I Shouldn't Love Him
I Shouldn’t Love Him (Book 2) – Chapter 66

LAKE

For the second night in a row, Manning didn’t come to the dining room after lights out. Tiffany did – at least that meant she wasn’t with him. With Manning away, the boys had approached her all night like bees to honey or moths to a flame. That’s who Tiffany was to them, whether they knew it or not. A honeyed flame. A poor guy had been walking in circles for an hour, working up the courage to talk to him. Tiffany didn’t even notice.

Tiffany, Hannah and I sat in a circle on the floor with a few other counselors. Tiffany crossed her legs beneath her. “I don’t remember half of those guys from high school. It’s like they haven’t seen a girl in months.

“They probably spent four years thinking they would never get a chance to talk to you,” Hannah said.

“Most of them are geeks.”

She wrinkled her nose.

“I guess it can be sexy.”

I glanced around to make sure none of them were within earshot, then changed the subject.

“How was last night?”

She checked her makeup in her compact.

“Last night?”

“Your rendez-vous.”

“Oh.” She closed the mirror with a snap. “So good. So good.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

“Really?”

“Not even in a s****l way. Manning just made me realize that I had been dating boys all this time when he has men there.

“How?” It came out as a whisper, so I cleared my throat. “What did he do?” “

He threw this dinner just for me. We had a great conversation, where he opened up so much.

“About what?”

“Our relationship and all that.” She shook her head. “His sister died.

It came out quickly, like a thought after the fact or an unwarranted slap across the face. I couldn’t believe he shared that with her after I asked him about his family and he said he didn’t talk about it With someone.

He had had a little sister. And she was gone. His kindness to me, sometimes, could be almost brotherly, the way he didn’t smoke or swear in my presence. I couldn’t deny the attraction between us, but it made more sense, his sadness, his intensity, if he was a big brother without a little sister.

“Then he walked me back to my cabin,” Tiffany continued. “He never acted like I owed him anything. He was a gentleman, you know?

It sounded like Manning to me. A gentleman, someone who would never push me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. I wanted Tiffany to be treated well, but not enough to give her Manning.

“Can you be more specific?” I asked.

“He was trying to be polite at first.”

First. At the beginning “

So what?”

“That’s a lesson you’ll learn sooner or later, Lake, so it might as well be sooner. Men’s brains turn to mush with a little physical contact.

My chest rattled with every breath, collapsing in on itself. I didn’t even know enough about men to understand if getting physical could mean just one k**s or if it was always more. What I wouldn’t give for dinner with Manning. And then to be alone with him afterwards, to have our first k**s in the quiet darkness under the pines.

“I’m starting to like this place,” she said. “It’s romantic.”

I didn’t have a chance to ask for details. The boy who had been pacing like a predator finally pounced.

“Tiffany, right?” ” He asked. “We went…

“High School?” she asked.

His face lit up as he wrung his hands. He was definitely more prey than predator.

“Yeah! Do you remember. Armand Diaz.

If Manning didn’t come, I didn’t want to be here.

“You can sit here, Armando,” I said, getting up.

He took my place without a glance in my direction.

“THANKS.”

After saying goodnight to Hannah, I left the hallway. My tennis shoes barely made a sound on the forest floor on the way to my cabin. Bushes I couldn’t even see rustled. There were no lights, just a sliver of a crescent moon, but even that was blocked by trees. The frogs burped in unison at the edge of the lake.

I heard footsteps before I saw anyone. It annoyed me not being able to see who was there, what direction they were coming from. I turned around.

“Good morning . .”

“You don’t make a very good case for walking alone in the woods,” Manning said.

It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to his tall figure a few feet in front of me, in the shadows, but undeniably his.

“Have you never seen Friday the 13th?” he asked.

“No.”

“Is everyone in your family that stubborn?”

I wanted to make a comment about his family and how he betrayed me by telling Tiffany something that would have made more sense to tell me, someone who cared. But if it was true about his sister, a snide comment didn’t seem right.

“I’m not trying to be,” I said. “I didn’t want to stay in there alone.”

“you have your sister. Your friends are in there. you have Hannah.

I wish Tiffany would treat me like a friend instead of a pest. Now I didn’t care that I was where Manning wasn’t. I glanced at the ground.

