Torn (All Torn Up Book 1)
Torn: Chapter 3

Kenzi ~ age four

Toren ~ age nineteen

I put on one of my old Elvis CDs to listen to while I boil water for ravioli. It’s one of the few things she’ll eat now since she’s going through a weird picky eating phase.

‘When are mommy and daddy coming back home?’ She tugs on the leg of my jeans and stares up at me.

‘Tomorrow.’

She points to the stereo. ‘Is this my Daddy singing?’

‘No, Angel. It’s Elvis. Do you like it?’

‘Uh huh. Will you dance me?’

I smile down at her. I did her pigtails lopsided again, but I think it adds to her cuteness. ‘You wanna dance?’

She raises her arms up to me and I take her hands in mine. ‘Okay…step on,’ I tell her, and she puts her tiny feet on top of mine, and we dance around the kitchen with her giggling wildly.

‘We’re dancin’!’ she squeals.

Kenzi

Almost my entire family has congregated at our house to see me all dressed up to go to my senior prom. My father, my grandparents, my great-grandmother, Rayne, Sydni, and Toren are all here to gawk at me. I’m so embarrassed with all the attention that I want to fall through the floor. They make Jason and I pose all over the house for pictures, and Jason has actually gained a few points for being so tolerant of the whole embarrassing ordeal.

‘Okay, we really have to go, or the limo is going to leave,’ I finally say when I can’t stand it anymore. ‘We still have to pick up Chloe and her date.’

‘The driver will wait,’ my father says, pulling me in for a hug as we walk toward the foyer to make our exit. ‘You look beautiful. Have a good time. And no drinking. Or drugs.’

‘Dad. Please.’

Behind my dad, Tor is glaring at Jason with his you better not mess with our girl or I’ll kill you face and I make a warning expression back at him to stop.

‘We’re going!’ I announce, grabbing my bag. ‘I love you guys.’

Taking Jason’s hand, we make for the door and practically run to the limo waiting in the driveway.

‘My God. I’m so sorry,’ I say when we get inside and the driver closes the door behind us.

‘It’s alright. Your family is cool.’

‘Yeah. A little overbearing sometimes, though.’

‘Be glad my parents are out of town or they’d want to be doing the same thing.’

We stop to pick up Chloe and her boyfriend, Brendan, who’s also good friends with Jason and she squeals when she sees me, gushing over how beautiful we both look.

I’m not a dress girl at all. I feel completely awkward, and honestly not very beautiful wearing this purple dress and insanely high heels that Chloe and Rayne talked me into when we went dress shopping a few weeks ago. I really want to go home and throw on an old faded t-shirt and ripped jeans and curl up on the couch with a book or maybe watch a movie and binge on chocolate and ice cream.

We had a plan to go to the prom, then go to Hampton Beach for the night and spend the day on the beach tomorrow, as most of our graduating class is doing. One of Jason’s friends is supposed to drive us back home tomorrow night. We have two rooms booked; one for Chloe and I and one for the guys. But earlier today, Chloe threw a surprise change at me and made it clear that she and Brendan are taking one room for themselves so they can go at it all night like rabbits. This obviously leaves me alone in a room with Jason, which I’m trying to get myself mentally prepared for because I’m not sure if I’m ready. All day I wanted to call Jason and tell him I was sick and bail out of the prom completely, but I knew that would be unfair to him and then Chloe would get all crazy mad at me. Now it seems like everyone is looking forward to the prom and the beach and a nighttime rendezvous with their date. Except me.

I’ve never been alone in a bedroom with a guy before, let alone a hotel room, which is basically just code for sex room. Even though we’ve fooled around a few times over the past few weeks, I still don’t feel like I want to rip Jason’s clothes off, or have him rip mine off. I’ve tried to get in the mood with him and turn my brain off and my body on, but so far my body hasn’t gotten on board with his groping and nipple manhandling. To me it all feels like a really deranged doctor is giving me an examination, and I can tell he’s getting impatient with me stopping him every time he tries to go further. I’m not sure if him not dumping me by now is due to him actually liking me, or because now I’ve become a conquest for him.

The ballroom of the hotel has been turned into a magical dance floor surrounded by tables each with seating for six. We replace our table, and just as I’m wishing I was a better dancer, Jason and Brendan are approached by a friend of theirs who flashes a bag of weed and a flask, and they disappear with him.

