I Am Jessamine
Chapter 9

Jessie’s sobs roused her and a hand pressed down on her shoulder and she opened her one good eye, as the other one was swollen completely shut. She was lying on her side beside the closed window, and for a moment she was confused as to where she was and then the memories came crashing in like a horrendous mudslide bringing with it the heavy rocks and trees, devastating emotions, and pain, and she let out an uncontrolled groan sob. The hand on her shoulder tightened just a little, “Miss Jessie, be ye in pain, girlie?” Mr. Tora asked kindly.

Rolling onto her back Jess nearly choked with the stiffness creeping into her muscles and she moved to push herself up. “Ye be needin’ rest.”

“No, Mr. Tora. I need to get up and move and keep busy or I will go mad having nothing to do but think.” She lisped through a swollen lip and loose tooth. Without argument, Mr. Tora assisted Jess off the bed and she stood for a few wobbly moments. Looking around Jess hunted for something to tie up her unruly curls as she pushed her hair out of her face and Mr. Tora seemed to guess as much and produced a thin strip of leather and he turned her around and carefully pulled her hair back and tied it at the nape of her neck. She sensed his brief hesitation, but then let it go as he continued tying her curls into submission, even if only temporarily.

“Ye be rested for only a short while, Missy. I knows ye won’ be listenin’ to me, but I want to ask dat ye please go slow, for me?” His accented voice was like a cup of warm hot chocolate and Jess not only heard but felt his sincerity. He turned her and looked in her eyes, “Oh, I knows de pain ye be holdin’ in yer ‘eart an’ it be ye choice to let it go or carry it wit’ ye. But knows if ye carry dat wit ye, ye will be a very sad and angry lady. Ye will walk in de darkness an’ it be bringin’ wit’ it old ghosts best left in de cold grave.” Moving away from her he started packing up his things and returning them to his little black bag and Jess stared at his bent back.

He could never possibly know what she and Willy knew. No one could ever know that the captain of the pirate ship was Nicholas. The hate and anger boiled up within her again and she knew that this feeling would spur her on for a while, but then it wouldn’t be enough. Never in her life had she ever thought she would want to kill her own brother, but she did. Nicholas was the reason Ben was dead and had his body tossed into the sea like an inconsequential piece of garbage. This thought brought pain to her chest and tears to her eyes. Wiping them away, sniffing loudly, and walking slowly towards the open door Jess remembered a quote, by a well-known boxer of the twenty-first century, she had read somewhere, ’Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.’ Well, Jess thought, I have been punched literally and figuratively in the face and I am as pissed as a hive of angry hornets.

Stepping onto the deck Jess noted that the sun was creeping slowly up over the horizon and she walked quickly to the railing and looked back to see if the pirate ship had discovered their escape and was on their tail, but there was nothing but ocean. Turning back towards the deck she was greeted by the crew who tipped their hats. She felt a little self-conscious and uncomfortable by their sudden kindness, but she let it go and simply gave a nod in return.

Walking forward Jess saw Willy helping to reattach the roughly mended bow sprit and pull it into place with ropes. She ran up behind him and grabbed the end of the rope and began to pull with him and he glanced over his shoulder and his eyes brightened and the grin on his battered face was huge, “Ah, there’s my lassie. One big tug Jess and we will have this whore in its place. The vile little bitch nearly took my ear off!” and he turned his head slightly and Jess saw that a piece of the top of his ear was missing and blood was flowing down his neck into his collar, which made it clear why he was swearing at an inanimate object. Without loosening her grip Jess pulled with all she had left in her stiff muscles and the bow sprit lifted and the other crew members started roping it into place and pulling on the ropes for the jibs and stay sail. Two men were up on the fore mast hauling on the ropes for the sails. With shaking muscles she heard a shout from above for them to relax the ropes and a chorus of cheers went up when the bow sprit stayed fast. Only then did she realize that one of the men that were sitting so high up the foremast was Gray. Her breath caught in her throat and she wanted to yell and tell him to get down, but she suddenly remembered that she had no right to do that.

