Love conquers all
9. Will I still have my 4 months?

When he came to my ear to whisper, “Myra… Myra we’re done!” It was the nurse who announced the end of the diagnostic test. She took me back to my room and before leaving she said: “You can dress Myra, when the doctor comes to see you, you can go home.” After a while my mother came in with clean clothes. She started to lift the edge of my hospital gown and I stopped her immediately: “Mom, I’m fine. I can do it myself. I’m not dea ...”

“Don’t even finish the sentence, little girl!”

“Can I be alone, please?!”

“Of course you can!” With a dejected expression she left the room as I had asked. I felt too short-tempered, touchy, even mean. I could have hurt someone with my sour words. I couldn’t stand anyone doing or saying anything.

I was ready to get out of there when someone knocked on the door. Val walked in without asking permission and sat in the chair next to my hospital bed.

“Mom asked me to come and see if you needed anything.”

“Mom just can’t do without it!”

“You know what mom is like.”

“I know ... I exaggerated and I’ll apologize later. She didn’t deserve my attitude.”

“If you ask me, I would tell you that an apology is useless, because mom knows that you love her. In this period we are all on an active war footing. I think it is normal to be so after this diagnosis.”

“Have you seen Nathan?” I realized that I did nothing but ask for him, he was stronger than me, I could not help thinking about that moment when he left my hospital room.

“He hasn’t been back since he left this room.” Val answered without adding anything else and I was grateful, I didn’t want to hear more.

“Myra ...“, as he was about to add more we heard a knock on the door: “Myra, I’m here with the result of the PET;” the doctor said as he entered, followed by my parents. Val wanted to go out but I begged him to stay.

“Unfortunately, the PET scan showed that there are metastases elsewhere in your body.”

“What has changed from the outlook a week ago?” I asked him with no emotion in my voice or in my facial expression.

“Surgery is no longer an option. We could have done a surgery at a particular point, but if we had to do all the necessary surgerys, your body would not be able to bear them.”

“Will I still have my 4 months?”

“Myra you have to do chemotherapy;” my mother said trying to argue.

“No mom, I don’t want it.”

“But it will give us more time.”

“Right, you want more time, but you also have to take into account the quality of life. I don’t want to waste time on therapies that will make me feel bad, I want to use that time to live. Above all, I don’t want to lose my hair.” It might seem a silly thing at the time to think about my damn hair, but I had seen how chemo reduced people and I wasn’t willing to take that path, even if it meant having a little more time.

“Myra ...”

“No mum, I have already made my decision and I would ask you all to respect it, even if you don’t agree with it.” My father put his arm on my mother’s shoulders and she leaned completely against him; while Val she shook my hand. I couldn’t blame my family for wanting more time, but I wasn’t going to let anyone make a decision that was up to me, and only me.

“I’ll prepare a medical prescription to follow as needed, I’ll leave it at the nurses’ desk. For anything else you know where to replace me.” Doctor Leporis said, bowing his head to give his regards and left the room followed by the nurse.

I finally left the hospital and went for a walk in the forest. I came to my favorite spot, it was a clearing with tall grass and colorful wildflowers. In the grass I lay down to admire the sky and its clouds, which were tinged with the warm colors of the setting sun. Lost in the contemplation of nature I felt someone, a wolf approaching. I did not turn my head, I did not breathe, I remained motionless. The wolf perched beside me, with his wet muzzle he touched my hand, motioned for me to stroke his head, his black fur. I had never seen this wolf and strangely I was not frightened by it, on the contrary I stayed there, stretched out to caress its soft fur until it got dark. I got up to go back to the castle and the wolf bent down inviting me to climb on top of him. My parents had never allowed me to ride wolves. My brother Val and my friends always offered it to me, but it was risky, I was human so a fall could be a tragedy. I thought that it was no longer the time of ifs, buts, perhaps, it was the time to live in the present, so I climbed onto the back of the wolf and hugged him tightly. “Take it easy, please. It’s my first time.” The wolf began to walk, then picked up speed a little. I closed my eyes and all the way I could feel the wind on my face, the smell of forest soil and grass tickling my nostrils and the reassuring warmth emanating from the wolf below me.

Arriving at the castle the wolf lowered to let me down and barked at me, perhaps it was his way of saying goodbye. I smiled at him, I was damned curious to know who he was, but I didn’t have time to ask to transform that the wolf left.

“Did you see Nathan? When we got back from the hospital he was looking for you and I told him you were in the forest”; my brother Val said as soon as I entered. I smiled at that information, because I realized that he was the wolf I had spent all that time with.

“No, I have not seen him”; I answered sincerely because I hadn’t really seen him, but I didn’t tell him about the encounter with the wolf. I went to my room, closed the door and leaned on it, smiling.

When I walked into my class the next morning, I had a smile on my face ready for Nathan, but he fell over when I noticed his desk was empty.

What did that behavior mean about him? I didn’t have time to try to give a rational answer to that question as the science teacher walked in the door.

When the bell rang announcing the end of classes, I left my books and notebooks in the locker and walked home. I took the long way, the one in which I would have crossed the whole park to the main entrance, I wanted to walk and let my brain stretch.

As I walked through the park I heard someone calling me: “Myra.” I turned around and the “Handsome and Damned” had finally decided to introduce himself.

I looked into his eyes for a moment without saying anything, turned around and continued walking on my way. He reached me in a few long strides and grabbed me by the wrist.

“Myra, can you stop and listen for a moment to what I have to say?”

I stopped but didn’t turn to look at him, I would have listened to him, though.

“Myra, I don’t want ...“, I interrupted him before hearing the rest, the beginning was leading me towards a speech I didn’t want to hear, not at that moment.

“You don’t want what?” I blurted out! “Don’t you want to be with a girl who has one foot in the grave!?” My sentence sounded mean even though it was the truth, I had a fucking foot in the grave. He frowned, his expression was indecipherable: bewildered, offended, angry. Maybe all of these emotions together or none of them, I wasn’t sure. One thing I was sure of was: these days were hard to keep my mean sentences out of talk. First with my mother and in that moment with Nathan. I turned and started walking back home but I felt relieved from the ground, Nathan had taken me in his arms like a bouquet of flowers.

“What are you going to do, put me down!” I screamed with all the strength my voice had. I was punching him in the back, but it was like hitting a rock.

“You’re deaf, I said put me down! Aaaaaaaaaaa!” I screamed so loud that my vocal cords burned. Nothing, he acted as if he were deaf, or that he was not directly concerned. He started running in the forest until we reached my favorite place. In the center of the field was a blanket with a picnic basket.

“What ...“, I widened my eyes, he let me down and I tried to replace something to say, but every time I felt nothing came out of my mouth.

“Will you let me speak this time without interrupting?” Seeing and considering that the words had momentarily abandoned me, I simply nodded my head. After seeing what he had prepared for me, I could only hope that what he would tell me was nowhere near what I had thought about.

“I don’t want to see your tears. I don’t want to lose another person I love. I don’t want to feel helpless. This was what I said to myself when I lost my mother and immediately thought when I heard your diagnosis.” He spoke these words looking into my eyes without blinking. Then he continued: “I am aware of your situation and I know it will not be possible to avoid tears, it will not be possible to avoid losing someone I love and it will not be possible to avoid feeling helpless. But this is what I want. We ... I want us for as long as we have. ” He closed the distance that separated us, a breath from my lips he stopped, looking straight into my eyes he asked me: “Do you want what I want too?” Was that what I wanted? What I wanted was right there on the tip of my tongue ready to go out.