Werewolf Compilations
Chapter 77

November 20, 1991

James asked if I would like to go on a run today, but I had to refuse. I am pregnant. I had hoped for it and I was granted it. At first, I was scared, but James is warming up to me. He has been spending more time with me the last few weeks and it makes me even more sure in my hopes. He is beginning to accept me into his life. It was hard at first for him, but he is trying now, I can tell. Oh, he is going to be so happy when I tell him the news. I am waiting for the perfect moment. I am not sure when that is, but I trust that I will feel it.

Yesterday he took me around the pack. I met many new people and he says that he will announce my role as Luna soon. Everything is coming together. I knew it would.

I feel myself falling in love with him. He holds me at night. I no longer have to reach out to him when he is asleep. He holds me.

I lay on my bed after eating dinner with Gail and Theresa, lying amongst my books and my iPod, thinking. He gave me my things back, I know that. I know it wasn't Gail or Theresa. Did he feel bad for me? Is that why?

Unable to sleep, I head downstairs knowing that Gail and Theresa had gone home, and not knowing where James is. He could be in his room, he could be at the borders, he could be with Theodore's sister, he could be dead.

I walk shamelessly to the odd cabinet and grab the bottle of vodka that I left on the porch that one night before heading to the kitchen to grab a glass. The moon shines into the empty kitchen, bleaching the white countertops and giving the space an unearthly glow. I reach into the cabinet, select a glass, then unscrew the bottle cap and pour. It hurts going down like it did before, an unpleasant taste left on my tongue, but I drink anyways. The taste of the liquor covers the taste of his kiss that still lingers on my lips.

I lean against the counter, facing the small table, thinking back to earlier when Gail was scrubbing my face and when James came in. I wonder what he thought when he first saw me covered in blood. It worried him, I know that. I like that. I can't help but like it.

I am split in two. Part of me wants to leave and never look back, running off into the woods just to breathe, but the other part yearns for something else. The other part yearns for him. I read Julianna's diary and dream of a world where James holds me at night, one where he kisses me goodnight and where he tells me how much he needs me. This part of me would kill for that world. This part of me lays awake at night and holds her pillow, pretending it is him sleeping against me. The mate bond is cruel to me. The Moon Goddess is cruel to me. He is cruel to me but I can't let go. Every time he shows me a smidge of care-o when he kissed me I can't help but let it blind me away from everything else has done.

I look behind me from the sudden feeling of a presence, and to my surprise it is him. He stands at the entrance to the kitchen, his eyes on me, and I swiftly grab the bottle of vodka and hide it behind my back. His scent toys with me as he draws close, but I cannot tell if he is upset or not.

Without saying a word he comes up to me and reaches behind me, and I let him take the bottle from me without putting up a fight. My cheeks heat up, embarrassing me even more. James places the bottle on the counter. "You're up late."

I can't help but blurt, "Why did you do it?" Maybe I'll blame it on the vodka later, or maybe my lack of sleep, but I need to know in this moment more than I have ever needed to know. "Why did you kiss me?" He stays silent and takes the glass out of my hand, setting it on the counter beside the bottle.

"Please," I mumble, desperate at this point, "will you just tell me something? Anything? You don't have to want me. I just need to know why I am here." He doesn't say anything. "Please, James-" "Where did you hear that?"

Grasping onto his words, hoping for a conversation, I quickly answer. "Theresa and Gail told me. I asked them. They told me you were named after your father." He looks down at me, still not biting. "Do you hate me? Do you hate me because I'm your mate and you wanted something else? Are you just taking your anger out on me because you're disappointed?"

James looks down at me again. "No."

I swallow, not expecting an answer at all let alone one so straightforward. "Oh," I breathe out, not knowing what to say. "Well, well why then? Why be so cruel?"

He sighs, sounding as if he doesn't want to answer this one, but as I said, I'm desperate for answers. On a limb, I place my hand on his arm and he eyes turn right to the connection before replaceing my own. He places his hand on top of mine and takes it off. "I don't want you to like me, Rae. It's better this way."

Hearing him say my name makes me shaky, but I can't control the outburst bubbling up inside of me. "Better?" I question, failing to hold back my anger. "Better! Better for you! It's only better for you!" "No," he says firmly. "You are not the only one having to deal with this bond."

I cross my arms to stop myself from hitting him. "I'm not the one who is sleeping with other people! If only you knew how that felt! It's hell. You know it hurts me and you still do it, so what? So I'll hate you? You accomplished that a while ago."

James' eyes intensify. "No. I do it to forget about you. I do it to get you off of my mind for an hour or two, but even then you replace your way in. I have no breaks from you. There is no moment that is mine anymore because you're always in my head."

His face is very close to mine, and the hated feelings between us swell. "That's not my fault," I say softly. "Why is it better this way? Why?"

He turns away from me, my head in an emotional uprise. "Even after all I've gone you still..." he looks back and I can't help myself.

"There will always be a part of me that will still want you, that's how Mates work if I like it or not. Things could be nice between us. They don't have to be this way," I reach out to him again. "Things could be nice. You don't have to push me away. I know you want it too, it's why you're always thinking of me, why I'm always on your mind. We're supposed to be together, it's how Mates are. All you have to do is open your mind and we can heal the mistakes made."

He peers off. "You'll never heal. I've gone too far for you to heal."

My grip on his arm tightens. "But you won't let me go. You won't let me go because everything inside of you is telling you not to! Either you let me go, or you let me in because I am not living like this."