Turning to face her Willy put his arm around her shoulders and looked at her. “You look like shit, Jess. Like you went a few rounds with a professional boxer.” He said with a straight face and a few of the crew who were within earshot grinned and looked away. Looking up at Willy she thought sullenly that he looked like he had fallen out of a tree and hit every branch on the way down. Rolling her eye she said huffily with a distinct lisp, “Well, thank you, Mr. MacLeod, thanks for stating the bloody obvious! Might I add that you look like the arse end of a donkey?” They looked at each other and then burst out laughing. Hard, muscle cramping, side aching laughter and they had to lean against each other so they didn’t keel over. Tears pouring down, hiccupping and groaning they released relief and heartache all in one.

The crew around them looked on stunned before grins spread across their faces and then finally they too were tearing up with uncontrolled, emotional laughter. Heading their separate ways to continue with the repairs to the little vessel laughter followed every one and it raised the morale a bit, which was sorely needed. They had lost seven of their crew of twenty-eight, which had included Ben and quite a few were limping, bandaged up in need of rest, but there was a lot of work for a diminished crew and Jess wanted to pull her weight and she knew Willy felt the same because it meant there would be no thinking of what had happened. No yet.

Jess began helping to roll empty barrels across the deck and stack them on the net beside the cargo hatch. A loud scraping noise made her look down and a familiar impish face looked up at her with a now familiar grin that lifted her heart. Young Tad gave a small wave and then disappeared into the shadows. Jess felt a huge amount of relief knowing the boy was alive and he appeared unscathed.

The repairing and cleaning up of the O’Murchadha had progressed efficiently and by the time the sun was directly above them, Captain Murphy let the crew know that they were now on course and they could return to their shifts and take rest and food. For those left on deck, the other crew members brought up their food and a barrel of fresh water. Jessie sat on a barrel up on the forecastle deck watching the sea and the horizon and Willy joined her and handed her a bowl of turtle soup that Mr. Tora had been in the galley preparing as the repairs had got underway. Moving mechanically Jess held the bowl and spooned food into her sensitive mouth and suddenly her taste buds popped. She closed her one good eye and relished the soup. “Oh my god, this is so good.” She mumbled while chewing carefully and Willy nodded in agreement. “Aye lass, it’s just what the doctor ordered, eh?”

In companionable silence, they savored every morsel of the fine soup and happily accepted the mugs of water young Tad brought them with that ever-familiar toothy grin. A barrel of ale had been opened and Gray had instructed that each crew member got a mugful of the brew. Jess had declined, but Willy made sure he got his portion. “It may be piss warm, but it still hits the spot.” He grinned and proceeded to gulp the brew down.

“We need to discuss the elephant in the room, Willy.” Said Jess sadly as she gazed out to sea. Willy looked around them and then moved so that he would be able to see if anyone came up to the forecastle and overhear their conversation. “I know what you’re thinking Jessie and I can’t say that I am not of a similar mind. That was most definitely Nicks’ voice we heard and that song can only be known from someone from our time.” He said softly leaning in closer to her. “What we need to replace out is where Captain Murphy plans to make berth. The best place would be Baile Atha Cliath. If I remember it was the biggest and busiest port for traders and travelers alike.” At her confused look at the use of his Irish Gaelic, he explained, “Dublin, lass.” That name she recognized and nodded her head and then looked at him with an astonished look on her face and said, “That’s completely opposite to where we want to be is it not? We want to be on the west side of Ireland and Dublin is on the east, yes?”

“I am only assuming, Jess. Captain Murphy was on his way to the Greater Antilles Islands to trade and we got pulled out of the water when he was a day or so out of Gaillimh, and before you ask that is Galway. But now with the attack and damage to his ship, we have to head back and I would think he’d go back to Dublin for repairs and then to report the attack by the pirates to the authorities.” Jess was looking at him and was about to continue with their conversation when Willy leaned on the railing with his elbows and cleared his throat, and for Jess that was a sure sign that someone was close by so, she closed her mouth and continued gazing at the sea.