Chloe shrugs. ‘Don’t worry; they’ll be back.’

Dinner comes and goes. Then dessert, and the guys still haven’t come back. Our class president starts to announce the winners for things like most likely to succeed, best couple, prom king and queen, and I’m surprised when I hear that I was voted female with the prettiest eyes.

‘Way to go, honey,’ Chloe cheers.

‘Thanks,’ I look around the room, wondering if the guys are ever coming back. ‘This kinda sucks. We haven’t even danced. You and I could have just come together. What did we need the guys for if they were going to ditch us anyway?’

‘I’ll dance with you.’

I shake my head at her and laugh. ‘My feet hurt way too much to dance now. These shoes are awful.’

‘Guys hate the prom, Kenz. They just come to party. The real fun is after the prom.’ She takes a few sips of her red punch. ‘Are you going to be okay tonight?’

Letting out an aggravated sigh, I slip my shoes off under the table before answering her. ‘You could have told me this was your plan, Chloe. I really didn’t want to be trapped with him alone in a hotel room.’

‘God. You make it sound like it’s terrible. Why can’t you just enjoy yourself? Just let it happen and get it over with. I figured this was the best way to do it, like pushing you into the deep end of the pool.’

‘I didn’t want my first time to be with some guy who’s drunk and high.’

She rolls her eyes. ‘I’m pretty sure it’s like that for ninety percent of the population, Kenzi. You’ve been reading too many books. Trust me, your first time is not going to be some epic earth-shattering experience. Drink a little first, or smoke a joint. It’ll be easier if you’re loosened up.’ She giggles at her own words. ‘Loose in several ways!’ she laughs.

I shake my head and look away from her to watch a couple whose names I can’t remember dance in the center of the dim dance floor. She’s smiling up at him, and him down at her, their arms wrapped tightly around each other. They look happy and in love. That’s what I want.

‘I think I’ll pass on being loose,’ I say.

When my parents used to bring me on tour with them, I was around drunk and stoned people all the time, and those memories have snuffed out any interest for me to ever drink or do drugs, for any reason. I like to be in control of how I’m acting and the decisions I’m making.

Another half hour goes by before the guys finally show up, their eyes bloodshot, both of them laughing at nothing remotely funny.

‘You ladies ready to get out of here?’ Brendan asks, pulling Chloe out of her chair.

‘We thought you’d never ask,’ she replies, winding herself around him.

‘Sorry I missed the dinner, babe,’ Jason says, putting his around me as we walk out of the hotel. I’m not sure when I became ‘babe’. ‘And I’m a pretty sucky dancer, anyway,’ he adds.

‘It’s okay. The food wasn’t that great, so you didn’t miss much.’

His arm tightens around my waist, and he leans into my neck, his breath reeking of alcohol. ‘I’ll make it up to you at the hotel.’

Nerves turn my stomach as we climb into the back of the limo. I’m grateful the driver is not one of my father’s usuals. Initially, my dad wanted to pay for the limo and have one of his drivers take us, but Jason and Brendan insisted on paying, and now I know why. Chloe must have told them that they had to get the limo out of my father’s control to make sure that word didn’t get back to him that we ended up in a hotel for the night. I’m annoyed at Chloe’s orchestration to ensure she tricked me into spending the night with Jason, even though I know her intentions are for me to have fun. I don’t like being manipulated.

The boys resume drinking once we hit the road, and Chloe joins them. I decline when Jason offers the bottle to me. Smiling, he pulls me against his chest. ‘You don’t have to be a good girl all the time, Kenzi.’ He whispers, his lips against my ear.

I know I don’t have to be, but I want to be. Why is being good considered bad? Just a few hours ago half my family stood in my living room, proud of me and happy for me, telling me how beautiful I looked, and how handsome Jason was. They thought they were sending me off to experience one of the happiest nights of my teen life. I feel ashamed that now I’m on my way to a hotel, about to lose my virginity to a drunk guy who probably won’t even remember me by the end of the summer. My mother would be incredibly disappointed.

I feel sick and trapped, and not excited in any way about what’s to come.

When we reach the hotel, Jason and Brendan go to the office to check us in while Chloe and I wait outside. I watch the limo pull away, wishing I had asked the driver to take me home. Now my ride is gone, and I have no way to get home until tomorrow.

