TITAN
Melanie

Eric andMelanie met just before middle school a couple of years after Sarah died. Ericwent to a small, private elementary school, where many of his classmates hadgone together since kindergarten. Eric had a close knit group of friends: Jim,Drew, Kyle, Sophia, Kathryn, and Blake. Everyone grew up together.

Eric, Drew,and Jim were the closest of all, having been together in school the longest.Sophia and Katherine were close girlfriends, though. Blake didn’t join theschool until the fourth grade, but boys make friends easily and he was acceptedafter a good Super Soaker war party.

In the lowergrades, Katherine and Sophia played with the guys at recess, but boys and girlsdidn’t interact much outside of that. As the fifth grade rolled around, theguys and girls started hanging out together more. All of their parents knew oneanother, too—Drew lived close to Katherine and Sophia in the Springfieldsuburbs. Eventually, they all started getting together for birthdays, hangingaround at the mall on weekends, seeing movies, and pool in the summertime.

By the sixthgrade, boys and girls started noticing each other as they do. The boys grewmuscles and the girls grew breasts. Everyone had acne. Even though Katherineand Sophia were pretty, it felt “out of bounds” for Eric, Jim, or Drew toconsider them as anything more than friends—they were like sisters. That wasthe year Melanie came to their school—a new girl without the baggage of havinggrown up with everyone. She was beautiful, vulnerable, and shy. Eric thought soanyway.

Melaniedidn’t talk much at first. Eric and his friends were open, though; the onlypeople they didn’t like were the ones that thought they were too cool forschool—every class has them. Melanie gravitated toward Sophia and Katherine. Byproxy, that included Eric and the guys. Eric had noticed Melanie before, butthe lunch when she first sat down with them was the first time he had seen hersmile. It seemed to light her face from the inside and filled her cheeks with adelightful pink hue.

Melanie’sdad was a lawyer who had wanted to work for the U.S. Attorney’s Office in D.C.for many years and finally made it. They moved from Texas. Eric thoughtMelanie’s Texas accent was sexy. She came from a big family—two brothers andtwo sisters, and her mom was pregnant again. The baby had since beenborn and was now five and attending kindergarten at their old school. Melanie likedpoetry and music and hated basketball.

Ericabsorbed all of these details like a sponge. He wanted to know everything abouther. Eric was just a boy, though—he wasn’t like some of the other guysin his class who had already gone on dates—girls terrified him. It was the sameparalyzing fear he felt in the present about Rose—what if he liked her but shedidn’t like him? Eric did nothing and said nothing about how he felt. He wenton talking to Melanie every day and never let on that he thought she was themost beautiful girl he’d ever met.

Thiscontinued for two years. Eric was too afraid that Melanie didn’t like him thesame way he liked her so he didn’t say anything. As the eighth grade wounddown, Eric and Melanie were in the same chemistry class. The teacher, Mrs.Brouchard, changed seating assignments after every test—higher scores sat inthe back of the room and lower scores sat right in front. For the last quarterof the year, Eric was seated right next to Melanie in the second to last row onthe left side of the room. By this point, they knew each other well enough totalk and get along, but Melanie was still shy. The boy/girl barrier had stillnot quite been broken with her. Eric thought if he couldn’t be with Melanie, hecould at least make her laugh. Mrs. Brouchard had a very thick Irish brogue andEric impersonated her all of the time because Melanie laughed at it every timewith her sweet, light giggle. Every time she laughed, her shyness broke andMelanie relaxed.

Eric alwaysdramatized the events of his life like it was a TV show or a movie. In Eric’shead, Melanie was his great, unrequited love. He couldn’t just ask her out ortell her how he felt—it had to be an “event.” He was just a boy who watched toomuch TV.

It felt alittle strange wanting to become more with Melanie since she was a part oftheir group. Everyone went together and he feared how things would change if heand Melanie became a couple. Could everyone still be friends?

Not longafter his class graduated from the eighth grade, Eric finally asked Melanieout. The importance of the moment, built up in his head for so long, finallymatched his expectations. Of course, he waited until the last minute.

