The Rogues Who Went Rogue
Chapter 107

One of the perks about being the queen was that Lucianne could be fully trusted to take suspects and criminals out for however long she wanted. It wasn't advisable or customary because of issues of safety, but Margaret's case was, of course, different since she was working to get pardoned. There was no way she'd try and hurt Lucianne, and even if she did, Lucianne's Authority would stop her.

After they got into the car and began talking about Stella, Lucianne insisted Margaret call her 'Lucy' like everybody else before their conversation continued. Lucianne drove them to an outdoor café with potted plants here and there and a water feature for a wall that had the most invigorating sound. After placing their order for slices of cake and cups of coffee, they thanked the waitress and got down to business. Margaret was pressing her fingers at intervals when she started with her rehearsed question, "Lucy, after the rejections, how did you sort of...paper over the pain?"

Lucianne immediately said, "I didn't paper over the pain, Margaret, and I highly recommend against trying to do that. It doesn't work. The pain still lingers and grows, staying longer than it's welcomed to. And the debilitating effects of it shows. Not everyone will see it, but we definitely see it when we're by ourselves."

"So, what then? You just let the pain show?"

With a small nod, Lucianne replied, "Yes. I'm most comfortable letting it show when I'm alone. The thing with pain is that we have to feel it to get through it. Let the pain come. Let it flow through your entire being. Cry. Scream if you have to. Being strong doesn't take away one's right to be vulnerable, not even yours. I'm not saying that you should cry in front of your pup but you are allowed to cry, Margaret. You're allowed to be you, to express yourself in a way that feels right for you."

Margaret wiped away her tears, and she had to admit that every drop was liberating. Seeing that they were in public with many creatures glancing at them...well, mostly at Lucianne, Margaret pulled herself together and saved the tears for later to avoid causing a scene. She then asked a question that seemed more like a question that she should be asking herself and not someone else, "Why do I do this? Well, I mean, I know I've buried the pain deep down because of the need to survive as a rogue and all but...I feel like since I came here, since I... met Tate, I felt like I'm trying to move past the pain...but everytime I do, everytime I think I'm moving forward...I'm just slapped with the truth that the betrayal, loss and regret is still very much alive within me. I..." she sighed, "I don't even know what I'm asking, Lucy. Goddess, I'm so sorry."

Lucianne reached for her hands and gave them a gentle, encouraging squeeze, making her rosewood eyes lock with her assuring orbs when Lucianne uttered, "Don't be sorry, Margaret. You are moving forward. You are progressing. You wouldn't have awakened your psychic abilities had you not chosen to make peace with your past. The process is just...slow. It takes time, but you are getting there. We can see it. Stella and Tate can see it."

Margaret asked in a dismay whisper, "Then why does it feel like I'm stuck? Why do I keep reverting to this loop of pain when I know it isn't good for me, when I know I don't deserve to feel this? Is it because my heart wants to feel this?"

"No, Margaret. It's not what your heart wants. It's just what your heart is...used to feeling. It takes...a reasonable degree of awareness and discipline to fight through it, to refuse to believe that you're trapped in that loop forever and to choose to believe that you deserve all the gifts that life can offer you, the gifts that you can offer yourself."

"The gifts that I can offer myself?"

"Yeah, you know, things like self-respect, self-love, taking chances. Essentially, things that make you love yourself more than you already do, things that make you happy."

Self-respect was something Margaret understood. It was how she rose through the ranks anyway. Taking chances was not unfamiliar, seeing that rogues have to move around, never staying too long at one place, taking a chance that a new venue with no known wolf-patrolling was safe.

Self-love was a little bit more foreign for Margaret. As for the things that made her happy...it was a lot of things before she became a rogue, when life was much simpler. "Lucy, after the rejections, how did you replace happiness again? Family and friends' support aside, how did you replace it again?"

Lucianne contemplated on how she was going to phrase her response before she said, "Well, this may sound...self-entitled but um...I told myself that I deserve to be happy." "Because you have the love of the king?" Margaret asked in curiosity.

Lucianne shook her head slightly when she replied, "No, not exactly. I actually started telling myself that long before I met Xandar. On my worst days, to calm the storm in me, I tried as hard as I could to convince myself that I deserve to be happy because I'm...not a bad person, and I'm taking action to be better everyday. I know I'm no saint, and I admit that I pissed off and killed many creatures over the years, but I would never hurt someone for the sake of it. Xandar does make me happy, and his love is something that...I didn't think I would be lucky enough to get, but before him, I found happiness in the little things in my life - training, memories made with friends and family, a quiet run, a cool breeze, a good book, betting against dad..."

Lucianne laughed just thinking about it, and added, "To be loved by a creature who you love just as much is...wonderful, but, as individuals, we are still something without it and we still deserve happiness as long as we wake up everyday and just...keep going."

The coffee and cakes arrived. Margaret took a sip and processed everything she just heard before she asked, "How do you tell yourself that you deserve to be happy? I've just tried saying it in my mind right now and I already feel guilty doing it. It's as if I...don't believe I deserve that. I mean, I've done a lot of wrong things before I ran into you and Tate."

"You did what you had to do, Margaret. I'm not saying that the things you did were right, but I do acknowledge that you did what you knew to be the best way forward for you and your pup, and later on, for your pack. What's important right now is that you...refuse to go back to how you were. As for the guilt...it might have stemmed from the stereotypical image you have of a...deserving happy person. See, most of us are programmed to believe that wanting to claim happiness is wishful thinking instead of an achievable goal. Our subconscious is trained to think that only the purest creatures deserve happiness but...personally, I really do think that...unless one replaces pleasure in harming others or is harming someone to fulfil their own selfish desires, no one deserves to be unhappy."

Margaret took a bite from her cake as she gave that some thought, and couldn't help but replace it...logical, rational and fair. She definitely had no plans to return to rogue life, especially now that they were earning a chance at safety, and Stella looked a lot healthier and happier ever since they came to lycan territory and didn't have to run around anymore.

Margaret then asked, "When you mentioned that...we are still something even without the love of a mate, that we still deserve happiness...does it mean that it's...wrong to replace happiness in someone else? For the past thirteen years, I've only found happiness, pure and lasting happiness, in Stella."

"And that isn't wrong, Margaret. It isn't wrong at all. It's natural for a mother to replace happiness in her pup. But in the midst of replaceing your happiness in your daughter, it's also healthy to replace happiness in yourself." "Isn't my daughter...part of myself, in a way?"

"Stella is a unique masterpiece that you created and raised. She holds a large part of your heart but she's her own person. You are your own person too, Margaret. While loving Stella and replaceing happiness from her existence, it's also...good to replace happiness with your own existence. Be happy with what you gave life to but also be happy with what you can continue giving life to, and I'm not just talking about children. You can give life in so many ways, be it researching the best spots to replace food to feed a pack, or merely showing up to add your dash of magic in the lives of those who matter to you. Your worth doesn't deteriorate or end after Stella was conceived. Your individuality as a fellow pack member, a loyal friend, a trusted ally are still there. Stella just added an extra category that you're proud to carry with you."

"I like that," Margaret murmured with a smile. She leaned back and said, "I love my daughter, and I'm proud to be able to call myself her mother but it's also great to know that...I'm also someone of value in the other aspects of my life. It's like I...appreciate what and who I've grown t be." "Exactly," Lucianne was happy to see that Margaret was opening up, her smile increasing in hope and radiance.

When her brows furrowed, Margaret got to her next question, “Are you always...happy with who you are?"