Shadows Of Desire
A Mother's Love

Seven years earlier...

It was dark. Always so dark. It seemed as though the sun never shined in Ravenskeep. The sky was always cloudy, and the world looked gray and lifeless. The manor was a dismal place full of bad memories, loneliness, and pain. The only part of the grounds which held any semblance of happiness were the gardens. It was the one thing that Desmond had not destroyed, the one place that, to Lady Ellarian, felt like home.

She supposed, her life wasn’t entirely joyless. Her child, Rowan, was the one thing that had kept her going. He was the only reason that she had not withered away like a flower after the first frost of a coming winter. She loved him more than words could even say and she vowed to protect him from the cruelty of the man who had fathered him. The same man who had imprisoned them both in the manor house. Rowan was both a blessing and a burden because, if it were not for her love of her son, Lady Ellarian would have escaped these wretched lands long ago.

She had once thought of bundling her child up and escaping with him. They could return to her home land and live free of Desmond’s abuse. The thought of going home became like an obsession for her until she could no longer stand it and one night, did attempt to take her babe and flee but, she was quickly caught by the guards who the King had had stationed around the manor and she was brought back to her wicked and vile husband. “Go, if that is what you want.” He told her. “I won’t stop you. But, you will never take that child from me.”

Ellarian was horrified at the thought of leaving her child with the King. Horrified and confused. Desmond hated the child. He’d said so himself and on many occasions. He hated him because of what he was. Not the son that Desmond had wanted so badly, no, Rowan was an omega and to Desmond, an omega was worse than a female, it was an abomination. A great shame and humiliation that Desmond hated so badly that he chose to hide his own child away from the rest of the world rather than face the shame of having fathered the child. He had even gone so far as to try and kill the child after he discovered what the child was. Ellarian of course had begged him not to and so he chose to banish them instead.

Lady Ellarian never tried to escape again after that first time, knowing the King would not be so forgiving a second time. What confused her though was why the King even cared. Maybe it was the idea of having something that he believed belonged to him, no matter how despised it was, taken from him without his consent. Or, maybe it was simply that the council was watching him and he didn’t want to appear weak. It had to be something political because Ellarian refused to believe for one second that he had held any affection towards her or the child. Once, he had claimed to love her, but his love was tainted and cruel and that love fizzled away the moment she had born him an abomination.

So, now, twelves years past the birth of her only child and here she remained, a prisoner in the bleak and depressing halls of Ravenskeep. Moving through the shadows of her beloved garden, barely alive any longer, and mourning the loss of the life she had once loved, Lady Ellarian had all but given into her despair as the darkness began to seep into her very soul. When the first flower began to wither and turn brown, it’s once soft petals crumbling at her touch, she knew that her suffering was coming to an end. Her magic was dying and so too would she as her magic and her life force were entwined.

A somber sort of peace washed over her as she sat on the bench beneath her beloved oak tree and closed her eyes. Though she appeared young, beautiful, and strong, she could feel her body dying. It wouldn’t be long now and she would be free. The thought of death didn’t frighten her as it would many others. She welcomed it. Death wasn’t the end. It was just change. A transition from one form to another and she had already spent far too much time in her current form anyway. Her only regret would be leaving the child behind that she loved so much and had tried so hard to protect and nurture. She could only hope that the lessons she had taught him in his youth would prepare him for the future.

When she opened her eyes again she glanced up and saw him standing in the window of his bedchambers, looking down at her. She smiled at him and he smiled back. His smile was like the sun lighting her world and chasing away the darkness that threatened to swallow her whole. She loved him so but wished that maybe she could have shown it more over the years. Her child was always so happy, so full of life, and she wanted to embrace that life and share in his happiness but she just couldn’t. That light had gone out of her long ago could not be reignited. But still, she loved him. She prayed he knew that and would forgive her one day.

Rowan turned away from the window and disappeared into his rooms, probably getting ready for his evening lessons. He was a good child. A sweet child. She had been blessed in that at least. Despite having a beast for a father, Rowan had grown up good, and kind. Ellarian touched her hand to her heart and smiled again. A tear slipped down her cheek. “You will replace happiness one day.” She whispered into the darkness. “The mother Goddess wills it so.”

