Darkest Before the Dawn (male/male)
Spit Hormones

Barty

Admittedly, going to rescue my boss and his old abuser was preferable to unpacking. I could handle other people’s drama and bullshit. I didn’t want to face mine. Mine could lead me to have another damn panic attack, while working with Felix’s issues could push it off for at least another week. An anxiety attack wasn’t pressing enough to have that very moment. It could certainly wait, whether or not it wanted to.

I realized I had been mentally personifying my anxiety for too long when Goldie turned up the volume on the radio to help fill silence. It was set to the “Stressed TF Out” station I made. She had her hair pulled up into the scrunchie she had stolen from Cadence. Her fingers were busy twiddling a twig that had fallen off her scalp. She was usually fine under stress, something that I liked about her, especially professionally. But whenever one of her friends was incapacitated, she became almost as useless as I did when I got stuck in my own head.

“Goldie, he’ll be fine,” I assured her, my hand on her knee, confident that I had to be right. It wouldn’t compute in my head that Felix was in danger. He was annoyingly calm sometimes, to the point that I wanted to throttle him. It came with the territory of having been a spy. His words were slick as oil sometimes, slipping in little quips and jokes that caused me to pause before responding. So much of what he did was calculated.

If that was true, then how did he get hurt? How was he not able to charm his way out of a scenario? My brain didn’t want to connect those two dots together.

Goldie must have seen how my face had shifted into one of annoyance because she layered her hand on top of mine, her neon orange nails chipped from helping us move. “I know he’s going to be okay.” Her voice betrayed her, sounding closer to mine whenever I was trying to push back any powerful emotions.

The location Madeline had sent to Marigold was a residential area about an hour and a half southwest of our new home. It was already passing eleven, and my body was sore from having been packing up the house all day. I had been expecting to just bring everything in and be done by midnight. Now, I wouldn’t be getting back until at least one that morning with a beaten-up vampire in tow. My stomach twisted. How long had he been hurt? Why wasn’t he healing?

“Barty, you have to relax,” Goldie scolded, giving my hand a squeeze. I rarely felt her eyes on me since she never gave me such intense stares, but it felt like daggers now, like she was wanting to examine why it was that I was panicked about this. He was my boss, that’s all. I didn’t want to deal with the adjustment of someone new.

That didn’t stop the vague relief that washed over me when my GPS said that our destination was to our left. We had driven into the suburbs of yet another small town, which I seemed to be frequenting lately. The neighborhood had newly developed homes with freshly cut lawns and fancy glass doors with floral wreaths on the fronts. It was perfect Americana suburbia, something I had always sworn that I was too good for, but was now wondering if that would be the next move since, damn, bay windows and French doors were starting to look super nice.

It was far too late and dark for anyone to be out to enjoy the cool weather coming off the mountains. The targeted house had a “for sale” sign in the front yard, explaining how a whole clan of vampires could have hung out in a suburban home without much suspicion. It smelled heavily of the undead and their blood, and I immediately stepped ahead of Goldie to bar her from any kind of danger.

For all we knew, this also could have been a trick like the one Madeline said they had walked into.

I knocked on the large wooden door that had a glass cutout in the center. There wasn’t any movement behind the glass, and there weren’t any lights on. Cautiously, I tried opening the door, which allowed us entry without any problems. Inside, the bloody stench made me gag, and I was thankful that Goldie didn’t have as strong a sense of smell as I did. “Felix?” I called. An empty house responded.

To my left, a foyer welcomed us with a seating arrangement of a sofa and several chairs, staged for anyone looking to purchase the home. The wall of the front room backed against the kitchen that had newly updated appliances and an island, and that spread into an open concept living room. French doors could welcome us out to the back porch. “Damn, this is a nice house,” I murmured, checking out the high ceilings and fresh coat of gray paint. It was still spotless in here, as if there hadn’t been vampires here earlier in the night feasting on someone’s blood.

“You going to keep admiring this place or come help your boss?” Madeline’s voice echoed in the house, and I found her down the short corridor that led to the two guestrooms. She was sitting against a closed door with light beaming out from the bottom, her hair a mess and one of her stilettos missing, the other placed next to her. “He’s in here, sitting in the tub.”

