Rebellion
⌛Eleventh⌛

Usually I can tell when I’m asleep. I only have a few nightmares that continue to reoccur.

I was standing in the grass; I had cuts and bruises all over me. My leg was caught by a large glass shard but I didn’t feel the pain. I couldn’t feel anything.

I didn’t have to look around because I knew exactly where I was.

If I follow the trail of blood I know where it will take me. Yet I didn’t stop myself from walking. The dream happens the same way. I walked through the path, seeing more debris and broken glass and metal everywhere. It didn’t take long to get to the open area.

There was blood everywhere. There was just so much blood everywhere. Even in my nightmares it’s overwhelming. There’s only one place I found myself staring; I moved like I always do in my nightmares, going towards the sight that makes me cry the hardest.

That’s the only part I can’t stop.

And the worst part of it is that in my nightmare, Sirus doesn’t get up. His eyes don’t open like they’re supposed to.

I woke up to pain in my chest; my hair mashed around my face and neck from the sweat. For a second I was completely disoriented. I tried to focus on actually being awake instead.

I looked up and remembered that I came home for the night. I was in my room. It was hard to remember why I came here.

Although I was laying down, I felt incredibly dizzy, like I was about to fall over. The pain in my chest traveled lower, my hand clutching my shirt when I felt the wave of nausea. I rushed out of bed and fumbled around in the dark, trying to make my way to the bathroom without hurting myself. The pain in my body just got worse and worse until finally I couldn’t hold it.

The second I got my hands on the cold edge of the toilet, I threw up. Just feeling my body tense up as I retched into the bowl hurt worse than anything. The pain in my chest was still there and didn’t go away.

I haven’t gotten sick like this since I was a child.

The feeling was terrible.

My hands were beginning get clammy and more sweat formed on my face, my hair mashing around my skin. My fingers clutched tighter when I felt another wave of sickness hit me again. I have never been so miserable than right now. Just to hold myself up took a lot of strength, strength I actually did not have.

When I couldn’t move, I let my head rest on the seat and pushed my hair back.

I groaned when the pain in my chest returned. My muscles tightened and I straightened up again, hoping to settle the sickness but it didn’t help.

I don’t know how long I suffered like this but it was definitely a while because when I came to my senses again, it was already morning and I was laying on the bathroom floor. It seemed like all I did was blink and now I could see the sunlight in the mirror. I wasn’t sure what happened, but something definitely did. I felt weightless and tired. I also felt tense and sore. I stared up at the ceiling till I could get enough strength to get myself together.

I didn’t want to go to work this morning but something in the back of my mind said that it would be a good idea if I did. I can’t just skip whatever I want to now that I’m a rebel. If I don’t remain perfect in every shape and form, I’m sure Janus will use whatever mistake I make to his advantage.

That was the kind of thing I was stressing about.

Already I felt like I couldn’t breathe again. It wasn’t as bad as earlier but it was bad enough that I didn’t want to get up.

Then my mind began to roam.

What if everything fails? What if I’m the failure? What if I can’t help anyone?

My hand clutched at my shirt, tugging over my chest where I felt the tightness. I gasped for air but it didn’t seem to help. It was like I was choking and no matter what happy thoughts went through my mind, nothing changed.

Breathe.

Just breathe.

Just breathe!

It took a long while, but I finally got to the point where I wasn’t choking or thinking of my impending doom. Having to go through that was torture enough. One day I’ll be able to manage but it doesn’t seem like today would be that day, considering how my morning started.

I got up off the floor slowly and put my hands down on the counter. My hair covered my face when I looked up to the mirror; my fingers pushed my hair back from my face so I could see. My cheeks were puffy, my eyes were red, and my skin was pale. It looked like I was sick but really, I didn’t sleep from having a terrible morning so I cried about it.

I’m tired.

I am just so tired.