“I beg pardon, sincerely hope I am not interrupting you,” Gray said politely and Jess could feel him looking at her and decided not to turn around, “but I thought I’d let you know that I am heading back to Baile Atha Cliath. It seems the obvious and sensible thing to do. The ship would never withstand even the slightest storm at sea even with the provisional repairs that have been made to her. I know you were hoping I would get you to Ballyraghan Bay to look for your family member, so I will try and arrange for you to be guided overland or you can wait with my crew and I while repairs are completed and I set sail again. Either way, the times will be approximately the same.” He stepped closer and put his hands on the rails and leaned heavily before adding, “I am truly sorry for your loss, and even though I knew Ben only a short while I feel his loss too.” His sincere words brought tears to Jess’s eyes and she stubbornly raised her head, pushed out her chin, and choked down her pain. “Thank you, Captain Murphy, for your kind words.” Every one of the cells in her body wanted her to crawl into his arms and lay her head on his broad chest and feel his strong arms encircle her, entice his warm lips down to hers, and his hands to soothe her aching body, mind, and soul with their touch. The pain of wanting him was as bad as the pain of losing Ben and Jess held her breath not knowing whether she would give in to her wants and desires or be strong enough to withstand the temptation beside her, in all his bruised, battered, and injured perfection.

“Oh Jess, I forgot to mention to you that Mr. Tora has set up a bath for you. Please, feel free to bathe in the privacy of my cabin.” He said kindly in his quiet husky voice that made Jess quiver all over again.

Being glad of the opportunity to get away from him, Jessie stood up to take her leave to bathe, but stopped and turned to Gray and looked up at him. ’Thank you, Grayson. I cannot express my thanks enough. I just don’t have the words right now.” Jessie saw the pain in his eyes and she knew it was because it looked like a karate champion had taken his nun chucks to her face, but she smiled bravely and turned back and went down the stairs, walked straight-backed, and with her head held high across the deck and entered the cabin looking forward to the comfort of a bath.

Beside the steaming tub was a stool and on it was laid out towels and soap and a small glass vial that she picked up, and pulling out the stopper, sniffed at the contents. Jess was pleasantly surprised to replace that there was jojoba oil in the vial and the smell was gloriously pleasant so she added several drops to the hot water in the tub. She began to remove her bloodied and dirt-encrusted clothing when she suddenly stopped and realized that she did not have another set of clothing to change into, and she looked around the cabin hoping to replace something, but there was not. She saw two of Gray’s spare shirts hanging on a hook beside the bookshelf and that was it. Jess desperately wanted a bath so she decided she would have to wash her clothes in her bath water after she bathed and then put them out to dry. The coil of thin rope she had used to tie around her waist was on the floor beside the desk so a plan formed in her head. She would tie the rope somehow to make a clothesline near the windows, open them and hang her washed clothes up, and while she waited for them to dry she would wrap herself in the towel and put one of Grays’ shirts over and sit in the sun too.

Happy with that plan Jess stripped, including the binding around her breasts, which felt so good, and got in the bath and settled herself down. Sighing at the sheer bliss of being able to relax in a hot bath Jess took a few moments to simply lie back and enjoy the comfortable feeling. When she realized she was starting to doze off in the tub she got to scrubbing herself and in some places more gently than others. From her hair down to her toes, Jess scrubbed, not only the dirt and blood and grime but the emotional dirt and baggage too. She felt it all peeling away and her senses started becoming clearer. She knew what she wanted to do and began mentally working out what she was going to say to Willy. When she was finished she climbed out of the tub and wrapped herself in the towel and began washing her clothes. When that was done she remembered her boots and stockings in the storage space under the bed and collected them and gave her stockings a wash and her boots a good clean. Taking the rope she tied it to the bookshelf post and then to the centerpiece of the windows and hung her clothes, undies, and binding bandage over it. With the warm breeze blowing into the cabin Jess felt it would not be long before her laundry dried.