“What happened?” Goldie asked, extending her hand to help up Madeline. “You said you two were ambushed.”

Madeline rolled her eyes and flipped her hair over one shoulder. “We were. It was a normal Foundation meeting, except there had been some new members, which included a vampire who works on Mazerene and recognized Felix. They broke his cover, and it was absolute chaos after that.” She hugged herself and glanced back at the bathroom, regret filling her face. “The only reason I’m okay is because he convinced them that I didn’t know anything about his cover. He saved me.”

Not to anyone’s surprise.

“Who was the Mazerene vampire? Did Felix recognize them?” I asked, needing to get the questioning done because I had to see what condition Felix was in now. If he had been attacked by a flurry of other vampires, he couldn’t have been in good shape.

“He said it was someone he recognized from HR. Brunette guy, tall, big nose.”

Goldie bumped her hand against my arm. “Bet we can ask Cadence. That may also explain how they have the list of demons in the state. I can call her and see if that description matches anyone she recognizes to narrow down suspects.”

I nodded, then scooted past Madeline to get to the bathroom door. “Take Madeline out to the car, and I’ll try to get Felix situated.” I handed her my keys, my hand lingering in hers for a moment, like my body recognized that I was terrified but didn’t want to alert my brain to the feeling. I waited to open the bathroom door until I heard the front door open then close, hoping that I didn’t just send off Goldie with the more dangerous vampire at the moment. I had to take a few deep breaths, leveling myself so that I could give him my typical attitude. “Felix, I’m coming in,” I called, apprehensively opening the door.

“Don’t,” he shouted, voice shaking. He was balled up in the bathtub, back against the wall and arms wrapped around his legs. His clothes were slathered in dried blood and shredded along the arms and torso, as if people had been grabbing at him. “I’m dangerous right now. You need to leave.”

“Goldie and I didn’t come all this way just to leave you here, stupid,” I argued, taking a few steps closer to him, hoping my irritated persona was enough to disguise my fear. It smelled horribly of blood in here, the metallic scent penetrating my sinuses deeply enough to where I knew I’d be smelling it for days after. Finding Felix like this, frightened and visibly shivering, should have given me mild satisfaction until I remembered that Felix was not like this normally. He was a pain in my ass, but he never showed fear. “Let’s get the fuck out of here and get you home.”

“I-I can’t move too well.” His voice was a whimper. My heart was telling me that I should have let him be. The last time that I helped a so-called defenseless vampire, I had my stomach ripped out and had almost bled out. I had to keep reminding myself over and over, this is Felix. Mr. Boring. Watch-paint-dry kind of guy.

I had to cut him some slack on that. He was more interesting than I had first assumed.

Hungry, frightened eyes followed me as I got closer to Felix. They were the same burgundy eyes as every member in the group from twenty years before. The phantom pains returned to me then, an iciness dripping into my veins again from the lack of blood. My stomach hurt. Briefly, I hesitated, standing about three feet from Felix.

At the end of the day, Felix was a vampire. But at the end of that same day, he was my boss and the guy Goldie and my sister trusted, despite the ordeal I had experienced.

“Come on,” I instructed, pulling him up by his arm and shirt. His skin was colder than usual. The blue veins of his arms and neck stood out brighter than usual. He almost tripped getting out of the tub, grabbing carefully onto me to steady himself. He was lighter than I expected, even as he fell against me like a sack of potatoes. There were deep cuts in his arms and across his torso from where he was unable to heal himself. “We’ll get you to the car, then head home. Hang in there.”

His feet dragged along the tile as we stepped closer to the door. Languidly, his left arm wrapped around my neck while I reached around his waist to settle my hand on his hip, thankful that he was only six inches shorter than me. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me until we get you home and give you blood.” Dragging him towards the open door wasn't simple with how weak he was. He sidled up closely to my body, trying to stick as close to me as possible. I had anticipated for this to be a fuckin’ fiasco, but carrying a half-dead vampire out of a house only sounded difficult.

If Goldie was better at following directions, that is, which she certainly is not. The front door opened. Footsteps clacked into the house, and at the same time that I cursed, Felix’s head flew back, eyes becoming more scarlet than slate. “Has Goldie always smelled like that?” he asked softly, inhaling through his nose. “She smells like the sunshine on freshly cut grass.”

