Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 202

I woke up, and he was gone. I knew he would be, and I had cried for more than I thought possible. How much could you cry over the same guy even when he told you it wouldn't change? Us f*****g wasn't going to make him leave Shailene, and I knew that too. "Shit!" I made a curse burning the waffles I had in the toaster, sighing and tossing them before staring out the window, it was grey, and I was going back to bed. What the f**k else could I do alone in an empty apartment that needed deep cleaning more than anything? I just didn't want to do it, like I had lost my willpower since Buck and I divorced, draining the last part of my happiness from my body.

I was wearing Jonah's hoodie and didn't care how pathetic it was making me look and feel like walking around naked in the shirt going down to my thighs. I didn't care about anything when I could still smell him, taking another deep breath and feeling the soft scent of his cologne and everything else that made me attracted to him, f*****g love him no matter how dumb it was.

Why was I so f*****g stupid when he was around? He told me to my face that he wasn't sorry James was dead, that he wasn't leaving his wife and the worst part. He didn't kiss me.

I made another whine, still lost at the darkening sky that was promising rain and making me want to get back to bed more than ever. Not even hungry anymore when I dragged my a*s back to the bedroom, just about to get under the covers, wanting to snuggle my way into the side where Jonah had been sleeping, knowing that I was hurting myself and still I couldn't f*****g stop it.

The opening front door made me stop, and for a split second, I thought it was Jonah, no. I wanted it to be him so bad that my eyes were probably showing the obvious pain and disappointment seeing his replacement, having his keys in my hand like he lived here and wasn't here to make sure that I hadn't just thrown myself out the window, believe me, I still could.

"Hey.... Brought you coffee...." Tom was holding coffee and a bag that I guess was something to eat when I just stared at him, standing in my hallway looking like he wanted to say more, that he was mad at me for doing this. I was too, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

"Great." I didn't want it crossing my arms, still dressed in Jonah's hoodie that he already knew. I wanted nothing he could give me, he was my friend, but he was Jonah's brother. I was just the bitch that had magically worked my way into his life and was messing shit up for everyone, even his.

"Just leave... tell him that I'm still alive and I will call Buck soon...." Tom made frowned like he didn't believe that. I hated that he could keep tabs on me; at both ends, he was Sophia's stupid boyfriend. I bet she had told him that I hadn't even sent a message in a couple of hours; at least Buck was probably happy not being terrorized by my desperate ass.

"What? I can't come over just because I care??" He looked pissed from nowhere when I didn't know how to answer that. Did he care? I mean, really, did he fucking care about me and wasn't just feeling guilty like he always did when Jonah was gone, which was always. "Andrea, are you fucking kidding me over what!? I told you I loved you like a sister, even if you are fucking annoying as hell, and I'm not here because Jonah told me! He hasn't called me or shit. He just returned this morning, told me to leave, and that was it!" I took a deep breath hearing that, okay... okay... so Jonah wasn't kidding around about him just f*****g me and nothing more. F**k, that hurt.

"You think I like this?! I don't! I don't fucking like seeing you getting hurt all over again, and him too!" Tom's voice was angry. To my surprise, he really was pissed at me then, being a fucking whore to Jonah's marriage.

I hadn't answered back once, but I couldn't when my chest was heavy, my heart feeling like it was going slower, seeing that I was destroying everyone's lives around me, and I couldn't stop. I didn't want to either when Jonah was around, like a f*****g drug that was too good to stop using. "Andrea, I'm telling you right now, I fucking care, and stop acting like I'm just here because Jonah told me too. I have known you for how long? Why are you still acting like I'm the guy you saw at the apartment and just wanted to fuck you?" Tom sighed, saying the last part when I was blinking, feeling like I was the worst human being in the world. I saw him standing there and looking like he didn't know if he should give a shit anymore.

"I.... I don't know.... Okay? I don't know why I am like this.... I just want to...." My voice faded from the hurt in my chest spreading all over my body, making the tears fall over my face, not knowing how to stop it. I just wanted to be happy and not live this shitty life of being in love with someone that couldn't love me back, even if he did.

Tom sighed heavily, putting down the bag and cup on the dresser stuffed to the brink with shit that I needed to clean up and never did.

"You know what hurts me the most? I let you inside my life too, you stayed with my parents, and they miss you too, even made Phil go for you.... Ma misses you, and I told you that so many times, and still, you have been living here, not once coming to see her... that is just... fucked up...." He stopped when I was holding my arms around me tighter, feeling my nails digging inside my arms, wanting to pretend he wasn't so f*****g hurt because it made me feel worse knowing he was right.

I was staring at him, looking so sad and hurt when I was trying not to just fall on the floor and start bawling my eyes out, knowing that if my kids didn't exist, there was a big chance that I would just go inside my bathroom, fill up my tub and drown in my own blood after what had happened.

