Divorced, But Not Broken
Divorced, but Not broken Chapter 214

It was still early morning, and I watched the twins on the floor, Noah sitting, and Jamie on his stomach playing. No kids show running since Kira was sleeping, and I was up alone. Sitting with my legs resting underneath me on the sofa in sweatpants and a tank top, looking down at my boys. How the f**k was I so f*****g stupid to believe Jonah that he couldn't get me pregnant?! He had with Kira, and I just believed him like always! So stupid! I was still feeling sick when I was eating a cracker slowly, just nibbling, feeling even worse; this wasn't what I had imagined would happen when Jonah and I got back together.

We were supposed to be happy, even if it was hard with me working all the time and him not having the same financial ground to stand on. We could make it; even Buck wasn't making my life as hard as I had believed. No, he was f*****g calm and collected, like always that bastard.

The front door opened like the person that was getting inside didn't want to wake up anyone, making me scowl at once, knowing that it was Jonah, he had been gone all night, and now here he was after just walking out on me when I told him I was pregnant... my chest felt heavier, f**k.... I couldn't see a happy ending to this anymore. Jonah didn't want to push Shailene, and I couldn't just live on promises.

He stopped walking in the hallway with just his socks and shoes off. He looked tired seeing me sitting on the couch, staring at his surprised face with disapproval, feeling more like I was his f*****g mother than his girlfriend sitting here and waiting on him to come back.

"Hey." I did a scoff like he was being hilarious for saying that. Well, hello to him too! motherfucking bastard that accused me of cheating with Buck instead of getting that he was to blame for me being pregnant!

"How are you feeling? You need some water?" He was still standing there when I just shrugged, not looking at him anymore. I didn't care if I was being childish, so what? He wasn't any better when he sighed, coming closer and sitting down, picking up Jamie, who looked happier that someone was holding him instead of being on the floor.

"Andrea, stop... please just fucking stop for once. You can't blame me for asking if you fucked Buck; you have two kids with him at the same time!" Jonah was holding Jamie, that was resting his head on Jonah's chest. He had no problem being in his arms, not like Noah. He didn't like everyone. I guess that trait was from me.

"Have you been fucking poor Shay when you were gone, is that why you are acting so f*****g nice suddenly?!" I got up from the sofa, still pissed when his scowl got deeper hearing me mock him for being nice to Shailene and never to me; that hurt too! Why was he always acting like she couldn't take being yelled at one time or she would break?!

I was in the bathroom, brushing when he came after me, having the boys in the playpen looking like he wanted to yell at me for even saying that. What a f*****g surprise!? I made another scoff before he started to speak, spitting hard into the sink before wiping my mouth, knowing that I would puke again sometime today.

"Funny that you are so fucking jealous over me being nice to Shay when you are acting the same fucking way around Buck, what? Do you think I'm deaf or something? Like you are going around calling him Bucky, acting like he is something f*****g special. You are my girl, Andrea, and not his!" He was still standing in the doorway, not raising his voice for once like he finally had gotten the part the kids would start screaming if he did.

"He is special, and there is nothing you can fucking do about that." I smiled mockingly, knowing I wasn't doing any of us a favor. However, I was still fucking pissed at him for calling me a cheater and acting like getting pregnant was the end of the world. "Oh, he is. that's why I fucking hired him.... Guy has got more kills than I ever would rack up. That's what makes it so fucking hilarious with you walking around believing some goddam sob story about him being this nice guy that works construction." I stopped wiping my face with moisturizer, not caring that Jonah was staring at me, wanting to get ready for work and Joseph being a traitor to him.

"Yeah, he told me, Iraq...." I was smudging out the last strokes underneath my eyes, not missing the smirk that was on Jonah's face. His blue-green eyes amused, and I did not care what he was telling me. Buck told me, and that was it. He was a good dad, and that's all I needed to know.

"Yeah, sure.... Iraq.... Yeah, I read that part too, but did he tell you he got a dishonorable discharge for breaking orders and has been working as a freelancer ever since?" Jonah was leaning forward when I finally stopped and stared at him over my shoulder, looking so fucking proud that he was smearing the name of Buck like this was a pissing contest, so what if he worked freelance? Wasn't he a f*****g contractor?!