Yellow hair came into view at the corner of the bathroom door, and I called for the nymph to stop. “Goldie. Outside. Now.”

“I wanted to make sure Felix— " she started.

“I know. Not now. You need to walk slowly out of here.” The muscles in Felix’s arm tightened against my shoulders; I tightened my hold around his waist. He was about to pounce like a lion on his prey, my best friend being the target. “Felix, get it together. You know Marigold. You know she isn’t a target.”

Besides, her "blood" was tree sap. It would have only pissed him off more.

The moan he gave could have made my toes curl if the situation was different. “But she smells so good. I’ve never noticed that she smells like sunshine.” He was facing me now, those fangs elongated and his lower lip trembling. “You have to get her out of here. I-I can’t control myself for much longer, Mew.” Exhausted eyes trailed to where Goldie was standing moments before, muscles coiling like a snake. “But one bite couldn’t hurt.”

Screwing my eyes shut, I knew the decision had to be made: me or Goldie. It wouldn’t be her. She was my best friend. She had never been bitten by a vampire before. The pain would be too much for her to handle, and I knew the scent Felix was talking about, like hot honey mingling with flowers. He wouldn’t be able to stop once he started and waiting to get him back to his cabin wasn’t an option. We wouldn’t have been able to get him back without him massacring everyone in the car.

I had to mentally prepare myself. For so long, I had spent time reassuring myself that vampires were these monstrous creatures that couldn’t be controlled. With Felix fighting every instinct in his body to rip out the throats of his peers, despite his hunger trying to take over and being bled out, I considered how badly my bias had impacted any sort of friendship that I could have had with him.

Letting my own claws grow, I pressed firmly into my left palm, the hand farthest from Felix. The nails pierced the skin so easily, blood founting and rising to the surface, coating my hand in its sticky glory. Next to me, Felix’s whole body tensed, then shivered, that groan coming from him again. “Mew, why?” he murmured, no longer preventing the crimson in his eyes.

“Better me than Marigold. Come on, idiot. It’s all yours.” I was stuck in a house alone with a starving vampire while my best friend was safely outside. I was okay with my decision.

Felix’s tongue collected the blood from my hand, his eyes closed and eyebrows angled upwards. “Never had demon blood,” he whispered, voice watery, lips against my palm. The wound had already started closing, the only time I had ever considered this to be a negative to my healing abilities. “I-I want more.”

It was already too late for me to refuse him, figuring I was in too deep. At least I could lord this over his head for years to come. “Just. . .do what you need to.” I almost regretted the words when he grabbed my arm in both of his hands, and I steadied myself against the counter, the side of his body now pushing into my front, his mouth hovering over the artery. The trembling in his hands wasn’t dampened by how tightly he was gripping my arm.

“Fuck,” I hissed, Felix finally chomping down into my wrist, the blood immediately gushing to the skin from the contact with his fangs. He covered the wound he made with his mouth and sucked on the skin to get more blood to the spot, like I was a human straw. His tongue lapped at the blood coming from me, so enraptured with the taste that he didn’t notice that I was lowering us to the ground to settle us in a sitting position. I wasn’t going to stand around while he drained me.

After only about thirty seconds, he withdrew his mouth, the inside of my wrist bright red and smeared with blood. There were four puncture holes from both sets of canines, already beginning to heal. “Are you—”

“Still thirsty,” he murmured, adjusting his body so that he was curled up between my legs and slouching. “I-I’m so sorry, Mew, the wrist just isn’t –”

“Shut up before this gets anymore awkward,” I complained, already unbuttoning the first few buttons on my collared shirt, stretching out my neck for him like it was a freakin’ buffet.

“Fuck.” I don’t know what surprised me more: that he cursed or how gentle he was biting into my jugular, his fangs slicing into the skin just as easily as if it was a marshmallow. There was a stinging, followed by a painful burning from the nerves screaming at me to shove away the harm. Soon after, a rush of pain relief filled my throat, a coolness crashing over the skin the longer Felix drank from me.

Electricity surged through me when he took a particularly long sip, a tingling zipping up my body, resting in my stomach, almost like my magic was going haywire. My ears popped. My fingertips burnt. Besides my magic reacting, my body itself was taking notice of what was happening.