‘I feel kinda sick,’ Chloe says, grabbing onto my arm.

‘Are you okay?’ Under the parking lot lights, she looks like a mess. The makeup she paid someone a hundred dollars earlier today to apply is smeared, and her perfect updo is now very much down. The bodice of her black dress is stretched from Brendan’s groping. I want to drag my best friend out of here, take her home, and scrub her face.

‘I think I’m gonna be si-‘ she turns towards the bushes and vomits.

Ugh.

The guys join us a few minutes later and laugh at Chloe, who’s bent over in the bushes, but immediately vaults herself into Brendan’s arms when she’s done. I have an immense urge to shove a piece of minty gum into her mouth as they lean into each other for a kiss.

‘You two have fun,’ she drawls as Brendan leads her away to their room.

Jason grabs our duffel bags and eyes me suggestively. ‘Well, at least you’re not puking in the parking lot,’ he jokes. ‘Let’s go replace our room and get this party started.’

Our room is just like any other hotel room, with the usual stiff bed, ugly orange comforter and generic pictures on the walls. I’ve been in literally hundreds of these rooms over the years with my parents. I make a beeline for the bathroom, which always seems to be in the same place. I blot my face, fix my hair, and rinse my mouth with the tiny bottle of mouthwash provided by the hotel.

Calm down. I tell my reflection. Stop being a loser prude. Relax, have fun and get this milestone out of the way. Stop being the class weirdo.

I open the door, prepared to attempt to have some fun, to replace Jason right outside.

‘Hey. I was just going to ask if you were coming out.’ His blue eyes are glazed, his tone slightly slurred. He doesn’t move from the doorway to let me by. Instead, his gaze drifts down to my chest before he leans in to kiss me, his hands circling my waist, pulling me against him.

‘You’re so fuckin’ hot, Kenzi…’ His hands move down my body to paw my ass through the thin material of my dress.

‘Jason…’ I try to squirm from his touch but he backs me up against the sink, his lips coming down hard on mine again.

‘I’ve been waiting weeks to get you like this…’ His hands slide up and squeeze my breasts, his fingers pulling the delicate fabric aside. ‘God, your tits are fucking amazing…’

His head bows down to dive into my cleavage and I take that as an opportunity to grab his hands and push him away.

‘I’m sorry…can we kinda slow down…?’ My heart rate picks up speed, but not from desire. I’m panicking, not sure how to get away from him. The way he’s touching me is making me feel dirty and scared.

His hand snakes around my neck and a grin flashes across his face. ‘I’ll go as slow as you want, baby.’ He kisses me again and the taste of alcohol on him makes me queasy. ‘You’ve got the body of a fuckin’ porn star, Kenzi.’ His hands are everywhere, on my ass, on my breasts, trying to pull my dress up my thighs.

‘What?’ I try to pull away from him, feeling my face flush. I don’t even know what he’s talking about but it doesn’t sound like a compliment I want.

‘This ass and these huge tits,’ he nips at my neck. ‘All these fucking curves,’ he slides his hands from my breasts down to my ass, then brings one hand between us, shoving it between my legs, bunching the fabric of my dress up against me. ‘All the guys want to fuck you, and half the girls, too. You’re hot as fucking hell.’

Disgusted, I push him off me, and he stumbles, feeling the effects of the alcohol. ‘Stop. I don’t want to do this.’

He comes back at me. ‘No, no, no. We’re not playing this game anymore, Kenzi. For weeks you’ve been teasing me and I can’t take anymore.’ He tries to kiss me again, but I duck away from him and slam my hands into his chest.

‘Jason, stop. I mean it.’

His eyes go dark. ‘What the fuck? You think I paid all this money for this room so we can sit here and talk?’

I bite back tears. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll give you the money for the room.’

‘You think your little rich spoiled ass is too good to be fucked by me?’

‘No, not at all,’ I swallow hard, his anger feeding my fear. ‘I’m just not ready for this.’

He sneers at me. ‘Not ready? Your body was made to get fucked, Kenzi. The faster you accept it, the better off we’ll be. Now shut up and let’s have some fun.’

‘Fuck you, Jason. You’re a drunk asshole.’

I push past him and get myself out of the tiny bathroom, but he follows me, grabbing my arm and spinning me around. ‘Come on, Kenzi. Stop being a cock tease.’

‘I’m not trying to be one!’

