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194

194 Ava: Garden Visit

“Are you okay?”

Vanessa pops into my field of view with a steaming cup of what smells like hot chocolate.

Much better than coffee.

“I’m okay.”

The steam from the mug assaults my face with humidity and heat, reminding me that summer is over.

The weather isn’t chilly enough for hot cocoa to be a regular occurrence, and the wind is a little too warm against my skin, but the rich chocolate flavor that coats my tongue brings comfort.

It’s a small thing, but it helps ground my racing thoughts as Vanessa settles beside me on the bench.

Out here, in the small garden behind the alpha lodge, there’s only peace under the vast expanse of darkness and stars. Selene

slumbers peacefully a few feet away, her silver fur almost glowing in the moonlight.

There are, of course, the ever–present guards stationed around us. Four of them, at least.

But at least they’re giving me this time out here, instead of leaving me to my misery indoors.

“How are you holding up this week Ava? Since we last talked… A lot seems to have changed. You look different. You sound different.” Vanessa’s gentle question pulls me from my thoughts.

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194 Ava: Garden Visit

Thinking about this past week is much better than thinking about Mom, and how quickly her life had slipped away in front of me.

I stare into the depths of my mug, as if the answers might be found swirling in the chocolate. “It’s been hard,” I admit, my voice barely above a whisper. “Mostly, it feels like I’m stumbling in the dark, unsure of which direction to take. And I don’t like the person I see in my memories. I’ve been cringing at a lot of things.”

Vanessa’s hand rests on my arm, a reassuring touch. “Don’t overthink it. Trust in those around you. We’re here to support you.”

Her words are meant to comfort, but they remind me of the tensions within the pack. Another distraction I grab onto gratefully. “What about Jericho? Lucas and Kellan don’t seem to listen to him much, even though they seem to respect him.”

She sighs, a sound laden with weariness. “One of the worst epidemics among wolf shifters is their narrow–mindedness. It’s a product of their wolf legacy, I’m afraid. It’s hard to get them to go back on their own conclusions.”

Tilting my head, I try to puzzle through her words.

It sounds a lot like they’re just being idiots, but pairing the word idiot with alpha isn’t something I’m comfortable with.

She catches my expression and laughs. “When a new alpha takes over, many of the previous alpha’s most trusted advisors end up retiring. New blood, loyal to the current alpha, is brought in.”

“Oh?” My mind reels. That explains a lot. I wondered why all my bodyguards were retired, despite being in great shape.“–

Not a single one of them twitch at the compliment, even though I

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194 Ava: Garden Visit

know they can hear every word we’re saying.

“Renard has been alpha for as long as I can remember, so I’ve never seen it happen in Blackwood.”

Vanessa shrugs, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees. “Yes, well–in Jericho’s case, he made some mistakes that led to the death of the previous alpha and his Luna. It’s a stigma he’s never been able to fully shake in Lucas‘ mind, even with all of his hard work raising Kellan to take over as beta, and training the new generations.”

“That seems…” I grope for a word to convey my thoughts properly.

“Short–sighted? Stupid? Absolutely asinine? I agree.”

An incredulous sound halfway between a laugh and a gasp comes out of me as I glance around in a panic.

Of course, there are only the guards nearby.

“Vanessa! You can’t talk about Lucas like that.” I pause. “Can you?”

Settling her chin in her hand, she watches Selene, who’s still sleeping. “They’re used to it. I’ve said far worse to his face. But it isn’t really as simple as I’ve made it out to be. You’ll hear about it soon enough, I’m sure.”

There isn’t really a great way to respond to that, so I just say, “Oh,” and stare at the sky again. “If that mistake changed how they think of Jericho, I’m never going to get the pack to see me as Luna material after the massacre.”

“You will. Wolves are used to pups making terrible mistakes. You aren’t the first youngling with blood on your hands. Even in

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194 Ava: Garden Visit

Jericho’s day, there were idiot scuffles where several lives were taken because of a single hotheaded idiot. He became the alpha when he was older, and now his son is alpha.”

Crossing my arms over my abdomen, I refrain from pointing out that I’m twenty years old, not fifteen. But it gives me a little comfort to know I’m not the only idiot out there.

Still a pup, Selene whispers. Clearly, she’s not really asleep.

“Been spending all your time feeling bad, wondering how to make things better?”

Vanessa’s still not looking at me. She’s just casually perched there, looking ahead of her, making conversation.

My shoulders ease a little. “Yes. Jericho keeps telling me to stop wallowing and feeling sorry for myself and start acting, but I don’t…” Flapping my hands helplessly, I can’t even finish the

sentence.

“Don’t know what to do to fix things.”

“Yeah.”

“There’s no easy fix, Ava. You just have to move forward trying to make better choices than the day before. Apologize to those you’ve wronged. Take responsibility for your actions. And do your best every day. There’s no magic answer.”

That seems a little too simplistic of a world view after everything I’ve put Lucas and the pack through.

“I’m trying.”

“I know.”

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194 Ava: Garden Visit

When I glance at her side profile again, I can see the faintest smile curving her lips.

“People are noticing, Ava. You don’t need to be so apologetic that you lose sight of who you are. Making mistake–even a terrible one–doesn’t mean that you lose the right to be yourself. Okay?”

On

Her words make sense, but it still seems wrong.

Thinking of myself too much is what got me into trouble in the first place, isn’t it?

But I tuck Vanessa’s words into the back of my mind, ready to think

over them later.

For now, I’m trying to enjoy the peace. Trying not to think about things I should probably think about.

Then again, maybe I don’t need to.

She hasn’t mentioned Mom, or how I’m dealing with her death. Maybe it’s okay to just… ignore it for another day.

Deal with it tomorrow.

Picking up my cup from beside me on the bench, I take another sip of the now lukewarm hot chocolate.

Vanessa glances over. “Want me to heat that back up for you?”

Shaking my head, I offer a small smile. “No, it’s fine. I’ll be done with it soon.”

“Mm. It tastes best when it’s too hot to drink, but it’s impossible to enjoy it when it burns your tongue.

“Exactly.”

194 Ava: Garden Visit

Just as I’m about to take another drink, a commotion erupts from the side of the garden. Three guards rush over, their postures tense and alert as they demand identification from someone.

My heart nearly stops when I hear the familiar voice respond, “Oh, dear. Am I in the wrong place?”

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