There was nothing worse than getting up and feeling like I don’t have the strength to do anything. I sighed, disappointed and hopeless. This won’t stop me from going to work this morning. I reached for a hair tie by the sink so I could put my hair up.

The rest of the morning was slow for me. It was too much of a struggle to put my uniform on. I tried to get myself at least a little more presentable but I stopped caring after a little while.

I walked out of my room as I put my badge in my jacket pocket. I could hear my parents talking in the kitchen quietly. When I walked by, they stopped.

I’m not home as much as I used to be. Sometimes I would stay a night or two but it’s not much more than that usually. They never really saw me that much anyway, which I wanted to change when we got down to this planet but I didn’t hold up on that promise too well.

My mom came over to me and put her hands on my face.

“You look terrible.” She said, a bit stunned. “Did you sleep?” She asked.

“Mom, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? You can stay in for the rest of the day and...” She stopped when my dad got her attention.

I know she wants to take care of me but at this point there’s not much she can do for me. I haven’t told them how I’ve been struggling. They’ve worried about me for years, I can’t add on to that by telling them that I’m suffering mental trauma from choices I’ve made in my life. My dad knows my mom worries for me, he does too, but there’s nothing else.

“Oh well, your birthday is coming up. Is there anything you would like?” She asked.

Every year she does her best to spoil me.

“For me? No. I don’t need any gifts.” I told them.

They should worry about themselves now. Their kids are just about gone most of the time. It won’t be long before Alara gets a place of her own and probably moves on. I’m just trying to manage but for the most part I’m never here. My parents are getting old, they deserve to finally rest and stop worrying about their kids that make horrible choices.

She was about to tell me her extravagant plans for me but I’m not Alara, I’m not that interested in going wild. So my mom held it in and toned it down a little. “I know your friend likes salted caramel cookies. I should make some for you to take-”

No! That’s a horrible idea! Sirus doesn’t deserve anything, ever, especially from my mother.

“Mom. It’s okay.” I put my hands on her shoulders. I had to stop her from making a mistake. I also needed to change the subject. “I should be the one doing things for you.”

“But it’s your birthday.”

“I know and I don’t mind.” I shrugged. “I’ll be back later, okay. I know you’ll still try to surprise me with something even though I said no.” I know her. She and dad will definitely surprise me.

“Be safe at work.” She told me as I took my stuff.

Am I safe? Am I looking out for myself? Am I being careful?

Gosh no. I can’t tell my mother that, she’ll freak. The last thing she needs to know is that I’m still pushing myself to my limits like I’ve always done.

I just need something else to focus on for the day instead of this.

I can’t handle thinking more about any of this. I might get sick again.

I remained as quiet as I possibly could as I walked around. I dreaded coming to work because it’s no longer like work anymore. I only replace myself here because I need to do something and society won’t just let me quit without figuring something to do.

“Hey,” Taurus walked by and looked around me, confused. “That’s odd, you’re usually eating something, or you know, multiple things.” she laughed to herself since she thought she was funny.

“I got sick this morning so even the sight of food makes me cringe.” I didn’t have breakfast this morning just because of that.

“You’re not pregnant, are you?” she asked me casually. I just glanced at her bitterly, not saying a word because there was nothing I could respond with. It’s not funny. “I’m kidding.” she giggled.

But is she really?

“Why don’t you ask your sister what’s up? She is a P.A. after all.” Taurus said.

“She’s not licensed yet and we’re related, so already you can see where this is going.” I said as I looked down at my tablet, just about to start another round of maintenance.

“It’s not like you’re one to follow laws.” she mentioned.

I looked at her again, the same look I gave her before. Well she’s in a mood this morning too. Does she think this is funny? Because I don’t.

“I’m sorry, I’ll stop.” she held back her laughter and turned away. “You only have one thing to do today, though...”

“I saw already.” I waited for her to look at me. Apparently, she thought it was okay to switch tasks with me for the day.