‘Why the hell do you think you’re here?’ He slams his fist against the wall.

‘I didn’t agree to be here with you, Jason. This was Chloe’s idea, not mine. Why are you acting like this? I’ll give you your money back, I just want to go home.’

His lip actually curls at me. ‘Fuck off, Kenzi. I’m outta here. There’s plenty of chicks here that aren’t stuck up bitches. Too bad your body’s wasted on such a cold stupid bitch.’ He storms out of the room, slamming the door hard behind him.

Deep breaths aren’t doing much to calm me. No one’s ever talked to me like that before or said such ugly things to me. Sitting on the bed, I try to gather my wits. I could lock the door and stay here ’til morning, tell Chloe what happened, and get a ride home. But what if Jason comes back? He still has his room key. I can’t sleep in this room knowing he could come back in at any time.

I pick up my bag and head for the lobby, trying to figure out where I can go. I could call a cab, but they’ll have to bring me home and then my dad will know something went wrong. One look at me and he’ll know, and I can’t do that to him now when he’s right in the midst of working on a new album. If I get him all distracted with my drama, it will interfere with his creativity because he’ll immediately feel like he has to do something to fix this for me. I refuse to do that to him.

Rayne would come get me, but she’ll want to track Jason down and tell him off and make a big crazy scene.

There’s only one other person I know who will come get me in the middle of the night without question.

I count to ten and press his contact image on my phone screen, and it rings four times before he answers.

‘Kenzi?’

‘Hi…’

‘What’s up? You okay?’

‘Yeah…I just kinda need a ride. Do you think you can come get me? Are you busy?’

‘You know I will. I just got home. Where are you?’

I clutch the phone, knowing he’s going to blow a gasket. ‘At the Blue Robin down at Hampton Beach.’

‘A fucking hotel? I thought you were spending the night at Chloe’s?’

‘That’s what I told my father.’

‘Kenzi…’ Disappointment laces his voice.

‘Tor, come on. Please don’t make this harder.’

His keys jingle in the background, then the distinct sound of his front door opening and closing. ‘I’m on my way. It’s gonna take me about an hour to get there, though. Are you okay? You’re not hurt or anything?’

‘No, I’m fine. Just humiliated.’

‘That’s fixable. Are you in a room?’

‘No, I left the room to get away from Jason’

‘Then stay in the lobby, okay? Don’t be wandering around in the dark by yourself. The beach can get weird at night. The last thing we need is you getting picked up by a sex trafficker.’

‘What? What the hell, Tor?’ Sex trafficker? As if I wasn’t nervous enough already, now I have to sit here and worry about being thrown into the back of a van and sold to someone.

‘Just stay in the lobby.’

After we get off the phone I huddle in the corner of the lobby with a magazine hoping the manager doesn’t come and kick me out or make me go back to the room. The last thing I want is another run-in with Jason.

Tor’s truck pulls into the parking lot of the hotel a little over an hour later. I’m so glad to see him that I don’t make any of my usual funny comments about him being late. He looks me up and down when I climb into his truck but doesn’t say anything until after we’ve been driving for about ten minutes.

‘I’ll fuck that kid up if he did anything to hurt you, Kenz,’ he finally says, his hand tightening on the steering wheel, his eyes not leaving the road.

‘He didn’t hurt me. He was drinking all night, and I didn’t want to put out. He got mad, we argued a little bit, and then he left to go to a party in someone else’s room. I didn’t want to be there alone after that.’

‘Put out?’ he practically spits the words. ‘Jesus Christ. I can’t stand hearing that shit come out of your mouth. It’s fucking degrading.’

‘Well, what do you want me to say? That I wouldn’t sleep with him? Is that better?’

‘No.’

‘He called me a cock tease, too. I never even once hinted that I wanted to have sex with him. I haven’t teased him at all.’

Tor’s jaw clenches and he shakes his head. ‘I’m gonna turn this truck around and put that kid in the fucking ground. Does that little shit think he can treat you like that and get away with it? Does he have any fucking idea who he’s messing with?’

I touch his arm. ‘Tor, stop. Do you want to go to jail for assault again? Please just take me home. I want to forget all the filthy things he said to me.’

‘If I hear any more of this I’ll fucking kill him.’

‘Fine.’ I cross my arms in front of me, wishing I had changed my clothes and gotten out of this ridiculous dress.

