Beautiful Sinner: a standalone forbidden romance (Beautiful Series)
Beautiful Sinner: Chapter 33

THE WEATHER this time of year is perfect. I’d be enjoying it a lot more if I could leave my bed. Luckily for me, Sunny and Alexander have a beautiful pool house equipped for guests that gives me enough sunshine through the floor-to-ceiling windows that I don’t have to feel bad about my lack of vitamin D.

When I hear Sunny come through the door, I try to pretend to be asleep but she knows me better. I feel her settle onto the bed behind me, cuddling close so that her arms are wrapped around my waist. Then she nuzzles her face into my hair.

I didn’t realize how much I missed my little sister until I spotted her as I came out of the terminal into the airport. I thought I had cried out every last tear I had until my eyes found little Sunny standing alone behind the rope waiting for me. I couldn’t stop the tears as I ran into her arms and sobbed onto her shoulder.

Since then, I’ve answered questions vaguely, but when your sister runs off to Europe, falls in love with a priest, and comes home knocked-up, it’s not exactly a mystery as to why she’s so upset. So she’s been giving me my space.

But now that I’ve been home for a couple weeks, I can feel her getting restless and ready to talk.

“How are you feeling?” she asks, and I know she means physically.

“Tired. Sick. Sad. The trifecta.”

She squeezes me tighter. “Do you know how far along you are?” It’s the first time she’s really asked about the pregnancy since I got here, and I want to push away the thought. So I just shrug.

“I don’t know. A month. Maybe six weeks?”

Moving slowly to keep the room from spinning on me and sending me to the bathroom, I sit up and face my sister cross-legged. She does the same, and soon I’m reminded of all the years she and I sat on our beds like this, talking about boys. Well, it was usually me talking about boys while Sunny listened, never judging. It was like she looked up to me then, and I’m so glad she didn’t follow in my footsteps. She found the one guy for her and she’s perfectly happy spending her whole life with him, but that’s always how Sunny was. She knew what she liked, what she wanted, and she went out and got it.

I see her sad expression as she watches me, and I know what she’s thinking. Sunny was just a kid when I got “in trouble” as Mom refers to it. I remember that day so vividly, how mad Dad was, complaining about how much it would cost him and blaming Mom because she didn’t watch me enough.

No one asked me what I wanted, but what choice did I have? I couldn’t do it without them, so I had to do what they wanted. And I did. My life was expected to return to normal after that, and all I wanted was to replace a man who wanted me, who would give me what was taken away so long ago, to right past wrongs.

Looking up at my sister, I clutch my stomach. Needles burn the backs of my eyes as she bites her lip, and I already know what she wants to say.

“Don’t ask me what I’m going to do, okay?”

“I wasn’t,” she answers as moisture pools around her blue irises.

“Because I know what I have to do.”

She blinks a tear down her cheek. “I know you do.”

My lip trembles. “I’m keeping it, Sunny.”

“I know you are.” Her hand jets out to grab mine and we squeeze each other impossibly tight. After a moment, my head drops down to her lap and I let warm tears fall. Her hand stroked my hair out of my face and across her legs.

“I hate to be the devil’s advocate here,” she adds after a few minutes. Oh, Sunny. Always the practical one. I know exactly where she’s going with this one. “He deserves to know, Cadence.”

I let out a groan. “I know he does, but you don’t understand. He’ll leave everything for me. He’ll quit the priesthood, his family’s business, fuck, I think he’d leave Ireland for me if he knew.”

My sister’s hand stops moving. Then in a sarcastic, low drawl, she adds, “Oh no, not a man who would give up everything for you.”

Sitting up quickly, I dry my tears. “But that’s the thing. He wouldn’t be doing it for me. He’d be doing it because he thinks he has to.”

Sunny’s head tilts and her brow furrows. “Oh my God, Cadence. What did they do to you?”

“Who?”

Reaching out to stroke my hair, she says, “All the boys who somehow collectively convinced you that no one could truly love you.”

My shoulders slump, and I let out a heavy exhale. “Oh. That was me. I did that.”

Later that day, I actually gather the strength to get out of bed, put on real clothes and join my sister and brother-in-law for dinner. It was a mistake.

Seeing them together, how in-sync they are, itching to constantly touch each other but choosing not to for my sake only makes me feel worse. It makes me miss him so much I have to excuse myself and go back to the pool house. I can’t live like this, not forever. I have a tiny person on the way, and it’s going to be up to me to take care of them.

Instead of going back to bed, I settle myself on the edge of the pool and dangle my feet in the water. Just behind Sunny’s new house is our old house. Mom sold it after she got cleaned up, but the memories it held are still there. Memories of a young, naive woman who gave everything away too easily.

I think about what would have happened if I’d met Callum sooner. He would have been even more annoyed with me when I was younger. If we hadn’t been forced together, I probably would have never given him a chance. He was too cold, too stern, and no fun.

Would he have brought me closer to God then? Am I any closer to Him now? I always figured I was at war with God, trying to steal someone who had pledged his faith to Him.

Regardless, I close my eyes, let my head hang forward, and I pray.

First, I pray for this baby.

Then, I pray for guidance so I don’t fuck this up.

Last, I pray for Callum, and I ask God to keep him. Keep his faith, and if providence is real, then I want God to let Callum decide. Let him live his own life without feeling like he owes anyone anything. He doesn’t belong to me, or to Bridget, or to God even.

What my sister said was true. I have to tell Callum about the baby, but first I want to know that I can do this alone if I have to. I don’t want Callum thinking he has to take care of us. It’ll take me some time to get things worked out, but for the first time in my life, I have faith in myself.