Contract Marriage with My CEO Boss (Kylan and Katrina)
Chapter 65

Chapter 65 KYLAN'S POV

In.

Out

I didn't matter how many fucking times Kylan tried; he couldn't calm his breathing. He couldn't quiet his racing mind. His fingers were flexing into repeated fats at his sides, his nails pressing hard to his inner palms each time his fists closed Stupid. He was so f*cking stupid

This was far from the first instance that Kylan had reacted poncle

d

poorly to a situation, but it might take the place of number one

Perhaps the worst part of it all was that he felt wholly out of control like he couldn't speak. Like he couldn't fix it. Like he didn't know how, Or rather, he didn't deserve to try.

And Pck, if Katrina didn't deserve to be treated better. To be cherished. To be loved. To be worshipped like the damn goddess Kylan knew her to

be

De

There had always been something special about her. Some innate part of her character that didn't entirely put Kylan off from talking to her, from having her work for him over the years she had been with Ross Corp. Her patience, her poise, her work ethic, all of it made it easy for Kylan to keep her on as his personal assistant.

She was a breath of fresh air, even if he never said as much to her. Even if he hadn't realized just how important or vital she was to him until only recently.

didn't want to soak all in. If he didn't want to out how to talk to her. To be with woo her.

But there was a barrier. A nearly visible stone fortress around his mind, his heart, prevented him from opening up to her. From talking to her. Really talking to her. Each time Katrina chipped at that armor, the armor he had relied on nearly his entire life, it only gained in strength and Layers

The monsters atop the fortress would then lean over the walls and all but toss Katrina of them as she was climbing, clawing, and trying to reach the

Any time she got too close. Kylan grew more afraid.

Any time he indulged himself in her just a little bit, he became more frantie, the monsters loading their cannons and preparing for a damn siege. just to keep him trapped

In the grand scheme of things, he knew this wasn't healthy. He knew it wasn't right or fair, to either of them. But he also didn't think he was personally worth any better.

He was a broken, stained. fucked up piece of glass with a false exterior of a give a fuck attitude and fancy cars and suits. Underneath it all, he was drowning in grief, in pain, in self-loathing that no one was ever meant to bear witness to.

But Katrina had. She had beard his nightmares, had comforted his frantic body, had soothed his aching soul, and each time she did... Kylan hated himself more. He hated that he couldn't be the person she needed him to be. it was

He hated that she never gave up, even throughout the worst of his self-sabotaging behaviors. He hated it. But he was also grateful for it. He wished he could tell her as much, but it was too much. Too real to speak about

All of it was

All of it was too much.

And he didn't deserve anything Katrina offered lun.

But oh, was she special. And oh, did he loathe himself all the more for hurting her. For disappointing her

It was easier to run, Easter to hide. Easier to pretend. He had been doing it for so long after all.

Katrina wasn't ever meant to touch the fortress, to fire her own weapons against it, to ricochet her way through the outermost layers in the manner

she did. She was never meant to make him feel, to make him want

65

He swore to himself he would never go through that again. That he could never lose anyone again. That it was too much, that it wasn't worth it. That he didn't need to let anyone get too close and beyond the spikes, or the moat of angry alligators with their gnashing jaws Chapter The contract was meant to be so simple. So bulletproof. It was easy enough, writing the rules with every intention of following them. Why would he not! He always did. In every aspect of his life, Kylan carefully adhered to rules he fabricated for himself. Specific boundaries he enacted. Why would aully contract be any different!

He hadn't wanted to do any of it in the first place, but Ryan and Katrina had both urged him forward. Coasing him into doing what they thought was best for the company. Because hell, it was. With the rising stocks, and the actual positivity Kylan was being sent for the first time ever as CEO, it was easy to believe the contract was the right thing to do. To put in place. He only needed to take Katrina on dates, pose for a few pictures, hold her hand, appear on the day of their fake wedding, sign that damn fake mamage contract, and pay her for her forts. No big deal. Nothing that would cause Kylan to step too far out of his comfort zone. And yet, that's exactly what happened time and time again with Katrina. Somehow, she had made her way into his heart, into his mind. Somehow she kept seeing the parts of himself that were ugly. Damaged. The parts that he couldn't talk about. That he didn't know how to talk about. She knew nothing of the mistakes he had made in his life. The real mistakes. The kind of mistakes that haunted him, drowned him, choked him into nothing.

She didn't know that he was a monster. That he was the last person she should give her love, her grace, her forgiveness to

She was the opposite of every sludge filled, cracked, broken piece of himself. She was the light in the darkness, the breeze on a hot summer's day. the smell of rain in the desert.