When I saw it, I wondered why she would want to switch her one thing to do with my entire list of things to do. Then I realized that I would have to converse with Janus today about the entire mechanisms of the bikes, risks, and all that other information she should be talking about. It’s as if people want me to get in trouble. Here I thought Taurus was looking out for me, but that’s not the case.

“I just really get this bad vibe.” She tried to explain herself.

“It’s fine, Taurus. I’ll handle it.” I didn’t really care that much. My morning already started off hellish, it won’t get that much worse.

Janus and I are in disagreement but I would prefer to just do my job and go home today.

“You’re really great, Aurora.”

“Tell me something I’m not aware of.” I said slowly, putting my focus elsewhere.

I’m actually really great since I’m putting my life on the line to save hundreds of people. Anyone that tells me other wise can just suffer. I’ve had enough everything that’s been going on lately. Now not only do I have to watch my back, but I am responsible for other people. I still have a project to finish, I’m barely done with the new prototypes for the contacts, plus I’m working with Hariette on the signalling plan that would give me control of the situation.

I am great and no one will tell me otherwise.

After a while, I made my way over to the capitol building since I couldn’t really avoid doing the things I didn’t want to do. I planned to make it as quick and as painless as possible and I know that Janus plans to do the same.

I didn’t feel nostalgic about being back, in fact I wanted to leave once I stepped foot on to the second to the top floor. I was more concerned with my well being since it was here that I caused a lot of problems. This shouldn’t take much longer than an hour, and by then I will be back to my comfort zone.

However, I didn’t take anymore steps when I heard someone call out my name. Not only did it sound familiar, it made my heart race. It wasn’t just one person, it was multiple. I looked straight ahead to the group of people that obviously were not here for me. And by the look on their faces, they were desperate to talk to someone.

That can’t be me.

I had nowhere to escape to so I was stranded, about to be surrounded by other officials from different countries that desperately needed to vent to me. That’s the only reason they would rush over to me so quickly. It was a large group of them, too. Usually, I would be warned when this happens but I don’t work here so I don’t get that luxury anymore.

All the yelling and shouting started. I was asked questions from different directions. There was no way I could hear my own thoughts.

It didn’t take long for my heart beat to drown out the loud noise. The beating continued in my ears as my hands began to sweat. It was hard to focus. It was hard to stay standing. I was staring right through all of them because I couldn’t hear them anymore. I could only answer so many questions at once and it wasn’t helping that I was being yelled at the second I got over here.

My vision blurred and I lost feeling in my legs.

There was only one voice I recognized calling my name while I was falling.

It sounded like Sirus-

When I could see again, I was laying on the ground, staring up at the ceiling. I was still holding on tightly to my tablet that was pressed against my chest. The only odd thing was that I was laying on the floor. I blacked out from the stress, didn’t I?

Sirus helped me off the floor and on to my feet. Apparently now, the group that crowded around me before wanted to give me space. They were quiet, too. But in a second they’ll just start again if I don’t say something to them.

“If you want to complain about Janus, I can’t help you. I’m no longer Commander and I don’t work here, so leave me alone.” I said as I looked down, wanting to walk away so the situation doesn’t get provoked any further.

My arms were shaking but I kept them to my chest, my hands still holding on to my tablet tightly. I needed it to stay silent so I could get myself together. It wasn’t going to help if I’m being followed around. If the trembling doesn’t stop, it’s going to make me look frightened, especially in front of Janus.

As I walked quickly, I bumped into someone else, and all I thought was that I was having the worst luck today.

“Aurora.” Libra sang my name as she put her arms around me rather tightly.

She’s suffering. I could feel it by the way she was clinging on for dear life.

Why are they over here anyway? They have their own regions to run. Before I could ask more questions, I reminded myself that this was none of my business and it didn’t matter to me what they were doing here and why.

“I can’t believe you came back.”

I held my hand up to stop anymore misunderstandings. I just had a panic attack, I do not need another.