Every classthat graduated from St. Thomas' Catholic School went to a park in Virginia,near Richmond, called Monarch Amusements. It is a typical amusement park withroller coasters, a water park, greasy over-priced food, and animal mascotslumbering around in ninety degree weather. It was a fun time for kids, but notreally for adults. Then again, a lot of things that kids love are usually notwhat adults like.

Everybodyboarded the bus in the school parking lot early in the morning so that theycould get to the park when it opened. It was a tour bus that had little TVsevery two seats. Since it was a school sanctioned trip, the edgiest movie theycould watch was The Mighty Ducks. Mostly, everybody talked and enjoyedtheir friends' company throughout the ride. Eric and his friends were lucky inthat they were all going to St. Paul's for high school—a lot of grads from St.Thomas went on to St. Paul's, but not everyone. Some people would no longer getto see their friends every day.

Ericmaneuvered into a seat next to Melanie, across the aisle, on the bus. He triednot to stare at her. She was dressed down more than he had ever seen her. Herlong blonde hair was untied and flowed around her face, and she wore jeanshorts and a tight tee shirt with her bikini top outlined in it. Eric focusedon Jim's ugly mug to contain himself.

At the park,things did not get off to a good start. Eric's group got divided in two betweenpeople who rode roller coasters and those who didn't. Melanie did not, but Ericdid. Also, since his parents volunteered to be chaperones, Eric couldn't justjoin Melanie's group. Eric would be apart from Melanie until lunch time whenhis group and the other one led by Sophia’s mom would meet up at the DinosaurGrill in the center of the park.

As theywalked to their first ride—the “Rattlesnake,” a loopty-loop roller coaster—Jimfell into stride beside Eric.

“So, today’sthe day, huh.” Jim said.

“…for?” Erichad never told anyone his secret.

Jim noddedat Melanie, still within sight, walking with Katherine. “Melanie. You’ve got tosay something before we get to high school. Things are going to change. Maybeyou won’t have any classes together. Ask her out.”

Ericdeflated. “What? Melanie? You’re kidding, I don’t…”

“Dude.”Jim’s tone was even. “At lunch, I’ll get Katherine’s attention. You talk toMelanie.”

Eric neverfigured out how Jim knew. After that day, it never seemed all that important.Eric appreciated it, though, despite the way things ended.

The twogroups unexpectedly converged before lunch at the water park. It was a hot day.The cloudless sky beat down on them with unending white heat. Eric suggesteddetouring to the water park to cool off.

While theylocked their stuff in the cheap quarter lockers at the entrance of the waterpark, Eric looked over his shoulder and immediately felt he had made the bestdecision ever when he caught sight of Sophia coming out of the women’s lockerroom followed immediately by Melanie. In a bathing suit.

Wow.

Jim nudgedEric. Eric dragged his eyes away from Melanie and looked his friend in the eye.Jim said: “Shit.”

Eric smiledand looked back at Melanie. She was wearing a light blue bikini with a sheerwrap around her hips. After two years of seeing her in a frumpy Catholic schooluniform or dressed down in jeans and a tee shirt, Eric couldn’t comprehend thatthis was beneath all of it.

Jim pushedEric’s face in another direction. “Okay. Now it’s obscene.”

Once Eric’sgroup changed, they went to the big “beach house” at the center of the waterpark. It was four levels high with water cannons, gang planks, and a giantbucket of water that filled up and dropped its payload down the front of thestructure periodically. St. Thomas planned the trip on a weekday to avoid bigcrowds this early into the season, so Eric and his friends had the run of theplace.

Jim and Drewbegan waging a water cannon war against each other. Eric made his way towardsMelanie. She was flanked on either side by Katherine and Sophia. He almost losthis nerve when two bolts of water snapped out of the “beach house” taggingKatherine and Sophia on their backs. Jim stood behind a cannon on the upperdeck and waved to Eric with a big grin on his face.

