Unsteady
: Chapter 42

I’m careful in every movement, stepping slowly towards her despite the clog of fear in my chest. I can’t swallow around the rock lodged in my throat at the sight of her like this.

Hours ago, I had her in my arms. Why does it feel like she is suddenly completely out of reach?

Staying calm, I reach my hand out to her, because I just want to hold her.

Her father scared her, almost hurt her brothers, and I can feel her racing thoughts from across the space—if I can just talk to her, just calm her and reassure her that I’m here, then she won’t leave, she won’t panic and pack up her smile and her snark and her brothers and everything that I love, to take it away from me.

God, even in my head, I’m a fucking control freak.

She doesn’t move towards me, but she doesn’t move away either.

My mom took Liam and Oliver, along with Freddy, to get some food from whatever might be open at this hour in the cafeteria. Both, to distract the boys who looked a little worse for wear this time, and to give Sadie and me some time.

“Rhys,” she starts, her eyes empty in a way I haven’t seen since summer, really. Since “Fast Car” skates in the early morning, where I could feel her hopelessness through her movements.

I wish I’d known then what I know now.

“Sadie,” I say back, but cross my arms to prepare myself. Push me out again, love. Go ahead, try and make me think that you would be better off without me.

It doesn’t matter what she says right now, I’m not letting go.

“We need to stop this. I need to leave you alone and you need to—”

“No.” I stop her. “I’ll let you say whatever it is that you need to right now, to get it all out. But, I will tell you right now what it is I need, so there’s no confusion. I need you. Now, you can decide what you need.”

I can see the anger blanket her, as she dons her trusty shield. I prepare myself for the hit of her best weapon.

“You’re a fucking hockey player who has enough bullshit in his life to deal with without adding a fucked up family of three into the mix. That is the stupidest shit I can think of. God, Rhys, barely a few months ago you were too panicked to fucking skate—what makes you think you could help any of us when you can barely help yourself?”

It stings, but I can take it. Because I know she doesn’t mean it. I can see it in the sobs wracking her body, the tears running down her cheeks, the way her hand moves to almost cup her mouth.

As if she’s in shock of what she just said.

“Finished?” I ask, breathing slow, staying calm in spite of my own want to panic.

“I-I—”

“I know. You shouldn’t have said it. But it’s okay, Sadie. I know you’re scared and angry and hurt. But I told you, I’m not leaving—”

“I know,” she cuts me off, and a niggle of fear roots itself in my chest. Her anger, I can take. I’m ready for it. This… whatever this is, it scares me. “But I think… I think we need to slow down.”

“Gray—”

“Hear me out, please.” I nod and bite down hard enough on my tongue to taste blood. “You and your parents are incredible. But I need to make sure Liam and Oliver are safe. And you, you’re supposed to be my college boyfriend; the hockey hotshot of Waterfell University, currently being scouted by at least three NHL teams.”

I smile despite her words, because the girl can grumble about hockey players and ruined ice all she wants, but I know my girl keeps tabs on me.

I bet she could name the teams.

“And that’s who you should be right now. Not taking care of me, or my brothers or worrying about me. You should be thriving and showing those scouts why they should pick you. Right?”

I don’t want to agree, but I’ll listen. So I shrug.

Her eyes roll, but I can tell this is getting harder for her. “Rhys, please.”

“What do you want me to say? I’m not going to agree with you. I can do both.”

“You shouldn’t have to.”

“Neither should you!” I finally break. “You should be enjoying your life—not worrying over if you can feed two growing boys or how you’re going to pay bills on a house you don’t even live in all the time. You shouldn’t have to do it at all—but you definitely shouldn’t have to do it alone.”

She sighs, but I can see her soaking in my words, working them through that big brain in her beautiful head.

Please. I want to beg, but I don’t want to be a manipulator. If she wants me, she has to want me.

“I don’t know what to do, Rhys. I just… I need us to slow down okay?”

“We’re not breaking up.”

I don’t even attempt to make it sound like a question. But she shakes her head.

“No. I don’t want to break up. I just… I don’t know. I can’t love you how you want me to right now. There’s nothing left in me.”

“Alright,” I agree, because what else can I do? I step to her, hold her face in my hands and let her nuzzle into my palms, eyes closed. “But here’s the deal, Gray. You’re going to let my parents help, okay? My dad will help with the custody and lawyer stuff, my parents and Bennett and Freddy and Rora—and me. We are all helping you, okay? If you need some space and some time, to move a little slower, fine. I’ll give you that. But you will not be alone. Okay?”

“Okay,” she agrees, tears finally falling from her beautiful eyes.

I trace my thumb along the clutter of freckles beneath the corner of her cat-eyes, before kissing her forehead solidly.

“I’ll be here, for whatever you need.” Even if it’s not me.