He glances over at me. ‘I didn’t mean you couldn’t talk. I just meant I can’t hear any more of how he treated you without going back to teach that scumbag a lesson on how to treat a woman. And how not to.’

‘I really don’t want to talk at all,’ I reply, trying not to cry. ‘Can we just listen to some music?’

‘If that’s what you want.’ He connects his phone via Bluetooth to the stereo and starts up my favorite Eagles playlist that he made just for me a few months ago.

‘Better?’ He asks.

‘Better.’

I rest my head back against the car seat and close my eyes, letting the music ease away the stress of the night. Music has always been a huge part of my life. I may not be a musician like the rest of my family, but the love of music is embedded in my bones and lives deep in my soul. Nothing makes me feel more content than my favorite songs. While I love both of my parent’s bands and their music, I have lots of other favorite bands that I listen to. A favorite song or melody can be so therapeutic and take you back to a better time and place, almost make you feel like you’re really back there again. These songs on Tor’s playlist remind me of when my mom was still here, and she and Dad would sit on the back porch and talk, drink wine and listen to the Eagles. I’d get comfy in my beanbag chair with my favorite books, and we’d sit out there for hours. It didn’t happen often since both my parents traveled a lot, but those nights were always my favorites. I’d do anything to have just one more night like that again with my mom and dad.

‘Can I stay at your place until tomorrow afternoon?’ I ask Tor when we get near the exit to our town. ‘If you take me home now my Dad is going to know something happened.’

‘Where the hell is Chloe?’

‘Probably under Brendan.’

‘Terrific,’ he sighs.

‘Yup.’

‘You can stay at my place, and I’m not going to tell your father about this. He’ll lose his mind if he knows you lied to him to stay at a hotel with a guy. So now we’re both lying to your dad.’

‘I’m sorry, Tor. Really. And I didn’t know about this. Chloe and I were supposed to share a room. She switched everything up when we got there and there was nothing I could do.’

‘Let’s just get home. What’s done is done, and I’m too tired to fight about teen drama.’

I’m half asleep by the time we pull into Toren’s driveway, and I feel bad that he must be utterly exhausted after working all day, probably chasing dogs around all night, and then driving almost three hours for me.

‘I really do appreciate you doing all this for me,’ I say when we get inside his house. ‘I didn’t mean to piss you off and ruin your night.’

He lets out a deep sigh. ‘I’m not mad at you, Kenz. I’m glad you called me. You can always come to me. You know that.’

‘I know. And I appreciate it. I’m sorry if I disappointed you. That bothers me more than anything else that happened tonight.’

‘You didn’t.’ He throws his car keys on the kitchen table. ‘You can’t get through life without making mistakes, right? It’s how we learn.’

I nod and pull the clip out of my hair, letting it fall around my shoulders. ‘True.’ I kick off my shoes, relieved to be out of them. ‘Jason started to drink and hang out with his friends as soon as we got there. I just sat there getting blisters. I didn’t even get to dance or anything; it was a total waste of time and money.’

He tilts his head and smiles at me. ‘I can fix that.’ He crosses the living room to his mp3 player that’s hooked up to his speaker system, hits the play button, and Elvis’s smooth voice fills the room.

My mouth falls open in surprise. ‘Wow. I remember this.’

‘Do you?’

‘Yes. You danced with me on your feet when I was little. I used to love that.’

He moves to stand in front of me and takes my hand in his. ‘Let’s try it without you standing on my feet.’

Laughing, I put my hand on his shoulder as he lightly touches my waist. ‘Okay,’ I reply. ‘But I’m afraid I’m not much better than I was when I was five. Your feet still aren’t safe.’

He laces his fingers through mine. ‘Don’t worry about it. I’m not any better, either.’

As we sway together, our bodies a few inches apart, I realize my forehead comes to his chin. I don’t know why I like that, but I do. Jason and I are the same height, and it felt awkward to me when we kissed – as if we were sorta unbalanced even though we were even in height. I think the man should be taller than the woman, it looks better to me. And now I know it feels better.

‘I always loved when you played these songs for me when I was little.’

‘That’s because you thought it was your dad singing. Actually, you thought every guy singer you heard was him.’

I laugh because that’s true. It took me a long time to understand that not every man on the radio was him singing. ‘I’ve just always loved his voice.’

‘He does have a good voice, but he can’t compare to the King.’

