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176 Ava: Attending the Rites

Odd? How so?

Selene’s soft whine catches Kellan’s attention. “We’ll be there soon. Will she be okay?”

It doesn’t seem that he realizes the dog is not actually a dog. “She’s

fine.”

I thought I had all my memory, but when I try to think back, everything is fuzzy. Even my own name doesn’t come to mind.

My head aches at the thought of trying to unravel that. What kind of memories? From becoming a dog?

Not exactly. My past life. My identity. Many things… Things I thought I remembered. Vanessa’s words sound familiar, but I cannot access the memories. It feels important.

That just sounds… Yeah. She’s right. It’s odd.

How long have they been missing?

Silence.

Then, I don’t know. Forever.

Leaning down, I rub at Selene’s head. It’ll be okay. I’m sure we’ll figure it out. But we both know my promise is hollow. I have no way of keeping it.

Selene whines again, resting her head on her paws as she stays beneath my chair. Ava, am I a detriment to you?

Of course not. My denial is swift and from the heart. But… I think

176 Ava Altending the Rites

we might make bad decisions together.

Her mood plummets; I can feel it in the back of my head. Like Lucas and his wolf, as children.

Scratching behind her ears in gentle consolation, my heart is

buoyed when she leans against my touch. You have given me much strength by being here. We’ll figure it out together.

Together, she confirms, but that insecure edge to her words is still

there.

***

Nerves have my knees so weak, my walk resembles the wobbling of a cooked noodle.

But I make it to the pack lands as twilight hits. The entire place is like a ghost town.

No lights on.

No people.

No signs of life at all.

Not until we make it to a large field deep in the forest, filled with people. Some are in wolf form. A few are naked. Others are clothed.

We’re the only ones to drive; everyone else used four paws to get here.

My stomach clenches, twisting painfully in my gut as I see so many of them turn in our direction, surprised by our–arrival.

Selene presses against my leg; Kellan hadn’t wanted to bring her,

170 Ava Attending the Piton

but I’d insisted she come.

Grief makes this air thick, she whispers, slinking out of the car with her tail low.

I’ve never seen her with such insecure body language. She usually struts about with confidence, tail high and head erect… But I feel

the same way.

Like I don’t belong.

Filled with shame.

There are eighteen pyres, and my heart sinks. Lucas hadn’t mentioned that three more people had died in the hospital.

No sound breaks the silence, save for the occasional mourning keen. There are no words to be said. No platitudes.

Only a crowd of bodies surrounding the pyres, the entire clearing bathed in the darkening edge of twilight.

Kellan stays close to my side as we make our way to the back of the crowd. His hand rests on the small of my back, guiding me with gentle pressure as he points or tugs me in different directions as he leads me through the throng of mourners.

We finally settle on a place near Jericho, who stares grimly ahead, his jaw clenched. Even his weathered face, marked by countless scars, can’t hide the sorrow etched into his features.

The entire mood is somber, a heaviness pressing down on my

chest until it’s hard to breathe.

Standing here, surrounded by the weight of so much loss, I’m hit with the price of my willfulness, of my blind demand for

17

independence. How many of thresereaths are on my bands?

lost because of unselfish chances?

Every single one

Vin heart aches for Lisa capped in the churches of a madman bur it bleeds for she dead for the familles left behind. For the pack that will never be whole again

Tears Burn Behind my eyes but I blink them back. I have to right to cry, not when my actions have caused so much pain. Not when I’ve been so focused on my own desires that I didn’t stop to think about

the consequences.

Kellan’s hand tightens on my back, and I glance up at him. His face is a mask of stoucisa, but I can see the cracks in his armor. The warr his eyes shine with unsited tears. The tightness around his mouth.

Tim sorry I whisper, my voice barely audible over the soft keening

of the mourners

He looks down at me, his brow furrowed For what?”

For everything For being so selfish. For not thinking about how my choices would affect everyone else.”

Kellan stares at me, anguish clear in his eyes. His face. In how his lips curve down at my words.

Eventually, he turns away, staring ahead again. It’s not your fault. Ava. You didn’t cause this. We were too arrogant in the safety of

our land:

But in my heart. I recognize the le

If I hadn’t been at that party, those vampires wouldn’t have gone

We might not understand why they would risk outright war… But we know what their goal that night was.

Perhaps another attack, on another day, would have happened.

But it wouldn’t have been that day.

It wouldn’t have been that place.

Facing this crowd-

Those pyres-

These lives, forever changed-

The weight of my guilt is crushing.

Selene presses against my leg, her warmth a small comfort in the face of so much sorrow. You couldn’t have known, she says softly. her voice echoing in my mind. You were just trying to replace your place in the world.

But no longer is her voice confident.

No longer are her words a secure beacon, holding me above my fears.

One person’s place in the world should never be created at this

cost.

No. It’s time to stop this distance; time to give up the dreams of a quiet life in Cedarwood.

178 Ar Attendingt Rites

Reality isn’t beautiful. It isn’t pretty. It isn’t idyllic.

Reality doesn’t wait.

Life is unfair. Accepting that is my only way forward; my only way out of this quagmire of my own creation.

This is not Lucas‘ pack.

This is my pack.

And they’re hurting

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