Lustful Hearts
Chapter 72: Darkness - P2

I swiped away a tear, trying to regain some composure. "I don't want you to go, just being around him will affect you, he'll make you feel worthless, drag you down. Can you not ask Robert if we can go to see him after Christmas together?"

He bit his lip in frustration, his eyes never leaving mine. He was working out the right way to tell me the words I didn't want to hear.

"Iz... I've promised him now. You know he's on his own and he's been at me for a while to go. I've put it off as I didn't want to leave you, but he asked me especially, please don't make me break a promise." I closed my eyes as fresh tears slid down my cheeks. I buried my head deep in the pillow as his fingers soothingly stroked my hair.

"Hey Izzy, please don't cry. You're building something inside your head that isn't going to happen. Calm down. It's only five days, and then I'll be back home with you. We'll wake up Christmas morning together wrapped in each other's arms, I promise."

His words were not enough to appease my fears. I knew from the moment he left I'd never take a reassuring breath until the moment he returned.

"Fine," I snapped. Regardless of what I said it was futile, he'd made his mind up to go. I pulled the duvet up over my head as more tears escaped. A cold chill ran through my body causing me to shiver.

It was like nature's way of preparing me for what was about to happen. Inside I knew I needed to put on a brave face, but for a few moments I wanted to be selfish, to put my own needs first.

He peeled back the duvet, breaking me away from my safe little cocoon. "Iz... Izzy, please. I don't want to leave under a black cloud..." He pulled me in close, his chest pressed up against my back and kissed my hair.

"I need to be with you. I can't last the next five days if I don't, please don't push me away." His fingers stroked my arm, sending a trail of goose bumps in their wake.

I closed my eyes, desperate to lock the demons away, even if it was just for a short period of time. I knew they would come back with a vengeance the moment he walked out the door. For now I had to pretend for his sake.

I pushed myself back around so our faces were barely inches apart. His thumb brushed away the tears, and I moaned softly when his lips gently brushed up against mine. He pulled back almost like he was wary of my reaction.

I let out a large exhale of air, of all the pent up frustration I had been holding in what seemed like forever, and kissed him back hard.

His eyes widened, and he instantly responded. Our mouths locked together, our kisses becoming more and more urgent like we realised how limited our time was together.

"I need you, Joel," I whispered, breaking away, staring deep into his eyes. "I will always need you, please remember that."

He nodded slightly, and his eyes glazed over. I knew he was too emotional to speak so I pulled him close, hesitating slightly before pressing my lips against his. We no longer needed words.

I just needed him to show me, to love me and to be with me right at this moment. I needed him to take my breath away one more time before he walked out the door.

***

Joel kept to his promise in ringing and texting several times a day. He appeared fine, forever reassuring me just how much he missed me. His voice still left me breathless, and I physically ached to touch him, to be near him once again.

The bed was just way too big without him. I missed the comfort of his warm, hard body wrapped around mine. My only consolation was the T-shirt he had left. I wore it every night, enveloped in his scent.

It was the only reassurance I had and was enough to keep the demons at bay. The anxiety had lessened with each phone call but hadn't fully gone away.

I was always well aware never to count on anything, my mind always reminding me that something could go wrong.

On the fourth day I heard nothing, his usual calls had ceased, and my texts remained unanswered.

I had talked myself up into so much of a frenzy that Elijah had come over, quickly packing an overnight bag and dragging me to stay over at his.

Despite my reluctance I knew being alone would mean dwelling and staying up all night worrying.

The night had been long and restless, and despite my many attempts to will myself, sleep had failed to come. Instead I scrutinised every last conversation we shared over the last few days, going through his moods on each and every phone call, slowly driving myself mad.

Had I missed something?

Was there anything I hadn't picked up on?

The truth was deep down I knew the reason behind his silence, I just didn't want to admit to myself that my darkest fears were about to come true.

***

I awoke early the next morning, quickly gathering my belongings and headed home I wanted to be there when he came back.

The moment I pushed open the door I knew something felt different. There was a shift in the air as fear crept up inside me.

I clicked on the light, and my breath hitched. Joel's bag was sitting on the floor with his coat slung over the top. I studied it for several seconds, almost too scared to breathe.

Why hadn't he told me he was back?

I bit my lip anxiously, so hard I tasted blood. My heart began to drum hard in my chest, everything pointing to bad. I wasn't certain if I was brave enough to face what was beyond the door.

I unwound my scarf, and my fingers shook, grasping the wool tight. I hung it up along with my coat. I knew I was biding my time, but I couldn't put off the inevitable forever.

The rest of the flat was in complete darkness. My breathing became shallower with each step till it was almost non-existent.

I stood silently at the door with my ear pressed up tight against the hardwood. I could just about make out his light breathing.

A tear trickled down my cheek hearing the sound I had missed so much. My heart ached for him, to be near him once again.

My thoughts took on a different direction the moment I opened the door. I clicked on the small lamp to reveal the sight of him asleep, clutching a three quarters empty bottle of Jack. It was enough to take my breath away for all the wrong reasons.

His angelic expression looked so worn, so tortured. I didn't need to see his eyes to know what had gone on. I could feel the energy around him was far from good. The blood coursing through my veins now turned to ice.

He stirred a little reacting to the light, attempting to bring himself round from his drunken stupor.

Tears filled my eyes, watching his bloodshot ones begin to flutter. He eventually prized them open, but the glare he gave me was a look I'd never forget.

"What are you doing here?" he snapped.

I flinched at his response. His voice sounded so cold and heartless. His eyes were dark and hard and held no emotion. The warmth normally residing there was long gone, he was like an empty shell of the mar I knew and love.

"What do you mean 'what am I doing here'? I live here, what kind of a question is that?"

He jumped slightly when I moved to go near him, avoiding my eyes. I could tell he was embarrassed to be caught when his hand dropped the bottle.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming home?" I asked softly. I needed for him to open up to me, to tell me what was wrong so we could try to fix it.

What had made him go to this extreme? He only hit the Jack when things were really bad, but I didn't have to be Einstein to know who was the reason behind it all.

He groaned, closing his eyes and turned over, pulling the cover over his head as a means of escape. He was retreating back into his shell and pushing me away.

Anger surged through me, he was freezing me out once again. I grabbed the cover hard, wrenching it away from him so he was fully exposed. There was nowhere to hide; he had to face me. I was determined to replace out what was the cause of his downfall.

His face contorted in anger. "For fuck's sake, Izzy, knock it off." He grabbed the duvet back with such force he almost dragged me off my feet.

I stumbled forward and tears pricked my eyes at his cold, cruel actions. "Joel, what the fuck is going on? You'd better tell me right now." My body shook with anger and fear.

He had never been physically rough with me before. I was determined to get some answers, even if I had to drag them out of him.

"Just do me a favour and leave me alone," he spat out, burying his face deeper into the pillow.

"What, to let you wallow in your misery? I don't think so," I snapped back. "Tell me what happened while you were away." I stood holding my breath with my eyes boring into him, waiting for a response. My heart slammed inside my chest at the reality that my worst fear was about to come true.

He kept his back to me using it as a barrier, not capable of looking me in the eye. "It's none of your fucking business, just leave me the fuck alone."

Leave him alone?"