Present day...

It had been three days since they had arrived in Pickaway village and Rowan, Thaden, and Tally were already settling into life there. Tally started school with the other children her age while Thaden trained with the guard. It was decided that since he had already been trained as a warrior but had never worked as a laborer that fighting and, the protection of the village, was a job best suited for him. The guard also took part in hunts, something that Thaden had done for sport in Rosegate, so his skills with a bow were valued in that area as well.

Rowan’s sheltered life of reading and his basic education made him an ideal educator. His soft, and calming demeanor, as well as his nurturing nature, meant that he would be good with children. The second day in the village he had shadowed one of the woman who taught at the school house and, on the third day, he helped in the nursery. He had to admit, he liked the nursery best of all. He and the other workers were tasked with the care of the tribes children while their parents worked. The children ranged in age from new born to five years. After their fifth birthday they would then be transitioned to the school house to begin their formal education.

Rowan did well working with the children and by the end of the day, he found that he liked the babies most. He was nervous at first, having never held an infant in his life, but his natural omega instincts kicked in almost at once and holding the delicate child in his arms was like second nature. He realized in that moment that this, caring for children, was truly what he had been made for. Each smile, gurgle, or coo brought with it a feeling of hope and happiness that Rowan had never experienced before and, he suddenly couldn’t wait until the day when he would hold his own child in his arms. He knew without a doubt that he and Thaden would love that child more than anything else in the world. Even if it turned out to be an omega.

At the close of the day, when the last child had been picked up and taken home, Rowan said goodnight to his now friend and coworker, Isea, then gathered Tally and the two of them began the walk back to their new, albeit, temporary home. No decision had been made as of yet if they were permitted to stay but most of the tribe seemed so welcoming and at ease around the three newcomers that Rowan would be surprised if they were denied. Living among these people just seemed right, natural, and Rowan loved the village. Even Tally, a human by birth, seemed to fit in well and already had so many friends. She was as much a fascination to them as they were to her and many of the young children wanted to get to know her and ask her questions about being human.

As they walked, Tally gushed about her third day at the school and all the things she’d learned while there. In the mornings she, along with a handful of other children, helped the adults with various tasks around the village. Today they had tended to flowers and gathered nuts in the forests. The work was easy and she didn’t complain. She was happy just to be with the other children, but the high light of her day was when school resumed and she, with the others, flocked to the school house excitedly wondering what today’s lessons would entail. Moibeal, the educator for the younger children, always made her lessons fun and engaging. They played games, did art, and sang songs of their ancestors. Moibeal took the children to the forest and discussed how to speak to the trees and animals.

Tally was ecstatic when a purple butterfly landed on her nose and Moibeal told her that it was a sign that she had a kind and gentle heart. Butterflies tended to surround healers and shamans, and only one with a gentle touch and love in their heart would attract them. Tally glowed as she told Rowan this and he smiled when he saw the joy on her face and the light in her eyes. In just the few days they had been in the village, Tally had really begun to blossom like the beautiful flower that she was. She belonged in Pickaway village as much as any of them did for, even though she were human, there was something magical about her. His little sunflower was a beacon of light and hope, and he loved her more and more each day.

Tally bounced along happily beside Rowan as they walked. He asked her questions about her day and she eagerly answered each of them. They were close to their hut when Rowan stopped, holding out a hand for Tally to stop beside him. “What’s wrong?” She asked.

“Nothing.” He smiled down at her. “I just see someone I’ve been meaning to speak with.” Tally followed Rowan’s line of sight to an attractive woman sitting on a large rock, painting. Tally had seen her before around the village but she recalled the first time seeing her was the night they had arrived in the village. The woman had long, ebony hair, braided and pulled to one side. She wore a gown of vibrant purple silk and upon her back were bat like wings. She was a sight to behold and one of the few members of the tribe with wings that weren’t insect or bird like.

“Who is she?” Tally whispered.

