Wolf Sprite
THIRTY-ONE. Goodbye

POV – Lillia

I’m trying. I’m trying so hard, but I feel like my head is mere millimetres from the water’s surface, and I’m drowning. I try to think of the date Elijah took me on last week when we shifted into our wolves. But when everything goes quiet, when I’m taking a step backwards and not working with Elijah and Grandad, everything comes pouring down on me. Nighttime is the worst.

Memories of my mother now accompany the nightmares of my childhood. I confess I haven’t done anything to help my feelings about my mum’s death. Elijah, grandad, Dad and Danni have all tried to keep me busy, to keep my mind off things. But I haven’t faced her death. I live day by day, pretending she’s not gone forever. I haven’t visited her grave. I haven’t mourned her death. Except at night. When I’m alone, lying on the bed. Left with my thoughts.

I go to sleep with tears in my eyes, making my eyes feel dry when I wake up in the morning. I walk around with a smile on my face. A fake smile. I’m pretending to be happy so that they think I’m coping. But my true feelings come out when I lie awake in bed, trying to sleep.

“How are you going?” Danni asks me. I smile at her. Yup, another fake one. I’m sitting opposite Danni in her office slash library, drinking tea and eating biscuits.

“Your dad will be back soon,” Danni says, trying to get me to talk. I nod. Dorian left a few days after I left the hospital. He had responsibilities with his own clan, and seeing the work Grandad and Elijah had to do every day, I understood.

My thoughts go towards Danni and her family. It’s been two weeks since I woke up, and Danni insisted we have afternoon tea together. It’s pleasant sitting with Danni and talking. I never got to do this with my mum, and I’m immensely enjoying myself. I smile for real as I think about Preston, Danni’s son, opening the door for me when I arrived today. Both he and his brother Callum hugged me and thanked me for coming. Callum slipped that Danni seemed happier knowing I was coming over, which made Preston elbow him.

Sitting across from Danni, I can see she seems happier.

“I’m alright,” I reply to her question. Danni frowns before opening her mouth to speak.

“Liar. Are you really alright?” she asks.

“It’s true; I’m alright,” I insist, making Danni shake her head.

“You look just like your mother when you lie. I’m sorry, darling, but I can tell. How are you going?”

I gulp. I know I have very similar mannerisms to my mother.

“I miss her,” I confess. Danni nods her head in understanding and takes a sip from her cup.

“So do I. Your mum was my best friend. When she left, I knew she did it to save herself. I always hoped that someday I would get to see her again, and I did. But now, I know she’s gone forever. I’ll never get to talk to her again, hug her, or smell her scent,” Danni says.

“I just can’t believe that she’s not here anymore. And I’m so angry. I am so angry that I couldn’t say goodbye to her. I hate that that was taken away from me!” I shout out, tears running down my face.

I hear Danni shift in her seat, and the next thing I know, Danni’s warm arms are wrapped around my chest, holding me. I feel stiff in her arms, but the more I cry, the more I relax and collapse in her embrace.

“I feel the same way,” Danni finally says as she pulls away.

“I bet not being able to go to your mum’s funeral wouldn’t have helped,” Danni says softly. I nod, letting my hair fall over my face.

We sit there quietly, not saying anything.

“Would you like to visit her grave?”

//\\///\\\//\\

Grandad wanted to come with Danni and me to Mum’s grave, but I wanted to go with just Danni and Elijah. I had to go shopping beforehand for black clothes because I didn’t have much, and Nubia, the omega I had first met when I came here, took me shopping during the week.

Now, a week later, I was standing between Elijah and Danni at the entrance of the graveyard. I’d never been to a cemetery before. Not even when my human friends from school wanted to go at night to take photographs for class. I thought that was just weird.

Elijah parked the car outside the graveyard, and we walked up the main road towards the funeral home on site. As we approached the building, I noticed a few people standing around and another couple leaving a flower shop.

“Can we get some flowers?” I ask Elijah and Danni, looking at both one at a time.

“Sure,” Elijah replies, holding my hand and leading us into the store. On every wall, table, and even the floors are flower bouquets, and I carefully scan each bunch. There was a range of colours, and their scents were strong.

“Mum liked tiger lilies,” I say softly, walking towards a bunch of bright orange flowers standing in a bucket on a table.

“She did,” Danni agrees, as she feels a petal of a white tiger lily with her thumb.

I carefully looked at each bunch and each flower, picking one with a few buds that had yet to blossom. When Danni picked a white bunch, Elijah took them from us and went to the counter to pay.

I had asked Elijah earlier if he had gone to Mum’s funeral, and he admitted that he had, so I let him and Danni walk me toward her grave.

There were so many different headstones, old ones made of concrete and new ones made from marble. We walked down twisty one-lane roads, having to stand on the grass once or twice as cars slowly drove past us.

