The fireworks drowned out my cries, with the crowd cheering the new year in.

I sat there in a heap as the noise of the fireworks went on and on, sobbing at the loss of the man I loved, trying desperately to let out every bit of agony I was feeling, but with every heaving cry, the despair I felt in my chest grew until all I could feel was a cavern of nothing. He had shattered my heart into a million pieces, and there was no way for me to even think about putting them back together.

I was broken, never to be whole again.

At some point, I realised I could no longer hear the fireworks or the crowd behind me. I didn’t know how long I had been on the ground, nor did I care. My tears had long since dried; the hollow feeling in my soul was the only thing remaining. I heard laughter approaching me from behind, but I didn’t care. Let them pass me. Let me be invisible.

Just one more time.

“Look, honey,” Zelda’s voice carried to me, a giddy lilt to her tone. “Look what the cat dragged in.”

I let my head hang, tearstains drying on my cheeks.

Of course.

“Where’s your fuckbuddy, freak?” Tatum asked, scorn dripping from his words. He walked around in front of me, then crouched down. He snaked his hand out to me and grasped my chin, forcing me to look up at him.

I didn’t fight it. I was too numb.

He tilted his head at me, appraising me. “Would you look at this, Zel?” His eyes darted over my shoulder to look behind me. “Looks like the gigantic mutant has had its heart broken.” A grin spread over his face. “I wonder who could have done that.”

Zelda appeared before me, leaning over me. Tatum held my head steady so she could stare into my eyes. “Aw, I think you’re right, Tates.” A dangerous sparkle glinted in her eyes, her grin spreading from ear to ear. “Would you look at that.” She tilted her head as she studied me. “She’s not scared of us.”

Tatum snickered.

“I think we should change that,” Zelda said, the smile on her face disappearing in an instant, her tone becoming flat and lifeless.

Tatum threw my chin to the side as he let go of me. It wasn’t hard, just enough to let me know how disgusted he was with me.

Once more, I didn’t react. I simply let my head wobble on my neck.

I didn’t even flinch when the first punch came. The strength behind it made me believe it was from Tatum, but honestly, I wasn’t paying attention. I just didn’t care anymore.

I never made a sound as they beat me, which I think infuriated them even more. Each strike corresponded with an accompanying grunt, some male, some female. I heard the crunch of my nose being broken at one point, but I didn’t feel it.

I didn’t feel any of it.

The more I didn’t react, the more I remained silent, the louder and fiercer they got. At some point, I fell onto my side, and they upgraded from fists hitting me to solid kicks anywhere they could reach.

I could hear Alex yelling at me, but it was like I was underwater; his voice was muffled enough that I couldn’t decipher any of his words.

I simply didn’t care anymore.

My consciousness gave out after a well-aimed kick to the head from one of them. I felt myself breathe out in relief before the darkness took me.

Finally.

Maybe now I could get some fucking peace.