Letting go of his hand, I bring mine together behind his head, pull the black rubber band out of his ponytail, and wrap it around my wrist. With a shy smile, I clasp my fingers together at the back of his neck while he gives his head a little shake, his hair landing in an oddly alluring shaggy mess.

‘Why’d you do that?’ He asks, his warm hands circling my waist, pulling me a little closer to him.

‘I like how it looks when it’s messy.’ His hands tighten around me, and he turns us towards the window where the blue glow of the moon is shining through, revealing his devilish grin in the dim light of his living room.

‘I think you just want to steal my rubber band,’ he accuses.

‘It’s not stealing if you let me have it.’

His smile widens. ‘You’re right. Should I be worried about you hoarding all my stuff? I thought you would have outgrown this by now. You’re not gonna start clipping pieces of my hair, are ya?’

Tilting my head, I finger the ends of his hair, pretending I’m contemplating that. ‘I do like your hair,’ I tease playfully, but on the inside, I’ve started to shake like a leaf. I haven’t stood this close to him since I was a little girl, and I can feel his body heat mingling with mine. It’s exhilarating and frightening at the same time. I slide my hands down to his shoulders, thinking it will ground me to hold on to him, but instead, the inner jittering amplifies. His shoulders are wide and hard, so different from the boys I’ve touched. Where they were athletic and lean, he’s like a rock wall. The solidity of him is incredibly powerful, almost commanding me to get closer, to touch him more.

‘I kinda want your shoulders,’ I say with a light laugh to mask my nervousness as my hands move hesitantly down towards his chest.

He leans his forehead against mine, still swaying us slowly back and forth to the music, and laughs softly. ‘Unfortunately, you can’t take those home and put them in your box. They’re stuck to me.’

Suddenly I’m overtaken with the notion of taking him home with me, putting him in my box of cherished things and keeping him for my very own.

I’ve lost my mind.

I peek up at him through my bangs to replace his eyes just inches from mine, hidden behind his impossibly long dark lashes.

‘I could get a bigger box,’ I whisper, my heart fluttering.

His eyes open and lock onto mine, and somehow the space between us is diminished, our bodies leaning into each other, my breasts against his chest. I’m not sure which one of us moved or if we moved at the same time. All I know is I don’t want to ever move again.

‘Yeah…you could.’

My breath catches at the soft deepness of his voice and the unexpected brush of his hand across my cheek. My gaze drifts to his lips, so close to mine, but not nearly close enough.

Oh God, I want him to kiss me.

As if he can read my mind, he quickly pulls away from me, clearing his throat as he walks across the room to turn off the music.

‘Tor…’

‘It’s late. We should go to bed,’ he says, looking at the mp3 player likes it’s the most fascinating thing he’s ever seen and very obviously not looking at me.

My heart is pounding so hard in my chest I can’t replace the strength or air to speak. I nod slowly to his back and bend down to pick up my shoes and bag, glancing over at him questioningly.

Wow. My very first cold shoulder. This night just keeps getting better and better.

‘You can sleep in the guest room,’ he says, still turned away. ‘You know where everything is.’

‘Okay,’ My voice is squeaky and strange and doesn’t sound like mine at all. ‘Thank you for picking me up. I’m sorry-‘

‘Don’t apologize, Kenz. You did the right thing calling me.’

Did I?

‘Could I borrow a t-shirt? I don’t have anything to sleep in.’

The look on his face when he turns burns right through me. ‘I’m not even going to ask why you didn’t bring anything to sleep in when you were staying at a hotel with someone.’

‘I forgot…’ I say, following him to his bedroom. And it’s the truth, I really did forget.

He’s just shaking his head at me as he pulls a big black tee shirt out of his dresser, and hands it to me without looking at me.

‘Thank you.’

Once behind the closed door of the guest room, I let out a deep, shaky breath. I have no idea what just happened, but it was definitely something new. I felt it. And I’m pretty sure he did, too.

I think all relationships start with an invisible line, and even though we can’t see it, we all know it’s there because we can feel it. We respect that line because it keeps the bounds of the relationship intact. The line guides us within our relationships and dictates who is our friend, who is our family, who is our lover, who is someone we can or can’t trust. The line between Tor and I is somewhat unique, because it criss-crosses between family and friend, and just now it blurred into something I can’t quite describe. I’m not sure where our line is anymore, or if I even want a line at all.

