The Rogues Who Went Rogue
Chapter 108

Lucianne chuckled and shook her head without hesitation as she answered, "No. I can think of more than a hundred things wrong with myself and I'd love to tell you all about it but we'd probably be here for days!" Margaret was encouraged to laugh in response because she felt less alone. "Don't take this the wrong way but I'm glad you said that, Lucy. It's never going to be easy to be happy with who we are, is it?" "It's never going to be easy to be unhappy with who we are either, don't you think?" Lucianne turned the question around with a smile.

That got Margaret thinking, and when she realized what Lucianne was trying to tell her, she smiled wider and said, "I'm starting to think that Tate lied to me when he said you were only a Gamma. Either that, or you have a hidden job that you told no one about. The way your brain works far surpasses any pack warrior...it surpasses most people I know and met, actually, even pack leaders."

Lucianne flicked her hand like it wasn't a big deal when she said, "It's just from hours of reading, Margaret. I'm just lucky to be able to afford so many books...and to have a family who spoils me with so many books...and now a husband who's spoiling me with more books. Anyway, the point is that as difficult as it is to be happy with who we are, it's also difficult to be unhappy with who we are. You and I both know how self-blame and self-hate can be draining - mentally, emotionally and psychologically. We should be accountable for our actions, but we shouldn't have to punish ourselves forever for our faults and flaws. If we don't like something, we can always replace ways to improve rather than complain and hate on ourselves all day long. If it's difficult either way, I'd rather be happily working on myself than unhappily sulking and ranting for the rest of my life."

Margaret confessed, "I guess I never thought of it that way. Self-love isn't something I'm very familiar with. Growing up, it was even portrayed to be selfish sometimes."

"It isn't though. Many of us are taught that, but it really isn't. Loving ourselves is as essential as it is to breathe," Lucianne took a sip from her mug and reminisced about her past when she admitted, "Self-love is...work. Like with any kind of love, it's a constant practice of kindness, patience, tolerance, forgiveness and the desire to do better by ourselves, for ourselves. It'll always be a work-in-progress, especially if we make a mistake. If we can replace it within ourselves to forgive the people we love, we sure as hell should be more than okay to forgive ourselves." Margaret took a few more sips as she digested that information, and uttered, "What I like about whatever you've just said is that we...can be happy on our own. I love the power in that. It emanates control and we hold the remote. It just shows that we're not...reliant on someone else's love or happiness to actually...be happy."

Lucianne explained, "If we rely on something outside to make us happy, it's neither stable nor reliable because once that thing disappears, our happiness goes with it. It's better to choose to be happy with what you are or what you strive to be. It's more sustainable, and frankly, more doable."

Margaret decided to go deeper. "I hope you don't mind me asking this but...when you're alone, do you sometimes feel...empty?"

"I used to."

"What did you do when you felt that way? How do you fill up the emptiness, the cold barren wasteland that you gave no permission to build up?"

Lucianne replayed what she did and responded, "I fill it up with the things I love and appreciate. I'm quite sure we both can always love and appreciate our strength, our independence, our ability to get things done, all those things that we're internally proud of. The beautiful thing about this process is that, once we recall what we're made of, it gives us a sense of fulfillment, even happiness."

Margaret crossed her legs and leaned back when she said, "I feel like a badass when I think of those things."

"You should, because you are," Lucianne encouraged her with a broad smile.

Margaret chuckled, and then Tate came to her mind. The times they almost kissed but didn't because she pulled away. "When you met the king...how did you know what you both had was...going to last? I haven't told anyone this but...as right as Tate feels now, there's a part for me that just wonders whether this would abruptly end."

This was the first time Lucianne admitted, "I felt exactly the same way with Xandar when we met. With his status and the fact that he's a lycan made me certain that the mate-bond wasn't going to last. Even when we gave our bond a chance...in the beginning, I was just waiting for hin to get tired of me and eventually come to terms that rejecting each other was the way to go. But instead of drifting apart, we just got closer. Everything he said and did just...pulled me closer every day. Even after I fell for him, I was still scared to commit fully that I kept him at a distance for a while. With hindsight, distancing him was ridiculous. But at that time, I was just being careful. I was just scared, scared of having to go through another heartbreak that I didn't ask for." Margaret resonated incredibly well with that. It wasn't that she didn't want to be with Tate. She was just scared. She just wanted to be careful.

Lucianne then continued, "But my brother and friends made me realize that...Xandar could be different, and I shouldn't just use my past to justify running away from something that could very well be...it." Margaret started pressing her fingers at intervals again when she admitted, "Tate does make me feel special...seen. He does seem like a good person, and I love that he has already bonded so well with Stella." "Does he bond well with you though?" Lucianne asked, the cup in her hand stopped in mid-air as she waited for her answer with large, curious orbs.

Margaret nodded like it was obvious and she answered, "Of course."

Lucianne sighed in relief and said, "Tate is my friend and I'd love for him to get the woman he's fallen for but not if the woman doesn't want it, so I had to ask. It's great to hear that you want this because...you personally do, and not just because it's what Stella wants."

A blissful smile curled Margaret's lips when she said, "When I speak to him, I forget to keep a straight face. I feel comfortable saying whatever I want around him, and he's been incredibly patient with me. I even feel bad for the way I treated him before the offer for conditional pardor was granted, but it doesn't seem like he's holding a grudge. I can't remember anyone else who was that patient with me. After that rough start, he still looks at me like I'm some precious treasure." "You are a precious treasure, Margaret. He's hoping that you can be HIS precious treasure some day."

Margaret chuckled lightly as faint blushes crept up her cheeks at that thought. She never thought she would be gifted a second-chance mate, and she sure as hell didn't think that he could be as perfect as Tate was to her, especially when he was an Alpha.

Lucianne noticed the way Margaret lit up and the manner her features softened just by talking about Tate, and it took a lot of restraint to not lift up her phone and snap a photo to send it to her Alpha friend who could very well use it as a screen wallpaper.

When Margaret came out of her thoughts, she said, "Looks like it's time to take a leap of faith then." When she finished her coffee, she confessed, "I wonder what I'll do after this whole vampire thing is resolved. The easy thing about being a rogue was that the day-to-day planning required little creativity. Basically, replace supplies or run. I'm sure I'll be helping Tate but I wonder if there's anything beyond that."

"Something to do with plants maybe?" Lucianne suggested.

"Yes, but what? I don't want it to just be something aesthetic. I want it to be something that helps creatures replace peace, to feel like they're heard and supported, like a safe place for people to open up." "Like a therapist?"

"I wished I had the qualifications to be that...hm, maybe I will pursue that field once all this is over. But how can I help with what I have now, I wonder."

"Huh," Lucianne muttered when she recognized that energy, the enthusiasm for positive change.

"What?"

"You remind me of someone. You two have quite a bit in common. We should go meet her. C'mon." Lucianne suggested and immediately got up from her seat. Margaret got up as well when she asked in confusion, "Her?"