“There’s no parking anywhere near your mum,” Elijah explains when he notices the expression on my face. If I wasn’t a werewolf, I’d be tired right now.

“Hmm,” Danni hums when we head into rows of headstones. Ahead is a man dressed in black baggy jeans and a black bomber jacket. He’d look all dark and mysterious if it wasn’t for his bright red hair that contrasted his clothing.

“Beta Danni, Alpha Elijah,” he bows when he sees us walking towards him. He’s broad and built, like most deltas in the pack, and he looks to be around Elijah’s age. I give him a quick once-over.

“Delta Ashley,” both Danni and Elijah greet.

“I’m sorry I’m here,” he apologises. I don’t know who this guy is or why he is here, but I’m curious.

“That’s okay, Ashley. She meant something to you, too,” Danni says, smiling softly. Ashley nods his hands deep within his pockets.

“Ashley, this is Aviary’s daughter, Lillia,” Danni introduces. Ashley looks at me, a little surprised, before he takes his right hand out of his pocket to shake mine.

“Hello. I’m Ashley Smith. I was your mum’s stepbrother,” Ashley greets.

“Oh!” I say, trying to recall if Mum ever talked about him.

“She never spoke about me, huh?” Ashley asks. I shrug my shoulders.

“I honestly can’t remember,” I admit, “Mum never really talked about her family,” I continue. And that’s the truth. I’d ask, but Mum would change the topic. I remember making up stories about my family, and after revealing them to Clark and my peers at the pack, I kept the stories to myself.

“My mum hurt yours. I remember waking up in the middle of the night crying, and she would always come to comfort me. I loved your mum. She was my favourite person in the whole world when I was a child,” he says, sounding sincere.

“I’m sorry for what my mum did to yours. I remember being really sad when she disappeared. I’m also really sorry for your loss,” Ashley says.

“Thank you,” I choke out. Ashley looks at me again before looking back at Elijah and Danni.

“Well, I’ll go,” he says, shrugging and walking around us to leave. We stand there, and I watch him as he leaves.

“When his mother was found guilty of hurting your mum, Alpha Brent continued to raise him. Ashley became a delta as soon as he could, moving into the barracks with them,” Danni says. I don’t reply, and neither does Elijah.

We begin to walk toward the headstone that Ashley had been standing at. It was a beautiful black marble with specks of blue through it. The writing engraved was in gold, and a photograph of Mum inlaid was on the marble. She was younger in this picture and looked happier and full of life. I don’t remember Mum being this way, but she looked pretty.

At the base of the photograph lay a bouquet of pink roses. They were fresh, and I assumed they were from Ashley. I laid my bouquet next to his, and Danni did the same with hers.

Taking a deep breath, I stood there and read the epitaph on the headstone. It was beautiful. It read Aviary Greystone, a light put out too soon. Daughter of Brent and Eveleigh Redclaw, Mother of Lillia and mate to Dorian. Blessed.

I kneeled before the headstone and traced my fingers over the letters.

Mum, if you can hear me, I miss you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you passed away. I’m sorry I couldn’t have one last hug with you or tell you that I loved you one more time. I do love you, Mum. Thank you for raising and putting up with me when I was a bratty twelve-year-old. Thank you for choosing the life you did to protect me. I love you, Mum, I think in my head. I believe that Mum is looking down at me and that she heard my thoughts to her. Even though she’s gone, I know she will live on in my memory.

I wipe the tears from my eyes with my sleeve and walk over to where Elijah and Danni are standing.

“You okay?” Elijah asks, nudging me.

“Yeah,” I nod. I scanned the headstones and noticed the one next to me was for Eveleigh Redwood, mum’s mum. I walked over to it and smiled at the monument. There was a picture of Eveleigh on the marble, and I could see that my mum looked a lot like her mother.

“Let’s go,” I sigh, taking Elijah’s hand.

“Are you sure?” Elijah asks, and I nod.

“Yeah.”

We didn’t say much as we drove back to the packhouse, which I was grateful for. I’m glad I got to visit my mother’s grave. It made things feel real, more in place. Before, I was told she had passed away, but seeing her headstone made knowing she was gone feel more solid.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Elijah asks while he drives.

“Yeah, I’m sure. Thank you, Elijah and Danni, for taking me.”

“You’re welcome,” they reply.

//\\///\\\//\\

I don’t know why, but I feel better after visiting Mum’s headstone and saying goodbye. I felt like something was missing before, and visiting Mum’s grave has allowed me to move past her death. Although her body has returned to the earth, she’s not really gone as long as I keep her in my memories.

I love you, Mum, so much, I think as I look at the ceiling. With that thought, I let my heavy eyelids close as I fell asleep.

~

Edited with Grammarly