Waindale
twenty-seven. the rogue under my bed

I wake suddenly with a dry throat. My blankets lay heavily on me, suffocating me, so I shove them off, feeling the air cool down my hot limbs. The clock reads 12:04 p.m.; how did I sleep for so long?

The smell from my nightmare lingers in my bedroom, making me sick. I can still feel its teeth grazing against my shoulder before chomping down and startling me awake. I knew I wouldn’t be able to let go of the rogue. No matter what Adam tells me, nothing will calm my nerves. It’s in my dreams now. It won’t leave me alone.

My stomach aches and I know it’s because I miss him. It took me hours just to fall asleep last night, having to ignore the longing that’s like a stone in my chest. How long has it been since I stayed the night at his house? Almost two days. I used to last longer than this, but things are different now. I feel different—more attached yet more distant at the same time. Whenever I close my eyes I see him knelt before me, regretting having kissed my lips and my neck. God, I still feel that too. All the warm kisses splayed across my skin as if the had left burn marks. When I got home that morning, I swear my mother looked at me and saw a change as well. She looked at me as if I had lost my virginity. I’m sure she didn’t buy my bit about being at Vivianne’s for the night, but she didn’t question me. I wandered to my bedroom and stayed there.

Finding my phone in the blankets, I see text messages from Vivianne about meeting at the diner. I told her that I would explain everything since I dodged her all yesterday. As my best friend, I’m supposed to want to spill all my drama to her, but this feels different. It isn’t like all the other times we’ve talked about Adam.

I left his house yesterday morning and haven’t heard from him since then, and even though I’m aching, a part of me is addicted to the silence. It was all so loud Friday night.

Getting up, I wander to the bathroom. Grandma can be heard in the kitchen. She talked yesterday about baking some Christmas-themed goods for the neighbors. She told me she would bake some for my friends.

While showering, my legs grow tired so I sit down for a moment. A moment lingers on until Grandma is knocking on the door to make sure I didn’t slip and fall and knock myself out. “You’ve been in there for thirty minutes, dear,” she calls through the door.

It felt like a few minutes at most. It’s the ghost sensations—the biting and kissing and dying—that’s making me lose focus. I finish my shower and dress myself to go out and meet Vivianne at the diner. When I walk into the kitchen, Grandma stops me.

“Here, Wrenley. Bring this with you.” She hands me a large tupperware container of Christmas cookies. “I made too many again.”

The stovetop is covered in small cookies in a plethora of holiday shapes. Green icing, red icing, white sprinkles, red sprinkles, the list goes on and on. “Okay,” I tell her, “I’ll give them to Vivianne. I’ll be back later.”

Mom is at her new yoga class at the Waindale community center; it’s all she could talk about at dinner last night. Grandma is glad that she’s getting out of the house. Apparently, a woman she met at the grocery store told her about it, and now she has a new friend. I wonder if her friend is one of them or one of us.

My walk to the diner is fast-paced and anxious. The cookies shuffle around in their container as I hurry down the street. I won’t even glance at the trees. If I see something, I won’t know what to do, but if I don’t look, I won’t see something. It’s been almost two days since Adam scared the rogue north—what if it’s made its way back to town by now?

I slide along the iced sidewalk countless times but manage not to fall. Eventually I’m sliding through the diner door and replaceing peace in the warm, french-fry smelling place. I hear my name immediately. My eyes turn to the back corner. Vivianne is sat in a booth with Imogen beside her, and when I walk over, I make out Eli and Elara as well.

Scooting in, I set the cookies in the center of the table. “I haven’t seen you guys in forever,” I say to the couple.

“Been busy at Waindale high,” Eli says. “Thanks for that.”

“Of course. It was no problem.”

“How do you like the Academy?” Elara asks, cozy beside her boyfriend.

“Who cares,” Vivianne interrupts. “We can talk about all that later. Speak about Friday night. Speak now.”

I shrug off my coat and sigh. “It was fine. Not much happened, okay?”

Imogen grabs the container of Christmas cookies and starts munching away. “No details?” She says before popping a snowflake in her mouth.

“We got pizza, watched a movie, I slept over, I left.”

“So you did sleepover?” Vivianne questions. “In the same bed? Did you just sleep or?”

“Do we really have to know?” Eli asks her. “Sounds too private. You don’t have to say, Wrenley.”

“We just slept. That’s all.”

Vivianne’s shoulder drop. “Okay, okay. A kiss?”

I take a candy-cane shaped cookie and fiddle with it. “Yes, we kissed.”

“Like a lot? Or a little?” Imogen asks, still eating. “Oh, we ordered food. Vivianne said you’d want a burger and fries so we ordered you that.”

“That’s fine,” I say. “And it was, I don’t know, a little bit a lot. It’s hard to explain. Whatever it was—it changed things. Everything is all messed up now. We haven’t talked since yesterday morning when he brought me home.”

“Huh?” Vivianne leans forward. “What? Why? What went wrong?”

“I just... I don’t know.”

"What do you mean you don’t know?"

"Vivianne,” Eli scolds her.

She sits back. “Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just really invested.”

“I don’t mean to disappoint. We just haven’t spoken. It might be because he’s busier now that he’s Alpha. He told me that we’d have less time together unless I stayed with him.”

“Stayed with him?”

“He wants me to live there.”

Imogen pauses mid-chew. “Woah.”

“What did you say?” Elara asks.

I look to Vivianne. She seems to know the answer.

“I said it’s too complicated with my family. I couldn’t explain it to my mom let alone my grandma. And plus, it’s way too soon to even think about living together, even if it is very tempting.”