"Andrea, he kills people. for money." Jonah made another low chuckle when I inhaled deeply, grasping the sink with my hands and looking down, not caring that I wanted to throw up again. This time it wasn't the pregnancy.

"Shut up...." I didn't want to hear it anymore. Buck wasn't like him; he was a good man that loved his kids, even Kira, that wasn't his, and still, he took her as his own, maybe more than Jonah ever had done so far.

"Nope, I don't want to! I'm fucking tired of hearing about him being so fucking great! Kira is no better; calling him daddy!" his voice cracked with darkness like he couldn't keep whatever anger he had inside. Great.

"That's because He is her father and not you." I had closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, thinking that I should tell him to let it go, that I didn't want to f*****g hear it. Still, he was acting like an a*****e, and it wasn't just about Kira calling Buck daddy. We both knew this was about him being shut out from his Ma, and he was panicking over everything!

"What the fuck did you just say to me?!" Jonah had come closer, coming inside, shutting the door when I turned around, seeing his jaw clench and looking like he wanted to kill me for telling him the truth. As far as Kira knew, Buck was her father, and Jonah was just some guy that stayed with us that she played with sometimes.

"You heard me." I wasn't scared even if he was staring me down, his eyes burning with hate that would make you gasp for air if it wasn't for the thousand time, the darkness that wanted to take over and follow the impulses of hurting me back, only ten times worse! He hadn't let go of the door handle like he was still deciding if he was going to stay and fight or leave like he always did when I told him something he didn't like, dressed in some shirt and jeans he must have picked up from Shailene's place, so I guess I knew where the f**k he had been all night.

"Are you going back to her again, is that why you are saying Buck is a bad man, and you are running to the fucking angel of a wife?" I didn't scream, feeling my own voice deepening. Honestly, I had no strength for it when he looked back at me, showing that he was still pissed, hurt, and all the other shit that I was too.

"Maybe I fucking will! it would be easier than staying here, kids climbing me around the clock, and just being f*****g poor!" Jonah was already walking outside, and I didn't follow him, pressing my lips tighter, not being able to do more than that, so he was leaving me; what a fucking surprise!

I walked after him and closed the door hearing the entrance to the stairs being slammed hard and not saying anything feeling myself crying, that fucking bastard! I was so going to get a fucking abortion, and we were over; he couldn't handle living here with me and my kids, F**k him!

I was dressed, staring at the phone when I was looking over appointments at clinics; if Jonah thought I was kidding about this, he was going to see that he had left me for the last fucking time when Kira was standing at the door and looking sleepy making me smile seeing her face, she didn't say anything, just walked over and hugged me when I leaned down hugging her back, smelling her hair, fuck. I hated Jonah so much right now for acting like an asshole, but he did give me the best gift in the world, her.

"Morning princess, you hungry?" I was leading her out to the small kitchen, being poor and all that, when I was clenching my jaw hearing Jonah's word in my head, fucking poor. Yeah, well, he was too, and I didn't complain! Not one fucking word that I never got the same treatment that poor Shailene got living in endless luxury and having my fucking necklace! F**k, that still pissed me off when Kira was sitting at the table, staring at me with her identical eyes she got from Jonah, me giving over the bowl of cereal before rushing everyone over to Mary's so that I could work! Yeah, I wasn't going to let Jonah stop me. He could go f**k himself over for all I cared!

"Where is Da?" she looked around like she had noticed he was gone. I sighed. Shit, she probably was awake hearing us fight. I was the worst mom she could ever have when I made a tired smile; what could I say? That he was gone, and we were breaking up after telling her he would stay with us? That was breaking my heart.

"I don't know baby, I don't know..." I stopped biting my lip, feeling myself getting sick again; the smell of everything was killing me. I wanted to cry no matter how much I wasn't supposed to, not in front of Kira, still in her nightgown and tousled dark hair, slowly eating as she could see it.