“Uhhhggg!”Katherine cried out. She didn’t get very wet, but even though it was hot out,the water was bitterly cold. Her skin broke out in fierce goose bumps and herface turned beet red.

Sophiascreeched and spun around. Another blast of water nailed her right in the face.Drew jumped back from his cannon in surprise. “I’m trying to hit Eric!”

Katherineand Sophia took off into the “beach house” screaming curses at the both ofthem. But now Melanie was alone. She looked like she was about to follow themin when Eric caught up with her.

“Hey.”

Melanielooked surprised as her eyes had initially followed her friends. “Oh, hey.”

“I’m notreally sure how to say what I want to, so I’m just gonna say it…” Eric lookedMelanie in her eyes. Her gorgeous green eyes. But it was hard. It burned at theedges of his vision to maintain her gaze, but he knew that he had to. “I likeyou. Like you more than, normal… ah, not not normal…”

Melanie heldhis gaze, too.

“No…”

That wordhung there for an eternity. Eric expected the next words to be horrible.Instead, what she said confused him and he didn’t know if it was acceptance orrejection; it was neutral.

“I know whatyou mean.”

Melanie’smilky, white cheeks flushed bright red. It sounds cartoonish, but Eric watchedit happen. Eric didn’t realize it at the time, but he had taken a breath afterMelanie said “no” and he hadn’t let it out yet.

Melanie’seyes searched Eric’s face. The expression on her face was scared. Eric knew itwell. He was terrified, too.

The soundsof water and splashing and laughing all faded away. They were together in atunnel of soundlessness that canceled out everyone but one another—it is aplace only young lovers can go when the discovery of love is fresh and new, andit’s as if no one had ever been there before them. Finally, Eric spoke becausesomeone had to.

“Does thatmean we could go out? On a date. As you and me, on a date.” Eric said. Once thewords were out, he couldn’t have them back and he was out there, open toattack, open to be broken, open to be shut down.

“Yes.” …open to having his feelings returned.One word. Melanie spoke one soft whisper and the knot of Eric’s stomach fleshrelaxed. The tension of those muscles glided up his body and tugged at hischeeks, pulling his lips into a smile he couldn’t have stopped if he had wantedto.

“Wow.” Erictried his best not to let the smile consume his face so he set his jaw andtried to purse his lips. “Okay, then.”

Melanie’sfrightful gaze transformed, too. Her response had freed them both. Her cheekswere still red, but she too broke out in a sweet smile. And when she looked atEric, there was something more in her eyes—a feeling that only she and Ericknew, that they felt the same way about each other.

Their gazeheld until the giant bucket of water dropped its payload.

The tunnelof soundlessness around them collapsed and Eric heard the water just before ithit them. Loud, heavy, and crushing. The beach house bucket emptied down onthem with hundreds of gallons of chilled, chlorinated water. Eric closed hiseyes and clenched his fists until the heavy pressure raining down on himstopped. When he opened his eyes, Eric didn’t understand what he was seeing.

A twisted, blue and white pair of—oh,God.

Melanie screamed. Her hands came up in frontof her breasts with whip-cracking speed. Eric only saw for the briefest ofinstants, but he was paralyzed with embarrassment. He did the only thing hecould think of; he reached down and plucked Melanie’s top out of the water.Eric looked away and held the top out for her to grab.

“Gosh, I’msorry, Melanie, here.”

Melaniesnatched her top out of Eric’s hand and ran for the locker room. He followedher at a distance and sat down at a covered table nearby. When she came backout, Melanie’s face was about as red as he’d ever seen it. She angled away fromhim with a flourish and said, “Oh, God.”

“Hey! Wait.”

Melaniestopped but wouldn’t turn around.

“Look, I’msorry. I swear, I didn’t see anything.”

“I feel sostupid.” Melanie sounded like she was going to cry.

“Oh,hey…” Eric took a step towards her and touched her shoulder. It was smooth andwarm. The feel of her stunned him for an instant. “There’s nothing to feelstupid about. It was an accident… it was a lot of water. I’m sorry I stoppedyou under the giant water bucket…”

“Not justthat. I don’t get it. What do you see in me?” Melanie looked at him. She lookedat him but wouldn’t meet his gaze.