“I’m only here to speak with Janus.” I said.

“Yeah, when he heard you were coming over instead of Taurus, he said no.” Haroldo shoved his hands into his pockets. “So it’s just us.”

“And we can talk about things we already know about, or we can give you information about the rebellion-”

I shook my head. “Not interested.” I said before they could get any ideas. “I’m here to do my job, and if there’s nothing to do here, I’ll just leave.” I told them as I turned away.

“Okay, then we’ll walk with you.” Libra chimed in as she stood on my right side.

Haroldo casually moved to my left.

“So how’s life?” Haroldo asked.

Small talk is not my thing. I just glanced at him but didn’t answer his question. I wasn’t in a good mood after what just happened to me and I would prefer to have alone time. Then again, I don’t want them to be super tense because I’m bitter.

I stopped walking when I saw the group of others again. Some of them glanced my way until all of them stopped talking among themselves to look at me. Sirus was standing down the hallway and he was watching too.

All eyes were on me and right now, that’s not good.

I sighed and motioned for Haroldo and Libra to come forward with me. This won’t be solved unless I do something about it now. As much as I don’t want to, I was going to. So I walked, and the group opened up to let me through, not knowing that I was going to stop right in the middle.

“One question at a time.” I said in the silence.

That barely lasted a second because they were all trying to go first. Apparently they weren’t listening then if all of them were throwing their questions at me.

I lost my patience quickly. “I said one question at a time.” I shouted over them so they would shut up.

“It’s been a year, Aurora, aren’t you going to stop messing around and-”

“This wasn’t a vacation, I resigned from my position.” I clarified. “If that bothers you, Human Resources is always open and you can make a complaint.” I said and looked at someone else who was trying to speak.

“So is the rebellion being contained or not?” Nadir asked.

“Ask Janus-”

“That’s not very helpful-”

“It’s also not my problem.” I didn’t feel that much remorse for answering plainly. “Next.” I said when it got quiet. I have somewhere to be and they had more questions, I know it.

“When are you coming back?”

“Really? These are the questions you want to ask?” I shook my head and sighed. “Is there anything else?”

“There are rumors about Janus-”

“Whether they are true or not is definitely not my concern.” I responded. “If you have questions about the situation or about Janus, I would advise that you ask him personally.”

“We’ve hoped that you’ve reconsidered your decision to work with NASA instead of with us.” Shifa said, sounding a little disappointed.

And as much as she tried to make me feel guilty, I didn’t.

“Considering how all you people made my life hell while working here, I don’t think I will.”

“You know we can say the same about you.” Someone said but I didn’t recognize them.

And that didn’t hurt. I messed around so much and made everything difficult. However, I did my job as safe as possible to minimize damage and casualties and I’d have to say I was good at it. I was given the job because I knew what the hell I was doing. And I did annoy people while I worked here but if people wanted to be difficult, then I would be too.

“You wonder why I won’t come back then. I would never want to burden your lives and make it harder than it already is.” I said sarcastically, trying to seem a little distraught, but my tone came out bitter and honestly I don’t care if I sound insincere.

“Aurora-”

I don’t want to be reasoned with, I don’t want to be bothered, I don’t want to hear about Janus’ incompetency. If there’s an issue, they can talk to Iris or Human Resources. I no longer handle these situations.

I motioned for Haroldo and Libra to follow me because I was done here. I walked on without needing to say anything. I just wanted to leave.

Haroldo, Libra, and Sirus when we walked by, followed me to the elevator. It was quiet behind me, and I liked that. The silence helped me gather enough strength I needed to think because in the next minute, my state of mind was going to be ruined.

The silver doors opened and we walked in. I barely paid attention to the other three until the doors closed again.

“Go.” I said, letting them tell me all the information they needed to.

“Rebellion activity has increased enough to spark attention. Not just here either, it’s everywhere.” Libra said.

