The Maze Bummer: A Parody of The Maze Runner
The Maze Bummer: Chapter 23

Thomas stood up in front of the Keepers, who’d all gathered in the living room of the frat house.

“Hi, everyone,” said Thomas. “Thanks for convening this Cock Convention.”

“Should we still be calling it that?” said Boxhead, gesturing toward Teresa, who was sitting there in handcuffs. Thomas had made a special request that she be allowed to come.

“Well technically speaking, we haven’t seen her with her clothes off,” said Spatula. “For all we know, the name ‘Sausage Fest’ might still be entirely appropriate.”

“Would you klunkheads shut up so we can get to the important stuff?” said Alby. “Thomas, please continue.”

Thomas nodded. “So as you know, I just went through the Changing,” he said. “And while I was doing so, I remembered some things. A lot of things. When you hear these things, you’re not gonna be happy with me. Which is why I’ve taken the precaution of bringing all the maps of the Maze here, along with a blowtorch.”

Thomas gestured toward a huge trunk full of sheets of paper, and lit up a blowtorch.

“If anything happens to me, I will burn these maps immediately,” said Thomas, and he held the blowtorch close to the maps.

“Thomas, are you klunkin’ crazy?” said Newt.

“If you burn those maps we’ll never escape!” said Spatula.

“Yeah,” said Minho, “those maps are really important and valuable and have lots of detailed information on them because the Joggers make new ones every day after running for miles and miles in the Maze and completely exhausting ourselves.”

“Just nobody make any sudden movements, and no maps will be harmed,” said Thomas.

“Deal,” said Alby. “Now spill it. What’d you remember?”

“Well first off,” said Thomas, “in our past life, before the Sausage Fest, we all knew each other.”

Everyone gasped and looked around at the others.

“And we weren’t just casual acquaintances. We were all in the same frat.”

Everyone gasped again.

“Even Chuck?” said Alby. “No way I was in some loser frat that let in fat kids.”

“He was the token smart kid we let in to get our average GPA up,” said Thomas.

The Keepers all nodded, impressed.

“Now for the bad stuff,” said Thomas. “First up: I am responsible for all of you being here.”

“What?” the Keepers shouted, and everyone stood up and yelled at Thomas threateningly. Thomas pulled out the blowtorch again and held it close to the trunk of papers.

“Don’t make me do it!” said Thomas.

“Whoa everybody, take a klunkin’ seat,” said Alby. Everyone sat back down.

“So whaddya mean, you’re responsible?” said Newt.

Thomas sighed. “It’s a long story, but here’s the short version. One day back when we were in college, I was short of cash, so I participated in one of those studies in the Psychology department where they pay you 50 bucks to sit there for an hour and point at things on a computer screen,” said Thomas. “And the student administering the experiment was Teresa.”

There was another collective gasp. But Thomas noticed that Teresa didn’t gasp. She seemed to be remembering, now, too.

“As soon as I saw Teresa, I was like, ‘I gotta hook up with this chick,’ so I came back and did a couple more experiments with her, and chatted her up. But I could never get her to come to a frat party because she was always so busy with school.”

“This is all very romantic, but what the klunk has it got to do with us?” said Buttpan.

“Hold on, I’m getting there,” said Thomas. “So anyway, I figured the only way I’d be able to hang out with this girl more was if I got more involved with her schoolwork. So I started asking her about it…and that’s when I heard about The Study.”

“The Study?” said Alby.

“Teresa’s psychology professor was doing a secret study on the psychology of frat guys. The professor was this former fat girl who had bad memories of hooking up with drunk frat guys who lied to her about actually liking her, and then never called her after. She wanted to conclusively prove that drunk frat guys only hook up with girls because they’re drunk and horny. She thought by doing so, she could benefit future fat girls—and girls more generally—who’d read her study and realize that hooking up with a drunk frat guy was never gonna get them a date.”

“And how the klunk did this professor think she was gonna actually prove this?” said Newt.

“By completely isolating a bunch of frat guys in an area where there was no alcohol and no means of escape, and then surrounding the guys with fat girls,” said Thomas.

The room was completely silent. Thomas could feel what he’d just said sinking in for all the Keepers.

“So she built this place,” said Minho.

Thomas nodded.

“And she’s been watching us the whole time,” said Newt, “and she’s seen that we refused to hook up with the Heavers while sober, even though the fear of hooking up with them while sober was the only thing keeping us trapped here.”

Thomas nodded again.

“But hang on, shank-breath, I’m still not getting it,” said Alby. “How did you get involved?”

“The professor had gotten funding for The Study and had everything else she needed,” said Thomas, “except for one thing: subjects. Without a group of frat guys who’d agree to participate in The Study and sign all the necessary waivers, The Study could never happen. So I figured if I could get subjects for Teresa’s professor’s study, it would guarantee Teresa A-plusses for her entire college career, and she’d surely want to thank me for that…if you know what I mean.”

Alby stood up. “So you made us all live in The Sausage Fest just so you could hook up with a girl?” he said.

Thomas nodded sadly. “And the worst thing is,” said Thomas, “thanks to the memory loss caused by The Study, I don’t even remember the hook-up. I knew I should’ve secretly recorded it with my webcam.”

I remember it, Tom. Two inches.

“Shhhhhhhh!” Thomas said to Teresa, which confused everyone else because she hadn’t said anything out loud.

“So Thomas, basically what you’re saying is that you’re the worst person ever,” said Minho.

“Actually, I’m even worse than you think,” said Thomas. “There’s something else I haven’t told you yet.”

“Something else?” said Newt.

“You know how Ben and Alby said I hooked up with their girlfriends?” said Thomas.

“Dude, that’s really true?” said Alby.

“Yep,” said Thomas. “But it’s not just Alby and Ben’s girlfriends. I hooked up with all of your girlfriends.”

There was a giant uproar, and everyone looked like they wanted to beat Thomas to a pulp.

“I don’t care about the shankin’ maps anymore,” said Newt. “This klunk’s gotta pay!”

“Hold on!” shouted Thomas above the din. “The reason I was able to hook up with your girlfriends is the same reason I can save you!”

The room fell silent. “Huh?” said Alby. “Whaddya mean?”

“During the Changing, I remembered that in high school and college I’d basically devoted my life to learning how to pick up girls,” said Thomas. “I read books, went to seminars, watched DVDs, everything. I got so good I could basically pick up any girl, even a girl with a boyfriend. But all that training also gave me an unparalleled insight into female psychology. That’s why I was able to destroy the Heaver. I knew how its mind worked so well that I knew exactly what to say to it.”

“So what?” said Boxhead. “You’re never gonna kill all the Heavers. There are too many of them.”

“Right,” said Thomas. “I can’t kill them all myself. But if I teach you how to kill them, then we can all kill enough to make our way to the Cliff and get the heck out of here.”

“But we don’t know where the Cliff goes,” said Minho.

“We know it goes somewhere,” said Thomas. “Would you rather stay here with no pizza, no beer, and no chicks?”

The Keepers all huddled together and talked among themselves for a minute. Finally, the huddle broke up.

“Okay, we’re in,” said Alby, “But on one condition: when we get out of here, you teach us absolutely everything you know about women, so we can steal people’s girlfriends, too.”

“Deal,” Thomas said.

“Aren’t you forgetting someone?” said Teresa. “With what I know, I could easily get you thrown out of school.”

Thomas gulped. Getting thrown out of school would mean getting thrown out of the frat, and the frat was going to be the most plentiful source of college girls Thomas would ever have in his life.

“Fine, what do you want?” said Thomas.

“Teach me everything you know about women, too,” said Teresa. “So I never fall for a jerk like you again.”