The questionstartled Eric because to him the answer was obvious: “Because you’re beautiful.You have a great laugh. You actually talk to me like a person. I’ve neverreally talked to a girl the way I talk to you.”

NowMelanie’s eyes lifted to Eric’s. She smiled and her bottom lip trembled. “Noboy has ever said anything like that to me. No boy’s ever talked to me like aperson either.”

Eric’sbutterflies and nerves were gone. He knew and she knew. What was there to beafraid of anymore? “Let’s go talk to each other like people, then.” He touchedher hand at first, just a touch, and then he grasped her fingers and pulled heralong with him.

“Okay,” Ericsaid. “You just can’t flash me again.”

Melanieplayfully pulled away. “God! Don’t say that!”

Ericremembered that moment always and no clearer than on the day Melanie broke upwith him. They had dated for more than two years when it was all over.Together, Eric and Melanie explored the frontiers of young love, feelinglonging and not completely alive unless they were with each other. High schooldidn’t change things… not at first.

Eric andMelanie were content to date, spend time with their friends, and go toschool—rinse and repeat. At first, simply holding hands was a treat. Melaniewanted him to put his arm around her in the movie theater. Eventually, he did.Holding Melanie’s soft, warm shoulders felt like just about the most incrediblething in the world. And even better was when her tiny, gentle hands clutchedhis arm or touched against his chest. The feeling wasn’t incredible because ofthe touch itself; no, what made it so special was having Melanie touch him becauseshe wanted to. She wanted to feel his skin, his heartbeat, his heat, and hisstrength. It was intoxicating.

Katherineand Sophia were not as excited about the relationship as Eric and Melanie were.Relationships between the sexes were still new—everyone matured and progressedat different speeds. Katherine had been left behind. She was accustomed togirls hanging out with girls and boys hanging out with boys. Eric and Melanieflew in the face of her worldview.

Unfortunately,what happened to Eric and Melanie was a perfect storm of youth, hurt, andcircumstance. It’s been said that high school is a place where young men andwomen begin to figure out who they are. Melanie began to question who she was.Eric was content for things to stay the same. Melanie wondered why she likedthe music she did—was it because she genuinely liked it or was it because shewas supposed to like it? Why did she dress like her mom wanted her to? Whycouldn’t she wear less and show more? Eric didn’t mind those changes so much… butMelanie changed.

Katherinebegan to draw Melanie away. Sophia was more accepting of the relationship, butshe liked being with her friend, too, so she followed Katherine’s lead. Shewhispered in Melanie’s ear more and more. Why do you have to spend everyFriday night with him? What about a girl’s night? He doesn’t treat you verynice… why do you put up with it?

And whatabout that? It was true. You see, Eric was not all torn up inside simplybecause Melanie broke up with him. He was ripped apart because when it cameright down to it, he could have prevented it. He could still be with her if hehadn’t been a jerk. At first, it was little things. Eric picked on Melanie forstupid things like her taste in music or movies. Just cute, playful ribbing.But then, the thing that can happen to any guy in a relationship happened: Ericgot comfortable. He loved Melanie. That was true and it always was. And justlike a young man in love, he was inexperienced. He only knew that he wantedher.

But Ericcould be a real bastard.

Eric learnedthat Melanie was sensitive and quick to cry. So he used it. He manipulated her.He would make her cry to get his way. He’d hang up the phone on her in themiddle of conversations, twist her words against her, or give her the silent treatmentand feign hurt to ply her emotions. This worked until it didn’t. Melanietoughened up; it took more to make her cry and hurt her feelings—so Eric laidit on thicker. He did it again and again. Melanie cried and wept, feeling herinsides torn out each and every time. Finally, he threatened to break up withMelanie. Nothing made her cry as hard as those threats. She pleaded with himnot to. She apologized and pledged to do anything to stop him. Eric relied onit like a drug.