“Apparently the other officials are here because they’re experiencing problems containing the issue.”

“It’s more of in support to what’s happening here. No one is deactivating devices anywhere else but in this region.” Libra said.

“We told them to let things run its course because it’s not a severe issue. Once we solve our problems, theirs will be contained as well.” Haroldo said.

“That’s fine. It’s not like they would have anything to do anyway.” I looked up and sighed.

“There’s been violent activity that’s picked up within certain areas, and containing that is hard to do.” Sirus said behind me.

“Janus put forces on controlling it?” I asked.

“Not yet.”

I was hoping it wouldn’t get violent or combative. People in the rebellion will not be able to fight against an army. And knowing Janus, it won’t be long before he puts people in the streets to keep them from rebelling.

“If there’s anyway to tell those people not to use force, do it.” I told Sirus. “If Janus actually starts putting forces down to fight citizens, I won’t be able to help.” I said.

I really wanted to advise people not to take it too far because Janus will return fire. I get the vibe from him and its concerning. Having casualties with citizens should never be a problem, and we shouldn’t be the ones hurting them. That will just spark more uproar.

“We’re trying to help as many people as we can, but Aurora, there’s too many of them.” Libra said, concerned and worried.

It’s getting out of control now and I don’t know what to say or do about it. It’s to the point that maybe I won’t be able to help. And if it’s getting to a much larger scale, it’s forcing me to work with the signalling idea Hariette came up with. If what I’m doing now isn’t bad enough, then what I’m about to accomplish in the next couple of weeks will really make me a wanted person.

“So...” Haroldo said slowly and moved around a bit. “We sort of thought it was a good idea to update our sectors on the...issue...”

I turned to him, staring at him as I did my best to contain my shock. He could have potentially told thousands of people, both of them could have. And not everyone will be behind us one hundred percent. I know Janus has enough loyal people with him to make an impact.

“But just our first five sectors though.” Libra clarified quickly when she saw my face.

“Why does everyone insist on telling people about this?” I rubbed my forehead, feeling a migraine coming just because of the stress.

This is why I can’t be involved with any of this. It’s too much and its not helping when I’m going to look like a traitor to the officials. I know it’s a good idea to have a lot of people behind me but not when I don’t know who’s loyal and who isn’t.

I walked out when the silver doors opened again. And they were still following me. Is there something they don’t want to tell me?

“I’m just going to let you handle this.” I said, about ready to give up because there’s only so much I can take in one day.

“Is there any specific order-”

“I’m not authorized to give you any orders.” I stopped walking and turned to face them.

“In this situation, it doesn’t matter.” Haroldo shrugged.

I sighed again, this time more irritated than before. If I really had control over this situation, I wouldn’t do anything. I wouldn’t have done anything to mess with anyone. What Janus did, what he’s doing, there’s no way to make a perfect society by treating people who disagree as nonexistent.

“I just...is it possible to offer protection? Considering how Janus might plan to retaliate...”

“We can make it happen.” Libra said quickly.

“But it can only be from those who truly want to, don’t force anyone. And don’t make it seem more of a big deal than it really is.” I warned them.

“We can do that.” Haroldo said.

“And you,” I looked up at Sirus. Already I knew he was going to be noncompliant. “Focus.” I snapped my fingers so he would look at me. “Listen to them, okay. They know what they’re doing.” I told him.

“Technically-”

“Technically nothing.” I said over him. “If you want to be involved, you do as they say, and I don’t care if you agree with it or not.”

Sirus didn’t say anything back. He still won’t listen.

“I’m not joking. You, your obnoxious co-leaders, and all your sectors are to report to them about the rebellion, not me.” I hope I made myself clear about that.

“Fine.”

I know Sirus will misbehave. That’s all he’s good for.

“Willing sectors can only run operations on off days. The last thing we need is Janus replaceing out how many traitors he has and where they are.” I told Haroldo and Libra. “Only ask me for help if the situation gets out of hand, you don’t need me for everything.”