"Doesn't his mommy love him? Is that why he is angry, mommy?" She was looking at me like that was a serious question when I made an O-face, not knowing how to answer that, did Fiona love her son? I know I loved my kids to death; there was nothing I wouldn't do for them, anything.

I got up hearing Jamie crying when I walked over, grabbing a bottle and pouring up the water from the thermos, giving Kira side-glances when she was still eating, not knowing how the f**k she even knew how to ask me that. She had never met Fiona. Ever. "I don't know, Kira... I don't know if his mommy loves him...." I was still standing at the counter, shaking the bottle, when the front door opened again, and I stopped, wanting to tell him to leave. I didn't want more fighting when Kira was up, and he was going to tell me shit that he had been with Shailene all night, that fucker!

"Hey....so... everyone's up..." Jonah smiled when I didn't give one back. Still, Kira was beaming like she always did, mouth full of cereal and making Jonah look at her instead of me when I walked past him going for the bedroom, not caring that he looked like he wanted to tell me something. Yeah, I bet he did. He was returning to Shailene and never coming back when I was pregnant, and he couldn't deal with having a bunch of kids weighing him down!

"Hey, Kira..." He was sitting down when I walked out, getting into my bedroom that he fucking shared with me, everything was clean, and it was pissing me off for some reason. He wanted to keep order and didn't like messes, but he was happy to f**k me over that a*****e.

"Hey baby...hey... don't cry...." I was picking up Jamie, not caring that he wasn't done sleeping being awake half the night with me, or that I was getting stains on my blouse from his hands and face; this was the best moment, me holding my child and nothing could tell me different. Looking down at Noah, who had been awake but too tired to get up when his brother stopped crying, they looked like Buck, which made me smile more. Jonah thought I would give a shit about what Buck did, so he killed people. Well, that was just one more thing to the pile. Shit.

Jamie snuggled me when both twins still had baby blue in their eyes and soft brown hair that I stroked with my hand over, feeling his soft breaths on the crook of my neck, not wanting to let go when I was standing there and taking deep breaths myself. I loved my babies so much and... fuck.... I didn't want to do an abortion no matter how stupid it was.....it was breaking my heart, even thinking that I would never know what it would feel like to hold my baby, whether Jonah stayed or not.

I hated that I was crying again, sniffling when I didn't want anyone to hear me. I just wanted to cry and not listen to more shit about why Jonah couldn't divorce Shailene, or Buck was bad. I just wanted to stand here and feel bad for myself. Was that so fucking hard to get?

"Hey, baby, I think he is sleeping......." Jonah was behind me when I didn't look back and I didn't let go, not wanting to see him, calling me baby with a soft voice like that would fix anything. He was still here, hating every minute of living poor with me, which was the truth.

"I don't care.... Just leave..." I was holding Jamie closer, rubbing my nose against the back of my hand fast, still feeling the boy in my arms sleeping and being heavy. I didn't care, as long as Jonah didn't scream in my face about him hating this life.

"Listen, I know you are still mad at me for leaving, but... I'm still here and...." He stopped when I turned around, dropping whatever stupid apology he had prepared thousands of times. I didn't want to live like this anymore, him coming and going as he pleased and me crying because I felt like a bad mom, and I was one.

"I want you to leave, we are breaking up, Jonah. I know I said I love you and don't care about shit, but I can't live with you like this." The words burning in my chest, every word feeling like acid pouring out of my mouth, scorching my heart, seeing him understand that I was serious. He could go back to his life and forget I ever existed. I would live alone forever, making sure that my kids didn't have to grow up with me being scared and angry all the time over something that I couldn't even control.

"So, that's it? We are giving up?" He didn't sound angry either when I nodded. Yeah, this was us giving up, and I didn't want to keep giving him time to do something that should have been done long ago, or maybe he never should have tried. We both were stupid like that for believing this could work out.

"Yeah.... Just.... leave and come back when I left the kids at Mary's and get your stuff..." I was looking around the room, not wanting to see him in the eyes, knowing that he was hurting the same as me. the same gut-wrenching pain that was taking over my body, wanting me to sob harder against the small boy sleeping in my arms.