A very not-me sound came from my throat when Felix sucked hard again, almost like a moan and a gasp had an uncharacteristic baby. In my stomach, near my groin, another feeling besides magic began to stir. “What the fuck?” I muttered to myself, knowing Felix was in no position to respond right now. I didn’t want him to. This was embarrassing enough already, to the point that I was high-key considering quitting my job after this to avoid the vampire stirring so many things inside of my body.

Several moments passed before he unlatched his mouth from my throat. My head was spinning, which I could only partly blame on the blood loss, and I felt as if I could have slept for a day or two with the onslaught of exhaustion that had settled over me, my eyelids heavy from sleep. The air had a stronger chill, and my neck was tender, a dribble of blood tickling the skin as it made its way to my collar.

My toes did finally curl and my hand instinctively tugged my shirt down over my lap when Felix’s tongue darted out to catch the lone line of blood. The vampires from two decades before definitely didn’t make me feel like this. “Are you okay?” he asked, voice like porcelain, avoiding my eyes. He readjusted himself again so that he was sitting across from me, back pressed to the open door, knees drawn up.

“I’m really fucking horny right now.” I cringed, snapping my eyes shut and baring my teeth. “I fucking said that out loud. What the fuck is wrong with me?” If I knew this is what would happen if Felix drank my blood, I would’ve just let the bastard starve. That served me right for trying to be nice.

“That’s normal.” His face was flushed, the blood in his system giving him the fresh color. “My saliva secretes hormones into your system to make the blood-taking more enjoyable for you, so you’re more prone to feel arousal at it. I-If it makes you feel better, you. . . aren’t alone. After vampires drink excessive quantities of blood, the blood flows better into our system, and if it’s taken from a human, or in your case, human-like victim, it can also, um, be enjoyable for us.” Redness lined his cheeks in such a deep color that he almost looked alive.

“That’s fucking awful. Like I literally want nothing more than to bend you—” He slapped his hand over my mouth, his expression warning me to not say another word. I wanted to lick his hand.

“Shut. Up.” Giving me a moment to clear my head of the risqué thought, he leaned back from me again, not as balled up this time, and he was studying me the same way I was doing to him, his eyes bouncing around to different parts of my face and torso, as if he was checking that I was okay. His lips were slightly parted as usual, the bottom lip fuller than the top lip. It was almost plush.

“How do your lips feel?” I mused absentmindedly, my arm reacting of its own to reach towards him.

“Bartholomew,” he snapped, a stern look rising to his face. “You’ve lost a large amount of blood and aren’t thinking right. Get it together.” I enjoyed that I was the reason his voice was wavering.

“You should be thrilled that I’d rather fuck you than fight you right now.” The holes in my jugular were already beginning to close, erasing any obvious evidence of what he did. The tightness in my jeans had a different story.

“You’re disgusting. I’m your boss.”

“I let you drink from me, dammit!”

“And I’m regretting it already.” Closing his eyes, he rubbed his temples. The veins in his arms weren’t as obvious anymore, while the gouges were beginning to heal finally. “Thank you, Mew. I know that was difficult to let me drink from you, but it means so much to me.”

I sighed, forcing myself to think of family vacations and my cats and the stack of boxes waiting for me at the new house. My body was beginning to return to normal, albeit with a mild pain. “It’s whatever. Let’s get you back.”

“Um, you go ahead. I need a minute.” Turning his head away from me, I caught his drift from how low his voice became.

Nodding, I pulled myself up by the countertop. “Sure, sure. Thinking of cold showers typically helps. Speaking of, you may want to clean the blood out of the tub before we go.” I winked at him before leaving him alone, hating myself for allowing him to have such an impact on my physical being like that. Turned on by a vampire drinking my blood is a statement I never thought I’d have to confront. Because of that, I had to keep repeating to myself that it was from the hormones in his spit. Just hormones in spit. Spit hormones. Spit hormones that made me begin to question if it really was just horny spit hormones.

Even with Goldie driving, we still didn’t get to Felix’s cabin until two that morning. Getting Felix out of the tub and finally into the car took about twenty minutes, added onto the fifteen minutes it took to replace a gas station that wasn’t sketchy in East Bumfuck Georgia.