“Well this is helpful.”

“Why do you need so much direction from me?”

“We wouldn’t have handled the situation the way you are. Honestly, I would just quit.” Haroldo admitted.

“Now you see my point.” I turned away to continue walking out of the building.

I was not done for the day.

There was one more place I had to go to before I can finally go home and give up for the day.

Taurus was right earlier. I should go talk to Alara. Hopefully she’ll be able to help me get something to control my anxiety. Or at least explain why I’m sick.

I walked into the Hospital Emergency unit, looking to see if Alara was here yet. I would ask someone but I don’t want this on record.

There weren’t a lot of people around but it’s no longer winter so there isn’t much happening in terms of diseases. Fortunately, I didn’t see anything too wild either. I don’t know if blood is still a trigger or not.

“Aurora.” My arm was grabbed and I was yanked another way. “What are you doing here?” Alara asked quietly as she looked around.

“I need help.”

“We’re not allowed to work with family.”

I know that already.

“I don’t want this to be...I wasn’t going to check in, Alara.” I whispered. “I just need some help.” I told her.

“Oh.” She dragged on. “Is this some secret-” I had to stop her when she started smiling.

“No one can know,” I shushed her.

“Okay, okay.” She pulled me on down the hallway.

The white lights were dim here compared to the main floor. It’s noon but I feel like it’s the evening. I followed behind Alara. I don’t remember when she grew up. Her white lab coat makes her look much older, and she started putting her hair up again. I never would’ve guessed she would’ve ended up here in just two years too. She really had to work hard to get here.

She used her badge to unlock an empty room. She walked in and turned on the lights. I followed behind her and hopped onto the examining chair where she was going to let me tell her my problems.

“Nightmares, trouble breathing, flashbacks, excessive sweating, and irregular heart beat.” I listed for her.

“Anxiety disorder. More specifically panic disorder or PTSD.” She said without thinking about it. “But I already know that you’re going through this.”

“Motion sickness. Nausea.”

“You honestly think that if you eat as much food as you do at one in the morning, you’re body won’t reject it?” She asked.

“You sure it’s not-”

“Please, Aurora.” She held her hand up. “You’re not an expert on this side of science.” She said.

I rolled my eyes. “So what do I do?”

“Control your eating habits, first of all.” She laughed dryly. “You can’t just have whatever you want whenever you want it.”

I wasn’t going to listen to her.

“And the panic attacks?”

“You’re not one to handle medication.” She shook her head. “And because this is off the record, I can’t prescribe anything for you.”

I stared at her, hoping that her love for her brother would triumph over the laws she’s obligated to follow. I know I’m not being a good influence but if I show her what my health really looks like, I’ll be putting her in a dangerous situation. She doesn’t even have her license yet so the fact that she’s talking to me without consulting a physician first is enough to get her fired.

She caved into the pressure though. She groaned and stomped around a bit. “Alright fine, stay here.” She said quickly and left the room.

I kicked my legs around as I waited. I think the last time I was in a medical room was when...oh. It was back in space when our Mother ship got raided. Maybe I shouldn’t be thinking about that, considering my condition and all.

I looked around though, putting my focus elsewhere for a little while.

It’s quiet.

It’s cold.

I feel dead.

Yet I wasn’t bothered by that for some odd reason. Before, I hated the cold, and the silence, but it’s fine for me now.

This got me thinking how detached I might’ve become over the past few months. I was already a cynical person, but now it’s not like I have any faith or good out look for terrible situations.

If I can’t control the rebellion, then everything will end up a mess.

Alara came back, a few things in her hand. The first thing I noticed was the syringe and needle and immediately I wanted to leave the room.

“Um...” I didn’t like the needle she was holding.

