Warriors of Blue moon
Chapter 14 - Part 3, Return to Blue moon.

Layton's POV:

Thank fuck the day is finally over and what a fucking shocking day it’s been and that’s an understatement!

I shut and locked the main doors that led to my rooms on the top floor and got straight to pouring myself a whiskey... usually I drank it to help me sleep but tonight I’m drinking it for a whole different reason… I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that she’s here! that only a few hours ago she was right in front of me… alive… beautiful… strong! and fuck... fuck! I just wanted to hold her, tell her how I’ve spent the last three years hating myself and missing her, but I couldn’t. The whole time she was there she barely looked at me, I may as well have been a ghost, in fact, that’s exactly what I felt like, as if I was having another one of my fucked up dreams of her and it wasn’t real.

It’s bittersweet really, her survival, of course it’s all that I wanted, was for her to be ok, to have been alive all this time but, the thought of what she’s had to go through all that she’s seen and done makes the guilt rise in the pit of my stomach, sticking to my insides like a blood sucking leech!

When Heath first told me of this ‘May’ who was on our side that he knew and how she knew the forest well and how to deal with rogues better than any of us… at first I thought ′Great’ so we’re working with a rogue or spy that we somehow have to trust… But Heath was so certain she was trustworthy that I knew I had to trust his judgement… not a fucking chance on earth would I have ever expected Lelanna to walk through those doors but it all makes so much sense now, how reluctant he was to bring her here, for me to meet this mysterious person. She must have persuaded him to use the name May. He kept trying to change my mind on setting up a meeting with her. I guess it was all her… she must not have wanted to come back… or perhaps she just really didn’t want to see me.

I inhaled deeply and cursed myself at how much I have pushed her to hate me…. cause that’s what it is, she fucking hates me and will most likely never forgive me for my own brash fucking stupid decision… I could punch myself now for how weak and pathetic I was, letting people that were lower than me in status, people that were cold hearted and manipulative convince me to punish her. No wonder they were trying to rush me into making a decision, they knew I was confused and inexperienced, they wanted something done before my parents got back and handled things the way it should have been. But why?

Zara was such a fucking pest when Lelanna left. She was always at the pack house always turning up at my office or at pack mealtimes “I just want to support you”

“I just want to shoulder this burden”

“I’m sorry Lelanna wasn’t who you thought she was, I don’t think anyone expected her to be such a monster”

“You need to move on from her Layton, she doesn’t deserve you”

“You did the right thing, she’s with the monsters where she belongs” She’d infuriate me all the fucking time with the crap that would come out of her mouth, all attempts to completely turn me against Lelanna.

Of course, she made a few passes, desperate passes at me. Constantly rubbing my arm, trying to hold my hand, trying to sweet talk me or act like she had the right to just waltz into the Palace like she belonged here, and she was so fucking brazen when my parents returned, no matter how cold they were toward her she would still try her luck and charm them… but they couldn’t be fooled, they hated her with a vengeance just as I did, we just tried to buy us some time without her suspecting our investigation.

It became so obvious very quickly why she wanted Lelanna gone... Zara wanted to be a Luna and maybe she could see that my eye was always on Lelanna and not her… maybe apart from Florence, Zara could see that I was in love with Lelanna, but her mistake was, she didn’t realise just how deep my love ran for her, how absolutely, all consuming, gut wrenching it was. No one apart from Florence knew just how crazy I was for her and how I always had been. Sounds pathetic... I know, that an Alpha shouldn’t allow himself to be so besotted by a woman, but fuck me! I have tried over the years since we were kids to love someone else. I told myself over and over it was just a strong crush, but no matter how many women I kissed or tried to spend time with, there was always something big missing! They’d bore me to tears and their kisses would just piss me off even more because it was always Lelanna I’d think about. There were so many pretty girls and some of them were nice and quite sweet-natured, but none of them ever mattered, they weren’t her in any way whatsoever.

When Lelanna’s 18th birthday was approaching, I was so sure that’s when we’d replace out we were destined mates and that all my love for her would finally make sense and that I’d finally have her in my arms… I was fucking crushed when nothing happened, when it was clear we were not mates, I was so sure she was supposed to be, she was meant to be mine!

Soo I was at it again, back to trying to move past what I felt... I wanted so badly for her to feel the same, but whenever I touched on the subject of me dating or liking someone or whenever I kissed someone in front of her, she didn’t bat an eyelid, she never said or did anything.

I’m such a fucking fool! I let my feelings grow too strongly. When I was only 12 years old she was there for me like no one else was. That’s when I knew that one day I’d make her mine, that she must belong to me and as time went on, all of that only grew more and more real.

Since she’s been gone, so many women have tried to pursue me, tried to put across how available and suited to me they were, but I knew if I was to choose someone, I’d just be even more miserable, at least being on my own, I wasn’t tied to anyone that I didn’t want, or love and I wasn’t hurting anyone by never giving them a loving marriage.

I did my job, my duties by day, did what I had to do, but a day never passed without me thinking of her and missing her terribly… and at night… oh the fucking nights, even if I drank until I passed out, I still dreamt of her. Sometimes I’d open my eyes and she’d be led in my arms just looking at me smiling, her smile… brighter than the sunlit morning… her fingers stroking my cheek as she wakes me up sweetly and tells me she loves me and I hold her, promising to never let her go.

However, not all the dreams I had of her were sweet and peaceful. The nightmares came all too often. The moment I closed my eyes, there she was, lying on the mud, her eyes wide open just staring at me in fear, her blood spilling out onto the ground, like a stream rushing its way to my feet while dirty bloodthirsty rogues feasted on her whilst she was still alive. I’d try to run to her, try to save her, but no matter how hard I fought to move, how fast I tried to make my legs run, the scene in front of me never got closer, until finally with her last breath she’d whisper, “I’m dead because of you!”

I’d scream for her to not die. I’d try to fight against whatever was holding me back from her, until I’d wake up in a cold sweat, shaking all over. Those are the dreams… the ones that made me lose all hope, convincing me she was really dead, and the dreams were her way of haunting me, making me pay the price.

But even without those dreams I couldn’t express the guilt that followed me around every day like a heavy dark cloud! Only Florence knew of my daily despair, she was the only person I couldn’t ever hide it from.

I poured another whisky as I looked out the window. At this height I could just about see her house in the distance. Lit up by the lights across the village paths. It hurt knowing she was so close, yet so far from me. I couldn’t help but feel though… maybe… just maybe I was blessed with a second chance! well she’s here now and there’s no damn way I’m just going to let her slip through my fingers again… I have another chance at finally having the life I always dreamed of since I was a boy. A life with her. I’ll do what it takes, I’ll show her just how much I love her and always have and how incredibly sorry I am… She may never forgive me or want to be near me, but I can’t have her so close and not even try… but then maybe it’s just my doom to be alone forever without the one who has always been in my heart… Lelanna, my sweet strong Lelanna… welcome home, at least now I have more of a reason to wake up in the morning!