Dating the Defensive Back (The Nash Brothers Book 1)
Chapter 53

Does Anybody Actually Know You

I glance up from where I’m focused on my leg curls when I see something out of the corner of my eye, and I spot Patrick waving his hands at me.

“Nash!”

I yank out an AirPod after I lower the weight. “What?”

“Are you okay?”

I blow out a frustrated breath. “Fine. Why?”

“I’ve just never seen you go this hard.”

“Yeah, well, we haven’t known each other that long.”

“I’ve also never seen you this grouchy,” he points out.

“I’m not grouchy,” I say. It’s a lie. I’m definitely grouchy.

“What’s going on, man?” he asks.

I sigh. “Nothing I want to talk about.”

“Okay. Well, I’m here, you know,” he says.

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“And I’ll be right here all season,” he adds. “It’s not like you can get rid of me. So you might as well get it off your chest so we can move forward.”

“I’m just going through some personal shit. It’s nothing to worry about.”

“Got it.” He presses his lips together and nods, and then he studies me thoughtfully for a beat. “You know, you’re one of those guys who seems like he’s everybody’s best friend, but does anybody actually know you? The real you, I mean.”

It’s a fair question, and the answer is complicated.

If anyone does, it’s Ava.

Beckett comes close, but given that I’ve been lying to him for the last four months about what’s really going on with his sister, I’m not sure I can still claim him on the people who know me well list.

He walks away, clearly asking a rhetorical question, but it’s the kind of question that kicks me clean in the stomach when I’m already down.

It’s the kind of question I’ll take some time to ponder.

Yeah, I can talk to anybody. I can entertain a room. I can make everyone feel like they’re my best friend.

But the vulnerable side of me locks a lot of myself away. Maybe it’s some small part in the back of my mind that thinks people only like me because I play football, or because I have money, or because I have connections.

It’s the part of me I refuse to acknowledge most of the time, but I’ve never heard that pushing away your real feelings is a solid way of dealing with things.

Except…it’s how I’ve dealt with things my entire life.

Until Ava.

I showed her the real me. Didn’t I?

Patrick’s words play on my mind the rest of the day. I’m not in any hurry to get home. I’m not interested in talking things out. I just want to bypass all the relationship shit and get to the season already, and it’s clear that she’s affecting me. If Patrick could see it, then anybody could, and I can’t let this take me down.

I also can’t go to camp in this frame of mind.

I need to fight for my starting position. I’m new here, and I need to use camp to prove that I belong here—whether it’s for one year or for ten.

Fuck, maybe I’ll keep playing past this year. Maybe I’ll love the Aces so goddamn much that nothing else will matter.

It’s what I tell myself, anyway. I need that internal motivation to get to camp and leave it all out on the field, and I can’t do that if half of my heart is still here struggling through the bullshit.

That’s what leads me to my decision.

It’s late by the time I get home. Admittedly, I stay at the gym far longer than I need to. I’m exhausted, and I treated myself to dinner solo after a shower at the gym.

But she’s still awake. She’s working on decorating those little mini cake things, and she’s beautiful. She’s smart. She’s talented. She’s everything.

But she can’t be mine.

I knew we were doomed from the start, and not just because of the lies. I knew we’d end up right in this moment—or maybe I manifested it because I so strongly believed in it. Regardless, here we are, and I’m about to fuck this up like I fuck up everything.

“Hi,” she says quietly.

“Hi.” I move across the room and wind up on the opposite side of the island from her, and it’s like we’re facing off.

She sets down her piping bag and sets her palms on the counter. “I took the test today. It was negative.”

I should feel relief at her words, but strangely…I don’t. I feel indifferent. “Oh. What took you so long to take it?”

She lifts a shoulder. “One part fear, one part knowing what the result would be. It was a literal flash through my mind when Kelly said she was. I never actually believed I might be. It was more of a scare since I’m new to this whole, you know…sex thing.”

“Right.” I press my lips together. “Well, I guess that’s good then.”

I feel her eyes on me, but I keep mine averted to the counter.

“Listen, I leave for camp in less than a week now, and I’m not focused. And when you’re not focused, you’re risking injury.” It’s a quote from a former college coach. “I can’t risk that when I’m new here.”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I need to end whatever this is between us.” I rush the words, as if I have to say them quickly to get them out. “I was supposed to protect you. I failed. But at least now we don’t have to lie to Beckett anymore.”

I glance up at her, and she’s clenching her jaw at my words.

“You can stay here for now, or whatever. Your rent is still paid up at the other house through the end of next month.” I shrug. I’m not sure how to say I would like for her to move out when I’m not sure in my heart of hearts that feels like the right thing.

“Why are you doing this?” she whispers.

I hear a sniffle, and I can’t look at her. I can’t glance up and see tears tracking down her cheeks. I can’t handle hurting her.

I thought this would be easier—that I could just walk away the same way I’ve walked away from every other relationship I’ve ever attempted.

But that’s the thing. She’s not every other woman I’ve ever walked away from.

It’s just because she’s my best friend’s sister. It’s just because there’s more at stake here.

I can justify it however I want. The fact remains that this is harder than I thought it would be.

“I’m doing it because we never belonged together, Ava. It’s only going to hurt more in the end if we prolong it.”

“We never belonged together?” she hisses. “Are you kidding me?”

I finally glance up at her and watch as she brushes away a tear. I blow out a breath. “You once said I wouldn’t have given you the time of day if I would’ve known who you were. I think maybe you’re right. I certainly wouldn’t have slept with you, and we never would’ve ended up where we are right now. We were always doomed to fail.”

“We’re only failing because you’re allowing us to. You’re running because you’re scared. I know you, Grayson. Maybe better than you know yourself. You love me, and I love you, and I refuse to believe that our love isn’t enough.”

I clear my throat. “Well, it’s not. For me, anyway.”

She nods and draws in a deep breath. “Okay. I’m not going to beg, and I’ve got a lot of work to do.” She picks up her piping bag and gets back to her desserts. “If it’s okay, I may stay while you’re gone for camp so I can use this kitchen since all my shit is here anyway. I’ll figure out a plan once you’re coming back.”

“Okay.” I watch her for a beat before I turn and walk out of the room.

Maybe it’s just her focus on her task since she has a big event she’s working on, but she seems okay with it. All of it.

But as I walk away toward the guest room I slept in last night, I’m not sure I am okay with it.

Any of it.