I Shouldn't Love Him
I Shouldn’t Love Him (Book 2) – Chapter 68

Manning

Lake was exactly as I left it. Foot on the seat. . The way she sat, the leg of her shorts gaped. I wondered if she took them from Tiffany. I couldn’t see anything I shouldn’t, but it made me feel like shit.

I stuck the whiskey in the back and the key in the ignition. Lake turned on the radio. Janet Jackson lasted all the way to the end of the parking lot before I turned the station on to rock.

I’d started the week doing the best I could with what I had – a dull razor and cold water in a shared bathroom. Eventually, I gave up on shaving every morning. It made me think of Lake’s legs. I assumed the reason she hadn’t shaved that high was because she never wore anything that short.

The f*****g red light didn’t change and a few other cars stopped. Time was always slow when I needed it to be fast and vice versa.

Lake had only ever been sixteen to me. I couldn’t get out of that parking lot. Slow

This rare moment alone with her would end before it began. Quick

What’s a few more minutes when our time was up anyway? I could tell the counselors that I had car problems or something. I did not care.

I gave up on crossing the lane, reversed and found another exit to a side road. It turned into a narrow alley, but with some maneuvering we arrived at a residential street.

Lake made no comment on his path. She just used the truck’s hand lever to roll down her window and walked away from me. I turned up the music.

Lake looked over. “It’s Pink Floyd.”

I raised my eyebrows, impressed. “I thought you didn’t know them.”

“I do now. I bought some of their CDs from Tower Records,” she said. “I like their album covers. Dark Side of the Moon It’s a good name.

Well, that was something. I had introduced him to one of the greatest bands of all time, “Wish You Were Here”, one of the greatest songs of all time, and it could never be bad. We didn’t speak for one moment. I also rolled down my window to cool off. The neighborhood was dark, not a street light on any corner. Every few houses or so had a light on, but that was it. It was a beautiful place. Fancy, two-story houses. Bright white garages, custom mailboxes, and manicured green lawns. I wondered what it would be like to live here and be home. I felt a little bad about picking up this growler so late, so I slowed down and turned off the headlights. My vision acclimated quickly, and it made it even more peaceful.

Lake had his window all the way down now. She stuck her head and part of her torso outside. Her long blonde hair was flying around her and she had to push it out of her face. “You can see all the stars here too,” she said. “I’m looking for the Summer Triangle.”

I smiled to myself and looked through the windshield. I couldn’t see it, or maybe I didn’t want to take my eyes off her long enough to replace it. Carefree as she looked right now, the outfit and her confidence tonight reminded me that what Tiffany said was true. Lake was not a child. She would soon be eighteen. It didn’t mean anything to me, really. I would never be the kind of man she deserved. But it made my heart race a little, thinking of her body as I thought of her mind – something belonging to a young adult rather than a teenage girl. We drove in that direction for a while, miles below the speed limit. I told her we were going slow because I liked driving without the headlights on, but the truth was I wanted a few more minutes with her. No sneaking around. No checking over my shoulder. Well, just her and me, not doing anything wrong, just being.

Eventually, the residential maze spit us out onto a main street, and I had to turn the headlights back on. Lake sat back in her seat, partially rolled up her window, and got the kind of silence that made me wonder if she was upset.

I shifted gears going up the hill back to camp and looked over to check on her. Whatever had changed her mood, I suspected there was nothing I could really say to comfort her.

Lake gasped. I turned my gaze to the road as something rushed in front of the car. Slamming on the brakes, I reached out to Lake, keeping her in her seat as I swerved to miss the animal. The truck shook, too heavy to stop so quickly, but I steered it off the highway.

“What was that?” she asked, out of breath.

I looked at her. My hand was on his shoulder. “How are you?”

“I’m fine. He looked like a dog.

“Coyote. It must have been.

We sat for a while, catching our breath. What the hell was I doing here anyway? What if we’d had an accident and I’d had to explain why I had a sixteen-year-old daughter and two pints in a truck that didn’t belong to me?