I quickly change out of my prom dress, into Tor’s t-shirt, and climb into the bed I’ve slept in many times before. The purple comforter with a big gothic sugar skull on it that Tor bought for me a few years ago is still on the bed and it’s softness and familiarity calms me. He said he wanted me to have something girly, but cool, here. His house has always been like a second home for me and I stayed here a lot when my parents were on tour. Since Tor lives closer to my Dad than my grandparents do, it wasn’t unusual for me to stay with him so he could bring me to school every day. For the past two years, I’ve come here twice a week to clean and do his laundry because he usually doesn’t have time to do it himself and he pays me fifty dollars a week that I stash away for when I can have my own car. Tonight, though, I don’t really feel like I’m staying over at my father’s best friend’s house. Something feels different.

How can one little moment, one tiny touch, one quickening breath change so much?

It didn’t.

I’m being ridiculous and hyper-sensitive because Jason was nasty to me. I wanted to feel pretty – maybe even wanted and cared about – tonight and when that didn’t happen I must have just projected that onto poor Toren. No wonder he couldn’t wait to make me go to bed.

And telling him I want to put him in a box! Gawd. So awkward and borderline psychotic.

Cringing at myself, I grab my phone from the nightstand to see ten text messages. Eight are from Chloe and two are from Jason. All ten asking if I’m okay and where the hell am I? I’m surprised Jason even bothered after the way he treated me.

I text them both that I’m home and put the phone back so I can bury myself under the comforter, where I toss and turn. It’s four a.m. and I should be exhausted, but I can’t get my mind to turn off and let me sleep. It keeps shifting back to Tor and how his hand felt on my cheek, and how warm his chest felt against my hands through his thin shirt. When our bodies leaned against each other for those few moments, it was like a silent click into place. It’s exactly the type of feeling I read about in all my romance novels. This proves that crazy butterfly moment really does exist after all, and it’s not a myth.

The only problem is, it’s all wrong. Very wrong.

Toren can’t make me feel that way. He’s old. Okay, not old, but way older than me. He’s practically family. He freakin’ babysat me. He’s been to all my birthday parties and all my school events. He’s taken care of me when I was sick. He taught me how to ride a bicycle. He held me when I cried for my mom. He knows all my secrets and dreams. He’s…

… everything.

I have no idea when I finally fell asleep but I’m woken up by the scent of coffee. The clock on the wall reads seven a.m. Great. Not getting enough sleep is going to make me cranky all day.

After using the restroom and making sure I look somewhat presentable, I follow the aroma to the kitchen to replace Tor standing at the kitchen window, wearing old faded jeans and no shirt. I’m surprised to see his entire back covered in tattoos now because he didn’t have all those last summer when he was in our pool. That funny feeling returns to my chest and stomach as my eyes rake over not just the new artwork, but the muscles and definition beneath the ink. When did Tor get so hot? Have I been living under a rock?

‘Hi…’ I finally say, stepping further into the kitchen.

He turns with a look of surprise, and I notice how his eyes quickly take in that I’m still wearing his shirt, which comes down to my thighs. I’ve dressed like this a hundred times in front of him and never felt self-conscious, but today I do. My legs feel incredibly naked and I’m so glad I shaved them yesterday before the prom.

‘Hey, I didn’t think you’d be up this early.’

‘The smell of the coffee woke me up.’ If coffee was a person, it would be my best friend. I’m definitely addicted in a bad way.

‘You want some? You look pretty tired.’ He steps over to the counter and grabs the coffee pot, pouring some into a mug before I have a chance to answer. ‘I don’t have any of that caramel milk stuff you like, though.’

‘That’s okay; I’ll drink it with regular milk.’

‘And about twenty sugars?’ He flashes me a teasing grin as he adds milk and sugar just the way I like it and then hands it to me.

‘Thanks. Are you working today?’

He steps closer to me and grabs my hand, his eyes twinkling with that sparkling diamond glint he sometimes gets, and pulls his hair tie off my wrist.

My heart does an odd clench. ‘You’re taking it back?’ I ask.

‘I’m borrowing it.’

‘Oh. Okay…’ He’s never taken back anything I’ve lifted off him before. Maybe he’s finally fed up with my silly little game. I remind myself that I’m not five anymore, and collecting items from him is probably immensely annoying and possibly perceived as stealing and not cute.

