The Shadow Alpha
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Balancing the tray in one hand I knocked on his door, but there was no answer. A sound proof doorwas weird like that, sound could not get in or out, but a knock could be heard from both sides.

I listened closely, I could hear him breathing, but instead of knocking again I decided to check if thedoor was unlocked. To my relief the door was, I pushed it and stepped inside with one handbalancing the tray and the other pushing the door closed.

I looked up at Devin who sat frozen gaping at me and the tray in my hands.

"Hey." I greeted warily and was met with silence so I continued softly, “They said you missed supperso I thought I'd bring you something as well. I was kinda hoping we could talk?” He glanced at thegrilled cheese on the plate, by the faraway look and the smile that lit up his face I knew he wasrecalling all the late nights we spent together as children.

“Grilled cheese and hot chocolate?” he inquired fascinatedly making his way toward me. I noddedproudly as he took the tray from me and placed it down on the pedestal beside his bed. He satdown and motioned for me to join him. I didn't need to be told twice as I hopped in bed next tohim and he placed the tray between us the same way mom used to. He picked up the first sandwichand brought it to my mouth before taking a bite himself, just like he used to when we were kids.

He groaned out loud as the warm cheese touched his tongue and I'd be lying if I said that thesound didn't do something to me. I froze mid bite and a pleasurable shiver ran down my spine, mybody was reacting in a way it had never done before, I flushed at the lustful feeling all because ofone sound caused by a grilled cheese sandwich.

It's official; I am pathetic! I grumbled internally and bit into my sandwich moodily.

I barely had time to savour the taste before my first sandwich was finished by my moody eating. As Ireached for my hot chocolate I caught Devin staring at me.

My hand flew up to my face, subconsciously wiping away any crumbs or grease that may have beenstuck to my face.

"What, do I have something on my face?” I asked quickly, but he just smiled and continued staring.“No, you just have the most expressive face I've ever seen.” He smirked slightly causing me to poutand sip my hot chocolate. “Don’t pout darling, otherwise I might just lose control and kiss you.” hewhispered huskily causing my eyes to widen slightly, I felt relieved that I wasn't the only one feelingstrange things.

The thought almost made me facepalm, obviously we are attracted to each other, we are matesafter all.

"You're making that face again.” He teased and I stuck my tongue out at him.

“Don’t look at me and you won't see it.” I stated nonchalantly as I took a bite out of my sandwich,suddenly he ran his index finger down the side of my face and gazed distractedly, at the invisibletrail created by his finger.

“How can I look away from the most beautiful face I've ever seen?” he asked in a whisper and Iwatched wordlessly as he traced patterns on my skin. His beautiful eyes seemed to shine brighter;there was an air of pure adoration that surrounded us. I found myself entranced by the contours onhis perfectly tan face, I noticed how his long eyelashes brushed his strong cheekbones and openedto reveal a set of beautifully glowing grey eyes that held me captive.

“I'm sorry.” The words were out of my mouth before I could register that I'd said it. I saw confusionin his eyes and his hand froze on my cheek, I immediately missed the tingling sensation that histhumb left behind.

“For what?" he asked with his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. I sighed and pulled away, I saw hurtin his eyes but he concealed it quickly and waited for me to continue.

“For that-" I gestured to me pulling away, “For forcing you to leave last night, for pushing you away,for fighting with you, for keeping things from you... I'm just. I'm sorry for hurting you every time andpushing you away,” I looked down ashamed of my actions.

He lifted the tray and placed it on the pedestal before shuffling closer to me. He placed a fingerunder my chin and forced me to look into his eyes, “Why? Why do you do it?" I knew what he wasreferring to; he wanted to know why I kept pushing him away and why I insisted on facing thingsalone.

I sighed heavily and shut my eyes distressingly; this was the difficult part.

How was I supposed to say this without hurting him?

“I... For the past twelve years I've had to do everything on my own, I'd gotten so used to beingalone and being independent that even when I came here I did things as per my own wish. I refusedto lean on someone like a crutch; I have never had to take another person's feelings intoconsideration before making a decision. My parents, my pack, my friends; they have all gotten usedto my ways and they don't take offence to my actions. They understand that everything I do, I do toprotect them, they don't force information out of me, knowing I will share it with them when I feelcomfortable doing so. I never had to think of the implications of my decisions on someone elseother than myself, least of all a mate's feelings.” I ran a hand through my hair.

“In the past three years I have focussed solely on building my pack and assisting others, that I neverhad the time to think of my past or my mate, I blocked it out as much as I could and suddenlyeverything has changed. It's not only about the pack and I anymore, it's about us, both our packsand on top of it all, this rising revolution. I know that it's what I was born for, but I cant help but feellike 1 am losing. It seems like everything I decide hurts you and I don't know how to stop.” I paused,knowing my net words would hurt him.

“It feels exactly the same way it did a month ago, as if all I am is a rejected mate, regardless of thefact that you accepted me. The pain is still there. Nothing has changed and it kills me.

“It hurts me every time I hurt you and yet I don't know how to stop, I don’t know how to make thepain go away. I searched high and low, in each and every book I have about the Shadow wolf, butnone of them have been of any help. I can’t understand why our bond remains so weak even afteraccepting it.” I ranted frustrated, not once did he interrupt or stop me, he just let me speak my heartout.

He didn't say a word, instead he pulled me towards him and held me to his chest, my ear presseddirectly above his heart. The beating of his heart served to calm me down exponentially, “We'llfigure it out I promise.” He kissed the top of my head

“Thank you, thank you so much for sharing it with me.” he whispered in my ear and I felt the tensionfrom my body melt away.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I hurt you too, it just feels like every time we get close something threatensto tear us apart and pulls us further away from one another. I can't help feeling hurt every time youpush me away, but we will figure it out, I know we will. Just promise me one thing?” he asked and Inodded against his chest,

“Promise that no matter what happens, we will always replace our way back to one another?” I smiledand lifted my head off his chest.

“I promise.” I said without hesitation and held out my pinkie finger which he wrapped his ownaround and used to tug me impossibly closer until his breath fanned my face.