“Relax, it won’t hurt.” She laughed and put the stuff down on the counter. “Now, please listen because I think patient compliance is very important.” She said and held up a bottle of pills. “This is what I’m giving to you. Take two a day, Aurora.” It sounded like she was warning me.

“I will.”

“No, it’s two a day. Not when you feel like it or when it’s convenient for you.” She clarified. “No caffeine either. As long as you’re taking this, you cannot take anything that has caffeine in it, so that means you can’t have seven cups of coffee a day like you’ve been doing.”

What’s with all the restrictions. I groaned and kicked my legs around. Now I don’t want medication anymore.

“There are some side effects but they aren’t terrible. Just dull in senses to manage signalling, decrease in appetite which is a good one for you-” I can’t believe she said that, and she laughed, too, “and increase in libido and sexual arousal.”

Well I hated all of those.

“Is there anything else?”

“This is the strongest drug I can give to you without prescription.” She said.

So I had to compromise.

“The first dose is given by injection. I’d say you have normal metabolism so this should clear out by the end of the night.” She said as she drew up the fluid into the syringe. It wasn’t until she wiped a sterilizing agent on my neck that I stopped her.

“Alara, you have to replace something else. I’m not letting you give me a shot in my throat.” I complained.

“Relax.” She told me, though I didn’t feel any reassurance from her. “This is why you’re so wound up all the time. Just calm down about the little things.” She smiled at me.

When she held up the needle, I just about choked. This is not fair. I know I wanted help but I might skip this. She handed me a hair tie so I could put my hair up. I shook my head at her since I wasn’t too enthusiastic about having a needle on the side of my neck.

“How long have you been giving shots?” I asked her to be sure this is safe.

“You’re my first-”

“Bye.” I hopped off the seat but her hand grabbed on to my arm to keep me from leaving.

“I’m kidding. I’ve been trained on everything I need to do, so I promise I won’t accidentally kill you.” She said and placed her hand at my neck.

First it was the feeling of the glove on my skin, but then I felt the piercing needle on me, too. I didn’t flinch when I felt her push the dose of medication into my neck. The only thing I noticed now was the cold feeling that pulsed through my throat and around my shoulder.

“How are you almost twenty-three but scared of needles?” She placed a patch where she gave me the medication.

“Let me live my life, okay, Alara.” I shrugged her off me and fixed the collar of my shirt. “If this doesn’t work, what do I do?”

“Well, considering your high tolerance, you might have to see a physician and get something stronger.” She said. “I’m hoping your health isn’t much worse than I think it is right now.”

If I told her, she wouldn’t believe me. It’s so terrible that I feel bad about it. I’ve been trying to get better, but the timing is worse.

Thank goodness Alara could help me.

“This is as far as I go.” She took off her gloves. “Take two a day, Aurora.” She reminded me before giving me the container.

When I was about to take it, she moved her hand. I looked at her, showing me how serious this was for the both of us. She could lose her job, I could potentially skip out on doses or take too many at once, that depends on how I feel for the day.

I just had to reassure her that I was going to be obedient and do what I was supposed to based on the P.A.’s orders.

“I will.” I said and took the bottle from her hand.

“And I would suggest you go back to your psychiatrist, too. They’ll definitely know how to help.” She suggested. “You need someone to talk to. Clearly you won’t tell me but that’s fine.”

I would tell her but I know how she gets. Everything makes her excited. I know she would go overboard if I told her what was really going on. For now, we can’t discuss anything that’s going on right in this room. And I can’t tell her what’s making me keep quiet.

“What would I do without you?” I smiled

“Probably suffer. Maybe put your medical visits on your record. You know, doing things the right way.” She put her arm around me and hugged me. “Please tell me you’re okay.”

“I’m fine.” I told her. There was a little guilt that started to rise in my stomach. I am lying to her. I’m not okay. I’m freaking out.

The plan is that I’ll get better.

The plan is that I’ll get everything under control and that I’ll be mentally healthy again.