Love is Weakness. [1]
Guilt

Anastacia.

Eadon managed to escape. Avril’s pack have ceased the hunt to go home and bury her. I go along with them. Guilt washing over me everytime I see a sad face. Conan hasn’t spoken to me, not to anyone for that matter. But he always stays close to me and I stay close to him. When we get on the plane I sit next to him. Somehow I manage to fall asleep.

You killed me!

No no, please. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know Eadon would do this.

It’s because of you I’m dead.

Please, I’m so sorry. I’d do anything to get you back.

But you can’t...

A harsh shove wakes me up. My top sticks to my body, covered in sweat. For a second I can’t breath. I feel Conan push my head gently, urging me to lay on his shoulder. So I lay there, trying to breath in and out. After several minutes my breathing turns back to normal and I can finally think clearly again. Conan seems to notice because he moves back. Almost causing me to fall over. He was mad. I totally understand. I’m mad at myself too. I’m heart broken that she had to die because of me. Everytime I close my eyes I see her beautiful white wolf before me, her fur covering in blood. The longer I stare the more she changes untill she lays there naked with only blood as clothes. The pilot announces that we’re going to land in five minutes and I buckle up my seatbelt. When Conan doesn’t move to put on his I do it for him. He doesn’t respond, he doesn’t even move. Worry fills my heart, the guilt stabbing me once again. He saved me and now I will take care of him.

When the plane is landed we get out. Conan stands up, but doesn’t move. I take that as my que to stand up and move in front of him. The sun hits my face and I have to close my eyes a little to adjust to the light. When I open them again I see five cars standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for us. I don’t know which one we’ll take, so I wait untill Conan is down and walks to one of them. He opens a car door and waits. So I walk over to him, before getting in I look at his face. Torment is written on it pared with grief. He doesn’t look back at me, he just keeps staring over my head at nothing. I quickly get in and put on my seatbelt. The driver nods at me and when everyone is seated he takes off.

In the distance mountains rise. At the side of the road there’s a huge forest. It looks peaceful, calm. When I continue to stare out the window I see a squirrel running from one tree to another. I took this away from Avril.. Guilt hits me again and I look at my hands. I don’t deserve to see such beauty. For the remaining of our twenty minute car drive I keep looking down. Drowning in my own emotions I don’t even feel the car stop. My head jerks up when the car door at my side opens. We’re here.. For a second I doubt wheter to get out or not. But I know I have to take care of Conan. I push my guilt and regret aside and get out of the car. An older man walks up to Conan and hugs him, tears streaming over his face. At the sight of it I look down again. I caused this, this is my fault. Suddenly two arms grab me in a hug too. I manage to turn my head a little to the side and I see it’s the old man hugging me.

‘It’s not your fault.’ he whispers in my ear. If only he knew.. When he lets go of me I try to smile at him, but I know it looks weak. A tear escapes my eye and before it has a chance to fall on the ground I whipe it away.

‘Come, my friends. We are already preparing the ceremony.’ the man says. Conan follows him and I follow Conan. We pass a group of people waiting for us and just as we pass them I hear uncontrolable sobs. I turn my head to look at where it’s coming from. A women with the same ravenblack hair as Avril has her hand on her mouth while tears stream from her eyes like a river. I follow her gaze and see some of the warriors from Avril’s pack carry her coffin. Jackson is one in front, he walks with his eyes straight forward, tears falling without any sound. I quickly turn my head again and walk a little faster to keep up with Conan. This is all my fault..

When we arrive at what I assume is the packhouse Pops (as everyone calls him, I assume that’s his name) shows us to a room. He leaves us and for a minute I’m not sure wheter I should follow him for my own room or stay with Conan. I stand there unsure. Conan starts undressing and I can’t help but stare at his beautiful body. When he has nothing on but his boxers he gets in bed. I nod at myself and undress too. I walk over to the window to close the curtains and get in the bed next to Conan, making sure I don’t touch him. After a couple of minutes I can hear that Conan’s breathing is off. I turn my head to him and see his shoulders shock. Before I think about my actions I turn around and hug him from behind. Tears now silently falling from my eyes too. We lay there for Goddess knows how long before I drift off to sleep.

I wake up to a heavy weight on my stomach. I move my hands towards it and feel soft fuzzy hair. Conan has swifted.. I put my hands on his head and softly pet him. His breathing is steady and he doesn’t stir. Sleeping through my petting.