Collecting one of Grays’ spare shirts she pulled it over her head and it came to her knees so she removed the towel and set that out to dry too. Rolling up the sleeves to her elbows she took the jug beside the tub and began to empty the dirty water from it and threw the water out of the window. Once that was done Jess felt exhausted and looked at the books on the bookshelf for something to read while she waited and was quite happy when she found The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde.

Climbing up on to the bed Jess pulled pillows behind her and settled down with her legs crossed at the ankles, enjoying the sun that was falling across the bed, to read the old classic. In no time at all Rogue appeared and jumped up beside Jess on the bed. “Oh, I am so glad to see you, beautiful boy.” She lisped and the cat cocked his head and peered at her suspiciously and Jess couldn’t help but laugh softly. “Please let me thank you for your contribution to our not being found in our hidey-hole. It may not have smelled very pleasant, but it worked a treat.” And she leaned forward and kissed the top of his head and was rewarded with purring that, she felt, belonged in the Guinness book of records. She cuddled and fussed over him for a little bit longer before he walked away and curled up on her legs and Jess settled down to read the book she had chosen.

That was how Gray again found Jess when he had walked into the cabin, carrying two large buckets of water, and after knocking and not receiving a reply he had quietly opened the door. He stood in the center of the cabin staring at her while she slept. Even with her bruises and cuts he thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life and he had romanced and dallied with many a woman whom he had thought beautiful, but they paled in comparison. Remembering her actions, which were only a few hours old, he marveled at her bravery and strength. Looking up and seeing the nifty wash line and her things hanging up made him smile and then noticing Rogue happily sleeping on her lap made him shake his head and feel ridiculously envious of the feline. “Of course, the cat gets the lap, huh?” he mumbled softly and the cat raised his head sleepily, yawned widely, and then snuggled back down.

Gray could only imagine what she could possibly be going through having just lost her father. It was tragic, to be sure, but she still had Willy who seemed to be a good enough fellow and was her godfather, whom she had known all her life, so that was some small consolation. Leaning over her he removed the book from where it had fallen on the bed and he caught the scent of the bath oil Mr. Tora had left for her and his imagination started running wild again as to how he wanted to ravage this beautiful woman’s body with lips and hands and he ran his eyes over her sleeping form and saw how tiny she was. He thought she looked like a goddess sleeping in his shirt and he allowed his eyes, once again, to leisurely gaze over her once more and he could see the faint outline of tiny breasts beneath the cotton of his shirt and he jerked back slightly with a start when he saw that she was completely naked underneath. Jerking himself upright, and almost strangling himself on the makeshift wash line, he swore softly under his breath, grabbed the silky sheet at the foot of the bed and covered her then moved to the tub worrying that his raggedy loud breathing would wake her.

He desperately wanted to bathe and clean his superficial wounds with the tincture Mr. Tora had given him to add to his bath water. As quietly as he could he poured the water from the two buckets into the tub with the provided tincture, glanced quickly at the sleeping woman in his bed, and then quietly, but quickly, stripped off his clothing, boots, and hair ribbon and climbed gingerly into the tub. His wounds burnt fiercely and he hissed through his teeth as he leaned back as far as he could in the cramped tub and gingerly poured the water over himself with the small jug. After washing his chest and belly he quickly scrubbed his legs and feet. Then, placing his legs over the lip of the tub, sank down under the water to scrub his hair and ease the ache of the bruising on his face in the warm water. Scooting himself back up he sat in the water for a time and leaned his head back with his eyes closed. He felt quite secure with the crew he had and the instructions he had left with the shift on deck that he knew he had a couple of hours rest before he needed to head out back onto the deck so he climbed quietly out of the tub and it dawned on him that he did not have a towel. As he was about to bend and pick up his shirt to dry himself he remembered the towel over Jessie’s wash line and silently crept over and grabbed it off and wrapped it around his waist. He could only imagine her waking up to see his naked body over her reaching for the towel. Shaking his head he cleared that image quickly and walked to where the chaise lounge was in the shadows and dried himself. Pulling the remaining spare clean shirt from the peg he yanked it over his head then pulled on a pair of loose-fitting drawstring breeches and then stood wondering where he was going to lie down to rest. The chaise lounge was too small and way too hard and the chair was just bloody uncomfortable. Finally giving in he walked over to the bed and lay down gently on top of the sheet on his side next to the sleeping Jessie. Two of the pillows she had placed behind her had been pushed aside and he took these and pulled them under his head. His brain and body were all too aware of the young woman sleeping peacefully behind him, but he would never force himself on any woman, so he chastised himself for his hedonistic thoughts of her body and closed his eyes. Listening to the gentle splashing of the waves on the wake left by his ship, Jessie’s soft breathing and her comfortable form beside him, and the sleeping cats purring Gray fell asleep in no time at all.