“Why didn’t you come tonight?”

“I’m on patrol.

He hadn’t deliberately avoided me.

“Can I walk with you?” »

He hesitated.

“It’s not really a two-person job.”

“I’m not ready to go to sleep.” Please?”

“I’ll walk you back to your bunk, but we can take the long way.”

He passed me and I turned to follow him in the opposite direction of my cabin.

“Have you had a good day?” “We need to be quiet. I

don’t want to wake the kids. ” Did

you have a good day? ” Yours?” “I had a target during archery.” “Yeah?” He looked impressed. “I practiced a lot last year. I shrugged my shoulders. “That was my first target, though.” “I would have liked to see it.” That was a pretty cool thing in itself, but knowing that Manning thought it too made me proud. We walked a little longer in silence, I glanced at him furtively. As my eyes adjusted, I noticed a paperback in his pocket. “have you started your father’s list yet?” » I imagined him asking me several times since my last visit to the library. I wasn’t sure I was brave enough to say what I wanted, but it helped that he couldn’t see me blushing. “Not yet. I decided to take your advice and check out a book that’s not on the list. “Oh yeah? Which?” Despite the cool mountain air, my body grew warmer, for once I said what I had chosen, it would be obvious why. “Lolita” Manning did not respond. My heart beat in my throat,

” You know him ? »

“Yeah.”

“It’s about-”

“I know what it’s about. And I don’t want to talk about it.

I could almost understand why Manning interrupted so many of our conversations when people were around, but we were alone now, away from everyone. I kicked a rock. Manning must have thought I had tripped, because he reached out to grab my arm.

“What a surprise,” I said, walking away.

“Something you don’t want to talk about.”

I felt his eyes on me, but I refused to look up.

“I talk to you about a lot of things, Lake. More than anyone.”

“Liar.”

“Sorry?”

“Nothing,” I muttered. “

You called me a liar,” he said.

“Can’t you say it’s nothing .”

He waited, which I wasn’t sure about. I wasn’t going to apologize, because it was true.

“I’m seeing a new side of you lately,” he said .

“How was your date with Tiffany?”

“Ah. Is that what this is about?

“No. It’s just a question.”

“The date was good, thanks for asking.”

“

“did you k**s him?

It was none of my business, and I hadn’t planned to ask because I wasn’t sure what the point of knowing was. But I had to do it. I wanted to hear it from him, not from Tiffany, who was exaggerating when it came to these things. At least I was pretty sure she did.

“I told you yesterday,” he said, “this is between your sister and me.”

I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. I was afraid he would admit they kissed. I was afraid he wouldn’t, leaving me to fill in the blanks.

“Then that’s a yes. You kissed. Maybe you did other things too.

‘Lake,’ he warned sharply.

‘I know you talked about your sister Tiffany,” I blurted. “Why not me? She doesn’t even care.

He inhaled sharply.

“It was private.”

“Sisters tell each other everything.”

“Did you tell him about me?” Does she know that you and I spend time together like this?

Of course, I hadn’t told Tiffany about us. She would ruin everything by calling me childish or teasing me for having a crush. He had made his point.

“No.

Somehow I instinctively knew who he was talking about. Everyone who wasn’t us.

“You’re no closer to Tiffany than you are to me.”

“How do you know that?”

“Tiffany and I are friends in a different way than you and I, Lake. Our friendship progresses differently. It means something else.

“It is not fair.”

“Why not?” He waited, but I didn’t answer.

“Would you rather I break up with her?”

I opened my mouth to shout yes! But did I want this? Tiffany wouldn’t mind too much – it was much more important to me than to her. That made it right.

“Are you saying you love her?” He scratched the back of his neck and answered slowly, as if choosing his words.

“I love Tiffany for a lot of reasons. But maybe there’s something about her that brings it all together. Like glue.”

“Which thing?”

“It’s not something I can really put into words.” He looked over my head and around. “Let’s just say it’s because she makes me laugh. If I broke up with her, I’d miss laughing. You know?”

I frowned.

“No. She’s probably not the only person who makes you laugh.

“But let’s say she was. Let’s say I was laughing when Tiffany wasn’t there, that would be… people wouldn’t understand.

“So you wouldn’t laugh at all? Because of what other people thought?