‘Hey don’t look all wounded, Kenz. It’s the last one I have. I’ll pick some up today and you can have this one back. I promise.’

I sip my coffee, feeling idiotic for letting myself get upset over something so ridiculous as a rubber band. But it’s his. It’s special.

Shaking my head, I pretend to be nonchalant. ‘You don’t have to do that. It’s just a stupid little game.’

‘I know I don’t have to. I want to. And it’s not stupid, it’s our game, and I’d miss it if you stopped,’ he leans back against the kitchen counter, crosses his arms, and studies my face for a moment with a faint smirk. ‘I was thinking, though, maybe I should take something of yours for once. Kind of like a trade.’

Warmth floods through my body in a swift wave. It starts in my chest and scatters down between my thighs, intensifying with every passing second. I grip my coffee cup and hope I don’t fall over into the wall.

‘Oh,’ I reply, surprised. ‘I guess that’s fair, huh?’

He nods slowly, his eyes dark and intent. Mesmerizing. ‘I want that black beanie you wear all the time,’ he says without any hesitation, and I wonder when he decided that’s the thing he wants.

‘It has a little purple heart on it,’ I protest. And it’s my favorite, but I don’t care anymore. I’ll love it even more once it’s on his head.

‘So? I can rock a purple heart, Angel.’

No doubt he can rock anything. But him rocking my favorite beanie is something I can’t wait to see.

I smile at him. ‘Consider it yours then. Next time you see me, you can have it.’

‘Don’t forget or next time you try to take something of mine, I’m not gonna let ya.’

He wants something of mine. I’m pretty sure I’ve got a fever. Maybe even the flu. My body is on fire, and my insides are shaking again. My head feels buzzy and floaty. My lips feel stuck in a demented smile. I wish I had pants on.

‘Deal.’ I manage to say.

He pushes himself off the counter. ‘I gotta get going. I have to go to work and pick up Tanner then we’re busting some douchebags with fighting dogs.’

The excited nervousness I felt a second ago quickly turns into worry. The whole dog fighting thing scares the hell out of me. Usually, the guys that run them are drug dealers or worse, and most of the dogs are dangerous. I’ve seen the dogs they rescue and bring to Tor’s mother’s shelter to evaluate for training and veterinary care. They’re either all torn up and bloody or totally aggressive from fear and starvation. Or both.

‘Be careful, Tor. Those guys are crazy.’ It’s hard to believe that people who run dog fighting rings exist right here in our cozy little New England towns, but they do.

‘I’m always careful.’ He goes to the laundry room down the hall and comes back pulling a heather gray t-shirt on. ‘Do you need a ride home? Or you can stay here for the day, do the stuff you do, and I’ll take you home later?’

‘Can I stay here? I’ll clean up for you. I could make dinner if you have food.’

‘Yeah, I got some stuff in the ‘fridge. I’ll be home around five. Make anything you replace, I’m easy,’ he grabs his keys off the table. ‘Get in touch with your dad and let him know you’re okay. I’m sure he’s wondering how your night went.’

‘I will. I’m not going to tell him what happened with Jason. If he knows I had a sucky time he’ll get upset and he doesn’t need that now.’

‘Your call. I’m not going to tell him anything, but if he asks we’ll just tell him you were here cleaning like you always do, and you came here from Chloe’s after the prom.’

I nod gratefully. ‘Thanks, Tor.’

‘Don’t thank me. I don’t like lying to Asher, though, so I don’t want any more shit like this going on. I’ll always help you if you need it but I don’t like keeping things about you from him.’

I nod again, knowing if I apologize it will just make him angry. I feel terrible that I put him in a bad position of having to lie to my father because that’s something he would normally never do. Tor is a good guy with strong values, especially when it comes to his family and friends, and I hate that my bad decision has now affected him.

He pauses at the door and turns to me before he leaves. ‘Go take a nap, Kenz. You know how you get when you’re over tired. You don’t even have to clean today if you don’t want to, and I’ll still pay you. I’ll be happy with a dinner that didn’t come out of the microwave and hasn’t been frozen for the past four years.’

I shake my head. ‘No. I’m not letting you pay me this week. You drove three hours for me in the middle of the night. So forget it.’

He waves his hand in my direction. ‘Fine. I’m going. Get some sleep.’