But thensomething changed. Eric learned what it was. Eric threatened to hang up onMelanie once and she said, “Ok.” And she hung up. Melanie called his bluff. Butnow Melanie had figured it out or at least she wasn’t going to participate anyfurther. In fact, she began to use it on Eric.

Melaniebecame cold and cynical. It wasn’t just with Eric, but with everyone. Eric onlyrealized later that Melanie didn’t like who she was—that she only liked themusic, movies, and pop culture things that she did because it was what everyoneelse liked. In the end, maybe what happened was more a result of that changethan anything Eric did. Eric would never know. How their relationship ended wasa confluence of circumstances, but weighted heaviest was Eric’s love, turnedugly abuse. He wanted her so badly that he drove her away.

When theending approached, Eric should have seen it coming. Maybe he could have changedsomething. For two months, Melanie was dodgy. She and Eric rarely spent timetogether. Sometimes it was nice, like it always had been; sometimes it was coldand uncomfortable. And then on their last day together, Melanie was aggressive.She came on to Eric unlike ever before. Melanie had been a prude—she wasuncomfortable with herself and she didn’t like to be seen touching in public. Evenhand-holding was a problem if her dad saw them.

On the daybefore they broke up, Melanie was in porn-star training. Sealed away in Eric’sroom, Melanie’s hands went everywhere. She pulled him on top of her on the edgeof Eric’s bed and slid his hand up her shirt, beneath her bra. She squeezed hishand over her right breast and pressed it into her nipple. A low moan escapedher lips. Her other hand moved up Eric’s shirt and clutched at his chest,pulling at the hair; it then moved down and slipped into the back of his jeanswhere it grasped his ass beneath his boxer briefs.

Eric had pulled away from her. “Are yousure about this?” Something of his innocent love remained—she was stilluntouchable.

Her answer was non-committal and if Erichadn’t had an achingly hard erection in his pants he might have noticed shedidn’t say “yes” or “no,” but: “Don’t stop.”

WithMelanie’s hand down his pants and his hand clutching her soft, almost powderybreast, Eric wasn’t in a position to disagree. Nothing happened other than someaggressive heavy petting and rubbing, but afterwards, when Melanie left, herkiss goodbye was cold, absent. Then she disappeared out his front door withouta glance back.

The next daywas the last time Eric talked to Melanie. It was the last time he kissed her.It was the last time he saw that flicker of love they had shared.

Beforeschool started, Melanie pulled Eric aside while he was talking with Jim andDrew. “I have made a decision,” she said.

“Okay,” Erichad said. “About what?”

“About us.”Her tone chilled Eric’s heart. It was the first layer of frost that Eric’sheart grew. He denied it, but Eric knew where this was going. He wished shewould have just done it, right then and there. Instead, she walked away. Hecouldn’t have told you what he learned that day; Eric’s mind was elsewhere.Oddly, instead of thinking about all of the times he had been rude, mean, orcruel, he was thinking only about the moan that rose up from Melanie’s lipswhen he caressed her breast. He didn’t want it to be the last time, even thoughhe knew that it was.

Melanie’sfinal revenge was a gut punch. As badly as he’d fucked up, Eric would neverforgive Melanie for the cold, calculating way that she ended it. Eric was nevervindictive—he just wanted to be with Melanie so badly that he would hurt her todo it. Not a big difference, but it was there.

Melaniewaited for Eric after school where they all had waited during dismissal forthree years, behind a bush in an alcove off one of the school’s main entrancefoyers. No one else was there. Later, Eric learned that Jim and Drew had beenlured away by Katherine and Sophia to an after-school giveaway of front-rowparking spaces. Melanie sat on the ledge with the bush to her back. Her legsand arms were crossed. Her hair was up in a tight bun. The forward, relaxed,aggressive girl that had pressed her breast into his hand was gone.

“What isthis?” Eric asked. He never took his eyes off of her.

“This isbreaking up.”