"Tom... I.... I'm sorry...." I hated that was all I could say to him, being so fucking loyal and still wanting to help me in any way he could, no matter how small or big it was. Here I was, just being ungrateful and dismissing him. I didn't blame him for looking like he would walk away. I didn't. Still, I couldn't let him, knowing if he did, I was going back to my bed and not coming out until the following weekend when Buck was coming back with the kids.

"I know you are, same as me...." He didn't move when I was shivering from the hard hurt in my chest that made my neck feel like it was snaring me, making the snare go tighter when he was thinking about leaving me. I had no idea how I would make it without him, and I had no safety net except for some guys almost half my age, which was pathetic.

I whined when he was putting my keys down like he had made a decision, and it was making the panic blow up inside me; this was it. This was the part when he told me that he couldn't do this anymore and leave me for being a f*****g burden, unlovable, same as everyone else that I had ever trusted.

"You want to so see Ma?" he made a slight grin making me release the breath I had been holding, seeing the subtle shift in his eyes, going from the angry hard ones to the warm brown I was used to when I made a silent nod still crying, wiping away my tears blinking the slightest, yes, I would like that.

"Yes, I would like to see your Ma...." I was whispering it when he made a nod as he heard me, no matter how small it was when I made one back, still feeling like I was just a waste of space and that he somehow could stand to be in the same room as. "Okay, good... I'm going to tell her that we are coming over and... you better get ready to get a scolding of a lifetime...." He made a smirk at the slight smile I did back, knowing he was right; I would get the scolding of a lifetime from his mother, and I would deserve it. I was sitting in Tom's car, having showered, hating that I was feeling even more lost not having Jonah's smell on me and Tom forcing me to put away the hoodie that made me look just as desperate as I was, having a top and jeans that was new, and to be honest the only things that we clean when I didn't do shit, I didn't, and it was fucking shameful. Still, I couldn't do it, not clean or anything. Just cry.

The backside of butchery was in business when I walked outside, the cold wanting me to hurry inside. Still, I was so afraid seeing the door that was leading to the upstairs that would have Mary and Patrick waiting on me when Tom looked happier, he did when he pulled my arm, making me realize that I hadn't moved no matter how cold it was outside, or maybe it was just me being frozen from the core and out, seeing that Tom didn't even wear a jacket, just some stupid t-shirt that made him look good, always did. "Ma! We're back!" I flinched hearing Tom's voice over the entire building, he wasn't this loud when he was with Jonah or me, but he was home and didn't care. He was safe when I stared at him, grinning, not knowing I had no idea what that felt like.

We walked up the stairs, me first when I had tried to avoid that and Tom just pushing me in front of him like he knew what I was trying to do and not even giving me a chance to try to hide from the small woman that was stubby, dressed in an oversized flowery shirt, her in a tight braid and staring at me like she didn't know if she was going to kill me or kiss me, both.

"Andrea, where have you been!? I have been worried sick over you, and here you are, in my home, and not even called me once, not once, isn't that right Pat!?" I shifted my eyes to the man in the recliner that made a smirk like he was enjoying the show and made a wink at me that I was too scared to smile back at, to be honest, seeing Mary looking like she was about to boil over seeing my face, shit.

"Not once!" Mary's face turned red when I was making a gulp, not even knowing why I was afraid of an older woman a head shorter than me, but she looked like she could still take me down. I had no doubt she could, still too afraid to say shit or even move a muscle with Tom chuckling behind me, also enjoying the show. A*****e.

"Look at you, all skinny and not even eating! Don't think for a second that I don't know I didn't even get invited to your wedding, was that so hard to ask us? I don't understand you sometimes, selfish girl!" she was sneering when I felt so bad. Mary looked hurt, she did, and I wasn't going to lie that I didn't want anything to do with this life I had left behind, not even realizing that I was hurting more people than me.

"I took you in like my daughter, and this is how you repay me!? Leaving and not even saying goodbye!? I am so disappointed in you!" I cringed when she said that, still having my head down the slightest, not really wanting to make her angrier when she saw it and made a sigh just like Tom did, so she knew everything then, probably knew that I f****d Jonah last night. She wasn't too happy about that either, you know... catholic and all that.... I flinched again, feeling Tom's heavy hand on my shoulder when Mary was making curses under her breath, still wanting to tan my hide for keeping away and not calling like the selfish bitch I was.

"Look at you, all bones! Looking like you're about to get a beating, and don't think you wouldn't deserve it! I still want to go get my good stick and beat that sorry behind of yours...." Mary's eyes connected with her son behind me when he did a reassuring squeeze on my shoulder like he was going to protect me, and I didn't believe him, against mob guys? Yes. Against his mother? F**k no.

