Let Me Love You Again
Chapter 65

Brad

Three months before

I put the key in the lock and turned, opening the door to the apartment I had taken for the moment.

The space was dark, and I sighed as I entered with one box in hand and the suitcase in the other while pushing the other box with my foot. I had the rest of my stuff in the car, but I didn’t want to take it after a far from an easy trip.

On the other hand, it was late at night, and I could very well start unpacking from the day after I would not have started the new job until next week.

It made me so weird to be in this new city after spending most of my life in New York. However, after the various hospital cuts and knowing that I would be next on the list, this offer was what I needed.

The oncology department at the hospital was running out of nurses, and when I sent my résumé around, they were the first to respond. Of course, I had to move my life entirely from one city to another, but it was always better than being out of work.

I closed the door with a kick and went to what was supposed to be the kitchen and put the box on the table. After I got my phone and looked at the time, I didn’t think it was time to go shopping and cook, so I should get a pizza.

My background made my heart tighten. It was that picture that made me take that job; even though it made me stay away, I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

I immediately wrote a message to Sheila.

Just arrived. Are you okay?

All right.

That was always his answer. Things didn’t end well for her and me; that was true, but events had led us to be together, and I didn’t want to miss that opportunity again.

When’s your next visit?

I asked her as I left the apartment and locked it.

Three weeks. You don’t need to be there; I’ll send you the ultrasound photos.

I’ll make sure I’m there.

I immediately answered her without giving her time to reply.

Sheila and I had been together minor, only a few months, and we had broken up before Christmas; mine with her had been more a distraction than genuine affection. I had only fallen in love with one person in my life, and that person had left years before. All the other girls that had been there being just distractions. Even my last relationship, the most lasting one, was just a distraction.

Maya Sheppar. I hated having to admit it because I’d been with her for several years, an easy-to f**k, perfect girl. She made me laugh, and for a while, I’d forgotten the emptiness that was left when Lexi died. For a while, I had forgotten that suffering that seemed to be gripping my heart every time.

But I couldn’t keep it. Spending too much time with Maya made me wonder what my life would be like if Lexi was still alive. As I would have been, what choices I would have made and, inevitably, had brought me back into that spiral of pain that threatened to suffocate me every time so I found myself, in a sense, forced to take refuge in the legs of others.

I didn’t like to do it. I didn’t want to cheat her, but I didn’t want to leave her. I was selfish. Being with her had become my tranquility, my life, and the thought of not having her terrified me, as I was terrified of the commitment to have her. And I was an a*****e. I was a f*****g a*****e.

I had betrayed her, hurt her, abandoned her, and disgusted her.

I wasn’t proud of it. Not at all.

And I didn’t realize it until much later, and when I looked for her, she was gone. She disappeared into thin air, and for months I wondered where she went. To make amends. To make up for my mistakes. But she wasn’t there.

It wasn’t until I lost her that I realized how important she really was. I couldn’t see my life with Maya, but even worse without her.

And I had abandoned her. Repudiated after she told me she was pregnant. I had been an i***t and I had never forgiven myself. I had been afraid. Afraid it would happen again. Like it did with Lexi and our baby.

The day before they were there and the day after they were gone, both of them. I had lost them both and, out of sheer cowardice, I had lost Maya too. I pushed her away, and no one could know how much I regretted that choice.

I didn’t love Maya, or maybe I did, but I never would have loved her the way she wanted and deserved, but if I had been braver, I would have stayed for my baby.

And that’s what I was trying to do with Sheila. When she told me she was pregnant about a month ago, I didn’t run away. I immediately offered to help her, to make sure she had everything she needed. I even talked to a lawyer to give her a support check every month, to take responsibility. I didn’t want to fall into the same mistake twice.

I attended every visit, paid half the bill, and paid for everything she needed. That’s exactly why, when I heard that the hospital I worked at in New York was making further cuts, I immediately made a move and sent applications across the continent. I didn’t care how far.

Fortunately, I was able to get a place in a relatively close town and this way I would be able to go to the visits, and, once the baby was born, I would be able to arrange to see him or see her.

I left my building and followed the navigator on foot to go to the nearest pizzeria and get myself dinner.

I would have done anything not to make the same mistakes as before.