The lights in the cabin were all on, and Cadence’s sedan was parked out front. We found my sister sprawled across Felix’s couch, Hades perched on the back of it, both of them fast asleep. Felix smirked and covered her with the throw from his armchair. “You guys can stay here tonight. I’m sure you don’t have your beds set up at the new place,” he offered, toeing off his shoes.

He was talking to me directly. That made my stomach jerk. I didn’t like that.

“I’m sure Cade didn’t do shit once we left,” I quipped, needing to keep my regular attitude. Conceal, don’t feel I reminded myself. Except this time, it was for something besides pure anxiety. “We can sleep on our air mattress, though. Don’t let us intrude.”

“You’re fine. Really.” His voice was insistent. Maybe it was my imagination. Not like I wanted to be imagining things because of the implications.

I hated horny spit hormones. Regret filled my bones, knowing that I had done this to myself when I allowed Felix to drink from me.

“Well if you two are done figuring out sleeping arrangements,” Madeline started, already beginning to unbutton her blouse, “I’m going to go take a shower and get changed. Felix?” She bobbed her head towards the guest bedroom and raised an eyebrow.

Felix barely cast her a second look. “I’m also going to go shower. Goldie, could you please go into the fridge and –”

“I got you,” my partner responded with a nod, heading into the kitchen and opening the fridge, retrieving a pack of blood, packaged in the blood bank capsule. “Madeline, would you like some, too?”

“Sure.” Madeline’s voice was low, annoyed. This, I did like, and it wasn’t just because of spit hormones. She deserved to be let down after all that she did with Felix. She deserved worse than disappointment that he was trying to move on from her. This was the first time seeing her since I learned about what she tormented Felix with, and all of that hatred and fury that had filled me up two weeks before was coming back into my system.

“Make sure hers isn’t heated all the way,” I said softly to Goldie, stepping up behind the nymph as she microwaved two cups of blood. Madeline had slipped into the guestroom, and Felix safely made his way upstairs. “How do you heat it up anyway?”

“Two minutes, stirring every thirty seconds,” she responded, removing the whiskey glasses to mix them with a spoon after thirty seconds had passed. “Felix taught me how in case anything like this ever happened.” She sighed and put her hands on the counter once the blood was back in the microwave. “Are you doing okay? You didn’t say much on the way here. Maybe you should go lie down.”

I ran a hand through my hair and closed my eyes, thinking about that. Other than some blood loss, I thought I was good. Any wounds that Felix had caused were already closed up and healed. My heart had stopped thumping as loudly as it was earlier, and my hands weren’t as sweaty. Now they were just mildly damp, my stomach was in a loose knot, and my throat was clenched only the slightest. That was usual for me. “Yeah, I think so. He didn’t take too much from me.”

“I don’t mean just physically, you know.” The microwave beeped again, and she repeated the process of stirring the contents of the cup. “That was really brave of you to let Felix do that. Extremely stupid, but brave.” Her chlorophyll-colored eyes adjusted themselves on me, a toying smirk on her lips. “Very sweet of you.”

“Oh, shut up,” I hissed, furrowing my eyebrows. “It was either you or me, and I sure as fuck wasn’t going to let him touch you.” Replaying the events in my head, I knew that it was the only option that made sense. If he was going to have to drink from someone, it had to be me. I think.

“You spent twenty whole years hating vampires and swearing up and down that they were horrible and bloodthirsty and awful, yada yada yada. And then you let him drink from you without much of a second thought.” The thick, tangy odor of blood was beginning to permeate the air. “I’m just saying, it’s a little romantic.”

I rolled my eyes so hard that my skull hurt. “You’re doing the thing again,” I muttered.

“What thing? Thinking of how you could use yourself someone stable and kind?”

“The thing where you and Cade do that plotting bullshit. He’s my boss, and I have to keep you safe. If I weren’t in the picture, you would have been the one to feed him. It’s not more complex than that.” Spit hormones sounded off in my head, and I forced myself to think of literally anything else on Earth. Maybe Goldie was right. I should have been laying down by now. My eyelids were sore from how heavy they were. I also wanted to forget about the events that led to me being haunted by the impact of horny spit hormones.

