Awakening (2 book series)
Awakening – Rejected Mate Chapter 59

"I'm okay, and you're right...I'll eat later. I just need some quiet time to think." I play it off coolly but inside so many warring emotions are kicking me in the a*s, ripping my heart to shreds at the realization I have a chance of a real pack family with these people, and I'm leaving them behind. It's hard to swallow, words sticking like glue in my throat, and my face aches with the effort of keeping my expression neutral. "Are you coming to the com room after chores?" Cesar startles me with this one, and I blink at him, completely non-plussed. Panic starting to set in that we might have some sort of meeting I have to show face for, or Colton will suspect. "Yeah, we decided we needed some pack hang time, a few beers, movie... all chillin together." Radar finishes it for him, all eyes on me, standing awkwardly, poised, and I hesitate. Struggling to think up an instant refusal, while dying inside that I'm literally being asked to initiate, to bond, and I can't. If ever there was a moment, I wanted to kick the fates in the a*s, it's now.

"You know the whole Carmen... Colton, thing. I don't think...." I stutter my feeble excuse out, hoping they take pity on that messy triangle of heartache and release me from the invitation.

"He won't be there, he's avoiding all of us, so screw him. And 'Carmoanallday', she's following his a*s around like she's in the haze already. She won't be there if he isn't." Remi, adding more weight to my already trodden down soul which is about to snap under all this pressure. I can't formulate a reply, sweat beading at the back of my neck when Meadow swoops in and saves my a*s. Her eyes darting to me, concern etched on her brow.

"Give her some breathing space guys. Girls had a tough week and she's tired. Let her see how she feels after her first time down in laundry. We all know how tough that shift is, stuck down in the sweat room." She throws me a supportive half smile that doesn't reach her eyes and I could practically kiss her. My foggy mind grasping onto that tiny reason to bail without actually rejecting the invitation.

"Yeah, I'll see how I feel after that. I hear it's pretty exhausting and I might be wiped out after. Don't want to ruin your viewing with my snores." I make light of it, exhaling softly with relief that she gave me an angle, and the urge to kiss her all over again calms me down.

"Well you know where it is, we'll be there after nine." Domi, too now, and I honestly feel like this is some sort of sign, but I have to ignore it. I have to stay steadfast with the plan.

"Sure, I'll catch you guys later. I better go." It's a fast exit, saying it as I make a turn and head away, so I don't get sidetracked with anymore conversation or unexpected invitations. Hoping not to get caught in another offer I can hardly refuse and I'm so busy looking back, smiling at them guiltily, that I don't look where I'm going. I crash chest on into someone coming into the mess hall door, 'ooofting' with the sudden contact and wind myself lightly, bouncing, almost sending myself, and them, flying with the force of collision. "Ouch!" I yelp out in response, winded momentarily, and inhale sharply, catching my breath in my throat when I realize who's standing a foot back from me now and looking equally surprised. That swoon worthy cute boy face, dark sultry eyes under a furrowed brow, and I just want to melt into a hole on the floor and disappear. It could be me, and today that this happens.

"Hey. Sorry." Colton tries to avoid looking right at me, the awkward tension deafening and for a moment I feel like looking up at the sky and screaming WHY??? Someone up there is really testing me now I know what I'm doing, and I can't deal with this on top of everything else. Heart beat a hundred times faster, palms clammy, and legs weak, as I get hit with the usual Colton effects.

"Hey, and bye." I throw the words in a hurried, almost sassy breath, duck around him fast, avoiding looking at him anymore than I need to, and head on my way at speed not really wanting to get into this with him. He affects me in all ways, and I can't stay strong with him in my head. It's already too raw and I don't want to lose my courage. I don't look back, almost fall over Carmen, running along behind him, ignore her completely, and shut off my hearing when his voice echoes after me

"I guess... bye." He sounds wounded but screw him. He's no right to be hurt at my rebuff because he's literally ignored me for days. He's the reason I'm running. I try not to let myself react, just tuck my head down against my chest and keep going, pushing it all away. I stop thinking about him, will my brain to focus on the steps I'm taking, and hyper speed up the stairs as soon as I get out of sight. I need to file everything into one little box in my head and focus on doing, not feeling. My emotions are not helping, I have to take from logic to deal with this. I can fall apart later, when I'm out of here and miles away. I can break like a damn, if that's what I need to do, wail to my heart's content, but just not right now. I have to be strong to see this through.

Despite telling myself that, it doesn't stop a tiny little murmur of insane jealousy in the corner of my brain, shouting questions at me anyway. Why was he heading in their now, after days of not? He doesn't eat with us anymore for some unknown reason, and where was he with her? They didn't look like they just bumped into each other, she was definitely following him into the mess hall, although to be fair she's been following him for days anyway.

I push the green mist aside, chastising myself for it and get my ass up the stair, along the hall and down to the end where my room sits. Wasting no time getting inside and breathe a sigh of relief when I lock it shut from the inside and sag back for a moment, to pull my wits together. I turn to walk to my bed and unexpectedly kick something light across the floor, looking down as it skids to the center of my rug and stops. I scoop down to pick it up.

It's an envelope and I recognize Meadow's gentle curving cursive on the front. I turn it over hastily, inhaling her heady mix of scent and perfume as I pull it open and gawp at the stash of cash inside. There's a note tucked in behind the money and I pull it out to read it, hands shaking at my discovery, once again overwhelmed.

Hey, Chica

This isn't much, but you need it more than I do. My number is on the back of this. Keep it. You know where we are if you need us. No matter what! We're your pack.

I'll miss you, Hemara.

XXX