“Part of me doesn’t think it’s appropriate to laugh either, Lake.”

Appropriate – I’d heard that word from her before leaves. Laughing wasn’t appropriate just like our friendship wasn’t.

“I think I understand.”

“I haven’t told you about my sister because I would never lie to you.” “

What do you want “

He stopped walking when we reached a wooden fence that ran along the perimeter of the camp pool. We weren’t really near the cabins anymore, which made me wonder if he was telling me?” hadn’t brought here on purpose. He looked up, feet apart, hands in the pockets of his jeans, forearms outstretched. I could tell he was thinking, his eyes distant, but what, I didn’t care. wasn’t sure. Maybe I asked too many questions and he was about to send me back to my cabin.

“can you jump?” He asked.

I realized he wasn’t looking away but at the pool. There were only two entrances: the gate on the other side and the changing rooms and showers. Both were locked at the end of each day.

I had no idea if I could get through the enclosure, but I said, “Yes.”

Leaves crunched under Manning’s feet as he surveyed the area. He motioned me over to the fence and lifted me up the way he had hoisted me up the wall the day we met. I straddled him, jumping over the side. Manning followed right after, landing heavily on the concrete deck. He brushed his jeans.

“No trees here,” he said. “It’s one of the best places to see the stars.”

I couldn’t remember the last time I looked at the stars, really looked. There were too many to count, a splatter of silver paint on indigo. At home, I barely noticed them, but when I was little, Mom taught Tiffany and me about the constellations. I pointed, drawing in the sky.

“Little Bear.”

“It’s the biggest one,” he said, moving closer to me.

He stenciled his own square. “It’s part of Ursa Major, which means Big Dipper.”

I looked at Manning, a bear of a man. My big bear. “The Big Dipper,” I repeated.

He moved his index finger. “There’s the little one. You can tell by the North Star. My sister made the same mistake. Until she knew more than me, that is. I could feel her there, a presence between us, and I knew the reason we were here had to do with her . She was part of the side of him that lived in the shadows – a secret, but not just any secret. One that belonged to Manning, one that I wanted to keep for him. “Did you do that with her?” “

When our parents fought, I took Maddy…” He stumbled over her name. As he recovered, I tried it in my head. Maddy “I would take him out on the lawn and make up stories about the constellations. I didn’t know anything, but she started reading books about them. He swallowed. The emotion in his voice was new to me, and he swore, something he had never done in my presence. “Soon,” he continued, “she was the one telling me stories.”

“How old was she?”

“Only nine. When she died.”

I audibly sucked in air. I wasn’t sure what I expected him to say, but nine seemed so young. That was the age of the girls in my cabin. I was nine years old seven years ago. Apart from a great aunt, I had never known anyone to die. I couldn’t imagine my life without my sister. My childhood would have been completely different without Tiffany, especially if she had disappeared in the middle of it. Poof, I tried to replace a way to express my sympathy, to make this moment easier for him. I couldn’t touch him, not that I knew where or how. I’m sorry for your loss, it was just the worst thing I could say.

Maybe talking about his life, instead of his death, would help. “Would you like to tell me about the stars?” I asked. I could feel his pain from where I stood. I pulled on his arm and sat right there on the concrete. There was no grass in sight, just that and the pool. It seemed like a big deal for someone his size to sit on the floor, but he did it. We both lay down, some distance separating us.

“I don’t remember them all.” His voice was muffled. It could have been his grief, but I was pretty sure he kept his tone low in case anyone walked by. They wouldn’t know we were here if they hadn’t heard us. “It’s been a long time since I looked at the sky very carefully,” he said.

I could feel my elbows and shoulder blades on the concrete. I wanted to hear about the stars, but I couldn’t stop trying to imagine it. “What did she look like?”

“The opposite of you.”

“You told me once I reminded you of her.”

“You do. She was smart and kind. I always saw the best in people. She was the only person who loved me as I was.

Despite the mildness of the night, I got chills. Not the only one, I want to say. I love you. But the thought of saying it out loud made my heart race and my tongue shrivel. I wondered if I would ever be able to admit it. Maybe -maybe he knew, though. Maybe that’s how he thought I was like her.

I ran my hand along the hot concrete, towards him.