“Whatever you say.” Goldie gave the two glasses one last stir, then handed me one. “Go take this up to your boyfriend.”

“I’m going to throw this on you,” I threatened, cradling the blood carefully in my right hand. She gave me a thumbs up and a sarcastic expression, then shooed me along. Every step up the stairway made my stomach tighten like my intestines were being braided. I wanted to vomit. Somehow, I had both chills and clammy hands. I didn’t like this. Conceal. Don’t fucking feel.

When I was greeted by a closed door, I almost exhaled too loudly, relief filling me. Maybe he was still in the shower, giving me a chance to turn around and go back downstairs. The sound of a drawer opening inside of the bedroom made me roll my whole neck out of dramatic annoyance. “This is some bullshit,” I whispered to myself, the tip of my sneaker kicking lightly into the door. “Knock, knock, delivery.”

“Just a moment,” came Felix’s voice from inside the room. A moment was all he really needed, opening the door adorned in flannel pajamas and messy wet hair. His bedroom smelled of oak, cinnamon, and pine, earthy fragrances that I associated with him. He held his hands out for the blood and gave a stiff smile when I handed it over to him. “Thank you. You, uh, didn’t have to bring this up to me. I could have gotten it.”

I waved him off. “I was just hoping you’d still be in the shower.” My jaw tightened, and I shook my head. “I don’t mean. . . like just so I could leave this here for you and leave you alone. Not for, like. . .”

Raising his eyebrows and fighting off a smile, Felix stepped aside. “You wanna come in for a minute? Maybe talk about why you wish I was still showering?”

“I fucking hate you,” I hissed, stepping into the dimly lit room. He had recessed lighting along the perimeter of the room and a lit hearth in the corner, two wingback chairs and a coffee table flanking it. Again, those colors of fall radiated in the room, from the golden chairs to the burgundy bed set. Along the wall with his bed were two large bookshelves, containing masses of books and little trinkets he must have collected over the years, including a small TARDIS and miniature of the Millennium Falcon. The walls had black and white abstract art alongside framed vintage horror movie posters and a map of Europe that looked about as old as he was.

It was the epitome of Felix.

“You’re an absolute nerd,” I mused, mesmerized by his periodic table that had samples of each element in it. “I mean, really. So nerdy.”

He scoffed at me before taking a drink from his glass. “I warned you. With everything that went on after the war, I turned to comic books as a source of comfort and escapism. Then we advanced our computers and phones and had TV and went to the moon. Then the seventies hit with Star Wars, and I was just done.” He used his toe to tap on a wooden box on the bottom of his shelf. “This is full of original Superman and Captain America comics.”

I shrugged one shoulder. “Okay, that’s pretty sick. I had a few, but my mom threw a bunch away after I moved here because she didn’t realize they were worth some money.” I moved on to the map of Europe, studying the frayed edges and the geographical lines of each country. It contained a divided Germany and the USSR, and the Czech Republic was still Czechoslovakia. “I’m guessing this is original?”

“It is. I didn’t take much with me when I moved to America, but I thought a well-preserved World War Two map would be interesting.” Felix crossed his arms, still holding tightly to his blood, watching me curiously now. “I assume you aren’t staying in here to look at old maps, though. What’s on your mind?”

I hated that he saw through me easily. Biting the inside of my lip, I dropped into one of the highbacked chairs and crossed my ankles. “I, uh, I guess I wanted to make sure you were okay,” I admitted, leaning forward to place my elbows on my knees. He always made me feel like I could lower my guard. It was uncomfortable, a raw nerve being exposed for him to jab at, disguised as him seeming to genuinely care.

“You were worried about me?” he asked softly, moving to stand in front of the fire. He placed his drink on the stone mantle and turned towards me, hugging himself. Behind him, the flames lit him up so that he had a soft glow about him, the shadows highlighting his high cheek bones and dips in his long neck. Once again, he appeared vaguely ethereal, just like a week before when we sat out by the lake and he seemed almost fairy-like.

“Worried is a strong word,” I admonished, holding up a finger to stop him. “Concerned that I would have to get a new boss if you died, more like. It was my own well-being that I was panicking about.”

