The Girl Next Door
The Boy Next Door Chapter 43

With my arms folded behind my head, I stare at the ceiling as everything from tonight crashes around inside my brain. If there's one thing that I hate, it's thinking about Candance. She's like Beetlejuice. Say her name three times and she magically appears inside my head, taking up residence like an unwanted squatter. And that, on top of everything else going on, is the last thing I need or want.

The woman abandoned me when I needed her most. She walked away without ever looking back. There's a giant void in her place. It's one Jenna has diligently tried to fill.

Everything softens within me as I think about my stepmother. Truth be told, she's so much more than that. She's the mother Candance never could be. Or, more to the point, never wanted to be.

I'm not embarrassed to admit that I love Jenna. I appreciate everything she's done for me over the years. Driving my a*s around town before I had a license. Helping me with homework when I didn't understand something or needed help doing research. Holding me in the middle of the night when I would cry, missing Candance. Instead of badmouthing Candance, Jenna always tried to explain that people sometimes can't be what we need them to be. And that's neither of our faults.

The times that Candance allowed me to tag along with her to the studio stick out in my head vividly. Probably because they were a rarity. She would set me in the corner with a few toys while she became absorbed in her artwork. Hours would pass and I would try to be as quiet as I could. Even then, at age four, I somehow realized that my silence is the only thing that would win her over.

In the end, it didn't work. No matter how quiet, or how good, she still chose to leave.

By the time Jenna came around, I was so starved for attention, that I glommed onto her from the very beginning. I allowed her to cuddle me to her heart's content. Even though she poured every drop of love into me, it wasn't enough. Candance's rejection eats away at me. It's f****d up.

Why can't I forget her as easily as she's forgotten me?

I wish it were possible to bury all of my memories of her so deep down in my subconscious that I would never think about her or them again.

Another thirty minutes pass by as I toss and turn before finally throwing off the covers and rolling from the bed. Unable to sleep, I pace the dark room at one o'clock in the morning. It's as if there is a scratch deep beneath my skin that is impossible to scratch. And the one person I long to see, who could make it better, is asleep in her own bed in the apartment next to mine. She's so close and yet a million miles away. After we left my parents' house around nine o'clock and arrived back around eleven. The car ride back had been a quiet one. Not uncomfortable. It's as if we both had been lost in our own thoughts. I dropped her off at her doorstep. Unable to resist, I'd cupped her cheeks in my hands like I'd done earlier that evening in my room and pressed my lips to hers before quickly stepping away before anything more could happen. It wouldn't have taken much for me to pick her up and carry Alyssa back to my place. The need to be buried in her tight heat had throbbed through me. if there's anything that could make me forget dredging up painful memories of Candance, it's that.

As difficult as it was, I restrained myself. Alyssa needs me to prove to her that I'm not the guy who walked away from her. And that exactly what I'm trying to do.

Jenna had texted me on the ride home and told me how much she and Dad enjoyed meeting Alyssa. How they hope to see her soon. Hint, hint.

Little do they know that the decision for our future rests in Alyssa's hands.

As I swing around, ready to pace the length of the room, my phone lights up with an incoming message. I move closer before glancing at it. Alyssa.

You awake?

That's all it takes for me to pounce on the slim device.

Yeah. Can't sleep.

Me, neither. Want to come over?

Be there in a minute.

I toss down the phone and go to the apartment door, cracking it open and peering outside. Alyssa carefully closes the door behind her before jogging toward me. "Hi." she sounds just a bit winded.

I return the greeting before opening the door more fully and stepping aside. Once she's inside, I close it and nab her fingers with my own, towing her to my room. With the lock secured, I lean against the door. The urge to take her into my arms is so strong that I tighten my hands, so I don't do exactly that. Instead, I hold back, giving her space, needing her to make the first move.

"Why couldn't you sleep," I ask.

She shrugs, looking as tense as I am. "There's a lot going through my head, I guess."

"Me, too." Instead of making her ask, I add, "Most of the time I'm able to forget Candance ever existed. Tonight dredged up a lot for me. More than I realized."

Her expression turns to one of concern as she closes the distance between us before stopping a foot from where I stand with my back to the door. "I'm sorry about that. I shouldn't have asked all those questions."

Unable to control myself, I give in to the temptation and reach out, tugging her to me. Alyssa's palms go to my chest but don't push me away. "I'm glad you did. I'm trying really hard to let you in, Lys. It's not easy. For all I know, it's too late, but I'm trying." A puff of air escapes from her lips. "It's not too late."

The tension gathered in my muscles, drains away, leaving me limp with relief. I didn't realize how much I needed her to say those words until she did. They give me hope where I wasn't sure there was any. My arms band around her, drawing her closer until our chests are pressed together. Her arms slip around my neck as she lays her head on me.

Even though the words are scary to admit, especially out loud, I want to share them with her.

I need to share them with her.

"Sometimes I wonder where she is," I whisper into the darkness that blankets us. "And what she's doing."

Alyssa lifts her head and searches my face. "Have you ever tried to replace her?"

Find her?

Hell, no.

Even the thought is enough to make my palms sweaty. I shake my head. Part of me is deathly afraid of what I'd replace. In a way, it would be like opening a Pandora's Box. Once you do that, there is no way to shove everything back inside. Am I really ready for that?

"Do you want to look her up?" she asks, breaking into the chaotic whirl of my thoughts.

I suck my lower lip between my teeth and chew it.

I don't know...do I?

Sure, part of me is curious. It's been more than fifteen years. Most of which there has been nothing but silence from her end. For all I know, she could be dead. I allow that thought to settle inside me before examining it carefully.

It probably would be easy to figure out. Hell, I could Google her and probably come away with at least some information. Enough to satisfy this growing need inside me.

Then again, maybe the best thing I can do for myself is leave the past where it belongs. In the past.

Why does this have to be so difficult?

"We could do a f******k search and see if she pops up," Alyssa says.

Yes, I suppose we could. Except that suggestion sends my belly into a free fall. It's a frightening thought. And I'm not used to feeling that emotion course through me. Everything inside me screams to shut it down so I don't have to experience it. "Colton?"

I blink and refocus on Alyssa. She's the only thing that grounds me in the moment. "Okay."

Did I really just say that? I'm almost desperate to snatch it back out of the air. Instead, I remain silent, muscles coiled tight.

"Really?" Her brows rise as she searches my eyes.

f**k.

f**k.

f**k.

"Yeah," I confirm with a grunt as nausea grows in the pit of my belly. Let's say we replace something...it doesn't necessarily mean I can't just hold onto the information. Hell, best case scenario, it's enough for me to put all these uncomfortable feelings scratching beneath the surface to rest once and for good. And in the end, that's all I really want, right?

"You don't have to do this," she says.

But I've come this far, do I really want to back down now? Will I ever replace the courage to do it again?