“It was a rush,” she said. “A rush? No. No, that wasn’t the case. I was about to walk away, but she stopped me, spreading her fingers on the top of my hand. His was whiter than mine and probably half the size.

“It was a rush,” she said. “A rush? No. No, that wasn’t the case. I was about to walk away, but she stopped me, spreading her fingers on the top of my hand. His was whiter than mine and probably half the size.

“Should we go back?” she asked.

The more I tried to ignore his soft palm on my skin, the harder it got. I needed to remove my hand. It wasn’t like she could hold me against my will. “We’ve been gone long enough,” I said.

“But I do not want to.”

“I know not. That’s why we went for a drive. But this… you’re not supposed to be here, and it’s not even about camp. In general, you shouldn’t be here right now.

I only heard his breathing. She took her hand away, and so did I.

“No one even knows I’m gone.” She unbuckled her seat belt. “Come on. I see water.

“Lake, no.”

With what must have been a sudden burst of strength, she opened her door and jumped out of the truck.

“Come on. Come back.

“I just want to see. Maybe stick my toes in.

F**k Barefoot, she headed into the darkness. I fumbled with my seat belt, barely remembering to stop the engine before jumping. “Lake “The trees were thick around the highway and my voice echoed through the woods. I couldn’t see the shit. I strode down a soft dirt hill, which opened up to a vast body of black water . The moon was just a sliver rippling across the lake. When I saw her near the shore, I let out a breath I had been holding. She took off her shorts. My stomach hurt , a warning. No way she was going in there. You couldn’t see your own foot in that lake. With her

back to me, in white panties and a t-shirt, she waded like a water nymph, shining on a black background.

“Come on, Lake.” My heart was beating. I had warned her about the water. “I’m not kidding. You don’t know what’s in it.

“Fish?” She smiled at me over his shoulder. My gaze, the water, her hair, everything moved with her as she slid deeper. When the waterline touched her h**s, she put one arm through one sleeve then the other.

I stood paralyzed as she took off her top. It was awkward, long, long enough for me to tell him to stop. She threw it a few feet from my feet. I went to pick it up, a piece of cloth that had been a necessary barrier between us.

I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t move. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to decide what to do. I had a lot of self-control, but I didn’t want to test it by taking off my pants. It wouldn’t be good to come back to camp in wet jeans either.

The lake continued. His hair began to disappear beneath the surface, chunks settling into his back. The memory scratched my brain like nails on a blackboard. Maddy—limp, soaked, white as a sheet—her wet hair stuck to my forearms and knees when I pulled her from the water onto my lap.

I tried calling Lake again. The words came out strangled. I took off my shoes and socks. Throwing off his shirt with his shorts, I walked straight in. The cold water bit, but it couldn’t move away from my reach.

She ran her forearms back and forth across the surface as she looked up at the sky, a small smile on her lips. “Show it to me again.” Summer triangle.

“No,” I cut in. When either of us moved, the water echoed in absolute stillness. “I know what you’re doing. I don’t know . . Do you think I want to go back? I asked. “I don’t know, but we have to.”

She turned on me, her euphoric expression replaced by frustration. “Why can’t you just stop being an adult for a minute?”

“Because I’m the adult.” One of us has to be.

She closed her mouth, jaw clenched, and dove head first into the water. The lake swallowed her without so much as a burp. She has completely disappeared. I took a step. Then another. I couldn’t see her. I couldn’t see anything but a ripple here and there, near and far. I spun in circles, heat rising in my chest as my legs froze, my breath coming short. “Lake?” I raised my voice. “Stop that.”

I tried to put Maddy out of my mind. It wasn’t the same, Lake was just having fun. But Maddy was so alive the last time I saw her and a few minutes later, completely lifeless. The image had haunted me for so long, always waiting in the back of my mind, even during the best of times. I had to put my mouth on my sister’s and feel nothing, breathe into nothing.