“Ahh, that’s why you let me drink from you: self-preservation. Makes sense.” He was teasing again. He enjoyed doing that to me, knowing how annoying it was. “Mew, be honest. Why did you let me do that? Why are you here right now?” His voice was tight, as if he was channeling his anxious energy into his words. It reminded me too much of myself, particularly now when my fingers began to grow numb and my mouth went dry.

“I don’t. . . I was being nice. I can leave anytime I want to, I just assumed you’d like someone to check on you.” Despite saying that, I knew I didn’t want to leave. Not yet. My heart was thrumming too heavily to go already. All I could think of was that I was getting tired of the tension that had filled the room, a feeling that had been there since the first sip of blood Felix had taken from me. Physically, I was fine. Mentally, I think I had crumbled too much.

“Y-You probably should go,” Felix finally said after a minute of silence. He had been standing there, watching me, waiting for something that I wasn’t sure I could deliver. I didn’t know if I wanted to deliver.

Conceal. Don’t feel.

“I don’t think I want to yet,” I admitted, lacing my fingers together to stop them from buzzing.

“Mew, I’ll be honest with you,” he started, turning towards the fire to prod the logs with the poker. “Me drinking from you has changed things. I want nothing more than to kiss you right now, and it’s not because of the blood or the hormones or anything like that.”

Stupid spit hormones again.

“Then do it,” I said, choking on my own words. I couldn’t breathe right. This was anxiety, brought on by bullshit feelings.

My throat closed up when his lips found mine, his body settled between my knees as he knelt on his own. Both hands held my face carefully, confident lips seeking permission to open mine. I wanted to hate this. Every nerve in me was saying, this is a vampire, get away, and I should have shoved him away, spat in his face, and left.

I pushed towards him, my hand on the back of his head, fingers in the black waves that were tauntingly soft, still wet from his shower. Tea leaves and oak warped my mind, his scent wrapping around my lungs, my hands seeking anywhere on him to touch and confirm that this was real. He was being far more chaste than I had anticipated, going no further once he had my lips opened, his hands never leaving my face or the tops of my thighs.

His breath tasted of blood and mint, and it transferred to my own mouth. I didn’t hate this, either. I didn’t hate any of this, not the way that I maneuvered myself to the floor without barely breaking contact or how Felix found himself in my lap, legs on either side of my waist and arms thrown around my neck. When he did finally break free of me, I felt empty, all the nervousness I had felt leaving my body at the same time he pulled away.

“Forgot you have to breathe,” he whispered, placing our foreheads together. I panted heavily to confirm that, yes, I still did have lungs that required oxygen.

“That wasn’t good, was it?” I breathed, swallowing hard. My lips were sore. It was nice.

“Well I guess you’ll have to try better next time, then,” he quipped, blinking slowly at me.

Shaking my head helped clear some of the bleariness. “N-No, the kiss itself was really fucking good. But kissing you. . .wait, hey, fuck you, I’m an excellent kisser.”

Those parted lips broke into a grin, and his hand hovered by my face, acting like he wanted to touch me again but didn’t know how far my boundaries would allow him to. I didn’t know anymore. “If you mean that I shouldn’t be kissing my subordinate, then, no, probably not. But I won’t tell if you don’t.” Realizing he was still settled on me, he rose to his feet and extended a hand out to me to help me up. I used the chair instead, my body tingling and my brain operating at a thousand miles a minute, running through the scenes of the past few minutes.

I let a vampire kiss me, just hours after having him drink my blood. Internally, I knew there would be a battle raging against myself, fighting between what I thought was right versus what I felt was right. Everything felt alright with Felix, even if I didn’t think it should have. “I, um, I’ll. . . downstairs, yeah.”

Disappointment briefly crossed his face, but he did the thing where he quickly recovered and nodded. “Yeah, of course. I should let you get some sleep.” His jaw was clenched, and he barely looked at me as he escorted me back to the door. “Goodnight, Mew.”

Allowing myself to be upset at how I had to walk back downstairs alone was hard. There wasn’t any reason to be as frustrated as I felt. I didn’t even like the guy. Loneliness and spit hormones had spurred that on. If just about anyone else had kissed me, I would’ve reacted exactly the same. It wasn’t because of Felix. I refused to let myself feel any type of way towards Felix.