“She had black hair, like me ” he said. “Dark eyes. We looked a lot alike, except you could tell there was a whole universe behind his eyes. Manning could be like that. As if he lived in two different worlds, sometimes half present in this one. “How old would she be now?” “

Seventeen. I can’t even imagine it.

I did the math. “You were fifteen?

“Yes.”

Silence stretched between us. It didn’t seem right to ask how it was. had happened. I wanted him to want me to know, to tell me. To give me something he hadn’t given anyone else, especially not Tiffany. The longer we looked at the sky, the more I realized he wouldn’t. And what did that mean? Didn’t he trust me?

Finally, he pointed to the sky again. “There he is. I was trying to replace the three stars that make up the summer triangle.

I looked for the ones he was talking about. “Or?”

“It’s not a constellation, but three stars from other constellations. The brightest is the bottom one. Altaïr. About a foot away is Vega. In the middle is the Milky Way. See? “

I still couldn’t replace them, but he looked so hopeful, I didn’t want to ruin it. “I think so.”

“I can’t tell it the way Madison did, but it was her favorite story. There are different versions, but Altair and Vega represent lovers from different sides of a river or the Milky Way. They married behind their parents’ backs and his father punished them by separating them.

“With the river?” “Yes. They were only allowed to be together once a year, on the seventh night of the seventh month. The Japanese have a whole festival in July. There was no bridge, so as long as the night was clear and it didn’t rain, the birds would carry Vega across the river to Altair for that night.

Of all the stories Manning could have chosen, there must be a reason he chose this one to tell me. I had heard about star-crossed lovers in English class. Perhaps that’s where the term comes from. People tried to separate Manning and me because of our age difference, but we had this: the stars, the lovers, the night.

“And the third star?”

“What?”

“You said it was a triangle.”

“Oh.” His eyes scanned the sky. “I don’t know.”

“So the story is about Altair and Vega. It’s not really a triangle at all.

He raised his hand to make three points. “They’re all here, Lake. I can’t move the stars .

“But the other one has nothing to do with it, right?” He must have heard the panic in my voice. It was hard to miss. “It’s about Altair and Vega. Just them.”

He looked at me. “Yes. It’s about them.

My heart started beating. Hope lived strongly within me, and I knew that with those words alone, it did the same for him. It was a promise. Either way, the story would only be about us. I rubbed my knuckle against his to acknowledge what I couldn’t say. Was holding hands physical? What would Manning do if I put my skin to his and asked what I wanted? What if, like Tiffany, I used touch to get it? I propped myself up on my elbow and looked at him. My hair fell forward, a curtain around us.

“Lake,” he said – a plea? A warning? I couldn’t say it.

I looked at his mouth. I had dreamed of him, of the things he couldn’t tell me, of his lips, which couldn’t k**s me. We were alone, finally. He told me in so many words that one day, we would cross the river towards each other.

I bent over.

He put a hand on my shoulder, stopping me. “We can not.”

He told me no. Again. Like everyone else, he thought he knew better than me. Didn’t he see that it wasn’t true? That some things were bigger than good and evil, bigger than us Hot tears pierced the back of my eyes. “Why not?”

“It’s like that.” He placed his hand on my cheek and I leaned against his palm. “That will have to be enough.”

I shook my head. “I’m not a child, Manning.”

“I know you’re not. But at your age, it can be hard to think beyond the moment. Consider the consequences. The future.”

“All I do is think about my future.”

“And you are going to do and be great things. You’ll fly far, Birdy. See places most of us will never see. He moved my hair behind my ear. “I’m counting on it.”I didn’t want to fly without Manning. I was happy to stay here on the ground with him, learning about the stars, but he stood up, forcing me to do the same. We got up.

Suddenly, the night’s reverie dissipated, giving way to the shameful truth – I had tried to k**s him, and he had said no. However, he had gotten “physical” with Tiffany. What did that mean? Could there be something bigger than my love for him, something big enough to swallow?

My vision blurred with tears. I still didn’t understand the summer triangle. There wasn’t even a cloud in the sky – I just couldn’t replace the stars.

Manning turned away from me and walked to the fence.

It wasn’t fair. I saw it first. I had it first. But was I losing it?

Was I losing him to Tiffany?