“I believe her name is Una.” Rowan told her. “She’s also an omega. One of two in the village. The other is her twin brother, Filib.”

“She’s beautiful.” Tally observed. Rowan had to smile at that. There wasn’t a member of the tribe of the Shee that were not remarkably attractive. It was a common trait they all shared.

Rowan approached the woman but she didn’t look up or cease her painting, even as Rowan stood behind her, watching her paint. “It’s stunning.” Rowan said of the painting. “Who is she?”

“An ancestor.” Una told him as she dipped her brush into a bowl of water and then wiped the excess paint off on a rag that lay beside her. Rowan admired Una’s work. It truly was a magnificent piece. The woman portrayed in the portrait was beautiful in a way that transcended anything earthly. Her flesh was alabaster white, and her lips were as red as blood. Silken and shimmering, sable hair framed her face and her eyes were a bright, cobalt, blue.

The back ground of the painting depicted countless ravens in circled flight amidst a midnight sky with a full moon shining high above. It was breathtakingly gorgeous but what really stood out to Rowan was the expression on the woman’s face. She seemed sad, lost almost, and on the verge of tears. Rowan wondered why Una had painted such a somber expression on one so lovely.

“She looks so sad.” Rowan said, his voice barely above a whisper as he studied the haunted look in the woman’s eyes. “I fear she has suffered much in her day.”

“Aye, she has.” Una turned then and looked up at him. “She had lost much to the cruelty of humans. Her lover, her children, and her home. In the beginning, she wanted nothing more than to live in peace with the humans. She was benevolent and wise but the years of oppression and loss had turned her soul dark. She sought revenge for what had been done to her and love and kindness turned to bitter hate. She became a fearsome creature of wrath, punishing the wicked for their crimes, and caused strife and terror. She became the mother of vengeance and war, always with one wing dipped in blood and her sword a sharp reminder not to cross her or her children.”

“That’s terrible.” Rowan felt tears sting his eyes as he stared at the painting. He could almost feel the woman staring back at him, judging him for allowing the suffering of so many at his father’s hands. But there was something else there too. He thought for a split second that he saw pity in her eyes. Did she see his own suffering too? Did she understand his pain? He wanted so to reach out and touch her, take her in his arms and hug her, but he knew it was only a painting he was staring at and not the actual person. Still, there was something so familiar in the way she looked, the expression on her face, he knew he had seen it somewhere before.

“She looks...familiar.” Rowan said. “Like a memory from a dream I had once, long ago. What was her name?”

“She is the Morrigu of the Tuatha.” Una told him. “The mother of the dark Shee, demons, vampires...she is mother to us all.”

“Mother...” Rowan whispered, tears spilling down his cheeks as he held a hand over his heart. “She reminds me of my mother...somehow. The same raven hair. The same sad expression.”

Una shrugged. “Morrigu spawned the vampire race when she mated a demon. I don’t know much about the vampire Queen, only that she died many years ago, but Morrigu would be her ancestor too, as well as yours.”

“My mother was kind.” Rowan spoke softly. His eyes cast down to the ground as he called up old memories of the woman who had given him life and then left when he was just a boy. “She was nothing like my father. I was twelve when she passed but I remember her. Her beauty, her sorrow, and her love. I know she loved me but she was always so sad, so lost, that at times it was hard for her to show her emotions. She liked her solitude and would often walk the gardens alone at night. I loved her more than anything in this world but, there was something broken in her. I’m sure it was my father’s doing.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.” Una said, gently touching Rowan’s hand. “I’m sorry that your mother had to live a life full of such sorrow but, perhaps, she is happier now, away from the King. I’m sure she watches over you regardless. Those who leave us aren’t really ever gone, they just change form. If you allow your mind to be open to the world around you, you’ll feel her spirit near you. I’m sure of it.”

“That’s a beautiful way to look at death.” Rowan smiled softly. “And, I do feel her near sometimes. I feel her presence all around me. In the moon above. In the flowers and the trees. I believe she’s part of nature now. She loved nature, it makes sense that in death she would become a part of what she loved so much.”