"...but.... Since you are here, finally. Let's sit down, and you can show me those kids that I only saw once!" she made another snap in her voice, the lashing that made me know why Tom respected her. Shit, even I did, and she wasn't my mother.

"Sit down pretty.... I'm going to talk to Ma for a second...." I was guided to one of the big sofas when Tom just sat me down like I was a lost puppy that he had brought home, making Patrick smile at me more, seeing the small woman disappear with the big guy that was her son, same as her other ones.

"Welcome back, Andrea......." Patrick made a chuckle pulling up his phone when I did a smile back, even if it wasn't really all the way; he liked me, he did, and he was big like Tom, maybe even bigger, I bet he was hot when he was younger, being in his sixties and not caring that he was enjoying life when he wasn't working, I wished my father had been more like that, relaxed and not so fucking uptight about my mother.

"Thanks, Pat..." I said it, thankful and still a bit scared that Mary was coming to come out with a paddle or whatever she had been spitting about, wanting to make sure I knew just how bad she was at me.

I was looking around when Pat was playing on his phone, he was, having his glasses way down, making him look funny like he couldn't see what was going on, but he still tried. Yeah, I knew that feeling.

"Is that... is that my kids?" I stood up and saw the picture of Kira smiling outside the yard of my house back in Buck's hometown. It even had my boys in their cribs when they were newborns. What the fuck was going on here?!

"Oh...yes... nice of you to send them to us... Mary wanted to see them, and Tom brought them over..." Patrick looked up when I was still staring at the framed pictures. My children were on the wall of Tom's parent's living room, fucking mid-center like someone else had been moved over so everyone could see them.

I was still staring at them when I started to cry. I didn't care that Pat looked up at me from his phone like he didn't understand why I was so upset, handing over my mouth and trying to muffle the hard sobs that made me cry even more. It was fucking beautiful. "Andrea?" Tom was popping his head inside when I was still making small sounds of trying to control my breathing and seeing my babies' faces, which made me feel like I wanted to die. I missed them so much, and I was a f*****g selfish bitch. I didn't even deserve to be here in the Browns' home, caring more about the kids and me than my own family ever did.

"Yeah.... Yeah... now I'm fine... I'm just... I'm sorry...." I was trying to get a hold of myself, seeing Mary follow Tom, that was getting outside, grabbing a hold around my waist like he didn't want me to be sad anymore, and that made me smile when he stared at the frame to looking so damn smirky that it was making me want to laugh even I was crying.

"Andrea.... look at me, this is your home, same as my boys... what in the world were you thinking just taking off that night!? I don't even know why you were alone; we are not the Sullivans and... I'm not Fiona. You understand that don't you?" Mary was behind us when I took a deep breath; seeing her serious face like she just had been told everything that had happened, all details, made me so ashamed of everything.

"Yeah... yeah... I got that...." I was too embarrassed to look at her. She was hurt the same as Tom, and I hadn't even taken one second to see that I was leaving them behind too. No matter what, they cared about me in a way I hadn't felt before.

"I just wished you stayed... and.... Well, it can't be helped now, can't it? .... Just don't stay away anymore. We are not afraid of the Sullivans, aren't we, Pat?" she didn't even stop staring at me, hearing her husband do a huff like he really wasn't scared of Fiona Sullivan, not like me and definitely not like Jonah was, no matter if he wanted to admit or not.

"You're lucky that you sent the photos over...." She made another sigh like she knew it was all Tom. However, she didn't care when I nodded, still having his arm around me, and it felt nice; it really did, having people around you that had your back, even when you didn't deserve it.

"I'm sorry, Mary, I'm going to take the kids over as soon as Buck comes back...." I was still feeling like shit when she made a smile like she was counting on it, or I would know I was alive again.

"You better! I swear to God, Andrea, that if you don't, I'm coming over, and you can't stop me!" Mary made a chuckle like she meant when I nodded again. Yeah, I believed her. I did.

Mary made a smile that made me feel better when Tom followed, and I was feeling better, so much more than I ever thought possible after what had happened at the restaurant and Jonah leaving me... again.... They care, and I stopped acting like they didn't. They are so f*****g selfish.

"Alright, enough! I'm needed downstairs, and the next shift is yours, Tom; Pat, get off your arse and make Andrea something to eat before she starves to death!" I stared at Mary clapping her hands like she was commanding everyone. She did when Patrick made a curse, putting his phone and glasses down when I was shaking my head like they didn't need to; it was enough just being here. I didn't need to be cared for.

"Just let them do this pretty...." Tom made a snicker when he put me down on the sofa again, walking after his dad, who was still complaining over something that I had no idea what he was saying, leaning back, suddenly feeling different. Holy shit. I had a family.