The seconds tick by. My lungs were not expanding. I would have gone looking for her if I had any idea where she was. She had been in less than ten seconds and could have swum anywhere. “Lake,” I shouted, angry. I pushed my hands underneath, grabbing anything. Something slippery brushed my leg. “Good God. Lake”

She popped up five feet from me, laughing, the faint moon transforming her into a shimmering, fluorescent mermaid.

“What’s the matter with you?” ” I asked. Rage vibrated every bone in my body. “Do you have any idea how dangerous it is here?”

She floated on her back, impassive, chattering her teeth. “I know you wouldn’t let anything happen to me.” It shook my confidence hearing that. She thought I could save her. The truth was, whether I wanted to or not, I couldn’t protect her from everything. Especially not that. But to explain why, I’d have to take it to a memory I’ve never shared if I could help it. I’d already had to tell the police and the jury enough times to break any man.

She spread her arms. Her breasts peeked through the surface, two wet, white cotton tips pointing toward the stars. My hands were trembling, my body too. Seeing how calm and open she was, my instinct was to go up to her, tell her shit for one night. Lake wasn’t as confident as she pretended to be. His inexperience shone through in his every move. One touch, and she would dissolve into a quivering mess. Wouldn’t it be better if that first contact came from someone who cares? Who would love it? I knew what I was doing, when to be gentle and when not to, and I would do it at his pace.

I tried not to see her since I gave her back her bracelet. As a child, my mother warned me against looking directly at an eclipse. I feared it would be the same for Lake. How did I come across others when I watched it? As captivated as I felt? Love ? Smitten? I didn’t want to look at her that way. Someone might notice. People suddenly became more perceptive about these things – a grown man carefully observing a young girl. Especially one like Lake, who was about to turn handsome.

But tonight, no one was there. I turned around, shielding my eyes, even though it was too late for that. I couldn’t watch. It was killing me.

As hard as it was, I got out of the water.

“Are you just going to leave me here?” she asked.

Never

But I had to do it. I put one foot in front of the other, fighting every urge to turn around, just to make sure she wouldn’t sink. She didn’t give me a choice. I was going to make an even bigger mistake than I had already made just by letting myself get into this situation. I walked past her rumpled clothes to the trees, but, unable to breathe without keeping my eyes on her, I turned and looked back. I tensed when I couldn’t replace it but a few seconds later my eyes adjusted. On the ground, she got dressed. Once I was sure she wouldn’t get back into the lake, I went to the truck, found some greasy towels behind the seats, and dried myself off. I sat and looked through the windshield. I couldn’t even bring myself to turn on the heating or the music.

After a few minutes, she trudged back to the passenger side door.

“What do you want me to do?” she asked when I looked over, her window still partly rolled down. “I’m soaked.”

Her nipples were hard, so I looked away and passed her a towel. It was dirty but better than being soaked. Once she had dried off a bit, she got into the taxi.

I put the key in the ignition, but the engine just ran. “Great.” I slammed my fist against the steering wheel. “It’s just great.”The whole bench was shaking with shivers. “I’m sorry,” she said.

Even though she was facing me, her shoulder and half of her back were pressed against the door, as far away from me as possible. She looked so small and breakable, tucked into a corner, the opposite of how she had acted just a few minutes ago. On her knees, she wrung her hands around something. She was breathing audibly, perhaps trying not to cry. In Out In Out The t-shirt clung to her breasts, highlighting them, the only two wet spots.

How could I stay angry? All she wanted was more time. I wanted the same. “I’m not crazy,” I said. “I worry. I worry so much, Lake.

“Why? I don’t understand.” His voice was tiny, frightened. “I’ve been swimming in the ocean since I could walk.”

I gripped the steering wheel, even though we weren’t going anywhere. The difference between Lake and everyone else I’d met over the past eight years was that I felt like his goodness might actually be enough to cure my ugliness. To fill the hole in me. I wanted to tell him. Knowing what I had been through meant knowing myself better than anyone since Maddy. I turned the key to see if at least the heater would turn on; he did it, with the radio. I turned down the volume and sat back in my seat. “My sister drowned while I was thirty meters away.” The words were foreign. Saying it out loud was as hard as I thought it would be.