“There is beauty in everything and all around us, even in death. You just have to be open and allow yourself to see it.” Una brushed a strand of hair away from her face as she stood up. Reaching out, she clasped Rowan’s hands in hers, and gave him a warm, friendly smile. “What was your mother’s name? I will mention her in my nightly prayers to the Goddess.”

“Ellarian.” Rowan told her, returning the smile. “Her name was Ellarian.”

Una suddenly let go of Rowan’s hands, the smile that once lit up her face was now replaced with a frown. Her brows knit and her eyes narrowed. Rowan watched the change in her demeanor with concern and confusion. She was trembling and for some reason seemed upset.

“Ellarian?” She asked, repeating the name that Rowan had just given her. “Lady Ellarian Morgeiros?”

“Morgeiros was her maiden name.” Rowan answered, growing more confused by the minute. Una had claimed not to have known anything about his mother, so how is it that she knew her name before marrying King Desmond?

Una gasped at this revelation. She turned away, placing her hand over her heart and whispered, “It can not be.”

“What is is?” Rowan asked, now feeling slightly alarmed at her reaction. He pulled Tally close to him, protectively. His heart was racing now. Had he said something wrong? Were they going to send him away now, or worse? A million thoughts began to flood his mind as he tried to figure out just what he had done or said that was so bad. “Una, what’s wrong? Please tell me. Have I offended you or your people somehow?”

Una turned to look at him, forcing a smile though Rowan could see through it. She looked almost...scared. “It’s nothing for you to worry about.” Una told him. “Trust me, you’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Then what...”

Una put up her hand to stop him, shaking her head. “Take your little one home and try not to worry. You’ll be fine. I just...I have to go. You’re fine.” She gave Rowan’s hand a gentle squeeze before hurrying away from him and back towards the center of the village. She was in such a rush to get away that she didn’t even bother to gather up her painting or supplies instead, leaving them behind with Rowan and Tally.

Rowan looked down at his daughter and he could see the fear in her eyes as she pressed herself against his leg. “Come.” He told her. “All will be well.”

She nodded and then the two hurried back to their own hut, neither of them having any idea what had just happened. The entire situation was just odd. As soon as they returned, Rowan would speak to Thaden about what had happened. Perhaps he would have some idea of what had made Una so anxious.

***

Thaden listened carefully as Rowan explained his encounter with Una. Finally, when Rowan was done, Thaden stood up and crossed the room as he processed all he had just been told.

“Do you know why the mention of my mother’s name would have upset Una so?” Rowan asked.

Thaden rubbed at the back of his neck, nervously. In truth, he was as baffled as Rowan was. Desmond was a much more powerful, more ruthless, and dangerous vampire, so why would knowing who Rowan’s mother was cause Una to be afraid? He had no idea what it meant. Ellarian was dead, even if there were something to fear from her, it no longer mattered.

“I honestly do not know.” Thaden said. He turned to look at Rowan and he could see the concern in his mate’s eyes. “I don’t think it’s anything really to be concerned about. Whatever your parents did, or did not do, it doesn’t reflect on you. You can’t be held accountable for their actions.”

“Can’t I?” Rowan sighed, looking to the floor. “I feel like I’ll always be living in my father’s shadow, being judged and scrutinized because of him.”

“He’s one man, Rowan. And you are a far better man than he ever was. Once people get to know you, they’ll see that, as I do now.” Thaden put his arms on Rowan’s shoulders and squeezed gently.

Rowan touched Thaden’s hand and tried to force a smile. He was about to speak again when they heard a soft knocking at the door. Rowan looked to Thaden questioningly but Thaden only shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll get it.” Thaden told him. “Stay here.”

Rowan nodded as Thaden left his side then crossed the room to the door. They were both surprised to see Asgall standing on their door step.

“Asgall, welcome.” Thaden extended his hand to the other man as he stepped into the main room of the house.