‘I’m so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I was so afraid, I didn’t know who to trust. I killed her, I killed her and I understand if you’ll never forgive me for it. I don’t forgive myself either.’ I whisper to him. Suddenly he rolls to his side. He puts his nose under my chin and whimpers. I put my arms around his neck and hold him tight.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You’ll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away…

I softly sing to him the song my mother has sang me a thousand times. I keep repeating it over and over again, untill Conan stops whimpering. His head moves from underneath my chin to my shoulder. I hear the soft sounds of bones cracking. His body becomes smaller and slowely the hair disappears. Conan is now laying on me, completely naked if I may add. But I ignore the fact that he's naked. I keep petting him through his hair. After a few minutes he lifts his head to look me straight in the eyes. His eyes are soft and filled with love, but before I can look at him the same he rolls off of me and gets up. He disappears in what I assume is the bathroom and I hear the shower turn on. I'm the reason he feels like this.. This is my fault..

I stay in bed untill he's done. He comes out completely dressed, which makes me wonder if my bag is in the bathroom too. He sits on the bed and stares ahead again. All the calmness from not even half an hour ago vanished. I quickly walk into the bathroom and see that there's a bag of clothes in my size. He must have taken some clothes at Eadon's house. When I'm in the shower I allow myself to think of Eadon. As much as I hate him for what he did, I still worry. He was pretty hurt too. I don't want two people to have died because of me. After my shower I quickly dry and with the towel still around me I poke around the corner to see if Conan is still in the room. He is, he is still sitting on the bed where I left him, still staring at the same spot on the wall. I put on a black tight longsleeve dress with black leggings and black heals. Today is the ceremony for Avril.

When I walk out of the bathroom Conan immediatly gets up and walks out the door, me once again following him around like a lost puppy. We somehow get to the kitchen in this maze of a house and Conan grabs a plate. He puts some food on it thats in pans on the stove and puts it on the table. He sits on the opossite side of the table. I look from the plate at him. I know he wants me to eat this, but he needs to eat too. I walk around him and fill his plate with the same foods that are on mine. Some fruit, pancakes, waffles and toast. I open the fridge and replace a pack of orange juice. When I replace two glasses I put orange juice in each one of them. Giving Conan his food I keep one glas for myself. I sit in front of my plate and look at him, waiting 'till he starts eating. It takes him several minutes and one angry glance my way but he finally eats. When I take the first bite of my food I suddenly feel how weak my body is. I didn't realize I was hungry up untill now. We eat in silence, like we did everything in silence the last couple of days.

A door in the kitchen opens and Pops comes in. 'Goodmorning' he says to both of us, but neither of us responds. He turns around to face me, staring in the back of Conan. Then his eyes go up and he looks at me. I nod at him and a weak smile once again comes over my face.

'Leave.' Pops says while still looking at me. I stand up and just as I'm about to walk away Pops stops me. 'Not you, him.' This earns him a glare from Conan but he doesn't go against it. He says nothing as he stands up and walks away. Looking at Pops now gets me nervous. I should have a million things to say, but nothing I say or do will ever bring her back or soften the pain. So I just stare at him, waiting for him to tell me what he wants.

'I know you feel guilty. The sorrow of regret that once reflected in my eyes is now reflecting in yours. Now reflecting in Conan's. Neither of you is responsible for her death. Avril would want to go down fighting. She would have done everything for Conan and everything for his Luna. Their bond is one that goes deeper than any other bond I have seen next to the bond of a Mate. He will need you. He might not say it, you might not see it, but he needs you. The reason he hasn't fallen apart completely is because of you. You are his Mate, the one who gives him strength even when he wants to give up. I sincerly hope you will not let him down. But I want you to know above all that, it's not your fault.' Every word that comes from his mouth makes a cut in my already bleeding heart. Without even realising tears are once again wetting my face. It is my fault.

'You don't know what happend.' I say with a sob. 'I protected him, I protected Eadon. I stood there with my back against him, trying to shield him from her. Never knowing I should have shielded her from him. She died, because I blocked her vision. Because I stopped her. She died because I protected the wrong one.' I expect Pops eyes to turn into hate, I expect him to kick me out and tell me to never come back again. Instead he pulls me in his embrace.

'You didn't know, child. You woke up in this world. Not knowing what to believe, not knowing what to feel. We know that, Conan knows that too. Deep down he knows. It was not your fault.' Relieve washed over me temporarily. But then Conan's dead eyes flash through my memories, the cries he let out when he held her in his arms. This is my fault. I step out of Pops embrace and softly thank him. Turning around I go replace Conan to make sure he is okay. Or well, as okay as one can be in this situation. I will never leave him, if he wants to be without me, he'll have to leave me.