“Do you think you’ll see him today?” Vivianne asks.

I shrug.

Our food is brought to the table, but I have a difficult time eating my burger. Biting and chewing and tasting—all of it makes my stomach rise in protest. I don’t mention the rogue to them. I’m not sure if Adam wants such information spread around the town. It’s better if I just keep my mouth shut and face my fears alone.

After lunch, Vivianne and everyone urge me to go to the beach with them despite my wanting to go home. I lie that I have things to do even though I’d be lying in bed. They convince me to come along, and we pile into Elara’s car. I stare out the window at the trees and think about the rogue and Adam; I think about them hurting me. What if the rogue comes and kills me? What if I never hear from Adam again? I feel a tap on my shoulder. Vivianne is squished beside me and Imogen is squished bedside her. She asks quietly, “Everything okay?”

I nod a little, “Mmhm. Yeah.”

“I didn’t mean to pry at the diner. I just—you went all quiet yesterday. I was worried.”

“I know. I didn’t feel like talking. Maybe you can stay the night tonight? We can talk.”

Vivianne nods. “For sure. Definitely.”

I watch Eli play with Elara as he threatens to toss her into the freezing water. My fingers run over the many little pebbles as I sit close to the waterline, and I pick one up and stare at it just to think about other things.

“Stop! No, please!” She cries as he picks her up.

“You’re going in! Hold your breath!”

“I’m coming!” Imogen yells and charges at Eli. She jumps on his back and shakes him. Elara slips out of his grasp and helps shove Eli toward the water with Imogen. Vivianne stands back with her arms crossed, watching.

Stop! No, please!

Adam. Wait.

Adam stop.

I throw the pebble and it plunges into the water. Did I want him to stop? It was sudden, not the idea, but the reality of it. I didn’t expect him to do what he did even though I asked for it.

“Wrenley! Wrenley help us!”

I get up and walk over to the girls. Vivianne is cheering them on now. “Oh, come on guys,” I call.

“Wrenley,” Eli shouts, playing along, “help me!”

I shake my head and jog over. I stand in the way of the water and push him the other way.

“How can you be on his side?”

“Two against one? That’s not fair,” I laugh.

“I’m going to fall!” He cries. “Woah, woah!”

I hear Vivianne yell something our way before everything blurs as I’m stumbling backward. I feel the icy water caress my ankles and seep into my shoes. Suddenly I’m falling. My hands claw at the air but fail to grab on. My body jolts as the cold slices my skin and drenches my clothes. Sitting in the water, I look up, shocked.

“Wrenley!”

My lips part, my eyes spring open. “Shit!”

Eli grabs my hand and helps me up. “Are you okay? Wrenley?”

“C-Cold. It’s really cold.”

“We have to get her out of the wet clothes. Hurry. She’s going to freeze,” Vivianne says, by my side.

The four of them get me in the car and blast the heat. Vivianne pulls off my jacket as I try to think about anything but the cold. “My feet. I can’t feel my toes.” I bend over and pull off my dripping shoes.

“I’m so sorry, Wrenley,” Elara says while driving.

“It’s fine. I-It was an accident.”

“Let’s just get her home. She has to change and warm-up.”

The drive feels as if it takes hours. I sit back with my legs to my chest and focus on my breathing. Imogen says my lips look blue and when I look to my fingernails, they have a blue tinge as well. The water was so unbelievably cold. Its unforgivingness mixed with the winter climate has the sensation of heat feeling like a distant memory.

“Is the heat even on?”

“It’s on,” Eli assures us.

“My car is really old. It just—it takes a minute.”

“Turn left here. It’s the house with the flowerbed.”

Vivianne brings me out of the car when we arrive. The outside air makes me cringe. My wet clothes cling to my body and feel as if they are about to freeze that way. Imogen runs ahead and rings the doorbell. My mom answers in her workout clothes, catches sight of me, and promptly panics.

“Wrenley? What happened? Vivianne?”

“She fell in the water at the beach,” Vivianne explains.

They run me a bath. When I try to dip my toe in, it hurts. I call that it’s too hot, but they tell me it’s fine. “It’s too hot,” I yell. “It burns!”

I wrap a robe around my body and come out of the bathroom. My mom is standing in the hall with Vivianne. The others are waiting with grandma in the living room.

“It’s not really that hot, Wren,” my mom explains. “It’s just because you’re so cold.”

“I’ll lay in bed then. I’ll layer up and get under the blankets.”

I pull on two pairs of pants, three shirts, two pairs of socks, and mittens. Vivianne lays in bed with me, her arms wrapped around me as she acts like a heater. “It is helping?”

I nod and curl up even more. “You guys are always warm. Adam is like that. He’s never cold.”

“Do you want Adam?”

I shake my head. “But I can feel him. It feels like he’s coming.”

“Maybe he feels how cold you are. He knows when you’re in pain.”

“If he comes, tell him I’m fine. Grandma doesn’t know. She won’t understand.”

“Just tell her that he’s your boyfriend.”

I shake my head. “Things didn’t end okay. Just tell him I’m fine.” A few minutes pass and the feeling in my gut grows stronger. I groan. “He’s coming. I know he’s coming.”

Vivianne leaves. I ask her to meet him when he comes. I lay in bed alone and feel the warmth fade. His scent arrives; I hear voices. When I swear that he must be right in the hall, Adam appears in the doorway. I look at him from my bundle of clothes and blankets and I promise, “I’m fine.”