Jess had vaguely heard someone enter the cabin and then a very soft and light splashing of water but she had been far too tired to open her one good eye. The warm sun, the motion of the ship, and the rhythmic lapping of the water had been like a sedative and she had not been roused enough to wake fully. Turning onto her side without opening her eye she moved Rogue and he must have jumped off the bed as she heard a light bump on the floor and she knew he would simply replace himself another spot to sleep, Jess snuggled under the soft sheet and cuddled closer into what she thought were warm pillows in front of her and gave a soft sigh and dropped into a dreamless sleep once more.

The air had become a little bit cooler and Jess, waking slightly, crept closer to the comfortably warm pillows that she had wrapped her arm around, and then with a mental jolt she realized that what she had her arm around was not a pillow, but a very solid, but warm, softly breathing body and she took her arm away and pulled it under the sheet. Warily opening her eye she saw the bruised face of Grayson sleeping peacefully in front of her and she saw that he had lain on top of the sheet and he was clothed, albeit in a loose shirt and loose-fitting pajama-like pants. A small, but quick, moment of disappointment fluttered through her before she got control of herself and started going over again all the reasons why it would not be a good idea to become attached to this man.

Jess might still have been a virgin, but she was no nun. She had done her fair share of kissing and heavy petting in her time and she was, after all, only twenty-five and very hot-blooded. Mentally giving herself a slap she focused on more important things. Gray could never know about Nick and the fact that she was from the future would be totally unbelievable to a man living in the eighteen hundreds, wouldn’t it? He would probably think she was mad and regret ever having helped her and Willy. God this was a mess! Her body was already betraying her by feeling things her head was telling her not to.

She pulled her arm out from under the sheet and very softly and gently pushed a lock of hair that had fallen across his brow and eyes out of the way. His hair was so soft and the curl wrapped around her finger. His curls were as big as hers and his hair was black and the stubble on his jaw gave him a rakish look, but he looked so peaceful while he was sleeping. Jess marveled at the shape of his mouth and lips even though the bottom lip was slightly bruised and swollen. He smelled of a disinfectant that she quite rightly assumed had been used to clean his wounds. His hands were under the pillows under his head, but she remembered what they looked like. Large hands with long fingers tipped with square fingernails and his thumbs that looked as though they curled backward slightly.

Closing her eyes again she took a slow but deep breath to calm her rattled nerves and when she opened them again she stared straight into those mesmerizing green eyes she could drown in. Jessie just lay there, on her side, staring into his eyes and he lay staring into hers, neither wanting to break the peaceful oneness they both felt. Finally, Gray moved his hand out from under the pillow and touched her face gently and then softly pushed her hair back, and then with his thumb, he very gently traced her mouth with what felt like a whisper of a touch, and Jessie’s belly knotted and quivered and her blood felt like molten lava. Giving in to her traitorous body Jessie ran her fingers over his face and then through his baby soft hair, all the time staring into his eyes.