“Thank you.” Asgall shook Thaden’s hand then took a moment to look around the small hut. Nothing much had changed. Thaden had purchased a third chair for Tally to use, the kitchen was stocked with the supplies they had brought with them, and there were a few smaller, personal affects around, but that was about it. Still, the hut had a much more lived in feel to it.

“How are the three of you settling in?“Asgall asked them.

“Just fine.” Thaden told him. “Both Rowan and I seem to be doing well in our new positions and Tally loves her school. Her instructors say she’s doing quite well. She’ll be caught up with the other children her age in no time at all.”

“That’s good.” Asgall said. “I’m glad to hear it.” He walked over to the empty chair next to Rowan and sat down. Thaden joined them at the small table, sitting across from Asgall. Tally was sitting on the floor playing with a new doll that Rowan had made for her. She was so engaged in her playing that she barely noticed the three adults in the room. Asgall watched her, curiously. Her time spent with Thaden and Rowan had allowed the child to come out in her. She had time now to play and learn as a child should without the burden of trying to survive alone.

“It’s her first real toy.” Rowan explained when he saw Asgall watching the child. “Anything she’d had in the past she made herself with sticks and mud.”

“I’m happy to see her playing.” Asgall remarked. “Children are precious. They need guidance and structure but they also need the time and freedom to be children.”

“Yes.” Thaden agreed. “I fear her time on her own left little opportunity for her to just relax and have fun.”

“And that is a real shame.” Asgall said.“Children who aren’t free to develop their imaginations do not thrive in our world. She is truly blessed to have found you both.”

“We’re the one’s who are blessed.” Thaden smiled, touching Rowan’s hand. “Twice blessed.”

“Ah yes.” Asgall smiled looking over at Rowan. “There is nothing more exciting than the birth of one’s child. Tell me, how are you fairing? I trust your health is good?”

Rowan nodded. “I could live without the nausea and mood swings but other than that, I am doing quite well.”

“Good, good.” Asgall leaned back in his chair, stroking his beard as he thought about how to broach the subject of his visit to the couple.

“Forgive me.” Rowan was suddenly on his feet, his face bright red with embarrassment. “I haven’t offered you any refreshments.” He said as he moved away from the table. “Would tea be alright? We really don’t have much else at the moment.”

“It’s not necessary.” Asgall told him. “Please, sit. There is something important that we need to discuss.”

Rowan took his seat again, unease growing as his heart began to race. The conversation that he had had with Una came back to him now and he searched for any indication, any recollection, that he had said something wrong. Thaden looked tense as well. Rowan could see the stress reflected in his eyes. Were they about to be thrown out? Was this the end of their plans to have a happy life in the Shee village? Rowan knew he would never forgive himself if he were the cause of his family being cast out. Where would they go from here? What would they do? Rowan’s future suddenly seemed so uncertain as he waited for the blow to come. A lump formed in his throat and he had to choke back the tears.

“Asgall, what’s wrong?” Thaden was the one to speak first. He watched Asgall closely, assessing the man’s features as he attempted to gauge his emotions. Asgall didn’t seem angry but both Rowan and Thaden could tell that there was something weighing on him heavily. His shoulders drooped and he ran a hand through his hair as he sighed. “Please, tell us.” Thaden persisted. “Have we done something wrong? Have we broken some rule?”

“No.” Asgall was quick to clarify. “It’s nothing like that. You aren’t in any trouble, so please, do not worry yourselves about that.”

“Then what is it?” Thaden asked, his voice soft and gentle yet thick with concern, despite Asgall’s reassurances.

“This isn’t an easy subject to bring up.” Asgall began. “It pertains to a darker part of our past, a part that I am not particularly proud of.”

“Does it have anything to do with what Una and I discussed earlier?” Rowan asked, the lump in his throat growing tighter.

Asgall nodded. “It does, I’m afraid. And, it’s not going to be easy for you to hear as it involves your parents.”

Rowan sucked in a deep breath, straightened himself in his chair and braced himself for whatever news was about to come. “I can handle it.” Rowan told him. “I need to know the truth.”

Asgall nodded with a heavy sigh. “Then, perhaps you should put on a kettle.” He told him. “We have much to talk about.”