Lustful Hearts
Chapter 88: Cоurаgе - P1

The crashing sound of metal hitting the tiled floor was enough to rip me from my sleep. I sat up in shock, quickly clutching my head as pain ripped right through every part of me. Looking around the room in a daze, I was filled with a sense of dread. The empty space where Joel's body had been was now just a crumpled sheet. I stared at it intently.

Had I imagined the whole thing? I knew the painkillers I was on were strong, but had they brought on a hallucination for me to imagine the one person I needed the most? Tears filled my eyes, and my body shook as a sob ripped right through me. He was never here. I had imagined the whole thing. My body craving the one thing I could no longer have.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Joel asked, rushing through the door. He quickly placed the coffee down, coming over to wrap his arms lovingly around me.

My face crumpled even more, and I sobbed hard into his chest as all the insecurities and desperation seeped out of every pore. My fingers clung tight to him, holding him like I was never letting him go.

He soothed and calmed me with his soft tones, whispering reassurances that I was okay, that he was here, that he would never leave me.

When the sobs finally subsided I pulled away, trying to draw breath to at least try to explain my major freak out. "I thought I'd dreamt the whole thing."

His thumb gently brushed against my face, his eyes lovingly staring into mine. "I told you I'm never leaving you again."

His eyes stared deep into mine, trying to give me the reassurance I so desperately needed. But I'd heard those words before and after living through the last torturous months without him, I wasn't about to suddenly believe that they could actually be true.

"You've said that before," I whispered, dropping my eyes down to the sheet, feeling a tear roll down my cheek. My heart couldn't take any more sadness.

I was pretty sure the next time there would be no coming back from this.

"Hey." He lifted both my hands in his and pulled me near, but I refused to look at him. The hurt that resided in my eyes would be too much for him to bear. "Izzy, please, look at me."

My eyes flicked up from the sheet to lock with his, sadness radiated in his own, and I gasped watching a tear escape and roll down his cheek.

"I promise this is it. I can't run anymore, I can't be without you. I know this now, and despite how hard things get, my heart lies here with you. I'll never leave your side again. You have me forever." "Promise?" I whispered.

A smile touched his lips. "I promise with all my heart." He lifted my hand and placed it over his heart, feeling the steady beat beneath my fingers.

He lifted my chin and brushed his lips against mine, just losing myself in the sweet sensation of his kiss.

After a few moments I pulled away in complete horror. "Oh god," I mumbled, covering my mouth, feeling completely mortified.

"What is it, Iz? You're scaring me." A mixture of confusion and fear crossed his face.

"Well it's..."

"What?"

"I'm kissing you, and I have coma breath." I clutched my mouth once again. I needed an industrial strength mint after eight long days without brushing. Oh, the horror.

Joel chuckled loudly, amusement spreading across his face. I was glad he found it funny. The fact I had death breath was enough to stop me seeing the humour in the situation.

His head flew back unleashing the laughter while complete embarrassment seeped into my every pore.

"What? It's true, don't come near me!" I warned.

Joel stood up, shaking his head, quickly making his way out the door. Several moments later, he returned with a plastic cup in hand. "This will sweeten you up. It's your favourite, a caramel latte." My eyes widened in agreement, taking the cup and enjoying the sweet sensation that engulfed my taste buds.

He inched in closer to whisper in my ear. "Remember, you didn't get that from me." He shot me a playful wink and I saluted in response, barely drawing breath, taking short, sweet sips of heaven. Throwing the cup into the bin after taking the final sip, I motioned for Joel to come back over. He smiled sitting up close as my fingers weaved into his hair guiding him to where I needed to be. "What about the coma breath?" he whispered, his eyes still crinkled with humour.

"I'm pretty sure you're safe." I winked, drawing his lips to mine

"I love you, Iz," he breathed. "And I'm never letting you go."

"Good," I whispered, just as his lips touched mine.

I was right where I needed to be.

***

My mother stopped by shortly after. She'd cried for the first twenty minutes, which had been slightly awkward. But thankfully Joel had left us to give us some space and avoided the embarrassment. Mike had supposedly been outside in the waiting room, but after several minutes of my mother's gentle persuasion, I was no further forward in accepting his apology.

She left not long after with tears in her eyes. I knew it was wrong to put her in the middle of our fight, but right now I couldn't even contemplate forgiving him.

Joel came back in moments later with a concerned look on his face, taking in my sad demeanour. "Hey, are okay? You look tired." He sat down on the bed and lifted my hand to his lips, kissing each fingertip. "I shouldn't be after being out cold for eight days, but I somehow can't seem to keep my eyes open." The weariness was taking its toll, I was barely functioning, my eyes felt so heavy.

"Come on, let me get you comfortable, and you can have a nap." He smiled, straightening out my pillows before pressing a sweet kiss against my skin.

"Will you stay with me?" I mumbled barely coherent, the drugs now beginning to takeover.

"Of course."

I sighed and a soft smile touched my lips before I fell into a contented sleep.

***

I stirred a while later feeling Joel's fingers still interlaced with my own. I popped open an eye to replace him smiling back. He had the television on low, but quickly turned it off the moment my eyes fully opened. He grabbed the beaker of water, guiding the straw into my mouth, and I took a welcoming sip. The cold water felt good against my dry, tight throat.

He placed it back down, drawing me into a soft kiss, moving away my finger brushed against the cool gold band, and I stared at his hand in surprise.

"You're still wearing it?" I asked, looking shocked as my fingertips traced along the ring.

"I said I'd never take it off." His eyes looked hurt and disappointed that I thought differently. I didn't want to allow myself that luxury to think that maybe he had stayed monogamous the whole time. "I just... well, I didn't want to presume."

He smiled softly, though his eyes quickly shot to my ring-less finger. A frown took over before he allowed himself a few moments to speak. "I found this in the drawer with all your personal belongings." He pulled out my chain with the ring still attached. A level of sadness filled his eyes at the knowledge I had stopped wearing the ring that held so much promise to our union together.

"I never took it off," I whispered, my voice barely audible. A tear rolled down my cheek at the realisation he thought I had, like I dismissed him as easily as that.

"Everyone told me to move on, that I had to take it off to accept the fact you had moved on and you were never coming back. But I couldn't, my heart wouldn't allow me to. So I did the next best thing, I put it on a chain that rested against my heart. You were always with me, just away from prying eyes. I kept you close, every minute of every day." I watched Joel's eyes begin to glaze over, filled with so much emotion.

I grabbed his hand, pressing my lips against the gold. Joel's fingers curled around mine before he pulled me in close. "Thank you for not taking it off, for keeping your vow."

"Always." He pulled back to brush his lips against mine. He slipped the ring from the chain, placing it back on my finger, almost like it had never left. He then placed a kiss against it before saying, "You'll always have my heart."

I stroked my finger along his cheek as fresh tears escaped from my eyes. Drawing him in so we were barely inches away, I said, "And you'll always have mine."

***

"Izzy, I know you're nervous, but I promise you it's not as bad as it looks," Joel soothed as I cringed, trying to avoid the mirror that was now sat in front of me.

I didn't want to see it, to witness the scar this close up, but the doctors and everyone agreed that in order to move forward I had to take the leap and come to terms with what had happened.

I'd already been pre-warned that a portion of my head had been shaved and in its place sat an ugly scar. I knew once I saw it I'd be devastated. Ignorance was definitely bliss on this occasion. Joel's eyes gently persuaded me to be brave, but I could see the level of fear they held for what my reaction would be.

Could I do this?

I hesitantly lifted the mirror, biting down hard on my lip. My eyes automatically closed, and I took in a deep breath trying to compose myself before the moment of truth.000000