My Kingdom Come book 1: The Saints We See
Chapter 37: Illusion

665 standard years after the signing of the Alliance

Mikhail lay in the dark, his forearm across his eyes. Almost eight months ago, when he had still been having lessons with Jonat, he had arrived one day right after Jonat had been tasked with removing and burning a traumatic experience out of a slave’s memory. Jonat hadn’t meant for Mikhail to know about it, but it was weighing heavy on Jonat’s conscience and Mikhail had caught glimpses of it in his thoughts. Mikhail didn’t say anything. It wasn’t knowledge he was supposed to have access to. Between his lessons with Jonat, and what he had glimpsed in Jonat’s memory Mikhail had worked out how to modify memories.

He had been putting that knowledge to good use the last month, searching his memories carefully for anything that betrayed how deep his feelings were for Dachvinder. He reworked them till they were only memories of two lonely, young people/sentients who had quickly become friends, maybe slightly infatuated with each other, but nothing more than friends. Any memories that could not be reworked were cut out as best as he could.

He had removed Dachvinder’s intrusive emotions from the memory of himself losing control during his session with Illa. They were replaced with his own fear. The dream he had shared with Dachvinder and then the conversation afterwards, had been replaced with a night of unbroken sleep. Tonight Mikhail was going through all the broken remnants that he’d cut out, one last time. The moment had come to let them go.

He had been at Dachvinder’s hive for three weeks now. He’d been allowed to follow Dachvinder around and listen as dae were instructed on how the hive functioned and then he was allowed to participate when Dachvinder tried daer hand at each major position in the hive. The weeks of training had begun with shared smiles and furtive hand brushes between himself and Dachvinder, but those had dwindled steadily as Dachvinder’s emotions tapered off from slipping into Mikhail’s. Now the only thing that was left between them was a friendship very like the one that Mikhail had created in his altered memories.

Apparently, from Dachvinder’s side the connection between them had only been an infatuation after all.

Mikhail had created a marker moment for himself when he had laid down in bed that night. In the morning he would only remember falling asleep soon after he laid down, everything else from tonight would burn with the rest of the memories he was purging.

There was one last memory he was still holding onto. It was just a moment. A few touches, a few phrase. There was nothing to identify who was in it or where it had come from, it was completely cut out from any context. Mikhail didn’t know if he should keep it or not. He stared at it undecided, even as he allowed his hands to fill with the flames that would turn his most precious memories into ash.

* * *

Mik woke up with a vague sense that he’d had a bad dream the night before, but he couldn’t remember it. He got up and picked an outfit for the day then made his way to the bathroom. He passed Isca sitting in the common area of their suite, ready and waiting for him, as he had been every morning they had been here in the hive.

“I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” Mik said, hurrying past. Isca gave a bored nod.

Mik hurriedly showered and dressed. He glanced himself over in the mirror. Fortunately he didn’t have any beauty standards he needed to adhere to today.

Isca glanced curiously down at him as they made their way to the dining hall. “You’re in a good mood today.”

Mik gave him a little smile. “I’ve been worried about Dachvinder. I realized last night I was worrying over nothing. You were right. Dae are adjusting to hive life just fine.”

Isca let out a grunt of acknowledgment.

Dachvinder was missing from the dining hall at breakfast. When Rurie came to get Mik for his day’s lesson dae informed him that Dachvinder was receiving some private instruction today, so he would be having this lesson alone.

It was a few days before Mik saw Dachvinder again. Mik was being given a lesson on Hosaik music in one of the private booths that circled the hive music hall. An angelic voice began to sing somewhere outside the booth. It was in a language that Mik didn’t know, but the melody was so hauntingly beautiful and full of sorrowful longing that he stopped paying attention to his lesson to give the music his full attention. After a few moments he realized that he wasn’t paying attention to his teacher, and tried to focus back on his lesson, but his teacher had been distracted as well. Dae were silent. After a moment dae got up from the bench dae had been sitting on and opened the door so that they could both hear the music better.

The music swept into the room and seemed to penetrate straight into Mik’s heart. It flowed into all the saddest parts of his memories, the absence of his mother, the death of Galor, the loss of his freedom, his worry over Dachvinder, his fears over who would buy him in the future, the music pulsed understanding and empathy into those dark places.

Mik came back to himself as the music’s aura slowly faded. He realized the song had ended a few minutes ago. His cheeks were wet. Mik’s teacher sniffed and wiped daer cheeks as well. “That is what Hosaik music is about. Reaching into your soul and soothing hurts, celebrating victories, sharing love. If it does not stir emotion, and bring some measure of health to the hearer, the musician has failed.”

Mik nodded. “What was that song called?”

His teacher shrugged. “It’s never been sung before.”

Mik peered out into the music hall. A small figure was kneeling in the center of the stage, head bowed. Mik frowned. It was Dachvinder. Dachvinder wiped at daer cheeks and stood, then looked over at Mik. Dae smiled.

A fluttery, longing feeling Mik didn’t understand woke up in his chest as he watched Dachvinder’s petite form walking across the room towards him.

“Did you hear my song?” Dae called softly when dae was close enough.

Mik nodded, his throat tight.

“What did you think?” Dachvinder stopped a few feet away. Dachvinder’s face was relaxed and smiling, but there was something in daer eyes that looked older, sadder.

Mik swallowed. “Are you okay?”

Dachvinder’s hand twitched as if dae had been about to reach out and decided not to. “Of course I am. I’m home. I’m loved and safe, I belong. I have everything an Hosaik needs. Did you like my song? I’ve been working on it for the last few days.”

“It…” Mik touched his chest. How could he explain what the music had done to him? “It was beautiful. It made me cry, but it didn’t make me sad. I feel…comforted, strengthened.”

Dachvinder’s smile reached daer eyes this time. “Good. My music did what I wanted it to do then. Are you having a music lesson?”

Mik nodded again.

“Can I sit in with you?”

“Of course.”

Dachvinder came into the little room and sat at the other end of the small student’s bench. Dae listened to the rest of the music lesson with Mik and participated in the practical part. Then it was time for the evening meal and Mik was following the teacher out of the little room.

“Boy.”

Mik turned back. Dachvinder was still sitting on the bench, looking up at him with daer big blue eyes. Mik’s heart beat a little faster.

“I probably won’t see you again before you finish your training. I’m going to be having private lessons with the queen.”

“Oh.” A leaden feeling filled Mik’s chest.

Dachvinder stood up and twisted daer hands together. “I…” Dae swiped at daer eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t wan’t to get all emotional about this. I just wanted to thank you for being my friend. You’re the first person who accepted me as I am. You gave me hope when I had nothing left to hope for.”

Mik nodded and swallowed. “You’ve been just as good to me, sir. It makes me very happy to know you’re finally home. You’re going to have a good life here.”

Dachvinder smiled, a tear streaked down daer cheek. Dae quickly brushed it away. “Yes. I’m going to have a very good life here.”

“Boy?” Isca’s questioning voice broke in. “You coming to dinner now?”

Mik stared uncertainly at Dachvinder. He couldn’t feel anything from daem, but dae seemed distressed. Dachvinder smiled softly. “Don’t worry about me. I’m going to be fine.” Mik still hesitated. He felt like he was missing something important.

Mik sensed Isca’s form filling the doorway behind him. “Isn’t your lesson over, boy?”

“Yes, sir, I’m sorry. I’m ready to go.” He stared at Dachvinder for one last moment before tearing his eyes away and bowing deeply. “Good night, sir. Enjoy your evening.”

“Good night.”