Gray ran his fingers along her jawline and then down her neck and along her collar bone leaving a trail of electric heat in their wake. Jessie placed her hand over his heart and felt it beating rapidly and she smiled feeling grateful that his heart was racing as fast as hers was. Placing his arm around her waist he pulled her closer still to him and she wrapped her arm around him and felt the muscles contract on his back. He was solid, but comfortingly so and Jess thought she would melt into him if he didn’t kiss her. As though reading her thoughts he brought his face that little bit closer and gently kissed her lips, firstly her top lip and then her bottom lip. He kissed her bruised face and then ran small kisses down her jawline, being very careful of her injuries. Pulling the already baggy collar aside he reigned kisses down on her neck and throat while his one hand undid the buttons in the front and he slowly moved his fingertips over her skin towards one small breast and when he cupped it in his hand Jess thought she was going to explode from wanting him. Her breaths were coming in short gasps and pants and she arched her back and he brought his head down and took her pert little breast in his warm, moist mouth and his tongue traced circles around her nipple which was already as hard as a wild berry. Groaning Jessie ran her hand down his back and slipped it under his shirt and lightly touched his warm skin and then moved her hand down and slipped it under the waist band of his loose pants to feel and trace his taught backside.

Raising his head he whispered, “My want of you is driving me insane Jessie.” And he moved so that he was partly above her and she could wrap both arms around him and he pressed his hips close to her where she felt how aroused he was. For Jessie, there was no turning back and she started pulling his shirt over his head and he allowed it to slip off and tossed it onto the floor. “Your turn.” He said to her and started tugging the shirt covering her up and over her head and tossing that one on the floor too. Leaning on his elbow he looked down at her with eyes that were blazing with lust and she thought could feel the path they took on her body. His touch was gentle but caused the equivalent of an electric shock to erupt in her body. She had never before wanted a man as much as she wanted Gray. “Oh dear god, you have a beautiful body, but you are so wee. I am afraid I will break you.” He almost cried softly and Jess held him closer and whispered against his mouth, “I am tougher than I look.”

“Don’t I know it!” he grinned at her and his eyes gleamed with unadulterated desire.

Bending his head he started leaving little hot kisses on her body and her muscles clenched almost painfully under his lips, but it was an ecstatic pain and made Jess groan softly. His lips and tongue moved down over her belly and he traced a ring around her belly button. Never in her wildest dreams did she think she would replace something like that so erotic. His mouth moved lower and then he found the place that Jess had been trying to control and failing. His tongue did maddening things to her and her hands gripped his hair then the sheets, she wrapped her legs around his shoulders and raised her hips as his tongue drove her to the brink of madness, where she thought to happily go, as long as she felt that release he was bringing out of her. The explosion of ecstasy that erupted from Jess brought his name to her lips. She rose to the highest of highs and she groaned softly as her mind went blank and she allowed the pleasure to swallow her whole. Her muscles reacted and pulsed with each release and Gray moved atop her gently as he pulled off his breeches and carefully moved between her legs. Jessie was reaching for him and lifting her hips to him as he placed his hardened manhood to the moistened lips of her mound and she knew what she had to do to get the initial penetration over so she put her hand between them and guided him and as he was gently pressing forward Jess raised her hips and wrapped her legs about his waist and pressed with all her might and the pain was quick and sharp but there was a pleasure in the pain. Gray went rigid and held himself up using his arms and stared down at her with a horrified expression on his face. “Jessie, are you a virgin?”

Looking up at him with passion-clouded eyes she replied, “Not now, no.” and smiled, “Please don’t stop now Gray. I want this so badly and I want it to be you.” She panted as she pleaded and she started moving her hips seductively beneath him and he growled in her ear as he leaned over her, “Are you sure Jessie?”

“Yes! Please!” she couldn’t stand it any longer and took his face in her hands and kissed him with all the passion she felt for him. Her mouth was hot and she barely felt the pain of her swollen lip and her passion grew as she felt Gray start moving above her. It felt a little uncomfortable but that soon faded as she became aroused yet again and their bodies moved as one in the age-old motion of lovemaking. She called out his name in a soft whimper and he said her name over and over as they brought each other to a climax that took them both simultaneously tumbling over a waterfall but left them clinging to each other with legs, arms, and lips. Over and over the spasms of their release united them and Grays’ groan brought the strangest pleasure to Jess just as her whimpers and groans had brought joy to Gray.

As their release became calmer they lay panting wrapped in each other’s arms in a state of euphoric bliss and their breathing started to return to a relatively normal state.