She deserved everything he could never give her. That he didn't know how to give her.

The constant war within himself, the battle between heart, mind, and what little of Kylan's soul remained, was the very reason he had to distance

himself.

Sometimes, it happened in ways he didn't understand. He would react before he could blink. He would speak before he could think.

Sometimes, he was overwhelmed with memones, with the shadows and ghosts that haunted the halls of his mind, of his heart that loomed over him to beg him to throw her away. To set her free.

The ghosts and the demons all had the same three faces. The same three faces and the same three voices saying the same thing to him.

That Kylan wasn't worth it. That he never would be. That people would always leave him, in one way or another.

And why the f*ck would he ever think otherwiset

-0-0-0-

Kylan could talk to a room full of executives and billionaires like they were nothing. Like they meant nothing. Because they didn't, not to him. never felt as though he quite belonged among them.

пе

He

Over the years, with Ryan's guidance and counsel, he had learned how to hold his own with them. He had learned how to say the right things to do the right things, even if he never changed his voice or his personality to fit them. At the end of the day, he could make them a lot of money, and that's the only thing people like that cared about Kylan had never learned how to talk to people though. Regular people. Every day people.

He could somewhat talk to Ryan, though it was mostly because the older of the two was patient with Kylan. He never understood why, and he hated. to consider the disgusting notion that it was because Ryan felt pity for him.

Pity was never something Kylan wanted. It was never something he needed. He hated how people looked at him after his mother's death. He hated the questions, the passing glances, the feigned sad eyes. It was the main reason he moved in with Kenny in the first place so that he that he could I get t away from Rhode Island and one of his ghosts. Which was futile, of course. He could never really get away.

Katrina was an anomaly, she always had been. While he was never able to fully communicate with her, she seemed to know how to talk to him. How to calm him down, how to help him before he ever needed to guide her. She was patient with hins. She never talked back to him, even when he deserved it. She was professional to a fault. A fault that now made his heart ache when he thought about how awful he had been to her lately

encased It was the way she talked to him. The way she looked at him. The way she touched him. The way she melted parts of the ice has heart was in. All of it, all of her broke him over and over aga All of her caused him to talk about things, to reminisce about things he never talked about. Never thought about. Not since... Not since him. Not since... Not since

that day.

Kylan had no idea how long he had been pacing the halls of the hotel, his palms were raw and red from the assault of his fingernails. He wanted to take a shower, to clean himself the way he always did after sex, but he didn't want to go back to Katrina. Or rather, he didn't know how to face her

He knew it should have been a part of the contract, a marital duty. He knew it should happen at some point in their fake marriage. But at the same time, he knew her value. And he wanted to preserve il

He knew he f*cked up. He knew he hurt her. He knew she deserved better than him at that moment. In that intimate moment. That intimate

2.57 PM

2.ter 65

Chapter 65

the had no idea how the fuck to process.

moment How could he process the way it made him feel safe? Wanted! Desired in a way that no one else ever had! How How could he process it? H

The girls he typically slept with, only cared about his money or his status. They only cared that he was the CEO of a company like Ross Corporation. They didn't care about him. They didn't know him. They didn't know that he wanted to be a chef. They didn't know that chess relaxed him. They didn't know how to read the subtleties on his face, of in his eyes. They didn't care about him.

Not like Katrina did. Not like that beautiful woman did.

But

She had never been the best at concealing her emotions, or maybe it was just that Kylan was an expert at reading people, simply because he himself preferred to remain as anonymous as possible with his feelings. But he could see it on her face. He could see it in her eyes. He could feel how she felt in the was okay. way she touched him; in a careful way, she asked if he

The memory of how many times she asked if he was okay and if she could touch him and if it were too much... It broke him. It shattered him. It made him want to simultaneously run for the hills, and back to Katrina. He wanted to apologize to her. To hold her. To tell her how much he knew he himself cared. But he couldn't.

Like a mantra, he reminded himself that she deserved better, that she didn't deserve the shit that he came with, and that he didn't deserve her.

With a phone call and a few clicks of his fingers, he changed their flight back to New York. He couldn't spend another two days in Ireland, not with Katrina. Not with the way he knew she would look at him.

He could hardly look at himself, most days. He couldn't handle seeing that same disgust, that same disdain from her. Not again. Not when he already had more memories of it than he cared to admit from her. He f*cked up. He hurt her. And this time. This time he didn't know how to come back from it. He didn't know if they could.

But he didn't deserve to replace out.