"You're doing the abortion?" His voice was deeper, sounding like he was swallowing hard when I made another nod. What choice did I have? I had four kids on my own and no father helping me, and the one that did was across the f*****g country.

"Shit.... Shit..." Jonah was sinking down on the bed, holding his head when I was getting too tired to hold Jamie, my muscles screaming when I put him down gently, stroking his head one more time, carefully not to let any of my tears fall on my precious boys. "Don't make a fucking show about it. You wanted out long before this." I was standing up and holding my arms crossed, seeing him sitting on the bed, giving me higher ground for once; when I was wiping my eyes, he did, and there was no way around it. He had told me he wasn't a f*****g babysitter, and nothing was truer. He didn't help out as Buck did. He just walked inside, played with them, and left when someone was screaming.

"You think this is fucking easy? Andrea, I left everything. For you." He was looking up, showing me his glossy eyes, not even giving into crying over me, telling me that we were done, that proud bastard.

"Yeah, you did, and I am telling you right now that it's not working. I can't work and take care of my kids, not even with Mary having them way more than they should be there. I needed you, Jonah, more than just being around when you feel like it." I lost my anger, I needed to sit down again, but honestly, I didn't want to be next to him like I was feeling. Tired.

"I'm not good at this, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear from me? That I'm not some f*****g superhuman like your precious Bucky? Shit, Andrea, my own daughter, doesn't want me to be her dad. What the f**k do you want from me?!" Jonah was talking dark and slow when I sat down on the floor, wanting to hide away from everything, including the pain on his face telling me that, like I didn't already know it, we both were struggling to make it work.

"Nothing. I want nothing." I sighed when he looked annoyed hearing me answer that, but it was true. I wanted him to leave so I could take the kids to Mary's, pretend to go to work, and come back when he was gone and cry until I passed out.

"That's great, just fucking great.... Fucking lying to my face, wanting nothing...that's f*****g rich!" He was up again when I didn't follow, looking up at his tall stature, shit, he really was so fucking tall, and here I was on the floor, seeing his anger growing, not wanting to scream anymore over shit that we couldn't fix, we just couldn't!

"I'm not lying, Jonah. I want nothing from you anymore. you can go back to your precious Shay, that still has my fucking necklace, and tell your Ma you had a stroke, and you finally got your senses back, and she will take you back." I sounded bitter, amused when he sighed like he was waiting for it, me complaining about Shailene, like I had done for the last weeks, well f*****g surprise.

"Fucking necklace... you are fucking kidding me; still so fucking hanged up over a piece of jewelry that doesn't mean shit! you are so f*****g stupid sometimes...." Jonah was murmuring that last part when I made a frown; that wasn't stupid, he gave that to me, and then he just passed it over like I didn't fucking matter, and that hurt!

"It's not stupid." I was up too, getting off the floor and seeing him stare at me as he thought so. He either loved me or thought I was f*****g stupid!

"Yeah, it is. Soo fucking stupid! you telling me that you are giving up, but you can't f*****g resist complaining about that f*****g thing like that was all that mattered?! Not that I loved you and had no choice but to give that over to Shailene when we got engaged, showing Ma I was serious about not being in love with you anymore?" I didn't know what to say to that when he made a slight chuckle that didn't sound like he thought it was funny, just sad when I was swallowing now. Well, I didn't fucking know that did I?! "You could have just fucking told me that...." I was murmuring it back when he was standing by the door, giving me another smirk at his handsome face, looking like he was sick of explaining himself all the time like I didn't have to do that? He accused me of cheating with Buck!?

"I don't want to fucking talk about it. Andrea, I don't want to fucking talk about a time in my life I was so miserable that I wanted to kill myself. I finally had the chance to get you back. You f*****g turned me away, not me, you!" Jonah was hissing it when I was staring blankly at him. He wanted what?! Kill himself!? That was the stupidest thing I had ever heard!? Did he think about what that would have done to me, or Kira?!

"You selfish fucker! Don't you think I felt the same way? If I hadn't Kira, I would be dead, and you could see my f*****g tombstone!" I was hissing it back, coming closer like I couldn't stay away when his eyes were burning, even with anger, like a moth to the flame, burning me every time.