It was Jess who spoke first, “That was better than I could have ever imagined, thank you.” And she kissed his forehead.

Gray looked at her with a slight frown on his forehead and asked, “You seemed very sure you wanted me to be your first. Do you regret it now?” He sounded so unsure that Jess held him tighter and assured him that he was the only one she had ever wanted to have made love to her out of any of the men she had ever met in hertwenty-five years.

At this, he smiled lightly and rolled off her to lay beside her and pulled the sheet over them both. He held her hand and played with her fingers and turned the ring on her finger absentmindedly with a frown on his face. Jess gently extracted her hand from his and said, “We have to get up before someone comes barging in here looking for us.”

“My crew knows better than that and now that you are my woman they will have to be a lot more respectful.” Jess became rigid and her anger at his presumptuous comment brought a frown to her brow. Sitting up she said in an icy tone, “I am not your woman, Gray. I am still my own person and I will most assuredly pull my weight around here until such time as we make berth in Dublin. Willy and I will then continue with our plans to replace my brother. I cannot allow anyone or anything to interfere with those plans.” Jess was angry, but she was also hurt at the idea of leaving Gray, but she could not explain it all to him.

Jerking away from her and getting out of bed Grayson glared with flashing green eyes, “So, you choose to lie with me because it suits you and then you tell me you will be leaving? You know I have these feelings for you and I sure as hell know you feel something for me, or did you just pretend so I would feel less guilty about being your first?” he asked cruelly. “Jesus Jess, I thought I was feeling something for a young lad when I first saw you. I thought something had changed in me and when I discovered you were a woman my feelings became more than even I could understand and it confused the hell out of me. More powerful, deeper, and meaningful. For me, anyway.” He looked so injured standing in front of her without a stitch of clothing. Jess couldn’t help but marvel at his beautiful body and the sadness crept in again. She felt her heart breaking all over again.

She just couldn’t commit to anything with Grayson and she chastised herself for being so stupid and allowing her emotions and hormones to overpower her sensible brain. They were worlds apart and Jess knew it. With slumped shoulders, Jess dropped her eyes to her hands in her lap. It would be so easy to tell the truth, but was the risk of him not understanding and thinking she was crazy worth it?

He stepped closer to her and put a finger under her chin and made her look up at him, “I respect that you are your own person. I admire your courage, strength, and loyalty and I can see that things are different for people from the colonies in the Americas, but we can overcome anything we want if we just are truthful with each other.” He took a breath and stepped closer, “I can see you raging a battle within yourself and I sense unsaid words and secrets, Jessie.” He spoke so gently and softly that Jess almost began telling him about herself, but a quick knock at the door interrupted them and Gray swore viciously and shouted that he would be out on deck presently.

Bending he collected his shirt and pulled it over his head and opened a cupboard for a pair of leather pants. Sitting down to pull on his boots he looked up at her with his hair hanging in his eyes and a serious face, “This conversation is not over, Jess.” Standing up and strapping on his sword, sheathing his dagger Gray stomped out of the cabin leaving Jess looking after him and feeling cold when he had gone. Her emotions were all over the place and as she stood to get dressed she knew she had a duty to Ben to replace Nick and tell him what he had done and the pain he had caused.

After a quick wash in Greys’ bath water, and attempting to soothe her sensitive area, Jess did not bother worrying about the binding for her breasts, as everyone knew by now that she was a female, Jess pulled on the boy leg briefs, the cotton sports vest over her head and then the shirt, pulled on her stockings and the knee high pants then she sat down to put on her boots before going over to quickly straighten the bed. Grabbing the crumpled sheet in her frustration Jessie came up short when she saw the virginal patch of blood and she closed her eyes. She wanted Gray in a way that she never thought possible and she felt as though she had not been whole until she had found him. He was her missing link, the soul that reached out and perfectly matched her soul. Still feeling his touch on her skin she sank to her knees and sobbed quietly as she leaned her head on the bed and felt Rogue press himself up against her hip. Such a small action brought on more tears and Jess gave in to them.