The spacebehind Eric’s eyes grew white hot and hearing the words “breaking up” spokenaloud finally shattered his delusion. It was over and this time, Melanie was incontrol. Eric learned that Melanie used that power far more effectively than heever had.

The onlyresponse he had mirrored how pitiful he felt inside, “Why?”

Melanieactually smirked as if she expected the question. “Because I don’t love you.”An arrow pierced his heart. “And I never did.” She twisted it.

Ericclenched his jaw so hard that it hurt. His eyes stared into hers looking forsomething, scrambling to replace some way to get back in, but she wasimpenetrable. So he said the only thing he had to say: “You’re lying. I knowthat.”

Melaniehesitated, but only for a moment. “I thought I loved you. But I don’t know whatlove is. Neither do you.”

Eric’s eyes narrowed. It was the only wayhe could keep the explosion that had erupted in his brain from bursting outfrom behind his eyes. “You don’t know what I know. I love you. I have from theday I met you.”

Finally,Melanie reacted, but Eric could see that no matter what he hit her with, he hadmade her too hard to come back. Melanie looked down and away from him as ifseeing the past. Her lip trembled and her voice cracked, “We were differentthen. What did you think was going to happen, Eric? Are we meant to be?Are we supposed to get married? We’re seventeen. I don’t know myself. You don’tknow yourself.”

Eric tookher harshest blows and never wavered. Tears welled up around his eyes. Melaniesaw them, but she did not delight in them like she thought she would.

Melanie sawher mom’s van. Without a word she slipped her backpack onto her shoulders andscooted off the ledge. Katherine exited the building to Eric’s right andglanced at Eric; she saw the tears in his eyes and did what Melanie wouldn’t:she smiled.

“Youcomin’?” Katherine asked Melanie, motioning to the van.

Melanienodded and then walked up to Eric and looked into his eyes. “Bye.” She leanedin and kissed his lips, softly—her lips were cold and chapped. Then she walkedwith Katherine to her mom’s van. Only Katherine looked back, with a puckishgrin, as she threw her arm around Melanie’s shoulders.

Whateverhate Eric wanted to throw at Melanie was gone. He was hollow inside and therewas nothing to throw. Maybe it was high school drama, but it was real and Ericfelt it. The crying came later, but by then it was an empty exercise.Everything was gone.

When Drewand Jim found him later, Eric told them what had happened, but they were lessthan helpful. They expected him to just get over it. Eric had loved Melanie. Inwhatever way that was possible, he had loved her and had the gift of hindsightto show him how it had spoiled. How he had spoiled it.

Exactly oneweek later, Jim told Eric and Drew that he wouldn’t be back at the academy forsenior year—he was going to Wyoming. Katherine, Sophia, Kyle, and the othershad all waited for dismissal somewhere else that day—they all knew what Melanieplanned to do except for Drew and Jim. Eric never talked to any of them again.He heard through the grapevine that they were all talking shit about him. Theytook Melanie’s side and with that, Eric’s only friend left in school was Drew.Sure, Jim was around for several months before he left, but Eric hardlyremembered. He was someplace else.

Eric onlyremembered that when he was at Jim’s house the night before he left forWyoming, they had said goodbye the way that only guys can: with a shrug and ahandshake. “I’ll see you in a year,” Eric had said.

“A year,”Jim repeated. “It’s not so bad. In a year we’ll be at college and we’ll beroommates—just don’t tell Drew.”

“I won’t.”

* * *

Eric lookedacross the table at Rose, who pulled her hand back. She shook her head andtouched her brow. Eric felt foggy too. Something inside of him felt tired andpeaceful. Did I just tell her that story or…?

“Jim,” Rosemurmured. She sounded like she was drugged.

“What?”

Rose’s eyesopened wide. A flurry of warnings rattled him from the inside.

Eric beganto turn but didn’t make it all the way around. A fleeting glimpse of Jim followedwith stars and bright-white pain. He felt himself fly through the front windowof the restaurant.

The onlysound that made it through the chaos in his head was Rose’s high-pitched shriekpunctuated by the loud shattering of glass.