The Roaming Alpha 2
Internal struggle

Jessara pov

I woke up this morning in the guest room, and still my wolf is not responding to me. She is still there but having a hard time coming to terms with this pregnancy. I don’t blame her she was drugged and couldn’t help me, but we have to rise above and be who we know we are inside. I am not thrilled about the circumstances around how this came to be, but there has to be a reason right?

I know I will need to have a dress made for the coronation tomorrow and will stand next to my mate as Rikar is officially crowned as the next King. We need to show a united front and a strong leadership regardless of the circumstances. As I jump out of bed I make my way into the bathroom to quickly shower. I want to try and slowly spend time with Killian to start to get things smoothed out and hopefully get my fears under control. Matecor isn’t here anymore so I need to understand he can’t hurt me anymore. Killian is not Matecor, and would never raise his hand to me.

After quickly showering and getting dressed I walk over and sit in front of the window just staring out at the landscape. I watch the trees sway back and forth and just think about what will be ahead of us. I place my hand on my stomach and close my eyes as tears start to fall. The emotions that are going through me are so hard to understand. I want to be disgusted, but I am not at the same time. I want to be sad, but I’m also happy. Would I rather it be Killian’s pups absolutely. But Rikar will have half siblings that he otherwise would not have had. Sure he has his current siblings, but they are not blood siblings.

I hear a faint knock on the door when it slowly opens. I see Killian just stare at me and slowly walk in closing the door behind him. He stands for a few minutes in silence just watching me and I am trying my hardest not to panic. Sure he says he is ok with all of this and will support me, but what wolf would be ok with his mate bearing another’s pups? I watch as he starts to take steps towards me when my body quickly plants my feet to the floor and my hands grip the armrests. He slowly raises his hands in a surrendering posture and lowers himself to his knees.

He crawls towards me and I fight every fiber in my body not to run. I cannot hide in hopes of not being hit. I am not with Matecor and not at his pack house. I am with my mate in our home. If I cannot feel safe here then where will I feel safe? I close my eyes as the tears fall when I feel him stop right in front of me. I breathe in deep and steady my nerves as I open my eyes and see him watching with tears falling down his face.

“Jessara please can I just hold you. I just want to hold you!”

I nod my head and can see the hesitancy in his face. I grip the armrests when he reaches and places his head in my lap wrapping his arms around my waist. I struggle with wanting to get away and wanting to be held and protected. The internal struggle makes it hard to know what I feel and what I should feel. I just start sobbing as my body starts to relax slowly. I can tell he feels the change as he starts to relax also. I force myself to place my shaking hands on his back fighting with myself every minute.

The moment my hands touch his back he starts sobbing on my lap gripping my waist harder. He deserves to have me be myself even if it isn’t going to be the same exact person he had. I can at least try my hardest to be as normal as I can be given the circumstances. We stayed there as the minutes tick by just holding each other. To others it may not be a big deal, but to us its a big step on this long journey. I hear my stomach rumble and we both start laughing. I guess that means it’s time to eat.

“I was coming to tell you breakfast was here and didn’t know where you wanted to eat at. Except that when I walked in and saw you I just wanted to hold you. Just to be near you and our pups. I just want you to know that I am here for you. I’m not going anywhere!”

“I know Killian, it will just take time to come to terms with everything. It will take time for my body to not be on the edge all the time, and to know I am safe.”

“I understand. If I go get the food and bring it in here can I sit next to you and eat? I won’t touch you unless you say it’s ok. Milak wants you to sit in our lap, but I am trying to reason with him about baby steps.”

“Go get the food Killian, and yes you can sit next to me.”

I watch as he slowly scoots backwards getting up walking out the door to bring in the food. When he wheels it in it looks like there is extra food which is good because I am starving. He settles in sitting next to me and I try to relax as much as I can. I know he is trying to make me feel safe, but there’s always that feeling like something isn’t right. Like something is about to happen and it is huge. My gut is telling me something is wrong. I reach out to Lita to please help. That something isn’t right, and she isn’t listening to me.

She doesn’t respond but starts reacting to something. She is growling at me like she is trying to do something to me when I start to panic. I look at Killian who is staring at me confused. I quickly stand up backing up holding my head. It’s pounding hard and I cannot put my finger on it. Lita is not acting like herself and is continuing to growl at me. Killian stands up trying to talk to me but I can’t hear him. I reach for him and it seems like I am being pulled further and further away. The room starts spinning when I hear him start yelling for the guards.

I see him and in a split second there is blackness all around me. I can still hear Lita growling at me, but I can’t make out why and panic. I try to wake up, but I feel a prick in my arm and fall fast asleep.

*****

Killian pov

I pace back and forth in the medical ward trying to figure out what the fuck happened. We were having a nice breakfast and all of a sudden she flipped out. I watched her grabbing her hair screaming, and when I tried to talk to her it was like talking to a brick wall. When she reached for me I reached back walking to her, but the screaming was awful. Then she just passed out. The doctor has no idea why either. What happened to her? She told me what she knows that happened but could there be things that she doesn’t remember?

Rikar comes flying into the hallway with Cora and her parents. I just shrug my shoulders as we stand waiting for the doctor to come back out. It takes a few minutes but when he comes out you can tell he is troubled.

“What is wrong with her doctor, please tell me?”

“If I knew I would tell you. Even I am at a loss. Her wolf had been supressed, and came around when she came back from Matecor’s. It seems that her wolf is being suppressed again but by her own body. What we think is going on is whatever drug her wolf was exposed to has now made her not herself and she is trying to terminate the pups. Therefore Jessara’s own body is fighting her wolf to keep the pups. Like an internal battle if you will. I don’t know what I can give her as I don’t know what drug her wolf was exposed to. Did you replace anything at the pack house when you found her?”

“No but we weren’t even lookin for anything. So now what do we do?”

“Unless you can get me something so I can figure out what they gave her, we will have to keep her unconscious. If she is awake the fighting will only get worse. Her wolf is letting her win for now but if she has enough strength she will end the pups and herself.”

“If her wolf dies than she will also!”

He just looks down nodding when I feel a hand on my back.

“I will take guards and see what we can replace! We will replace answers just stay here with your Queen!” Tanook spoke quietly to me.

I watch as he grabs Tessa and walk to the doors exiting. I can see him meeting guards outside to load into cars to take off towards Matecor’s packhouse. I walk over to the window and just stare at my Queen lying there. I pray he can replace the answers! I just got her back, and I cannot loose her again.