Lustful Hearts
Chapter 16: Apologies- P1

I returned home the next day to an angry looking Mike. His piercing angry eyes never left me the whole time my mother had lovingly fussed over me. By her overly anxious display, she was obviously relieved by my arrival.

She served up a round of coffees and quickly went into a frank discussion about the aftermath of the party. Joel's eyes stayed focused on the table, and he remained mute throughout. The eventual outcome was far too lenient for my liking. Mike managed to get away with doing a few extra chores. If that had been me, I would have come down harder and thrown the book at him.

I excused myself from the table and walked through to the lounge, flopping down hard onto the sofa.

It was official, my life sucked.

I grabbed the remote, flicking through the television channels. I curled up tight, mindlessly going from one to the other, seeking something to distract me from the chaos raging inside my head. But nothing managed to hold my attention.

The sofa dipped beside me, and I turned my head slightly to replace Joel sat staring right at me. His eyes looked sad, almost pained. From his expression I could tell he was desperate to talk to me, he just didn't know how to begin. So I spared him the agony.

"Whatever you want to say to me, Joel, will make no difference. No apology can make up for what you did. You knew how I felt about you, I told you I wanted to be with you, to give us a chance and you told me no. Which hurt so bad but then to sleep with those girls in my bed." My voice broke, at the reminder of his selfish, cruel actions.

Joel flinched, but my voice remained cold and emotionless. The visions were enough to harden the ice that slowly encased my heart. He stiffened like he was preparing for the worst.

"It was like you wanted to destroy me. I didn't think even you could be so cruel. I thought I knew you, but obviously I don't. Do you even care that everything in that room is now a constant reminder of your betrayal? I can't look at you, Joel. You make me sick. Please just leave me alone from now on."

His eyes grew wide with the harsh brutality of my words. He motioned to open his mouth but nothing came out. He was never much of a thinker, more of a doer, usually doing other women.

The awkward silence lingered and was enough to stir the pain once more. I stood up, rushing past him, unable to breathe the same air a moment longer.

***

For the next eight weeks, I avoided Joel. It wasn't hard, he hadn't come around as often as he usually did. Which was a relief. I was grateful he had the decency to stay away.

Christmas passed with a blur. The only highlight was Elijah had dragged me out New Year's Eve to a gay club. We spent the majority of the night dancing and getting wasted. We ended up bringing in the New Year putting a different spin on Auld Lang Syne. The nights events would stay with me for a long time to come.

By the end of January, Joel started to come around again. I avoided him at all costs, spending the majority of the time hiding away in my room, or sleeping over at Elijah's.

Despite the fact two months had gone by, nothing had changed. The pain was still all too real like no time had passed between us at all. My heart still ached with every beat, and I despised myself for the fact it still mourned for him.

I knew eventually I'd have to face him. There was only so much dodging I could do before the universe decided to lend a hand in ensuring we finally came face to face.

The moment arrived when I was heading over to Elijah's. I was too preoccupied searching through my bag to notice him stood there.

The familiar Converse shuffled in front of me, and it was enough to evaporate all air from my lungs. My head snapped up, and I reeled back in complete horror at the vision before me.

Fuck.

I gasped in shock at the sight of his poor, battered face. His lip was split, looking painfully sore, while surrounding the cut was a dark purple bruise. Judging by the damage some force had been behind that punch. I was guessing would have been his dad's handy work. God, the guy was such an arsehole.

His eyes looked tired almost haunted, all puffy and bloodshot. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. Had he been drinking to block it all out? It was normally his solution to hit the bottle, his escape route when things got too hard.

My eyes stared deep into his tortured ones as tears instantly sprang to mine, but I willed them to dry. I refused to get emotional in front of him. I knew he wasn't in a good place; he never was after a beating. As well as the physical abuse there would have been the verbal too, which was always a certainty.

John was always good with his mouth, letting Joel know his exact thoughts. Which was probably worse, but he'd never admit it. Underneath all the bravado and fake confidence, he had low self-esteem. Which wasn't a surprise, his dad would knock the confidence out of anyone. I despised the guy with a passion.

We stood for a few moments, the silence almost deafening. I bit the inside of my cheek. The blood was a welcoming distraction from the intensity of being this close to him. He smiled softly, quickly wincing with pain. I grimaced, imagining how sore it was.

His lip brought back memories of the first time we ever met. The first moment I looked deep into his beautiful blue hypnotic eyes. He was so sweet and caring towards me that day, but he was not that same person now that day seemed so far away. I knew I had to come to terms with that if I was ever to stand a chance of moving on.

"Iz," he whispered. He licked his dry lips, quickly wincing again with the pain.

I gasped hearing him say my name. My legs almost buckled underneath me. It was always the same reaction, and I hated the control he weaved over me.

"I know I've said it before, but I'm so sorry. I miss our chats, hanging out together. Please say you'll forgive me, I couldn't stand it if you hated me forever." His eyes glazed over as he stood waiting with bated breath for my reply.

I wanted to console him. My fingers itched to touch him, to soothe and comfort him. My heart ached for all the pain he had endured, but I also knew the pain he had inflicted on me with his own destructive actions. I had to distance myself to protect my own heart. I had to become my number one priority, even if it killed me in doing so.

I stood summoning up the courage to say the words I knew would break me. "I'm fine Joel. You're right we shouldn't be together. I deserve someone that will love and treat me with the respect I deserve. I always thought deep down I wasn't good enough for you, but now I know it's the other way around, you're not good enough for me.

You treat women like pieces of meat. You mess with their heads for your own enjoyment, it's cruel, and I see that now. I thought I was the one that could make you see the light, the one that you would fall in love with.

I envisaged a future with you but it was all just a pipe dream, and now I'm wide-awake. You go out and enjoy yourself, sleep with as many women as you want. I'm over it. I'm over you."

His face dropped in surprise and tears pricked his eyes. His wounded look brought my heart to a standstill. But I had to stay strong. Being near him made my whole body come alive, I hated how it betrayed me I yearned for his company. I missed the times we shared together, our conversations, our jokes. I missed the way he looked at me.

I missed him full stop.

I picked up my bag and side stepped him, keeping my eyes forward. I didn't look back. Chanting over and over to stay strong until I was at a safe enough distance away from him.

***

I stared into the dark abyss. Every night was the same, hour after hour. It became my routine. I was destined to never appreciate the feeling of having a full night's sleep ever again.

My stomach grumbled demanding food. I'd barely eaten for months now; my appetite had slowly diminished. But maybe tonight would be different. I sighed and uncurled the duvet back, giving into its demands and headed downstairs.

The air was cool as I sat curled up in the kitchen, with a glass of milk and some Oreos. A smile touched my lips performing my usual ritual. I loved pulling them apart, exposing the cream, before dunking each section into the milk. The taste was heavenly in my mouth. I moaned softly when the sweet sensation exploded onto my taste buds.☐☐☐☐☐☐☐