"That's right, you had Kira, and what did I have?" He was mocking me again when I stopped looking at his face, still not giving me more than just anger and accusations. He had Shailene, and he had everything he ever wanted.

"You got what you wanted, the perfect life and the power! You had a sweet, innocent wife you tried to have kids with, not giving a shit that you already had one! I had nothing to stay for anymore!" my finger was in his chest, wanting to show him that he was the one that had let me down first, like always! He did this, not me!

"You had me! You should have stayed for me! I never lied to you when I said that I was trying to make sure that I was coming out on top, and Shailene would have been gone before you could have known! so yeah, I did try to be happy with her, and she is a nice girl, nothing like the fucking bitch you are....." He sneered at me when I scowled back, so what that I was a bitch?! He knew that the second he saw me!

I couldn't speak standing closer, just stared at his eyes that were still burning, calling me a bitch with a slightly sarcastic tone that sounded like he wanted to laugh more than be sad over that.... Shit.

"So... she's nice?" I was swallowing again, sounding scared, feeling my mouth get dry from being near, but I didn't want to f**k him, not now. I just wanted him to hold me close and tell me he fucking loved me more than anyone else.

"Yes, more than you ever will be.... and... boring to fuck....." I made a snort, hearing that. Still standing close, we were not moving from the spot when he was smiling. What the f**k were we doing?

"Buck too... I mean... he makes me cum, sure, but.... yeah... doesn't have your touch...." I made a smirk when he looked happier hearing that. So stupid and childish.

"You mean he doesn't spank your ass and calls you a good girl?" Jonah made a snicker when I blushed. Yeah, that part to... shit.... I was leaning closer, and I knew it. I wanted him, and... this was insane, always was. "Something like that...." I was sighing when he smirked more at my cheeks, flushed as he knew. I bet he did... stalker.

"Andrea, you are very close for someone that wanted to toss me out onto the streets just ten minutes ago..." He was still smirking when I shrugged. Yeah, I was, and he wasn't stopping me; he never did that handsome bastard.

"I just want to be happy with you and, yeah.... Jonah, please... I know that it's fucking hard, I know it is, but try with Kira. Just show her that you are a fun guy when you're not angry, take her out and have fun as Buck does...and help me when she is doing shit she isn't supposed to do. I don't know... dad stuff...." I stopped when he had lost his smile, making me hold my breath when his arm was around my waist, pulling me into his chest. I was pushed against his hard body, staring at his face with awe like always when he looked determined.

"We are not giving up. You hear me, Andrea? We are not fucking giving up this time, and... I'm going to try to ... be more..... All that shit you just told me...." He was smiling at me when I couldn't stop myself from smiling back, having no idea why I ever wanted him to go when he looked at me like I was the only woman in the world.

"That is... fucking awesome, Jonah... because I don't want to give up, not when we are going to have another kid...." I pushed myself closer, having my arms around his neck, smiling happily for the first time since the kids came back; this was f*****g hard. "Fuck yes, we are...." He was smirking back when I giggled, being pulled up carefully, kissing him softly like that was what I had been waiting for all my life, my air to breathe when he was around, and no matter how much of an asshole, he was mine.

"You know what!? fuck your work, and let's go out! take the kids and do... I don't know what they like to do, but let's do that!" He was kissing me again when I was crying, and this time it was of happiness when I nodded, yeah! Screw my work. Joseph wasn't going to say shit after what happened yesterday.

"Kira, we are going to the play barn!" I was shouting it when I heard the happy scream from the other side of the door, making the boys start to whine. Oh shit!

"Okay, right. Helping." Jonah was putting me down carefully, kissing me again to my smirk when he was coming closer to the boys, picking Noah up; that didn't hate being held by Jonah, so that was a good start when I picked up Jamie having Kira rush the room, already having her jacket on with a scowl like we weren't moving fast enough.

"Let's go!" She was barking it when I started to laugh, seeing Jonah's face like he finally got to see what it was like to be on the receiving end of the same demands he was making all the time.

I smirked more, holding Jamie. We could do this.

Be a family.